Chapter Ten-- Trippiness, Peppiness, and Kamikaze Cows

"Hey, Malfoy!"

"What?" replied Draco, 500 feet above the ground and clutching Icicle's wrist.

"Next time we have to travel over Texas via giant mythical bird, lay off the biscuits, will ya?"

"But they're yummy!"

"So's turpentine, but you see what it does to people when they eat it."

"What DOES it do to people when they eat it?" Draco asked curiously.

"Err...."

"And how do you know, anyway?"

"Um... Oh look, a gas station!" Icicle sidestepped the question, pointing to a small building just below them.

"Hey, you just pointed at something," said Draco.

"So?"

"So you just let go of Fawkes' tail while we were at least 20 stories above the ground."

"Oh yeah, huh? ...AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!" she screamed as they started to plummet toward the gas station.

"Wait," said Draco in mid-air. He pulled out his wand and pointed it into the sky in a random direction. "ACCIO STINKIN' SONGBIRD!!"

"HEY! Don't call my baby a stinkin' song--ACK!" Icicle didn't get to complete her sentence because at that moment the stinkin' songbird accidentally thwapped her in the head on its way to Draco, knocking her ten feet to the side.

Draco grabbed Fawkes' tail feathers and watched Icicle plummet to earth beside him. He laughed evilly. "HA HA HA!!" Icicle gave him the finger. But luckily for her, at that moment passing beneath them was the Mattress & Marshmallow Fluffy Things Inc. company rickshaw! Icicle crashed into the rickshaw, landing in an explosion of feathers and other poofy things that explode when you land in them. When the dust settled, the rickshaw driver ran away as fast as he could, leaving Icicle sitting in the middle of the ruined mass of wood splinters and down that was once his rickshaw. (Hey, when someone's falling 500 feet from the air, it's gonna do some damage, mm-hm.)

Fawkes saw the whole thing and dive-bombed to the rickshaw, a screaming Unicorn Boy hanging on for dear life. Icicle sat up and swallowed a marshmallow. "Mm, fluffy goodness," she said. "I am enlightened!"

"Enlightened as to what, dear Weasley?" asked Draco, taking a seat on a pillow next to her.

"Well, I passed out mid-air there, and you know what I saw?"

"Your eyelids?"

"No, a duck! And the duck walked up to me, and said his name was Yukon Cornelius, and then-- then he was crushed by a flying ice cream truck. Next, I ran past an aeroplane made out of modeling clay, and fell into a swirly vortex of flying blue orbey-thingies, and died. But I actually woke up! Even though I died in the dream."

"Trippy."

"Yeah."

"So, what were you enlightened as to?"

"Uh... nothing, really."

"Ah, I see."

And they just sat there for about the next three days.

***

"Where the hell are those two?" Professor Snape asked sulkily, pouting at the steering wheel.

"I don't know," replied Ron. "Hey, look! A cow!" He jumped up with his camera and took a picture out of his window. "Hello cow!" Click. "Such a pretty cow, huh Professor?" Click. Professor Snape just stared at him. "Ooooh, you pretty little thing you... give me pouty! Angry! ...Yes, yeees... NO! NO!" Click click click. "Okay, back up now.... cow too close..." Click. "...And I'm spent!" Ron tried throwing the camera over his shoulder, but it hit Professor Snape in the nose. "No, cow, you back up now. Go do cow stuff and-- No-- NO-- COW TOO CLOSE!! COW TOO CLOSE!!" And indeed, now the cow was trying desperately to bite the window open. Ron recoiled, climbing into Icicle's unoccupied seat.

Meanwhile, Professor Snape noticed that another cow had nuzzled up against his window, trying to get in. A few more cows were approaching the car from all sides. "Um... Ron?" he asked nervously.

"Yes?"

"Are these cows friends of yours?"

"Nope. Why do you ask?"

"Because-- because they're assaulting my car!" Snape screamed, flinching as a particularly unsightly cow licked the windshield.

Ron cursed violently. Snape gasped girlishly. "Ronald! ...You swore!"

