A/N: Sooo I said I'd have this done yesterday. But, you know, college, and then marching band at a college football game, ugh, sigh. But, I got it done and here it is! It's pretty short, and I couldn't figure out how to end it properly, but. *shrug*
Five Cars Alex and Yassen Totally Wrecked, and One They Didn't
"Wow, you're an asshole," Alex laughed as he saw the car Yassen had brought to pick him up in from the Gotham airport. "I'd say I can't believe you stole Tim's car, but what I really can't believe is that you stole Tim's car that Tim stole from Dick. You con."
"Tim gets his makeup all over the sinks and counters in my safehouses and Dick knows what he did. They had it coming," Yassen scoffed.
Alex laughed and hopped in, patting the car's side affectionately. "It's such a pretty car," he told Yassen, when Yassen slid in the driver's seat. "It would be a shame if something were to… happen to it."
Yassen side-glanced at Alex, who was watching Yassen with a devious little smirk on his face.
Yassen raised an eyebrow and smirked back. "And you called me an asshole."
"Alex, no," Ben said, dread-filled voice tinny in Alex's earpiece.
"Alex, yes," Alex said, foot firmly on the gas pedal and not letting up.
"Alex if you scratch that car Crawley is going to kill me," Ben definitely did not whine. "MI6 literally just got that car last week."
"Then why are they letting me drive it?" Alex asked rhetorically, making a smooth curve on the forest highway.
"Really," Yassen muttered beside him, "they should have." He was looking a touch green.
Ben groaned. "Tell me you're not going to go off the cliff. Please tell me you're not going to go off the cliff."
Yassen glanced at Alex. "You're going to go off the cliff," he said.
Alex grinned wildly. "I'm going to go off the cliff," he agreed, nodding.
"He's going off the cliff," Yassen said, resigning himself to the fate. "I don't have an escape plan for this situation. We're going to die. Ben, take care of the cats. I leave my small fortune of blood money to the first person Olivia puts paws on!"
"Don't you dare," Reed said threateningly. "Don't you fucking dare. I will - I don't know what I will, but you're not gonna like it."
Alex actually slowed down the car for a second. "We're both untouchable," he informed Reed over the speaker on Yassen's phone. "MI6 would just send me on another job, and if they do anything to Yassen, I quit. He's in my contract. Reed, I'm doing you a favor here. This car is the actual, real-life color of a bruised lemon. It needs to go."
"You're buying me a new one," Reed groaned.
"A better one."
"Yes. A better one."
"Because you know this mission alone will pay for it."
"What?! What do they pay you?" Ben demanded in the background.
Alex laughed. "They don't," he said. "But I make demands, and if my demands are not met I quit, and the world ends, and MI6 looks worse than this car will when I'm done with it."
"Let's put this car out of it's misery," Yassen said. "Sugarbuttons, slam it."
"You got it, Honey Love."
Alex slammed it.
"How are you not dead?" Blunt demanded as Alex commandeered his rental car outside a hotel in Paris. "And what are you doing here? There were strict orders when I left that you were not to be allowed to do things like this again!"
"Not dying is my superpower," Alex informed him. "Not staying dead is my - fuck - dammit - my boyfriend's. Get in the car. We've got mad scientist labs to crash."
Blunt sighed and got in the car. "Retirement was supposed to be quiet," he lamented to Alex as Alex pulled away from the hotel.
"You want a quiet retirement, you should've made sure there were more than two people with the information I need," Alex said. "Get my phone out of my bag and call my partner, would you? Speed dial 1, you can access it without unlocking the phone.
The phone rang once, then, "Sugarbuttons?"
Blunt's face took on a pained look.
"Hey, Honey Love, is 'jumping out of the car as it hurtles down a road outside a mountaintop evil lair and watching as it plunges into a snowy ravine' a new record for the doomed cars list, or should I try something with more explosions?"
Blunt glanced at Alex and shook his head."
"No, that's new. Take video for me?"
"You're weird," Dick told Alex and Yassen as they meandered around the parking lot, squished into a tiny clown car.
