Title : I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO LOVE YOU ANYMORE
Author : FuJinGrL
Anime Series : Yu Yu Hakusho
Rating : PG-13
Genre : Songfic, Romance, Angst
Disclaimer : Although it would be totally awesome to say that I own YYH, I DON'T. So I'll just stick to this miserable life of mine where I DON'T make any profit from my fics at all. Thanks for listening! :D
Song : I'm Not Supposed To Love You Anymore
Performed by Trademark
Teaser : The perfect couple is finally shattered and their marriage destroyed. With it being a legal divorce, Yusuke and Keiko have agreed to clear it all out. But even with the marriage annulled, could the love within their hearts really be over? Only when an inevitable fate befalls the couple do they both realize the true answer.
"Otousan, can't I stay one more day with you? I don't understand why I need to go back right away…"I'm sorry…I have to do this…
He looked down at him. "Your Otousan just has to take care of something. It's sudden notice, and I need to attend to it right away." He smiled and gave the little boy's hand an affectionate squeeze. "Don't worry, I'll be back really soon."Somehow I will…
The boy blinked up innocently at him. "Promise?"
… I promise.
He nodded. "You can count on it."
And the boy grinned.
The pair continued to walk down the sidewalk, and turned left towards a little village he knew oh-so-well. He walked up the steps of the familiar house, clutching the boy's hand, and paused.
"Ne, Otousan, how long will you be gone?"
He swallowed, deciding on what to tell him. "I'm not too sure, but I'll only be gone for a short while. I wouldn't want to miss playing with you." He smiled at the boy again and took a deep breath, finally lifting his finger to ring the doorbell to the house.
And the same, heavenly face he'd long fallen for greeted him. "Hey."
She barely moved her lips. "Come on in."
The moment he stepped inside the small house, the comforting atmosphere of his old life enveloped him, calming his soul and bringing back all the memories he used to enjoy. For a moment there he'd almost forgotten why he was here, giving his son over to Keiko's custody and ending his share earlier than usual. It almost seemed normal for him to be here, with his son, with his wife.
He let go of the boy's hand and the boy immediately ran to give his mom a hug. Keiko returned the affection and kissed the little boy's forehead. She let go and ruffled through his hair. "Go on upstairs now, Kenjo; your toys are already up in your room," she smiled. Kenjo nodded and bounded up the stairs enthusiastically.
Which left the couple alone downstairs.
He struggled to speak. "Keiko, I—"
"Why the sudden urge to bring him back here early?" Keiko cut him off. He cleared his throat to explain, but couldn't seem to find the right words to say.
Keiko sighed impatiently. "Yusuke, I don't have all day. If you plan to tell me why anytime soon, then please do so, okay? But if you don't then I suggest you leave now."
Yusuke stared at the floor for a while, letting Keiko's words sink in. So harsh, so frank…it definitely didn't have the old tenderness it once had for him. And that was reason enough for him to do what she wanted.
"Well?" Keiko prompted. "Do you have anything to say?"
He blinked and looked up from the floor at her. "No…I don't." He turned around and headed for the door. "Ja." And he left.
Funny how their once affectionate relationship could end up quite this way. How everything all went down to a crisp. To the extent that he couldn't even tell his wife whatever it was he wanted to say.
Perhaps, it truly was, the end.
We agreed that it was over
Now the lines have all been drawn
The vows we made began to fade
But now they're gone
Yusuke shoved his hands into his pockets and made his way down the street, heading towards his friend's house where they were supposed to meet. Some things had to be dealt with, and he couldn't even tell Keiko.
The one person whom he used to confide everything to was now too distant for him to reach.
Put your pictures in a shoebox
And my gold ring in a drawer
I'm not supposed to love you anymore.
He sighed and reached the block where his friend lived, but before he even reached the front steps, the door to the house burst open and he stumbled back in surprise.
"Kurama!" He exclaimed, puzzled at his friend's fuming figure. "Where the heck are you going?"
"Damn it," Kurama cursed, running his hand through his long, crimson hair. He walked towards Yusuke and jerked his head towards the open front door. "Botan's crazy! It's a living hell in there right now and I need some damn space." He took a deep breath again, trying to regain his composure. "I told her I'm going out to buy something for a while, so do you mind waiting inside before we leave?"
