Title: From Miami, To Hell

Author: Stepf and Adina

Rating: G, unless you have issues with a dead Donner, didn't think so.

Disclaimers: I own so little of this fic its not even funny. Might as well be a name the shout out fic. The only characters I own are the lovable sheriff and his companions. All others are property of Zuicker and Co and various others, well except Megan now I guess..snigger.

Notes: Well, here's my first attempt at anything resembling humor. Miami just brings it out in me I guess. Let me know if it sucks and I should refrain from humor in the future. Hey, let me know if it doesn't too, encouragement is a fabulous thing folks. I played a little fast and loose with the ecology of this grand state, there are moose in MI, but they are all in the Upper Peninsula, none down here. Don't stress it; it's just funnier this way. Additionally, there is indeed a Hell, Michigan, and it does reside about 40 miles northwest of Ann Arbor. I've been there; it's actually rather pretty in the winter when the snow falls, other than that.eh. There is a "Damn Bar" and that's the name.seriously. Oh we so sounds like freaks now.

Rest assured there IS G/S in here, at the end, I promise.

Thanks: To the fabulous Adina, who not only proofed this, and was my sounding board when trying to work out the logistics of moose and. oh never mind, you'll find out, but added some rather wicked funny lines to it. You rock girl, hard. I don't think I have laughed that hard on IM in a long time.

She looks down at the sheet of paper and has to bite her tongue to keep from screaming at the messenger. Stalking off in her three inch heels, Megan Donner quickly finds the person she needs in his office. He's talking to that blonde again, the one who keeps whipping her hair around, contaminating crime scenes. Slamming the door behind her and throwing the paper on what was once her desk, Megan ignores the other female in the room and starts yelling at Horatio Caine.

"What did you DO?"

"Excuse me?" he answers in his typical monotone voice.

"I know we never really got along. Despite the fact some people wanted us to get together, and some didn't."

With that Megan finally casts a glance at the woman grinning in the corner. "But we knew it wasn't going to work, people cringed." Again she pauses and tries to look at Horatio, who is doing his best to avoid eye contact. "At the thought of us together, but." Pauseing for effect. ".you must have done something to my transfer."

Horatio stands up and put his hands in his pockets, staring at the light fixture on the ceiling, as if he were carrying on a conversation with it, and not the woman. "What's wrong with your transfer Megan?"

"When I asked for a position in the federal system, I was promised a spot in Florida." Another pause. "What do I get? Hell!"

"I'm sorry, what?" Calliegh's sickly sweet voice asks.

"Hell, Michigan. I thought someone was playing a joke on me until I called the local office. There IS a Hell and I am going there!."

"Sorry to hear it Megan, have a nice flight. Be sure to take your long sleeves, I hear it's cold in Michigan this time of year." With that he gives her a smile and hands back the paperwork, trying to not look at Calleigh, who has a smile the size of Texas on her face.

"What?" Pause. "You aren't." Pause. "Going to help me?"

"No. No I'm not. So Calleigh, how is the DNA going on the Marshall case?"

"But.Horatio. I thought you wanted me?" Megan whines.

"DNA is due back anytime now. Soon as it comes in you'll be the first to know, handsome." Calleigh takes a step closer to Horatio and winks at him, her eye sticking shut from the mascara on it.

"Horatio, I." Pause. "Don't want to go to Michigan." Megan bats her eyes, sticks out her recently purchased Miracle Bra and moves toward him, standing next to Calleigh.

Horation ignores her movements, looks at Calleigh and continues their conversation.

Finally Megan turns and leaves the office, a smiling Calleigh and Horatio in her wake. Horatio slides a little closer to Calleigh and leans into her.

"Good girl. I'm awful glad you knew that guy with the Feds."

"Me too, I cashed in my last favor with him." She smiles conspiratorially at him. (move paragraph below up here) "A friend of mine went to U of M. Hell is about 40 minutes north. I ran with it. She needed to go. God, I swear I was going to smack her every time she opened her fool mouth."

"Well, lets get back to work here in Miami Dade. I need to do my act of God bit with Alexx and you need to go lead Speed on."

UST or no, if Horatio said 'Miami-Dade' one more time she was going to send him to Hell. But, with a "Yes sir,.", Calleigh gives him a mock salute and leaves.

-Two Days Later...Detroit Metro Airport-

Megan takes in her surroundings and sighs loudly. The flight had been fine, but upon landing she curses Horatio Caine up and down. It's cold here, the temperature gauge near the terminal reads 55, she needs to get a heavy coat, fifty five is just frigid and she thinks she looks terrible in heavy clothing. 'Guess all those low cut tops and the pirate pants are out, what a shame, I loved those pants,' she thinks and looks around, Looking around finally spotting the she finds the person person she is looking forneeds.

"Megan Donner?" he asks, politely extending a hand.

"Yes." Pause. "That's me."

"Welcome to Michigan ma'am. I'm Lucious Harwell, the sheriff from Hell. I'll be escorting you for a few days."

