Harry dropped to his knees in front of Ginny's body. "Ginny, oh no, Ginny, wake up!"

"She won't wake. I'VE SUCKED OUT HER SOOOOUL!" Riddle shrieked gleefully, running around in circles.

Harry backed away nervously. "I'd better not be related to this weirdo."

Riddle paused to glare at Harry and to summon his enormous demon serpent from the depths of the earth. "Hey, you down there!" he shouted, chucking rocks into a large, deep hole. "Yeah, you! Come on! I'm paying you how much to terrorize this school? You haven't even paid your rent!"

A sibilant hiss came from the huge hole and echoed in the Chamber. Harry, naturally, ran forwards to see what was making the sound, just as the snake poked its ugly head out from the hole. Harry hit the brakes and his brand- new sneakers squeaked on the clean, shiny marble floor.

Riddle screamed and clapped his hands over his ears. Harry, taken aback, spun around to face him and his sneakers squeaked again. The snake paused.

"Stop it! Stop it!" Riddle shrieked, pointing at Harry's sneakers. "I hate that sound! I hate it! Make it stop!"

Harry peered at Riddle. "You're a bit of a psychopath, you know that?" he asked suspiciously.

"Eat him!" Riddle yelled at the snake, stamping his foot and pointing at Harry.

Harry stared. "I'm having a dream," he told himself. "And it's a really stupid one."

The serpent, muttering 'I paid my rent, you blockhead, you just lost the cheque' to Riddle, slithered forward and raised its head to bite Harry.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!" screamed Harry.

"STOP SCREAMING!" yelled Riddle.

"SHUT UP, THE BOTH OF YOU!" somebody else hollered.

Harry, Riddle and the snake all turned to the opening to the Chamber. Fawkes the phoenix came flying in, silently cursing alliteration, and began to poke out the snake's eyes with its beak.

"Wow, thanks, Fawkes!" Harry exclaimed as the snake shrieked and flailed about, obviously in a large amount of pain. "I guess I can just get rid of Riddle over there now, cause the snake can't hurt me if it can't see me!" Harry was then forced to duck as the angry Basilisk lunged at Harry. "Hey! You're cheating! You can't see me!" Harry yelled indignantly, and then had to throw himself to the side as the snake took another swipe at him. Scrambling to his feet, he dodged the flashing fangs and took off for the entrance to the Chamber.

"Ha! Ha! Ha! Foolish boy!" Riddle cackled. "The snake can still smell and hear you! You're not safe! BWA HA HA!"

Harry, sprinting for the entrance, snagged his foot on an outcropping of rock and fell in slow motion. The snake blinked and frowned as he was suddenly forced to move in slow motion. "Curse these slow mo scenes," he muttered to himself.

Harry shut his eyes and waited for the Basilisk to bite him. After a couple seconds, nothing happened, so he opened one eye a crack. The serpent, looking very frustrated, was still raising its head in slow motion.

"Oh," Harry said, shaking his head. "Cut the slow mo!"

"Sorry," someone called off-screen. The Basilisk returned to normal speed, complete with nasty-looking fangs, towering above Harry with eyes dripping blood.

"Uh - guys? Is there any chance I could have that slow motion back? Guys? Please?" Harry yelled as the snake opened its mouth.

"Nope, all we got is this!" they yelled back, tossing him a sword.

"Wow." Harry contemplated the shiny silver sword for a moment, before remembering that a giant serpent was about to eat him.

"No touchy!" Harry yelled, ramming the sword into the roof of the Basilisk's mouth as it launched itself at him.

The serpent screamed and thrashed about, the sword still stuck in its mouth. Both Harry and Riddle watched as the Basilisk gave one final shriek before falling to the ground with a dramatic thud. Harry smiled, pleased with himself, before once again remembering that there was a psychopathic Dark Lord there as well. Said Dark Lord was standing at the edge of the hole the Basilisk had lived in, pouting something dreadful.

Harry thought for a second. Then his cunning Gryffindor mind kicked in and a plan came to him.

"Boo!" he yelled.

Riddle screamed and whirled around, trying to locate Harry. Some well- placed rocks under his feet came loose and he stumbled backward, arms flailing, before falling into the hole with a shriek. "Ha! That'll teach you!" Harry yelled, running over to the hole.

"Knock 'em dead, Harry," Fawkes agreed, fluttering down to rest on Harry's shoulder. They both peered down at Tom Riddle, shaking his fist up at Harry and shouting threats.

"You wait till I get up there, I'll set hordes of fan girls on you! I'll send you to dozens of autograph sessions! I'll plaster movie posters of you all over the castle!" he screamed.

Harry blinked.

Riddle glowered. "Besides, the only way to kill me is to come down here yourself, and then I'll kill you!"

Harry frowned. "You don't even have a wand!"

Riddle smiled slyly and produced Harry's wand from his robes. "Oh yes, I do," he sang. "I got it out of your pocket during the slow motion scene."

"Oh." Harry hesitated. "You should probably know -"

"Avada Kedavra!" Riddle screamed, pointing the wand at Harry, which promptly turned into a chicken.

"What the -" Riddle gaped, now holding a rubber chicken.

"I think my real wand's back up in my room," Harry said to himself. "Probably should have brought it, too." Raising his voice, he yelled down to Riddle, "Sorry, that's one of Fred and George's fake wands. Mine's not here."

Forcing back a ridiculous pout, Riddle glared up at Harry. "Well, that just means that you can't hurt me either! So there!" he yelled, crossing his arms.

Harry smiled to himself. "Can too," he called down, and spun on his heel.

His sneaker squeaked loudly and Riddle froze. "Stop - that," he said jerkily.

Harry smiled sweetly down at Riddle and spun in a circle, shoes squeaking. Riddle attempted to attack the wall of the hole to get to Harry. "STOP! STOP! STOP!" he hollered.

Harry continued to spin. Riddle's head spontaneously exploded.

Harry gazed down into the hole. "Ouch," he remarked, before skipping happily back to pick up the sword and get out of the Chamber.