Hi! *waving* I have a new story for y'all. This one is a little different from NABS. This story will have more angst. I've had this story rattling around in my head for a while, and it got to the point that it would not shut up. lol Plus, I wanted to push myself to see if I would be able to write something different from NABS.
If you followed my NABS story, you know that I am a busy Mama, so I don't know how often I will be able to update. I'm going to try to shoot for weekly. Sometimes it may be more often, sometimes it may be I can't update for two weeks... But I will update when I find the time. If I get to a point where I see I won't be able to update in the near future or I'm stuck with a writers block, I will let y'all know.
I don't know how many chapters this story will have. I do know this story will not be as long as my other story though. Hell, for all I know y'all will hate the first chapter and tell me that this story needs to be canned before it even really begins. I hope not though because I love what I have so far.
I know the beginning, I know snippets of the middle and I know where I eventually want this story to end up. Even with the angst, I do promise this will be a HEA story with NO CHEATING.
I walk in the front door of my and Christian's home and hear the sound of my husband's voice. Even after 6 years of marriage, just the sound of his voice still sends shivers up and down my spine. When we married, I loved him so much I thought there was no way I could love him more... I could not have been more wrong. I love that man so much it hurts. Our life together has been great. I can't say that it has been all smooth sailing because it hasn't, but when you are married to a head strong alpha man, you are bound to butt heads every now and then. However those arguments are few and far between, and never last too long.
But, I know the discussion I am gearing up to have tonight will probably be the biggest argument we have had in years...
When I turn the corner, I see that he is sitting at the breakfast bar talking to Gail as she makes our dinner. When Christian sees me, his eyes light up like they always do when I walk into a room, "Mrs. Grey, I thought I was going to have to drag you out of the office." He joked.
"I know. The new author was running late because her child was sick." I smile up at him as he pulls me to him for a kiss.
What I wouldn't give to be late for a meeting because I had to take care of my child... a child with my husband.
"Would you like a glass of wine Ana?" Gail asks from her spot at the sink.
"Yes, please." I smile at her. My sweet Gail, the woman that I have grown to love like a family member.
Wine.. I'll need it, lots of it tonight. I will need all the liquid courage I can muster.
Christian and I talk about our day as he and I eat. He tells me about a problem he is having with a new shipment to Darfur. He and Ros spent most of the day trying to get the details of that shipment ironed out, and he is worried that he may have to field some calls from Ros in his office this evening.
Once we have finished our dinner, I ask, "Honey, will you please join me in the living room? I have something I want to talk with you about."
He gives me a curious look and then stands with his hand extended to help me out of my seat. Always the gentleman. "Come Mrs. Grey."
Making our way to the living room, I go over in my head exactly what I want to say to him. I want a baby. I first brought up this subject around year three of marriage. Christian felt that the timing wasn't right and he wasn't ready to share me yet, so we shelved the talk for another year... and then another... and then another.
I am starting to fear that for my husband the timing will never be right. I don't know what's holding him back. We have done all of the things he and I set out to do. We have traveled the world. I have been to places in the last 6 years I never dreamt of going. I worked my ass of and learned everything I could about the publishing industry, and I am now the CEO of Grey Publishing. And let's face it, being able to provide financially for a child was never the issue.
It seems like everyone around us is creating and building their family. Kate and Elliot have Ava,3 and Faith, 1. Mia and Ethan just welcomed their first child, a son, Alexander, two weeks ago. I know it may sound like jealousy on my part, but it's not. I could not be happier for them. But my heart aches so bad that I physically feel the pain when I see them cuddling and loving on their children. I want that.. I want to be a mother.. I want to carry my and Christian's child within my womb.
Being a wife and mother is something I, like most little girls, have dreamed of for a long as I can remember. I just hope with all my might that Christian will finally agree that it's time. It's not like my biological clock is ticking. I'm only 27, but my womb and heart are aching.
"Earth to Ana." Christian says smiling. I was so lost in thought that I didn't realize I had been sitting on the couch staring into space.
"Sorry." I smile sheepishly.
"Ana, Baby, whatever this is, I can see it's weighing heavy on your mind. Is everything okay?" He asks with a calming smile on his face, as he tucks my hair behind my ear. Even though his smile is it's doing nothing for my nerves.
"Everything is fine, I, um.. just wanted to talk to you about something." I pause and take a calming breath, "I been thinking a lot lately, and well... um, how would you feel about you and I trying for a baby?" I finish with what I hope is a hopeful smile.
