The Reason Why I'm Socially Awkward Is Because You're a Moron 私はエモだ
The Blaze DeGato Series
Here we are with our Lord and Saviour, Blaze DeGato. You may be thinking, 'What is she doing right now that warrants my attention?'
Go grow a pair. Of Chao. That's right. Chao. The cute and comical artificial life forms commonly seen in the Sonic games. Let's just forget you read that and pretend that you're reading this story. Because you are. /obvious fact.
Blaze DeGato winds her arms, stretching and stretching more. Her mind races as she tests her knowledge of this game. This is gonna be beast. This is gonna. Be. Beast. The bleep is going down soon. There's no way she can lose. No way. Blaze has been getting ready for this day for minutes. It was the day of the NCO at the Sega After Expo. Winner gets a hundred thousand golden rings and an authentic golden Chao egg. But to understand why this normal pyro-cat wants to enter a Chao tournament, we must rewind...
"If only I could find my purpose in life. What is it that I'm meant to do?" Blaze was sitting on a step outside of another hotel, thinking about what to do as grey nothings passed her by. "I know! Baseball! No...I'd hit myself more than the ball. Track? Not a good option. At all... Gymnastics? Hmm...no way. I'm more of a 'gymnasty' that a gymnast." Blaze keeps contemplating on what to do. Finally, it comes to her...
"Check out the rack on this tool!" some hipster giggles from afar. Blaze hears his words and they give her the reason to live.
"It's my light in the dark...My saviour in hopelessness...My messiah from despair... I am to become the world's greatest chaofighter!" Blaze stands up and holds her fist to the sky. How the living hell Blaze got that from...
"Who are you?" asks some random-ass passing mook biscuit, just so fascinated with this damn cat with schizotypal personality disorder.
Shhwwwaaaa! A conveniently flashy commercial conveniently flashes at this very moment quite conveniently. You don't know what NCO means? It's NeoChao Oylmpiad, you moron.
"Are YOU tired of your bland ol' normal Chao? Is it boring you straight down to your grave? Fret not, denizen of our planet. Cutting edge bioscience has unleashed the forces of evolution among, transforming once dull and listless Chao into the Neo-Chao of tomorrow! Unlike the classic Chao, Neo Chao are still cute and comical, and still come in an endless variety of colours, but they are better than the old Chao. Neo Chao now possess some familiar powers- and everybody wants Neo Chao over classic Chao! But don't take my word for it- listen to these valued cust—" Switch.
"Hey, I was watching that!" The shop owner chases Blaze away with a broom.
Blaze, in fact, has her own Neo Chao. Meet Phoenix.
"Ahhhhh!" Blaze crashes through several dozen panes of glass at the sheer sight of a spark flashing in front of her face.
"Look at the pwetty wittle princess!" some bully mocks.
"Don't call me that, princesses suck! Looking all pampered and cute n' stuff, living in oversized castles..." is what the wannabe Marxist Blaze would have said had she not been being abused by her neo-Chao, for her Chao is sadistic with fire. "Phoenix, please stop!"
Phoenix likes to burn things.
Blaze is scared of fire.
Blaze is a burnable thing.
Phoenix likes to burn this burnable thing!
The fat, meaty fist of the bully blasts into her face. That is why you saw Blaze with a blackened eye earlier. Phoenix jumps onto her chest and summons down bolts of fire at her master. All we hear now is endless screaming. That is why Blaze was so sooty earlier.
Because this Blaze may have wildly miswired neurons, synapses, she somehow takes her own immolation as life-changing inspiration.
"I know! I'll enter the ChaoBattle Olympiad! That's the only way! But...I don't know how to Chaofight. Oh well, I guess I'll have to practice." Again, how the living hell she put seven and ninety-pie together and got four, I will assume I should not ask.
Receiving medical attention for her mortal burn wounds obviously out of the question, Blaze realized that if she wanted a chance of winning, she had to practice. Not that Phoenix was bad- Phoenix very well could be the new Kyrinnawstaw- but Blaze has such ugly-ass poor knowledge of the art at large, there is no guarantee she even knows what the hell what a 'ChaoBattle' is. Nor does she know Phoenix has stats. Or what stats are.
