"Bloody foreshadowing," Harry muttered as he wandered around the smoking remains of his extremely very secret base. "What happened here, minions?"
One of them made an annoying pained noise from under a piece of rubble. Harry kicked it off him and across the room.
The minion rolled onto his back, coughing blood. "Master—" he gasped.
"Was it Dumbledore?" Harry demanded. "I knew he'd been manipulating me all of these years, gaining my trust so he could steal my Infinity Stone from my metaphorical Gringotts vault. But how did he get in? Did you invite him in?"
"N-no, master." The minion descended into another fit of bloody coughing.
"You must've. He has to be invited in—basic vampire rules." Harry frowned, remembering that the vampire breaching rules of engagement hadn't applied in Twilight.
"Sparkly madman, twinkles vigorously."
"It was no man!" said the minion. "It was aliens!" The minion's eyes flashed suspiciously as he made his claim, telling Harry all he needed to know.
Harry scoffed. "My alien-detecting ward would have detected them."
"You told us to disable the part which detected incoming ships after you attacked those astronauts!"
How was Harry meant to know about Muggle advances in space technology? If they didn't want to be assaulted, they shouldn't've made their rocket look so alieny.
"I don't remember that," Harry said.
'I do,' Loki probably lied.
"Well you're basically a ghost, so I'm considerably more real than you, and so I'm statistically more likely to be correct." Harry slapped himself on the head. "Anyway, obedient minion, describe the aliens. Imagine you're talking to an idiot, as to make this easier for you, you imbecile."
"One was big—massive—like the Hulk. The other was skinny and tall and appeared to have some kind of telekinesis—he brought the whole lab down around us. They were both grey and scaly and definitely not human. Aliens, I tell you!"
Slowly, Harry nodded, wondering if the skinny one might be Dumbledore. "And did they probe you with any suspiciously knobbly wands?"
"Never mind," Harry said. "Did they say what they were going to do next?"
"I heard them say they were going for the other Infinity Stones on Earth."
"Oh." Harry glanced down at where Reality and Mind stones hung on his gold, iced-out VVS infinity chain. "That's unfortunate. What direction did they fly in?"
"West, I think."
Harry nodded as though he knew which way that was. "Of course. West. I'm going to go and talk to my good friend Fury." He glanced around at the torn down walls and half-collapsed ceiling. "Clear all of this up, will you. Don't want Dumbledore getting in."
He reached out to his mental connection to Fury and apparated to his side.
The room he popped into existence in was rather dimly lit and a bunch of people huddled around a bank of computer screens.
Harry gripped the Mind Stone. "Mind control!" he yelled, and everyone except Fury stood ramrod straight. "Fury, my slave in a way that has no racial connotations, what's happening?"
Fury bowed low and angrily. "Master Harry," he said. "Two aliens have appeared in New York and—"
"Are you sure they're aliens, and not just unidentified unflying objects?"
Fury frowned. "We saw their ship on our scanners and-"
"Now isn't the time for discussing irrelevant things, Fury. There's a situation at hand. And I need to go and make it better or worse."
"Of course," Fury said, handing Harry a smartphone. "Here's their location."
Harry turned and apparated to a bush in Central Park he'd once been in for unspecified reasons, and from there only had to follow the sounds of smashing and screaming and alien noises and so on. And flying cars. One smashed into the corner of a building in an explosion of concrete and glass. Harry put up a quick forcefield to make sure he didn't get any dust on his jacket and accidentally saved a small child from being crushed to death by a chunk of twisted metal.
"Oh my god!" screamed the boy.
"Oh my me!" screamed Harry, continuing walking along. "And don't talk to strangers!"
The boy screamed out a thank you, or maybe made a getting-crushed-by-an-alternate-piece-of-debris noise. All mortal noise sounded the same to Harry. The grey thing with an embarrassingly bulbous head walking down the street must not have been mortal, then, because its screechy voice was rather distinct. So was the way it was waving its hands and throwing them without touching them.
One of the said things whipped past Harry and crashed into a building, then fell to the ground in a groaning bundle of red and gold metal.
"Tony!" Harry exclaimed.
Tony continued making confused internal bleeding noises as he struggled to his feet. "Loki?"
"No," Harry explained. "I'm the Zeus guy, remember?"
He found himself talking to the thin air when a creature that looked like the offspring of the Hulk and a rhino on crack picked Tony up and yote him through a window. Harry hadn't noticed him before because his grey skin blended in rather well with the surrounding concrete—bloody alien cloaking technology. Why couldn't all of his nemeses dress like Dumbledore? Tangentially, it didn't seem like Dumbledore was the one stealing the stones.
Harry flicked his hand to divert a car flying at him then raised his eyebrow at the big-headed alien who telekinetically threw it at him.
"Have another go won't you, ET?"
ET raised an eyebrow back, despite not having any eyebrows, and made a little jerking off motion with his hand. Harry didn't have time to return the taunt before something hard metal and hard smashed into his back and drove him straight through the concrete of a buildings side. He blinked away his daze and found himself lying on top of a desk surrounded by a halo of broken glass with a rather iron man on top of him.
"What's happening Tony? How are you doing?"
Tony just groaned in response, much like he had last time. And also much like last time, it wasn't long before the big grey Hulk wannabe came barrelling towards them, uncaring of the remains of the wall. This time its roars were cut short when Harry sent a mangled Dell laptop leaping up into the air and into its mouth. Grey hulk staggered backwards, gripping at his throat and choking on metal and glass and Windows 8.
