Why Won't You Die?!

This popped into my head after finishing Metroid Prime 2 and seeing that once again, Dark Samus survived. Seriously, the amount of resurrections she had is borderline obscene. No, I don't know why this prompted a stupid, terribly written, obscene parody with bitchy OOC characters. Don't judge me. XD

"Who the hell are you?" Samus exclaimed, glancing around the dark, gloom-filled world she had seemingly emerged through the gateway into. The comment's target was the figure in front of her, a figure in black and blue armour almost identical in design to her own. Smoke flitted around the edges of her vision, with odd, many-legged creature skittering about in the dark, but not distracting Samus in the slightest.

She'd been having a bad enough day as it was, what with the search and rescue contract going sideways, getting stranded on another planet with a curiously similar ecosystem to the last one, and probably about to be getting roped into another planet-saving adventure, judging by this dark world full of crawling uglies, but now some emo was prancing around ripping off her look? This completed her transition from extremely annoyed to totally pissed.

It turned around, revealing a glowing blue visor almost identical to her own. For a second it seemed as if the black-armoured copy had no voice, but words soon emerged.

"What did you say, bitch?"

Oh, great, she had her personality as well.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Trying to get a Phazon fix, what do you care?"

"I don't care about that, what are you doing strutting about in my outfit?" The dark figure looked down at herself.

"I don't see your name on it. And even if it was, mine would be on it too."

"The fuck does that mean?"

"The name's Dark Samus. That means I'm you, but cooler and better. Look it up."

"Like hell it does! Where did you come from?"

"Well, some stupid bitch left their genetic material and a power suit lying around next to Metroid Prime back on Tallon IV, and now here I am! So I'm pretty entitled to be wearing it, If I do say so myself. So fuck off and let me finish grabbing all the Phazon here, or I'll kill you."

"Screw you. So I didn't finish off Metroid Prime, eh? Better fix that. Get ready to die."

"I don't think so." Dark Samus chimed. She raised her own arm cannon and fired a single shot, not at the Hunter herself, but at a curious crystal on the tip of a stick, providing the room's main light source, and oddly seeming to repel the smoky gloom pervading the rest of the room. The shot shattered the crystal, and the light disappeared, letting the miasma rush in towards Samus.

Instantly, her shield meter dropped like a rock. Caught unprepared, her life support system went into emergency lockdown, and she felt herself begin to lose consciousness. The last thing she heard before she hit the dust, through the screeching of the necrotic creatures now surrounding her prone form, was the voice of her from-then-on nemesis mocking her.

"Night-night, sleep tight, bitch."


Stomping into the reactor core of the downed Space Pirate ship, Samus was filled with a strange sense of elation at the sight of her doppelgänger. Finally something she could have some fun by torturing. Space Pirates died too quickly to get to the real fun stuff, and anyone wearing a Power Suit was tanks enough to take a hefty beating before dying a slow, horrible death at the hands of their conquerer. Sadism was a great way to relieve stress, especially now, since she had discovered that this was indeed a planet that needed saving from a horrific parasite, and the one remaining Guardian was too much of a lazy-ass to go and do it himself.

Dark Samus was, as to be expected, absorbing Phazon, seemingly through the walls of the Reactor's fuel cells. Samus called out to her.

"Well, if it isn't the Phazon junkie. Long time no see." The copycat turned, managing impressively to look exasperated through an opaque visor.

"Really, the Ing didn't eat you? I swear, fucking idiots, the lot of them. How the hell did they manage to conquer most of Aether when they aren't even smart enough to open doors?"

"Don't ask me. Try asking Satan, though, when you see him." She raised her cannon. Dark Samus laughed, a deep and booming laugh that rumbled through the room.

"Really? In case you're too dumb to notice, I nicked all your shit, gave it to the Ing, and took copies. You can't kill me, pipsqueak."

"Any old Federation recruit could kill a poser like you. And the fuck was up with that laugh? You auditioning for the next Bond movie or what?"

"Shut up! I'm better than you, simple as. And I'll prove it." Dark Samus too raised her cannon.

"Bring it on, dark bitch, I'm ready."

"Big talk for someone with only one missile expansion..."

"Fuck off!"


