Batman is a great detective, but right now, even he cannot piece together this complex mystery. He cannot help but wonder why every woman from the Justice League and Young Justice is fawning over him. He racks his brains to come up with the answer, but nothing. Yeah, all right, he is the goddamn Batman and even he admits that is pretty awesome, but he was never one who welcomed romance into his life.
He possesses a stoic demeanor which women find off-putting. They do not flirt with him. Batman and women have an understanding: if they are not saving the world together, then he has no affiliations with them.
But now, the rules have been drop-kicked out of the window. Batman is displeased. He likes rules. But he cannot focus on his displeasure right now. He has other pressing matters to attend to: his unsolicited female admirers.
He might understand why the ladies of the Justice League are pursuing him. They are around his age. Definitely, not bimbos. They are real superheroes and they understand the need to be serious, which he is. He does it so well. No one can top him. No one can be more serious than Batman.
He admits that the women of the Justice League are all quite attractive, but why are they going after him? He has made it clear that he does not want anyone in his life. Plus, they have other engagements.
Black Canary is dating Green Arrow, but seriously, who is Green Arrow compared to the goddamn Batman?
Wonder Woman possibly has a thing with Clark, who is very oblivious to everything. He is Superman and number one. Princesses do like the best of the best of the best. Maybe Wonder Woman got tired of waiting for the Kryptonian moron so the next best target for her affection is Batman.
Hawkgirl? She is married to Hawkman, but maybe their marriage has become stale and she wants a change of pace, someone darker, more mysterious, a great secret keeper. All signs point to Batman.
He may also understand why some of the girls from Young Justice are into him. Artemis dated Wally West, the opposite of Batman. Maybe she also wants a change of pace and a rebound and maybe she has some daddy issues.
Miss Martian possibly wants a rebound, too. Zatanna? Rebound, too. Maybe she wants to make Nightwing jealous by going after the big guy or maybe she wants a father replacement? Batman thinks that is kind of ew.
Rocket and Bumblebee? They are both in relationships. Are they getting sick of their silly boys and want a real serious man?
They flatter him, they really do and secretly, he kind of likes the attention, but not from all of them. What he cannot comprehend is why both Batgirl and Wonder Girl are after him. Batgirl is like a daughter to him and incest is gross. And Wonder Girl? Can someone say cradle robber much?
The whole day these chicks have been badgering him and invading his personal space, which displeases him because he really really REALLY likes his space. They ask him if he wants something to eat or something to drink. They try to pry into his personal life, to get to know him, and they ask him if he wants a massage.
He sees no escape, no hope, but a miraculous moment comes and he embraces it. He does the Batman thing and disappears. The next moment, he is in the Batcave, but he is not alone. Someone is sitting in his favorite black swivel chair.
For a fleeting second, panic takes over his body. He is shocked. He thinks that this mysterious stranger is one of the girls. How did she get in? Only Batgirl knows this secret location.
"Oh, crap. It is Barbara! Alfred, help!' he thinks to himself.
The chair swings around, revealing Nightwing as the intruder.
"Oh thank the Bat that you're not a girl, Robin!" Batman exclaims, losing his composure. Nightwing glares at him. "Sorry, Nightwing. I forgot you grew up. Man! You would not believe how crazy my day has been."
"Attractive women chasing you must be such a drag," Nightwing says sarcastically.
"How did you know?" Batman's eyes narrow due to suspicion.
Nightwing smiles slyly and holds up a vile filled with pink liquid. "Love potion."
Batman is stunned. He was not expecting this. His answer to this cryptic problem would have been gas leak. "How did you get one?"
"A gift from Zatanna."
"How did you get her to make one for you?"
"We have a history. Also I told her I needed this to prank someone."
"Well, she's gonna be pissed, Dick, because you used it on her."
"Nah, she likes a good prank. She'll enjoy it."
Nightwing is being so nonchalant while Batman is very disheveled, which is so unfair. Batman is ALWAYS supposed to be nonchalant. Batman does not like this and when Batman does not like something, he gets angry.
"DICK GRAYSON, HOW DARE YOU THIS TO ME, TO THE GODDAMN BATMAN? YOU KNOW I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR ROMANCE! I ALSO DO NOT NEED ANYONE IN MY LIFE BESIDES ALFRED AND MY SIDEKICKS!"
"Bats, don't yell at me."
"I WILL YELL AT YOU IF I WANT TO!"
"Fine, okay, keep on yelling, but I'm going to leave. Then you won't be able to find a solution to your lovely problem. We all know that jealous women and women who are head-over-heels in love can develop stalker tendencies. They might find out everything and you don't want that to happen, do you, Brucie?"
Nightwing is right. Batman does not want that to happen. They cannot find out that he is Bruce Wayne, one of the richest men on the planet. Then, the chase will never stop.
And no one can NEVER find out about his priceless kitty collection. No one can know that he ADORES cats. That would be a total detriment to his street cred.
He takes a deep breath to steady himself. He wants to negotiate a deal. He knows that this is not just a prank. Dick wants something, but what?
"Okay, Dick, I'm calm. What do I have to do for you to help me?"
"Good, now we're getting somewhere. I want a nice house on the beach and one million dollars a year. I want to call the shots. I'm not your bitch anymore. That's Alfred Robin and Batgirl. When you die, I want half of everything."
"HOW DARE YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME LIKE THIS! I AM ALMOST LIKE YOUR FATHER!"
"You have been like a father to me, a very cold and distant one. You created a hole in my heart, a hole that can - fortunately for you - be filled with stuff, which you are going to provide."
"Okay, okay, I fold. You'll get everything you want. Just give me the antidote. I'm begging you!"
"I'm not done. I want an amusement park."
"And a Bentley."
"And a private island."
"And a puppy."
"Done." Batman is becoming very annoyed. 'How long is this list?' he wonders. 'And who the hell wants dogs? Ew! Get a cat like a real man."
"And to be the next James Bond."
Batman is scandalized. "WHAT?! NO! NOT ALFRED! I CANNOT AGREE TO THIS!"
"Yes, Alfred or no deal."
Batman starts to panic. "But... Alfred...he is my best buddy and I would be lost without him. I would be like you without a GPS."
"Either I get Alfred or I destroy your kitty collection."
Batman is on the verge of tears and hyperventilating. "DICK, YOU ARE SUCH A DICK!"