Just then, the cows began ramming the car from both sides, making it tip back and forth. Ron turned and avoided hitting his head on the wall just in time to see a brown-spotted cow rear up on its hind legs, let out an earsplitting moo of triumph, and use a wand to make an all-too-familiar skull and snake flash into the sky. Ron stared in horror. "These are... DEATH EATER COWS!!"

WHUMP!

"AAAHHH!!!" Ron and Snape screamed simultaneously as a huge dent appeared in the middle of the ceiling from a cow that launched itself onto the roof.

***

"Did you hear something?"

"Nope." Icicle and Draco (still with a blanket over his head) had begun walking toward the Chevron station they'd seen earlier. Fawkes circled overhead, not able to carry them because of tail strain from the voyage. Finally they reached the station, walked inside with the gas can, and were greeted by Bridget, your friendly neighborhood Mini-Mart cashier.

"Hiya!" Bridget screeched upon seeing them, shiny hair in a high ponytail and immaculate turquoise-and-purple uniform neatly dusted. This was all in sharp contrast to the conditions of Icicle Weasley and Draco Malfoy. "Nice suit!" Bridget giggled at Icicle. Icicle blinked. "Nice... er... blankie!" Bridget continued unabashed to Draco. "Like, are you a guy or a girl?"

"I'm a wizard, if that's what you mean," replied Draco quickly. Icicle twitched, still staring at Bridget.

Bridget giggled ditzily. "I bet you are. Happy birthday," she added, just now noticing the pointed lump where Draco's forehead would be. She turned to Icicle. "Like, I work here. How can I help you?"

Icicle just stared for a few minutes, opening and closing her mouth noiselessly, before twitching a smile in response and saying, "Uh... me and my friend-- that is, me and my brother-- acquaintance-- thing-- uh, we'd like to buy -- eeuuhhh...BZT! Zzt-zt-ztt DELETE...." These last few sounds came as she spontaneously short-circuited and stared off into space behind Bridget's shoulder, mouth hanging open.

Draco pushed in front of her, placing a hand on the counter impatiently. "We need petrol. How much is it?"

Bridget squealed and pinched Draco's cheek through the blanket. "Aren't you just the cutest thing? I just LOVE your British accent!"

Draco gnashed his teeth.

Bridget turned again to Icicle, who snapped out of it. "Oh, like, that's adorable! You have such a cute little brother!"

Icicle backed up hurriedly. "DON'T MAKE ME KILL YOU!!" She screamed and reached into a pocket of her jacket. Draco thwacked her.

Bridget raised an eyebrow. "O-kaay...."

Draco slammed his fist on the counter, getting hysterical. "Jeezie Creezie, woman, just sell us the petrol and shut your pie hole before you leak stupid juice all over the place!!"

"Good one, Draco," said Icicle, raising her eyebrows.

"Thank you."

"Like, fine then." Bridget, without another word, rang up their purchase (after Draco and Icicle got into an argument about whether or not to buy a candy bar for Ron) and set a gasoline can on the counter. "That'll be $10.45," she said, holding out her hand.

Icicle looked at Draco. Draco looked at Icicle. "Huddle up!" Icicle shouted, turning away from Bridget with Draco. "Did you bring any money?"

"No, I thought you did."

"Well crap."

"That isn't a good thing."

"So what do we do?"

Draco scratched his horn thoughtfully. "Let's grab the petrol and fly away."

Icicle snapped her fingers. "Draco, you astound me."

"Aw, shucks." And they turned around, smiled prettily at Bridget, grabbed the gas and ran. Fawkes met them outside and Icicle grabbed his tail while Draco clung to her arm for dear life, magicking the gas cans to follow him through the air. Several people stopped in their tracks, pulled magnificent spit-takes (regardless of whether they were actually drinking anything or not), and watched the boy, girl, and mythical bird ascend into the blue Texas sky.