"Thank you Sheriff."

-One hour later-

"Boys, this is Ms. Megan Donner. She's our new FBI agent. Megan this is Johnny and BillyCarl."

"I'm..." Pause. "Not an agent."

Johnny eyes her warily and speaks to Lucious. "This one gonna be better than the last?"

Lucious snorts,"God I hope so. If she hadn't gotten in that car 'accident' I would have killed her myself- spouting off about aliens and the FBI and some Mulder character."

"I'm sorry." Pause. "The last one?"

"Oh yeah. We had an agent from DC, Monica Reyes. She.didn't work out so good." Billy Carl responds and waggles his eyebrows.

"How do you mean 'didn't work out so good?'" Megan looks around nervously.

"Why don't we get you settled in?" Lucious suggests, deftly avoiding the question. "Your Miami division was kind enough to set you up with a house in town."

"Ok.thank you."


"Ok, that about covers it. See you in a week."

"What? It's." Pause. ".Friday, shouldn't I see you Monday?"

"They didn't tell you? No wonder you came up so early."

"Tell me." Pause. "What?"

"Well, we don't work next week. Deer hunting season starts."

"Huh? Who works the crimes?"

"We don't get crimes this week, all the criminals are deer huntin'. Enjoy and see you a week from Monday."

"Wait!" she screams out the front door. "I could have still bebeen in Miami?"

"Welcome to Hell ma'am!" He shouts back over what is now a practical blizzard of snow and ice. "And you might want to rethink those heels, get yourself some Timberlands."

"Timber what?" She yells and pulls back as the whipping wind snaps the door shut in her face.

-One Week Later-

"I cant.." Pause. "Believe this place! It was." Pause. "Fifty five degrees here yesterday. Now its." Pause. "Twenty with a wind chill of ten." Pause. "What the hell is a wind chill anyway?"

Lucious nods, "You know what they say about Michigan weather. 'Don't like it? Wait fifteen minutes, it'll change.'"

"No..I didnt.." Pause. "And this dry air." Pause. "Is horrific for my skin."

Billy Carl leans into Lucious and whispers under her complaining. "She HAS to go. She's worse than that Monica girl."

Another LONG week later

"Oh my god, I'm."Pause. "Starting to look like Horatio. Where is." Pause. "the sun? I haven't seen it for three days."

"Happens around here ma'am.."

"And the." Pause. "Static cling. My hair looks worse here than in Miami in the." Pause. "Humidity. And don't even get me going on the shopping." Pause. "Is the turtleneck the only style you know? I can't find a sufficiently cleavage bearing shirt in this place!" Megan continues to mumble as she leaves the room, Johnny and Billy Carl watching her go.


"Oh yeah."

Two Weeks Later

"You sure this will work Lucious?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. Trust me, nobody will miss her."

"Ok, here she comes."

"Megan! We have a hot case. Moose hunter."

"Moose." Pause. "Hunter?"

"Yeah, can't do that round these parts, its illegal like."

Megan nods and follows them out to a moose deer blind set up out in the woods. "Excuse me? What is this?"

"It's a deer blind. You mean to tell me you have been here almost three weeks and you haven't seen one? Some investigator you are, no wonder you got fired." Johnny asks the annoyance evident in his voice.

Megan looks at him tersely,. "I didn't get fired, it was." Pause. "a mutual decision for both parties."

"Uh huh, you got canned." Johnny shakes his head and waves her into the small shack. "In answer to your question, this is a deer blind. Hunters use them to hide from deer, hence the name. They can sit unnoticed until a deer comes along and BLAM venison dinner. If you noticed, its painted camouflage outside, deer have bad visual acuity, looks like part of the woods to them. Got it now?" .(can you explain what this is? I haven't the faintest idea. I keep envisioning a blind moose.)

Megan sighs loudly. "Yes."Sso what are we looking for?" She asks and looks out out one of the uncovered windowsthe small plexiglas window.

"Rogue hunter." (ARGH! We have a plot hole! He tells Megan they're going after a moose hunter, but sends her off after a moose! Help!)

"Rogue.." Pause. "Hunter?"

"You have a speaking problem, or is that a southern thing?" Billy finally asks..

"Is what a.." Pause. "Southern thing?"

"That! The way you pause all the time, itsit's really damn annoying."

"I didn't.."

"Shush... we got a live one. Megan get down out there and distract it."

"I don't understand, aren't we looking for a rouge hunter, not a moose, and DAMN that's a big moose."

"Look, where the moose is, I'm sure the hunter isn't far behind, and with a behemoth like that, he's around here somewhere. Aren't you people supposed to know everything?"

"I'm from Miami, not Vegas."

"I see, get cracking." Lucious nudges her toward the door while the others try not to laugh.

"But I just bought these shoes! Leather, three inch stiletto heels, beautiful. Got them in a store in downtown Miami.."