"…" Yusuke gaped at Kurama's long-lost calm-and-collected-attitude. "Uh, sure…just make it quick, okay?"
Kurama shook his hair again and uttered a small "thanks", before leaving at the speed of light. Yusuke raised his eyebrows in question after him, and slowly stepped into the house.
The living room was empty, save for the little baby girl quietly snoozing in a crib in a corner. Yusuke turned right into the dining room and saw what was bugging Kurama.
A pretty, blue-haired girl swung her head towards him and was just about to yell something, but soon stopped when she saw whom it was that walked in. "Yuu-kun!" She smiled. "What brings you here?"
He didn't say anything, and the girl must've noticed this because she immediately blushed and looked down. "You…you probably heard the whole thing, huh…"
He shook his head. "Actually, I didn't; but I just met Kurama on his way out, and—" he stopped short. The girl had slumped down on one of the chairs at the dining table and had buried her face in her hands. Only when he stepped closer did he notice that she was crying.
"Botan…hey…daijoubu desu ka…?" He knelt down in front of her.
"It's just that…Kurama's not acting the way he usually does these past few days…" Botan sobbed. "And I'm really worried…he barely ever sleeps, and he barely ever touches his food…I'm just scared that something might happen to him and I don't know how to stop it…" she paused to wipe a few of the tears away. "I tried to know what was wrong but he just burst out on me and I don't even know why…" She looked up at him. "What's the matter with him, Yuu-kun…? Why can't he be the Kurama he used to be…"
"…" Yusuke kept silent and let Botan shed her silent tears. He couldn't say anything, because he knew exactly why Kurama was acting that way. He would've done the same thing if he were still married to Keiko.
"…sometimes I think…that you and Keiko are better off…" Botan continued. "It's probably better that way, huh…I bet you never even have to worry about anything anymore…"
He looked down. Was his life really better this way? Was having not to worry really worth letting Keiko go…?
…if only she knew…
Now Sherri says she jealous
Of this freedom that I've found
If she were me she would be
Out on the town
And she says she can't imagine
What on earth I'm waiting for
Yusuke closed his eyes and clenched his fist. Keiko…
I'm not supposed to love you anymore.
"Alright, you all know what to do. So I expect all three of you out by dawn. Am I making myself clear?" Koenma leaned forward on his desk and strictly eyed the three demons a few hours later. Yusuke glanced at Kurama and Hiei, who had met up with him outside Kurama's house a while back. The pair looked at him as well and looked back at Koenma.
"Crystal," Hiei replied for the three of them.
"Good." Koenma leaned back into his chair. "Oh, and…make all the necessary…uh…last-minute preparations tonight. You can't afford to be beaten by the morning sun." He sighed. "I'm sorry."
Yusuke sensed Kurama tense up beside him, and knew in an instant what he was thinking. Because he felt exactly the same way.
Too bad there was no other choice but to do this.
"Hai. Wakaremashita." Yusuke nodded.
"Then you have the whole evening. Dismissed." Koenma waved his hand and motioned for them to leave.
The three gave a bow and walked towards the door. The moment they felt the Reikai air, Hiei gave them both a curt nod and sped off. Perhaps he wanted to make the most of what's left of the night.
Kurama turned to Yusuke as they both made their way to the Ningenkai realm. "Ne, Yusuke…how are you going to…?"
He didn't reply for a while, and the two of them enjoyed the silence. Until Yusuke spoke.
"I don't know," he sighed. "I honestly don't know."
The two of them stopped at a fork on the Ningenkai road, and Kurama faked a smile. "Well…good luck."
Yusuke tried to smile as well. "Ditto." And they parted ways.
Leaving Yusuke to his inner, confused thoughts. All of which were, of course, directed to Keiko. How was he going to do it? How will it all turn out? Where will he find the guts to tell her? And most importantly…
How will they make it through…?
Oh I shouldn't care or wonder where and how you are
But I can't hide this hurt inside my broken heart
I'm fighting back emotions that I've never fought before
'Cause I'm not supposed to love you anymore.