The smile he was wearing drops from his face in an instant. "Ana, we have a great marriage, and I like things the way they are for now." He shakes his head, "The timing-"
I cut him off with a raise of my hand, "Christian, please don't give me the 'timing isn't right' excuse. As far as I can see, the timing is perfect. I want to have children! I want to make a family... With you! So please, please, please tell me the real reason you keep putting it off." I'm starting to get worked up, but I don't know if it's because of anger or if it's because of fear... Fear that he keeps putting this off because he doesn't want a family.
With the next words that come out of his mouth, my fears are confirmed. "Ana, I love you, but I don't think I will ever be ready for children."
"What?" I asks breathlessly. I can feel the back of my eyelids start to sting with the threat of tears. I, however do not want to cry because I don't want Christian to feel I'm trying to manipulate him with tears. I'm not that kind of woman. I would never use tears to try and get my way with Christian.
"I'm sorry, but I can't see myself as a father, Ana... ever."
"Why? Why, Christian? When we were first married you told me that you wanted children at some point in our future. Did you lie to me? Did you ever see yourself having children, or is it a lie you told me so that I had incentive not to leave?" If I wasn't only twenty seven, I would swear I was having a heart attack right now. The weight and crushing feeling I have on my chest it like nothing I ever felt. Even the hours years ago when Christian was missing after Charlie Tango went down. I had hope back then that my man was going to walk through the door of our apartment. Now... Now I feel like all hopes I have ever had of being a mother were crushed.
Crushed by the man that I promised the rest of my life to 6 years ago.
"I didn't lie to you Ana. I thought back then that I would eventually come around to the idea of children. But the more time I've had to think on it, the more I realize that I am not father material. I am not going to risk the chance of passing on the fucked up genes I have thanks to my crack whore of a birthmother and whichever John of hers that was my sperm donor. Face it Ana, I am not father material. I wish I was the type of man that could you children, but I'm not. I can see the hurt in your beautiful blue eyes baby, and I am so sorry I caused that hurt." He lowers his voice to barely a whisper, "This, being a father, this is something I don't think I can do."
I shake my head in disbelief, "I.. um, don't now what to say. You have never told me you felt this way." I'm about to say more when Taylor walks in.
"Mr. Grey, I'm sorry to interrupt, but there is a situation. The Darfur shipment has been hijacked." Taylor states.
"Pull the car around and call Ros and Welch. Tell them to meet me at Grey House within the hour." Christian replies.
He stands and pulls me up into his arms. "I'm sorry, baby, but I have to see to this. Just know that I love you more than you will ever know." He kisses me. "We will finish this when I get home tonight."
When I hear the front door shut and I know that he is gone, then and only then do I allow myself to cry. I cry for the children that Christian and I are never going to have. I cry for the decision my husband made without even talking with me... and, finally I cry for the man who is in many ways still a lost little boy.
Once I am finally all cried out, I make my way to the kitchen to grab a glass of wine so I can drink it while I soak in a tub of hot, bubbly water. Gail is still in there cleaning up from dinner. I know by the sad look in her eyes that she heard Christian and me talking. She doesn't say anything, she just reaches out and gives my hand a supporting squeeze as I walk by. This one little simple gesture makes the tears that I thought were gone being to flow again.
Christian and I didn't finish our talk that night. By the time he arrived back home, it was already after midnight and I was asleep.. or at least I pretended to be. To be honest, I just did not have the strength emotionally, or physical to continue the disastrous discussion. When he came to bed, I lay on my side facing away from him. He called my name a few times, but I said nothing. He eventually pulled me into his arms and whispered softly into my hair, "I'm so, so sorry Ana. I love you so much, and I want nothing more than to give you everything you want. I just don't know how I can give you this."
He thought I was asleep, but I wasn't. I didn't sleep at all the night. With the thoughts running through my head it was impossible. Will I be able to live the rest of my life without fulfilling my dream of becoming a mother? Will I be able to look at the man that I love and not resent the fact that he took this away from me... from us? And God forbid, if I did resent him, would I be able to walk away from this marriage? Would I be able to live my life without the man that is currently holding me as if he didn't I'd vanish in to thin air? Would I be able to breathe without this man?
When the clock hits 5 am, I know that there is no use to stay in bed. I quietly slip out of our bed and make my way to the bathroom. Once I've showered and dressed for the day I tip toe out of the bedroom so I wouldn't wake Christian. Before I close to door behind me, I looked back and watched my husband curled around my pillow, sleeping. What am I going to do? I stand in the doorway watching him for I don't know how long. It could seconds, minutes, or hours. Images of us over the past 6 years run though my head like a movie reel. And that's when it hits me... I know what I have to do. I know what my decision will have to be. No matter how bad that decision is going to hurt me. And God does it hurt!