Bridget, at the Mini-Mart, scowled after them, all previous peppiness vanishing immediately. For, you see, Bridget (like Icicle) was a very mercurial person. Scarily so, in fact. She stomped on a red button behind the counter, pulled on the walkie-talkie that popped out of a secret compartment on the desk, and spoke rapidly into it. "This is Beta Seven speaking, repeat Beta Seven. We have two armed robbery suspects pulling a robbery at Walton and Elm. Repeat; armed suspects, robbery, Walton-Elm. That is all." Then, releasing the walkie-talkie and letting it clatter to the floor, she leaned back, crossed her arms, and sneered in a manner that was anything but benign....

***

And at the time all this was going on, 'Stupid Boy!' was celebrating its... seventeenth... performance. Of course, they were doing it in the stupidest way possible-- by having an indoor picnic in the theater. Squishy the cat was of course their newest cast member, perched atop Harry's head while he sang the lead vocals for 'Love Shack.'

"Forget Weird Al! I have a Kitten Hat!" cried Harry idiotically, taking a sip of orange juice from a wine glass.

"I can't believe we've done seventeen shows and no one's killed anyone else!" Alice said.

"Shall I change that?" asked Professor Sprout, poof-ing more sandwiches to the plate in the middle of their blanket and glancing at Harry.

"Not guilty," said Hunyak.

"Flumduu." added Hermione. "Canada," translated Hans.

Professor Sprout was visibly at the end of her rope. "What do you mean, 'Canada!?' What is wrong with you, child!?" She stood up and launched herself at Hermione, tackling her. "You're- supposed- to- be- a- PRODIGY!!" (Each of these words was punctuated with a Rubik's cube thwack.)

Hermione squealed as Professor Sprout picked her up by the hair and held her off the floor. Alice gasped. "Professor! That's not very nice!!"

"You put that child down this instant!" reprimanded Fred.

"What did she ever do to you?" shouted George.

"Noggin!" offered Harry as a few more brain cells went skittering on their way.

"Aw, shaddup!" said Sprout, as Hermione crossed her arms and pouted, four inches off the ground.

Just then, Dobby appeared in a poof of smoke. "You shall not hurt Hermione Granger!" he cried, then magicked Professor Sprout so that on the end of her very nose, that's right, the nose that was in the middle of the face of Professor Sprout-- that nose-- that very one, and no other, for no, no other nose was present that got this treatment-- anyways, on the end of Professor Sprout's nose there formed not one, not two, but-- okay, so there was just one... HUMONGOUS ZIT!

Everyone within a 5-mile radius gasped, scarfed down a muffin, choked on the muffin, and went back to whatever they'd been doing.

Fred coughed. "In the name of all that is holy, what is THAT!?"

"It's a zit!" cried Alice, horrified.

"No it's not! It's an ALIEN being!! I saw it breathe!!!" yelled Tiger. She then proceeded to run around in circles waving her arms madly and falling off the stage and landing in a bass drum and she cried and I like eggs and this is far too long to be any form of compound sentence known to man. Yes, Tiger is a very 'complex' character (which is just the Author's mildly deceptive way of saying that I've got no clue what's going to happen in the story yet and just write whatever comes to mind.)

At that moment, Voldemort crashed through the back wall of the stage, causing a giant cloud of dust and rubble to engulf everyone momentarily. (See? I told you.) Upon seeing the zit, he hollered, "JEEZIE CREEZIE, WHAT IS THAT THING!?!" and ran away screaming, totally forgetting that he meant to kill Harry right then and there and probably would have succeeded.

Professor Sprout's eyes welled up and she dropped Hermione, covering her face. "NOOOOOO! I thought zits were only for adolescents and unhygienic older people!!"

"Apparently not," said Harry.

"Let's play cards!" said Alice.

"Let's not," said Tiger, simply to be argumentative.

"Fine by me," said Fred and George.

Hunyak nodded.

Hermione was unconscious because of the hair-pulling-ness.

Sprout ran off crying.

So, Harry, Alice, Fred, and George pulled out a deck of cards and began playing Go Fish. Tiger and Hunyak watched.

*BZT*

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A/N: And once again, it took me forever to post this chapter. But on the plus side, it's my birthday!! ^_^ *Idiotic grin* I'm turning--