Yusuke shut the door to his room and collapsed into bed, his arms spread out, staring blankly at the ceiling. Everything just seemed to be moving too fast…and he couldn't keep up with the pace. One moment he was married to Keiko, with an adorable baby boy in his arms, and was the happiest man on earth…
…but the next moment, his life was shattered, and his family was broken. And now…
It was too much to think about, and it was too hard to accept. But this was life. And no one ever said that life was easy, or fair, for that matter. Because there was completely nothing fair about what was happening and what was going to happen to his life right now.
He shifted in his position and caught sight of a framed portrait of him and Keiko at an amusement park years ago, with genuine smiles plastered on their faces. He could almost see the radiance of her beautiful brown eyes, sparkling the old glow it used to have for him…
He abruptly got up from bed.
All of a sudden he knew what he had to do.
Now I'm writing you this letter
And it's killing me tonight
That I agreed when you believed
It wasn't right
He put down the pen and folded the paper, inserting it neatly into the envelope. He opened his desk drawer and took out his ring…their wedding ring…and slipped it inside as well.
He wouldn't be needing it anymore.
And I couldn't sleep up on the bed
So I'm down here on the floor
He stopped in front of the familiar house again, and glanced up at the dim glow of the lampshade coming from the window of Keiko's room. He adjusted the coat he was wearing and heaved a sigh. He wanted so much to see her…to hear her…to touch her…to tell her everything he was feeling…
…and to tell her how much he still loved her…but…
He knew it wouldn't be possible. It wouldn't be right.
He sighed again and instead, dropped the letter in his hand into the mail slot. Perhaps it was better like this. Perhaps they were never meant to be together in the first place. Perhaps she was destined to be with someone else.
And perhaps it was better to let it stay that way.
He gave one last glimpse up her window, and smiled. He knew this would be a moment to cherish for the rest of his life.
And he turned around to leave.
Where I'm not supposed to love you anymore...
Keiko stretched her arms over her head and yawned. The weather was as hot as usual…but somehow she had the feeling this day was going to be different. She just couldn't quite put her finger to it.
She shielded her eyes with her hands as she stepped out into the morning sun, walking towards the front porch where she always got her daily newspaper and mail. She peeked at the mail slot and took out a single letter with no address or sender on it.
But the shrill sound of sobbing immediately made her forget all about the unknown mail.
Botan came running from the street towards her, her eyes swollen and her face glistening with fresh tears. She fell into Keiko's comforting embrace the instant she reached her.
"K-Keiko-chan! I…I can't believe this…!" Botan sobbed, finding it hard to speak.
Keiko's brows knit in confusion. "What's wrong, Bo-chan?"
"Kurama!" Botan answered, looking up to face Keiko. "Kurama, he's…he's gone, Keiko! He's gone…" She trailed off and sobbed once more.
"What do you mean…?" Keiko replied, still confused. But she was informed soon enough. And her heart practically died at Botan's next words.
"It's the three youkais of the Reikai Tantei…they're going on a suicide mission, Keiko…they're not coming back…anymore…"
And Keiko felt like everything around her just faded away…leaving only her memories…and Yusuke's face…smiling at her…
Instinctively, she opened the letter in her hand. And she read what she'd been expecting.
Yusuke was saying goodbye.
"Oh I shouldn't care or wonder where and how you are
But I can't hide this hurt inside my broken heart
I'm fighting back emotions that I've never fought before…"
Keiko flinched at the last line, for his words couldn't have struck her heart any harder.
"'Cause I'm not supposed to love you anymore…"
And in an instant, all of their memories together came flooding into her brain, each memory flashing terribly right in front of her eyes…Yusuke keeping her safe from harm…smirking at her with his lopsided grin…running around for her to chase…goofily playing his video games…toying with her hair…tracing the outline of her lips…kissing her tenderly…and telling her how much he loved her…
Now that he was gone…she couldn't even say goodbye…
And she couldn't even tell him that she felt exactly the same way.
I'm fighting back emotions that I've never fought before…
Keiko closed her eyes and let the tears flow freely. All this time they've been apart…she'd been trying hard not to fall for him again…
But now, there was nothing more to hold back.
Nothing at all.
'Cause I'm not supposed to love you anymore.
8:42 pm (edited)
December 11, 2002
Sorry if it's angst and all…this is the same story as my other songfic entitled "I'll say goodbye for the two of us" but with a different point of view. Sorry, but I was feeling kinda down and sentimental…nothing much to say, either. :D