Down the street, she enters her disgustingly urban middle-class home and grabs Phoenix, who has resting in a fire-bed for hours. That's right. A fire-bed. A bed. Of fire. And of course, Blaze was all hesitant to pick up Phoenix. What with the pyrokinetic's pyrophobia and all. Insert cute smiley if you will, reader.
All Phoenix can do is—
"Chao... chao!" in annoyance of being woken up by someone who's too scared to even look at fire. Phoenix flashes a fireball at Blaze, who was permanently attached to the ceiling nanoseconds before.
"Bad Phoenix! Bad girl!" Phoenix looks up at Blaze with a mad look. With... 'with a mad look?' Is that the best we could do? Man, we've been getting cheap. So cheap.
Standing erect and eyes more slanted than Mount Everest's slope, she charges for Blaze with the cutest little flames! Blaze jumps through the window, gettin' cut by the radical glass on her way down, a two story fall. Before liquefying her bones on the pavement, she already sustained life-threatening wounds.
Why you have not questioned how Phoenix went from abusing Blaze to having spent hours sleeping in a bed of fire, all in the same course of five minutes, is a testament to your withered attention span and queer eye for lack-a-do attempts at decent prose, interest...
After a few more painful attempts at getting Phoenix, Blaze succeeds overwhelmingly by offering her a fried chicken leg.
"Did somebody say fried chicken?" Out of nowhere, Sonic walks into a crossing with his own rabbit styled Chao, Lucky. Unexpectedly unnerving.
"Hey, you, the hedgehog! Wanna chaofight?" Blaze asks with a strong smile.
"Sorry, I need fried chicken! You know, fried chicken? I'm going to pick up some now." Sonic looks off into the baseball field behind them. "You know, you probably don't care, but fried chicken is like mah favourite food ever. Then I'm heading for the After Expo to chaofight like mad!"
"Oh, that's too bad. I was just going to practice. Oh well. See you later." Blaze begins to walk away. Sonic stumbles a bit.
"Hold up! Maybe we can play...a little." He speaks these fake words with false inattention, as if pretending to not care. His eyes and crossed fingers suggest hardcores pride and schadenfreudistic demand to crush our feline friend, to wipe her across a parking lot and kick her right to the sky and back to the ground again.
"But didn't you want your precious fried chicken?"
"Ah, that can wait." Just look at his pedo grin. "Game on?"
She's noted that pedo grin. "Uh... G-game...on?" Blaze, remember, does not know a damn-ass thing about chaofighting. Sonic throws Lucky down, and the neo-Chao lands on his feet. Lucky then takes this moment to punch Sonic in the gut and pull from him a plasma electric guitar. Blaze lets Phoenix down as if setting a fragile glass puppy to a fluffy pillow. Nobody watching (that is, zero people) could stay on their feet. This tool right here, what the hell is she doing?
"That's the worst throw-down I've ever seen, girl!" Sonic and his Neo Chao high five with pride.
Blaze is not pleased with this mockery, and, as she's chased around a tree and city block by Phoenix, cries, "Hey, this is my first time!"
"Ever?!" Sonic's mouth nearly falls off his muzzle.
"Yeah! And I'm going to win!" Oh, the suspense!
And oh, how Sonic scoffs. "How can you win if you don't even know how to play?"
"Uh... By luck?" Blaze thinks of some way to use Phoenix. "Phoenix! F-fire attack!" Phoenix, with possibly the most utterly bored look in the history of modern media, a boredom never to be equaled, falls to the side, sitting down. Completely. Un. Interested. "Phoenix? Listen to me! I am your master! Your creator! Your mother!" Phoenix, still lopsided sideways, blows fire at Blaze in a huge fireball. Blaze shrieks in total terror and runs away. She trips over a trash can, spilling garbage into the street. While this was happening, Sonic and Lucky looked on in awe. A hipster-clad passer-by kicks her face.
"Wow, that's ... sad," remarks Sonic. "Well, I've gotta get me some fried chicken!" An anthro chicken just happens to walk by!
"Great idea, brohan. I need some fried chicken too!" And the chicken runs off, following Sonic. Last I heard, they became best friends.