"You are from the actual circus," Alex replied snarkily. "You have zero room to talk about weird."
"I was an acrobat! With grace! And elegance! And coordination!" Dick protested.
Alex shook his head. "You wore hot pants, and pixie boots, and glitter, and you weren't even in drag. Also, you were what, six?"
"I was twelve! And don't wreck the clown car!"
Yassen continued on his path, directly into a tree, feeling very calm and zen.
"So theraputic," he sighed, Alex's skull digging uncomfortably into his shoulder.
"That's two cars of mine you've destroyed," Dick groaned. "Why do you hate me."
"Mostly because you're an asshole for faking your death," Alex said on Yassen's behalf. "It's rude, for one thing, and it's very insensitive to those of us who've actually died."
"You never died," Dick pointed out.
"Ah, but I did shoot myself in the face," Alex said. "I've been informed it counts."
Dick looked to Yassen.
"It counts," Yassen confirmed.
"Probably not the best getaway car we could have stolen," Alex said contemplatively. "The cans hanging from the boot and the giant screaming 'JUST MARRIED' sign are a little conspicuous."
Yassen rolled his eyes and twisted around quickly to check behind them before he pulled the car out of its parking spot and away from the car park. "Anything was better than staying at that ceremony," he responded. "Reed and Susan were far too disgustingly sweet together and they weren't even the ones getting married!"
"Point. So, where are we headed?"
Yassen sighed. "Check my phone."
Alex reached over, pulled the phone out of Yassen's pocket, and typed in his code. "Dammit," he said when he saw the message. "Well, at least disarming bombs at the North Pole is probably going to be more fun than watching Reed and Susan make weird faces at each other."
"Neo-Nazis and all," Yassen said. "After this we should take a vacation."
"Bahamas? Sun, sand, and waves?"
"Anywhere you like. Just as long as if I have to save your ass, it's your fault and not that of the greater forces pulling the strings. Here we are, the Culinary Institute of America, also known as the CIA."
As they walked to the doors that would see them off on another adventure, Alex looked back mournfully at the car. "We didn't wreck it," he said sadly.
Yassen glanced back at it. "We did steal it, though," he said. "Ben's cousin and his new wife will have to find a different car to leave the wedding in."
"I feel kind of bad. Do you think Joe would send someone to take it back?"
Yassen shrugged and held the door open for Alex. "Probably."
"I'll ask him to do it when we get in there," Alex decided. He walked up to the front office desk. "I'm Alex Rider, I got a summons from a Mr. Joe Byrne?"
The lady sitting at the desk clicked a few buttons on her computer and nodded. "He's expecting you," she said. "Down the hallway, take the elevator down and he's in the first door to your left. I've let him know you're here, so you can go right in."
"Thank you," Alex said.
He and Yassen followed her directions to the local office, where Joe Byrne was meeting Alex. Normally he would've had the local branch head send Alex off, but apparently he'd been in town for meetings anyway, and he was begging off of one so he could talk to Alex, which was far more pleasant than arguing with the FBI, NSA, and any number of other security/intelligence/defense organizations.
"Alex!" Joe said when Alex and Yassen walked into the room. "Always good to see you. And Mr. Gregorovich, thank you for accompanying him."
"You called," Alex said.
"Yes. I assume Mr. Gregorovich showed you-"
"Before we start talking business," Alex interrupted, "we stole a honeymoon getaway car. Is there anyone you could spare to send it back?"
Byrne's face took on a slight smirk. "Walker is always getting in my hair," he said. He pushed a button on the desk. "June, could you send Walker down here? I've got something of vital importance for him. It concerns Operation WIT, so we need him to get it done as quickly as possible."
June snickered. "Right away, sir."
"Operation WIT?" Alex asked.
"Operation Walker's Intelligence Training. Because goodness knows he needs it."
A/N: Something someone mentioned was expanding on some of the scenes from these, and I kind of liked that idea, so that's probably something I'm going to start working on a bit. It'll hopefully help me get more organized, so that the main 5 and 1 things are more cohesive.