"Ok ok, what do I do?" She asks as her feet hit the snow.

"Walk over in front of it and just stand still. As long as you don't move he won't bother you," Lucious says and snickers at his companions. "If possible, this one is more gullible than the Reyes girl." Turning his attention back he hollers down out at her. "Ok Megan, right there ought to do it."

"This thing smells like wet.something nasty. Damn." She mutters and looks at the animal who is a mere 5 feet in front of her. It has to be 8 or 9 feet tall and weigh near 900 lbs. "Uhhhh guys." Pause. "You sure.." Suddenly a gunshot rings out, the moose startles and Megan is caught in the middle. Turning to run, she trips on her brand new three inch heels and hits the ground with a thud, the moose trampling her in its haste to escape.

"Ohhhhh, that was a good one." Billy Carl high fives Johnny, throws some popcorn in his mouth and laughs.

"Done in by her own heels. A horrible, horrible tragedy." Lucious says, and pulls out his cell phone.


In the hotel room a phone rings. Gil Grissom rolls over and picks it up, missing the warmth of the person next to him immediately.

"Yeah..No kidding, wow. Yeah we can head up there;, the conference was over anyway. Yeah Cath, I'll let you know." Putting the phone down he rolls over to Sara and wakes her.

"Mmmm.who was that?" She asks into the pillow.

"Cath. You remember Megan Donner from Miami? She was on leave when Cath went down?"

"Yeah, didn't like her."

"How.You didn't even know her!"

"Everyone hated her Gris, watch the news, will you? That's why she's gone."

"Well apparently there was an accident last night. Horatio asked if we could look into it since we're here."

"But Grissom, after last night.."

"After last night you should have known we were going to Hell."

"Geez, Grissom," Sara replied. " Cat told me about it. "We're consenting adults. Besides, I thought you liked it.." ."

Grissom frowned, then blushed slightly, "No, not ithat/i. Megan Donner was killed last night in Hell, Michigan. We're going to Hell to investigate.""

"Fine, but you owe me, I'm sure no one cares if she's gone or not." She responds as he turns on the local news while she quickly gets dressed. The announcersannouncer's voice fills the room.

'.Joey Harrington threw five touchdowns and no interceptions today in the win over the JetsFalcons. Restoring our faith that he is the QB of the future for this team.'

Sara stops and looks at the TV, scrunching her nose. "Harrington? Why is that name so familiar?"

Grissom shrugs and ushers her out the door.


Jumping in their rented Tahoe, Grissom starts it and is surprised when impossibly loud lyrics come blaring out the speakers.

"Hi! My name is.. (what?) My name is.. (who?)

My name is.. [scratches] Slim Shady

Hi! My name is.. (huh?) My name is.. (what?)

My name is.. [scratches] Slim Shady"

"What the hell is that?" Sara asksed, horrified.

" I don't know, must have switched the station when we went out for dinner last night. Lets get cracking, I want to solve the Mr. Fuzzy incident and go home."

"Mr. Fuzzy? But that's what I call your-"

"NO, not that,." Grissom interjects quickly. "Mr. Fuzzy is what the sheriff's office said the moose is named."

"They name moose?"

Grissom merely shrugs in response.

Thirty minutes later Grissom and Sara pull onto an infrequently used logging trail, coming to a stop behind another truck.

The bumper sticker catches Sara's eye, 'Hunters do it in the woods.'

"Nice." Sara comments and catches up with Grissom, who is already talking to the local sheriff.

"What do we have Gris?"

"Well apparently they were investigating a rogue moose hunter."

"What's a rogue moose?" She says with a toothy grin.

Grissom raises an eyebrow and continues. "Apparently the moose was going for her, the officers shot at it to stop it, Megan turned, tripped over her own shoes."

"No kidding, look at those heels, what idiot wears those to a crime scene? She deserved it."

"Sara! Regardless if she did deserve it, it's still a scene. Anyway, as I was saying, she tripped over her shoes and hit the ground, at which point the moose trampled her. It was an accident.

"Yeah, a tragic moose accident. What ARE the odds," she musesd.

"Grissom, I don't think we're in Las Vegas anymore."

"No, we're in Hell."

After a cursory glance at the crime scene Grissom announces, "Yup, she's dead as can be. Let's get out of here Sara." (badump bump) The End. (

"But shouldn't we take pictures, investigate?" She looks at him confused.

"Tragic moose trampling incident. I'm sure it happens enough around here." At the nod from the sheriff from Hell Grissom shrugs and helps up Sara, who had been crouching by the body.


"Come on Sara, nothing to investigate. She's not on this earth anymore. Not that she ever really was to start."

"All right." She gets into the Tahoe and Grissom turns over the engine, a new song coming through the speakers.

'Well, who are you? (Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)

I really wanna know (Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)

Tell me, who are you? (Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)

'Cause I really wanna know (Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)'

"Now THAT'S what I'm talking about." He grins and turns up the radio, drowning out the sounds of sirens from the scene.