A smile rose to Harry's lips. "Guess you could say he got… Delleted."
Harry laughed. Loki laughed. Tony laughed. Grey hulk choked. A car flew through the wall. Harry blocked it with his face.
He found himself lying on his back once more and sighed before climbing to his feet.
ET except with a worse hairline slowly crunched his way across the rubble towards him. "Another hero come to stop me, are you?"
Harry chuckled modestly. "Honestly, it's always nice to be recognised as a hero, but this isn't really the time for autographs."
But ET didn't look like he was listening. He was busy staring at Harry's diamond Infinity Chain. "The Infinity Stones," he murmured. He looked up sharply. "You think yourself powerful enough to wield them, child?"
"Child?" Harry made an offended face. "I'll have you know I'm of legal age. And I'm not about to let a btec ET-Voldemort hybrid imply otherwise."
"Hand them over now and perhaps I shall let you live."
Harry laughed. "Wow, you're brave aren't you. Mainly because you step out every day with a hairline that terrible. At least Voldemort had the good grace to accept his senility and go bald. Has anyone ever told you look like him? Except with even less of a nose? And less dignity. And a worse hairline. And—"
The alien rather uncreatively threw another car at Harry and this time he was fully prepared for it—not that he hadn't been the other times. The car burst apart mid-air in an explosion of water and went rushing straight back towards ET. He thrust out his hands and stopped the wave just before it hit him. He didn't quite handle, however, the 2003 Corsa that came flying through the water next.
With a strangled yelp, the alien went bouncing backwards. caused a bit more property damage, and probably squashed a few innocent bystanders too.
"Right," Harry said as he strolled towards him, "I gather you're the one who stole my Space Stone. And broke my alien-detection ward, which I spent like an entire chapter of my life setting up, so I'm really, really angry. If you don't give it back, I'm going to take it out on you. If you do give it back…I haven't really planned that far ahead. I don't think you're actually gonna give it back—if you do we'll plan together what we should do."
The alien spat a sticky white substance—probably blood or semen or something. "You fool—the stone is already upon the mothership."
Harry blinked. "You guys really say words like that? Could you be any more stereotypical?"
"My lord shall destroy you and take the stones from your cooling corpse!"
"Wow, you have a lord? Voldemort would never have a lord. You really are an inferior version of him."
"Lord Thanos will—"
Harry suddenly remembered he had the Mind Stone and was basically a god and that he didn't particularly fancy listening to the alien probably lying to him—all aliens except him were liars after all. He tapped his wand against the Mind Stone and then the alien's face. All the anger and lust for Thanos and the other emotions faded away from his eyes, leaving them blank.
"Thanks," Harry said. "Now if you could tell me what Thanos' actual plans are."
"He's going to use the stones to kill half the universe so that its people don't die from overpopulation."
Harry blinked. "He's going to kill them to make sure they don't die?"
"He's going to kill half the population so that the remainder can live."
Harry blinked again—more vigorously this time. "This really sounds like the kind of plan I would come up with. Like, he probably thought about using the stones to make more food and decided that would be boring."
"The balance must be sustained!"
"Yeah, I'd say something like that too, then mimic some scales or something and make a vague reference to the greater good. So, what minority has he decided to genocide?"
"The selection shall be random," monotoned the alien.
Harry stroked his chin. "When you say random, do you mean random or random?"
The alien blinked confusedly.
"Like, random like a coin flip, or random like a random search at an airport?"
"Fate decides fate."
"…sayeth the TSA. But if that's correct that's a real shame, because he might get me, and I would've quite liked to see how this played out. Do you think Thanos would reconsider and just wipe out all females so he doesn't get me? Or all males except me—that would be less gay I think." Harry paused. "Or just everyone on all the other planets. I don't trust aliens—no offense."
"Destiny is inevitable."
Harry sighed. "Well, I don't really want to die yet because I'm a god, so I guess I have to stop this Thanos guy. Well, I already have two stones so I guess I've pretty much already stopped him, but I'm pretty bored and really annoyed you guys took my anti-alien-immigration ward so I'm going to kill all of you. If you could just point me to your mothership, that would be great."
The alien nodded absently and pointed up to the massive shadow in the sky blotting out the sun.
"Wow," Harry said. "Guess it's time to go do some Avengers hero stuff." Humming the Avengers' theme song, he flicked his wand and the alien's hairline got even worse as the head it sat on exploded.
A shiny red and gold shape zipped past him and crashed into a wall again. Grey btec Hulk went racing after it. He stopped in his tracks when a piano fell on his head-mainly in confusion. The confusion intensified when the concrete in front of him rose into a giant spike and was suddenly simultaneously in front of him, behind him, inside him and very red.
Iron Man popped back out of his Iron Man-shaped hole ready for combat, only to find his attacker choking and writhing around. Grey Hulk managed to break off the spike and wrenched it out of his throat and spine, increasing his bleeding massively. He collapsed to the floor and started seizing about like someone having a seizure.
"Ouch," Harry said. He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. "I was going to put him out of his misery but it's a bit awkward if you're watching isn't it."
Tony's faceplate slid down to reveal him looking vaguely horrified. He glanced from the alien drowning in its own blood, to the headless alien at Harry's feet.
"Avenging's hard work, Tony," Harry said. "Can really make you lose your head." Harry laughed at his own joke then exploded the other alien's head too. "Now, I think we have some avenging to do."
A/N: Sorry update took so long, was trying to think of a cult to start. Btw hit me up if u have any cults I can join in a leadership position