Title: Hope (1/1)
Author: Jessica
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where
Spoilers: Season 1
Rating: PG
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se
Pairing: Luke/Lorelai.
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.
Summary: Rachel has just left Stars Hollow and Lorelai goes to
Luke to comfort him.
AUTHORS NOTE: English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistakes may occur.
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She is gone.
I have been here so many times before that you think I would
know the drill by now.
But I don't.
It hurts every time.
I kept hoping it would last this time around.
That she would stay.
I let her into my life.
Into my heart.
I let myself love her.
But she didn't stay.
I should have known.
I should have seen it coming.
Now I'm sitting here in the darkness of the diner.
Alone.
As I always have been.
The silence calms my beating heart.
I miss her already.
It hurts to breathe.
But I'm breathing.
I thought I was stronger.
That I had learned from my mistakes.
But she awoke a part of me that I have kept hidden from myself.
She has always been able to break down my defensives.
I don't know how she does it.
She comes into my life like a warm wind.
Sweeps in.
And I fall.
I crumble.
My walls are gone and I dream.
God, I let myself dream.
And for a brief moment that dream is real.
She is mine.
She will stay.
She loves me.
Happiness is in my grasp.
But it always shatters.
It's fragile like glass.
It breaks.
And I fall.
She comes up with a reason to leave.
Another city.
Another job.
I want to hold her back.
Beg her to stay.
But I can't.
I won't do that to her.
I always let her go.
And I pray that she will return and save this lonely heart of mine.
But this time, it's different.
I drove her away.
She claimed that I loved another.
Lorelai.
I feared her words.
They hit my like a thunderstorm and for a moment they rang as true.
For a brief moment we both knew the truth.
I admitted to myself what my heart already knew.
She could read it in my eyes.
She has always been able to read me like an open book.
And I love her for it.
I could see pain in her eyes, sorrow, as she moved towards the door.
Suitcase in one hand.
I wanted to hold her back.
Convince her that she was wrong.
Lie to her.
But I couldn't do that to her.
I couldn't hurt her in that way.
Now she is gone.
The silence of the diner is haunting.
Scares me.
Alone again.
For the first time I hate it.
A knock on the door wakes me up.
Another.
I want to ignore it.
I rise.
Every part of my body hurts.
I open.
She is standing outside my door.
Lorelai.
"What's wrong?"
She smiles.
"Nothing is wrong. Why should anything be wrong?"
I shrug.
"Nevermind."
"Can I come in?"
"I'm out of coffee."
She laughs.
"I'll live."
I let her in.
She brushes past me.
I close the door behind me.
She turns to me.
"I was walking passed and I saw you sitting here."
"What were you doing walking around here in the middle of the
night?"
"It's six in the evening, Luke."
"Oh.."
"I wanted to rent some movies.."
"Where is Rory?"
"At Lane."
"So you're all alone, tonight?"
"Yeah."
She smiles.
I sit down by a table.
"What do you want, Lorelai?"
"Can't I just see what's up with my friend?"
She punches me playfully on the arm and sits down opposite me.
"Nothing."
"Nothing, huh. So you sit often in the dark? Where's Rachel?"
"She has left."
"What do you mean left?"
"As gone, as left Stars Hollow."
"But..."
"So, now you know..Then you can go and tell everybody."
"Don't be silly..Why should I...?"
"Nevermind."
"What happened?"
"It's none of your business."
"Tell me."
"Why?"
"Because we are friends."
"What has that to do with everything?"
"Everything. Friends tells each other stuff."
"What stuff?"
"Like what has happened?"
"Leave it alone, Lorelai."
"No."
"Leave it."
"No."
I rise.
"She wanted to go."
"But you guys looked so happy."
"That's Rachel for you. She leaves..I told you all of this."
"But she came back and I thought..."
"Me too.."
"Luke, I want to help."
"Help with what? I'm just fine."
Our eyes meet and we both know that I'm lying.
"You're not fine."
"I'm feeling great!"
I laugh.
I smile.
But the smile never reaches my eyes.
"Then why are you sitting here in the dark?"
She rises.
"What do you want me to say? Do you want me to cry? BUHUU..She is
gone. I will live."
"I know you, Luke. I can see that..."
"You don't know me."
"Luke.."
"No, do you really know me? No, you don't know me. You come here
everyday, ordering coffee. We talk. You talk and I listen...But
you don't know me...You know nothing about me!"
"Luke..."
"NO! I'm so tired of this. Coming here acting like a saint. Trying
to make me talk. I do not talk! I don't want to talk. I'm so tired
of talking!"
"Maybe you are right. But that's because you don't tell me anything!"
"Do you know why I don't tell you anything? Do you really want to know?"
"Yes."
"Because you don't care."
I could see the pain that flashed in her eyes.
Then anger.
"How can you say that!? You are my friend."
"No, I'm not. I'm just someone that you call when you need something."
"Luke, no!"
"Don't lie!"
"I care about you."
"Not more than you "care" about Taylor, Kirk or someone else in this
crazy town."
"Don't say that. I have tried...I wanted to tell you.."
"Tell me what. I have done everything for you...and all I got was
thank you...But I'm so tired of that now. So you can have your
friendship!"
She moved towards me.
"Luke.."
"No, leave. I don't want you here!"
I moved towards the door and opened it.
I really wanted her gone.
Out of my life.
Out of my heart.
I'm so tired of walking around in circle.
Hoping that she would look in my direction.
So I will it end it here.
Anger filled her eyes as she moved towards me.
She grabbed my arm and made me look at her.