"Good morning, Gail." I say when I walk into the kitchen. "You're here early."
She turns to give me a small smile that doesn't reach her eyes. "Good morning Ana. I'm here early so I can get an early start. I wanted to be sure I was able to make you your favorites this morning. You need some comfort food, sweet girl."
Her kind words bring tears to my eyes, but I tilt my head back so they wont spill over. "Thank you Gail." I finally choke out once I am able to swallow around the ball that is in my throat.
She goes about making breakfast as I go to my office to make sure I have everything in my bag that I will need for work today. While in here, I also sit at my desk to check a few emails while I drink my tea.
My plan for today.. throw myself into my work to keep my mind off of my home life... That's my plan for today at least. One day at a time, right? And my plan for my husband... Smile and fake it until I make it. Because the more I think about all of this, the more sure I am Christian will never change his mind. He is the type of man that when he sets his mind to something, it would be nearly impossible to change it.
If I want my husband and my marriage, I will have to give up my dream...
When I get back to the kitchen, I find Christian at the breakfast bar with a cup of coffee in his hand. He turns his head when he hears me approach. "Good morning, Mrs. Grey." His smooth voice says. The uneasy smile on his face tells me that he isn't sure how this morning is going to go either.
"Morning handsome." I say and give him a kiss.
"Are you okay? Did you sleep well last night?" He asks.
I smile and lie, "Yes." Fake it until you make it. I have a feeling this is going to become my new mantra.
"I woke this morning without you in my arms." He states.
"I had a lot of work to get to today. I woke early and since I was already awake, I decided to get a head start on my emails." I lie again.
He looks at me for a few beats. I know he looking to see if he can judge if I'm being truthful. But one of the many things I have learned from my dear husband over the past 6 years is how to have a good poker face.
He reaches out and pulls me to him by my waist, "Do you know how much I love and cherish you?" He mummers into the crook of my neck.
"I do know that, Christian." I state truthfully. And I do, I do know he loves me even though he refuses to even be open about the idea of children.
"I hate to rush off," He sighs and rubs a hand through his hair, "but I need to get to the office. There is a lot of shit going on with our shipments and Ros, Welch and I need to get the security situated. We lost over two hundred thousand in goods last night when that shipment was high jacked."
"Was any one hurt?" I asked, concerned.
"Thankfully no, but if we don't get a handle on this I fear someone will end up hurt." He stands and gives me a long, loving kiss. "I'll see you this evening." And with that, he is out the door.
He didn't mention any more about the talk we were supposed to finish last night. But I guess now that I have made my decision there is no need to have that talk now. We could talk and I could plead until I was blue in the face, but nothing would change. His answer would still be no.
I got in to the office super early this morning due to the fact that I left the house soon after Christian did. Even though it's already Wednesday, today feels like a Monday. I tried... really tried to throw myself into my work, but I can't get my mind to concentrate. I keep going back to last night and picturing the look on Christian's face when I told him I was ready to start a family. Now that I think back on it and can look at it without my shock clouding my vision, I can see the look on his face looked a lot like fear.
My cell phone rings a little after ten. I look at the screen to that it's Christian calling.
"Hello?" I answer.
"Hey, baby. I know this is sort of last minute, but I need to deal with this shipment problem in person. Taylor and I will be flying out to New Orleans in the hour. Seems our shipyard there is where our initial problem stems from."
He has to leave. Today. I take a deep breath so he wont be able to hear the unease in my voice. "When will you be home?"
"This shouldn't take but a day or two. I will be home Saturday morning at the latest."
Even though I hate when he is gone, in some ways this will be good. It will give me a few days to get my emotions in check, so maybe... maybe by the time he returns, I will be over the hurt and ready to move on with our life.
"Okay. You be careful. Call me or send me a quick text when you land. I love you."
I hear him release a sigh, "I love you too, Anastasia. So fucking much. I'll call you."
As soon as Christian and I hang up my phone rings again. Thinking it's Christian again, I answer without looking at the screen.
"Did you forget something, Baby?" I ask when I answer.
"Ana?" Mia replies.
"Oh Mia, I thought you were your brother." I giggle.
"I got that when you called me baby." She laughs.
"Sorry. What's up. How is the little guy?"
"Little Alex is doing so good. Actually that's why I'm calling. He can't wait to hang with his family, so Ethan and I are hosting a little barbeque at our house Saturday evening, and we would love for everyone to come."
"We wouldn't miss it. Christian is leaving today for a last minute trip, but he should be back in time."
"Goodie. See you then." She says just before she's gone.
Three days... I have three days to prepare myself so I can cuddle and love on my nieces and new nephew without having a breakdown.