Having disintegrated Dark Samus in the previous battle, with the pleasant side effect of it feeling damn good on the side, it came as a shock to Samus that, as she made her way to the elevator to the Fortress Aerie in search of the Luminoth scanning device stored there, once again Dark Samus presented herself, and if scans were to be believed, (which they always were) she was more hopped up on Phazon than ever before.

"The fuck? I killed you! You exploded!" She exclaimed.

"Just a flesh wound, asshole." The doppelgänger replied. "But it did hurt like hell. So I'm here to return the favour."

"Like hell you are. I'm just going to end up killing you again. Just get the hell out of here, get a new look, and I won't have to blow you up again, more thoroughly this time." The copy groaned.

"You think I want to look like you?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means I'm stuck in this suit with the fucking ridiculous shoulders, being accused of being a copy by an ugly-ass bounty hunter who won't leave me the fuck alone!" Samus fumed at that.

"Hey, you tried to kill me first!"

"And you tried to kill me back. We're even. But I'm sure as hell not settling for that."

"Me neither. I couldn't sleep at night knowing I left your hideous mug alive."

"Oh, it is on..."


Again, they fought. This time, rapidly destabilising, Dark Samus threw herself off the elevator to save herself total destruction. Samus had better things to do at that point, and so left her for dead, thinking she might be crushed in the mechanisms at the bottom of the shaft, or even hit the ground in some way the suit couldn't compensate for, and be mashed to a pulp on impact.

But no, she wasn't.

Once again, on the rapidly destabilising surface of Dark Aether, within the great Sky Temple, overlooked by a monstrous tower of Phazon, with but minutes until the very planet collapsed beneath them, the two met again. And even though they both knew they only had about seven minutes to escape, apparently they both thought that there was enough time to dedicate a few of those minutes to yet another slanging match.

Samus looked the copy up and down. The suit had turned entirely transparent, revealing the copy's glowing blue innards, throbbing with absorbed power. Not only that, but all the energy seemed to have gone to her... Head. The more luminescent of the two of them tottered and swayed on her feet, three red eyes swivelling madly. Samus spoke first, annoyance once again taking precedence.


"Yuuuup." Drawled the mutant.

"Well, you look crappier than ever."

"Screw yoooouuu, bitch... I don't even caaaare. High. As. Fuck!"

"And you thought it would be a good idea to strip naked?"

"Eh, why not?"

"You know, getting your tits out is only considered hot if they're NOT FUCKING FLAT AND BLUE."

"Better than looking like yoooouu..."

"Look, if you're going to stay here, stoned off your ass while the world crumbles, be my guest, but Ibe got places to be."

"Nah, wait... I... Am... Kill you. That's it. Gonna kill you this time."

"Hah. No way. What makes you think-" A massive eruption of Phazon energy from the blue being's cannon cut her off, sending her flying. Dark Samus cackled.

"Oh, yeah! This time I've got so much Phazon you probably can't even hurt me! And even if you can, I can't even feel it! This time, bitch! TIME TO DIE!"


But in the end, Dark Samus was just too high to shoot straight, despite her prodigiously erratic movements and ridiculous power. Samus fired one last Phazon-laden shot through her adversary's shield, and she fell to the ground.

No longer capable of coherent speech, all she could do now was rasp and wheeze as she clawed her way towards the battle's victor, reaching out with one hand towards her. The blue-tinted fingers almost brushed the cold metal, when:

"The hell are you doing now? Trying to cop a feel?"

Samus brought her free hand back, and lay a vicious, echoing, backhand slap across the dying Dark Samus' face, disintegrating her into a shower of glowing particles.

And with that, she left Dark Aether to the screams of the doomed Ing horde.

Not long after, she left Aether entirely, ready to check in the mission she'd originally come for, get paid, and bugger off somewhere else.

But as she did, a tiny blue cloud coalesced behind her ship, high above the atmosphere of Aether. Out of it emerged a black-armoured humanoid, floating in space. Dark Samus still wasn't dead.

The copy watched the gunship fly off with a smile. She knew what she was going to do next. Disintegrating had brought her right back down to the ground, mentally speaking, but that was easily fixed. Phazon was everywhere. What was definitely another of her priorities right now was getting back at Samus again. And if she couldn't do it by killing her... Well, she could always just piss her off again. That was good enough.