Writer's Note: Found this story floating around my tumblr and realized I hadn't posted it. Here you go!
Cards Against Humanity
"…Weren't these banned?" Sephiroth asks as he opens his hand, one silver eyebrow curving up.
Cloud's eyes flick through his card and he understands immediately why this game was banned. SOLDIERs and a dirty card game that can easily be made into a drinking game? Cloud was almost surprised it wasn't banned the moment it was invented. Reno was grinning of course, because this was exactly the sort of game he played.
"Nevermind that," Zack waved away Sephiroth's mild rebuke. "Neither of you have played this and that really is a crime against humanity."
Zack waggled his eyebrows at his pun, but Cloud was trying not to make a face at one of his cards and Sephiroth's neutral expression looked almost deadpan. Reno rolled his eyes. "We playin' or what? Anyone got chips?"
"We're not gambling," Sephiroth said flatly.
"Then we're drinkin?" Reno asked, looking around Zack's apartment like he'd missed the liquor cabinet on the way in.
"We're doing it for laughs," Zack said.
"…You have to have a bottle here somewhere," Reno said, getting up and rummaging through Zack's kitchen. He returned a moment later triumphantly with a bottle of whiskey in his hand. "Everyone take a sip." Reno generously passed it around, and while Sephiroth and Zack both refused Cloud took a mouthful. He might need it.
"First black card," Zack said, not losing any of his momentum even as Reno took two swallows in a row. Zack flipped the first one from the deck over.
What's fun until it gets weird?
Sephiroth placidly put his white card down after some contemplation while Reno hemmed and hawed for a moment before sliding his on to the table. Cloud stared at the perfect card in his hand and dithered for a moment before putting it down.
Zack gathered up all the white cards and shuffled them before laying each flat and reading them aloud. "Dining with cardboard cutouts from 'Loveless'," he read, gaze going immediately to Sephiroth. "Necrophilia," he said more slowly, glancing at Reno now, and, "A slightly shittier parallel universe."
Reno took a hardy drink to stop from laughing as Cloud deliberately adopted a blank look.
"You guys know the point is to pick a card that you think the judge will choose, right? And not the card that most obviously gives away who picked it?"
"You did not adequately explain that corollary," Sephiroth said.
"You're bleeding," Reno interrupted, and Sephiroth turned sharply to stare at him. "No, I mean, I can see your cards." The General snapped them back up to his chest and glared, and Reno shrugged his shoulders so it wouldn't look cowardly when he broke eye contact.
"Let's try this again. Your turn Reno," Zack said, pushing the black deck over to him.
The class field trip was ruined by _.
Zack slapped his card down immediately. Cloud and Sephiroth were slower but the moment all three cards were on the table Reno swept them up and shuffled them.
"We've got… 'President Shinra in women's underwear'—not bad—'headless, child zombies'—okay, weird—and 'a rendition of 'Ice2 Ice2 Baby' sung by chocobos with the flu'." Reno paused and visibly reread that one. "I'm going with President Shinra in women's underwear."
Reno looked at Zack, who shrugged. "I was zombies."
"Seriously?" Reno sputtered as Cloud claimed the black card. When Reno looked at him Cloud minutely shook his head. Reno could see in Cloud's eyes that the blond had seen things.
"Wait, you know that song Sephiroth?" Zack asked, looking surprised at the General.
"The radio is frequently on in the First Class gym," he answered casually.
"Well, at least everyone's getting the hang of the game," Zack shrugged.