Anyway, Blaze was all unconscious and whatnot when Phoenix groggily walks by and sits on her back. Blaze wasn't waking up. Some dude stops and kicks Blaze for ruining his super-new super-expensive business suit. Still doesn't wake up. Phoenix yawns, then, in the cutest possible way, burps a small ember. Blaze hits a brick wall at super sonic speeds, her heart nearly out of her chest. Then she realizes what happened and folds her arms in disdain.
"Well that was a nice one." Blaze thinks to herself - ('ChaoBattle, your world is a mysterious one.') Then someone scares Blaze by saying "Hi!" to her from behind with no warning. "Oh, hi! Hey, do you want to chaofight with me?"
"Me? Oh, no. I don't really play. I don't even know how to," replies Amy. "Besides, I'm not really supposed to play with strangers."
"Oh. Well that's too bad."
"But, I do have a Neo-Chao, and his stats are pretty good..."
('Stats? What's she talking about?')
"Great! Then can we chaofight now?"
"Sure! If I win, do I get a ring?"
"Rings? You know? Those things that help your Neo Chao level up, become stronger, and stuff?"
"Uh...O-kay?" Blaze wasn't even sure she had any of these 'rings'. ('This girl sounds loony... Then again, she does seem to know more about ChaoBattle than I do.')
"OK, Game On!" shouts Amy.
"Y-yeah, Game On!" replies Blaze. Amy pulls out Mrs. J, her highly feminine...male...Neo-Chao. Mrs. J rubs his hand across Amy's face, and from this rub great streaks of flowers fly out from hammerspace. All these flowers circle around Mrs. J, and he uses this garish new aura to ascend to the next level: he gains high heels! Blaze tries to throw down Phoenix, but realizes something...
"H-hey! Where did Phoenix go?!" She frantically smashes every atom near her looking for the traitor. And the villain is nowhere to be seen, leaving this one high and dry.
"Did your Chao abandon you? Too bad. I guess I win." This gives Amy the chance to do her victorious pose, an extreme stance, one where she gives Blaze a thumb up with a wink.
"Ahg! 2 losses in one day thanks to that fool... And both within seconds!"
Amy strokes her apricot chin. No, literally, she's stroking that apricot like it's some sort of special worker's object. "Hmm... Maybe I should sign up for the Neo Chao Olympiad! Who knows. Maybe I'll actually win!" Then she takes a bite.
"No!" she cries as she tugs the hair off of her head.
"Bye, whoever you are!" finishes Amy with a wink, spitting some fruity bits into Blaze's face. She and her Neo Chao skip off. Blaze sulks. It is a legendary sulk whose sheer mulling sulkness has never before been seen.
"Perhaps I should be a little more withdrawn rather than taking on any person on the street..." Is this character development? "Nah, being withdrawn is for full-of-fail losers." No. It is bad writing being handwaved by being called out as bad writing.
'I've got to find Phoenix, escape from her again, and actually try to win for once!' And in the blink of an eye, a fireball shoots for Blaze, who ducks and screams like a little girl. People from everyone stop and stare at the psycho cat. Phoenix also stops and stares in what may be chao pity. Yeah, Blaze is a little more than 'pathetic' in this dimension. Did we say she's so scared of fire, she doesn't even know if she's a pyrokinetic anymore?
"Oh...P-P..Phoenix! Hahaha...Er...Um...Sorry, everybody! Just a little scare!" Blaze begins to walk off with Phoenix when she stops for a second and backs up.
"Oh, wait! Any one want to chaofight? Anyone?" Everyone stares at her. Some one "coughs", but for some reason, the cough sounds like "Fail."
Elsewhere, within a city district painted only with primary colours, Blaze and Phoenix make a highly possibly short lived pact.
"Phoenix! Please! Just try to help me win for once! Please! I'll do anything!" Blaze gets kicked in the face, but Phoenix says in the best way a chao can that she agrees.
"CHAO!" As Phoenix chirps, she demands that Blaze "flash da cash". So, in summary, Blaze is doomed.
And that cat has turned to smoke.
I will smash you with your left shoe if you don't review.