"Damn you, Luke. You will listen to what I have to say."
She slammed the door shut.
I walked towards the counter.
"Stop! Don't you run away from me!"
I stopped and turned towards her.
"I'm not running."
"Yes, you are. You have always been running and you will run all
your life."
"No. You are wrong."
"Don't you know what they are saying around town?"
"No, what?"
"That you are in love with me."
I lowered my gaze and prayed that she couldn't read the truth in
my eyes.
"They are imagining things."
"Really?"
"Yes, really."
"Then why all of this? You give me things. Help me out around the
house, driving me. And don't say because we are friends because you
just said..."
"I know what I said..."
"Then, why?"
"Because..."
She moved towards me.
I backed away.
Fleeing.
Running away.
The counter was at my back.
She moved towards me.
Closer.
Closer.
My heart went racing in my chest.
"Why did Rachel leave, Luke?"
"She wanted to leave."
"Don't lie to me."
"You don't want to know."
"Yes, I do."
I searched for the truth in her eyes.
I searched for lies.
But all I could see was concern.
"She said..."
I couldn't tell her.
My mouth felt dry.
"What?"
"She said that I was in love with you."
Silence followed.
She spoke first.
I tried to read what she was thinking but it was impossible.
"Well, are you?"
"You don't want me to tell..."
"I want to know."
I wanted to tell her.
Right then and there.
I wanted to believe her.
But I knew that my answer was not want she wanted to hear.
She wanted a safe life.
She wanted comfort.
Control.
Not me.
Not this.
"I can't..."
I moved away from her.
She took my hand and made me look at her.
"What do you want to hear? That I don't think about you every
waking hour? That I don't dream about? That I don't long for the
time you walk through that door and..."
I pointed towards the door as my words faded to black.
"Oh, Luke."
She understood.
She knew.
Concern.
Pity.
Our eyes met and I felt like a fool.
She let go of me and I walked away from her.
"Luke, don't go!"
I walked towards the entrance to the stairs.
I stopped in the doorway and turned towards her.
"Oh, don't worry...I'll live. I will be here in the morning, serving
coffee as usual."
I didn't wait for her reply.
I walked upstairs.
Leaving her in the darkness of the diner.
She burst through my door a minute later.
Anger filling her eyes.
Fire.
She walked towards me.
"Lorelai..."
"No, don't Lorelai me...You just can't through stuff like that in
my face and not expecting that I didn't need time to.."
"Is it really such a mystery? I did everything for you beside
telling you to you face."
"I never thought."
"You never thought..I know...Don't bother..I'll be just fine."
"LUKE!"
"You don't have to say anything. I don't want your pity."
"I haven't said anything!"
"I can see it. I know."
"What do you see? What do you know?"
"You don't love me. You are not in love with me."
She moved towards me.
"Luke..."
"No..please.."
"It's not so simple."
"Just yes or no. That is all I'm asking."
"I can't answer that."
"Why not?"
"I just can't..I..."
Silence.
I shook my head.
Understanding.
Hurting.
"Please, leave."
I turned away from her.
She grabbed my arm and turned me around.
"NO! I will not leave! You asked me to tell you yes or no and
the real truth is that I don't know. All I know is that I can't
go a day without you. You are the one that I talk to, that saves
me. I come here every day because I want to see you. That I want
to hear your voice, see you smile. Just you. The truth is that
I dream about you. I do. And sometimes I long for you. To feel
your hands against my body. I imagine what your lips would feel
against mine. I dream...But...If that's love...I don't know.
You want the truth...I have no idea what love is."
That was all that I needed.
I reached for her but she avoided my hand.
"Please, let me touch you..."
"Luke, you have to understand. I'm scared."
"For me?"
"You could never scare me."
"Then what?"
"I'm not great at this. Just look at me! I'm a single mum!
I got Rory when I was sixteen!"
"What has that to do with everything?"
"I'm not great with men. Just look at me. Max, Chris."
"Just look at me. Do you think that I have had so many women?"
"It's just that I'm scared that I would screw this up as I have
done everything else."
"You will not screw this up."
I moved towards her.
My heart felt so huge in my chest.
I felt like I could fly.
Her eyes met mine and I could see heaven in her eyes.
"I don't want to lose you as a friend."
"You could never lose my friendship. It's the best part."
I smiled.
She was so close now.
My hands trembled as I framed her face between my hands.
"I don't want to hurt you."
"You could never hurt me."
"Don't break my heart. I'm not so strong as I look like."
I smiled.
"I will never break your heart."
"That's a Backstreet Boy's song. Do you know that? I hate that...
So..uhu..."
"Lorelai.."
"Yes."
"Shut up."
Then I lowered my mouth to hers and kissed her.
Tasted heaven.
I ran my tongue against her lips, tasting her.
Her hand on my chest.
All sanity was lost as our tongues met.
Dancing around.
Caressing.
Tasting.
Her hands felt burning hot against my chest.
I ran my hand down her spine and under her shirt.
Her skin was warm under my hand.
I tore at her clothes.
Wanting to feel her against my skin.
Her danced over my chest and unbuttoned my shirt.
I sighed as she pulled of my shirt and touched my naked chest.
Her eyes were dark as I pulled away from her.
I took her hand and led her to the bed.
She didn't object.
She came to me with heaven in her eyes.
I laid her down on my bed.
Lorelai.
"I have dreamt about this..."
"Me too."
I smiled.
She reached for me and I went to her.
I was not afraid anymore.
I will not fear love.
She took me to heaven and beyond.


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Feedback----j_rothen@yahoo.se