Loki's Lost and Found
"You LOST Coulson!?"
"I didn't LOSE him, I put him in a dimensional pocket to keep him from getting killed again," Loki said irritably to a very angry team of superheroes. "I'm sure he's perfectly fine."
"He's been in there for a WEEK, I highly doubt he's 'fine'," Steve said. "How do we get into this dimensional pocket to look for him?"
Loki sighed and opened up a portal, then said, "Go in there."
"You first," Clint said.
"If I go in first, it will close up and you will never get Coulson back," Loki commented. "It would take me at least a year to go through everything in there alone."
The Avengers grumbled, but went into the portal, along with Fury, who wanted to keep an eye on them. Tony went last, and dragged Loki in with him.
They all started searching for Coulson, and it was about five minutes before Clint complained, "Loki, WHY do you have a decaying wolf skeleton in here? That is disgusting."
Thor glared at Loki. "I thought you put Hrafn back into the woods when Father told you that you couldn't keep him," he said pointedly.
"I thought I did," Loki said.
"Eww…. What is with the wall of chewed-up bubblegum?" Tony asked.
"I have no idea," Loki replied.
"What's with this book?" Steve asked, holding up a book with a leather cover.
"That? It's a guide to effectively skinning people and animals alive," Loki said casually. "Odin gave it to me for some reason, and two pages in, I chucked it in here; it was rather disgusting."
Steve dropped the book.
"Damn this is a lot of yarn," Tony commented a few minutes of searching later. "Loki, do you knit or something?"
"No, but my mother does, and one of her ladies-in-waiting left a mess of yarn several times, so I just put the leftovers in here," Loki said. "It accumulated over the centuries."
"Hey Loki, mind if I keep this kitten?" Natasha asked.
Loki looked over, and said, "Sure, but don't be surprised when it starts breathing fire. That's a hellcat."
Natasha shrugged and cuddled it. The kitten purred.
"Loki, is this the Infinity Gauntlet?" Thor asked suspiciously.
"Of course not, Thor," Loki said condescendingly. "Do you really think I'd have that ugly thing in here?"
"Yes, I do," Thor deadpanned. "Isn't that the Casket of Ancient Winters over there?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Loki said calmly. "Really Thor, I told you to get that head injury checked out, but do you listen? Noooo, no one listens to me, even when it's in their best interests."
"What head injury?" Thor asked.
"Director Fury, I would highly recommend forcing Thor to go to medical later," Loki called over to Fury. "He seems to be having memory issues."
"LOKI! This is MY helmet!" Thor yelled. "Why do YOU have it?"
"Because it makes you look ridiculous," Loki sighed.
"At least I don't look like a green and gold goat!" Thor shouted.
"Better a green and gold goat than looking like I've got wings for ears," Loki replied.
"Hey, this bird matches my suit," Tony said, coming over with a phoenix on his shoulder. "I think she likes me, too; can I keep her?"
"Be my guest," Loki said.
"Loki, what is with the ugly sword over here?" Bruce asked.
"That?" Loki asked. "Odin thought it was a good present, and it's indestructible, so I tossed it in here. Odin's taste in weaponry leaves much to be desired. You know, he passed that trait to Thor. I mean really, a giant hammer? So barbaric."
"Do not insult Mjolnir!" Thor growled.
"Did you say something?" Loki asked. "I'm sorry, I can't hear you over my awesomeness with knives."
"You have been spending far too much time with Tony," Thor sighed.
"HEY!" Tony shouted.
"Ooh, cool, a bow!" Clint said from a ways away.
"I was wondering where that went," Loki said, going over to Clint, who was practically drooling over the bow he had found.
"Could you morons focus on finding Coulson?" Fury asked, exasperated.
"Maybe I should use that tracking spell I put on him," Loki said thoughtfully. "It would speed things up."
"AND YOU DIDN'T TELL US THIS!?" everyone else shouted.
Loki blinked. "You didn't ask."
Fury groaned, and said, "Fine, use the spell."
Loki concentrated, and then started walking, passing a pile of apple cores taller than he was, a sea of candy wrappers, and a pile of weaponry before going around a wall of books, and finding Coulson cooking something in what appeared to be a helmet. "Hello Loki," he said cheerfully. "This place is quite interesting."
"Thank you," Loki said. "I have been asked to get you out of here, though; the others were rather unhappy that I left you in here for so long. But some good has come of this."
"What happened?" Coulson asked, getting up and following Loki back to the others.
"Natasha and Tony have new pets, and Barton may have absconded with a bow," Loki said. "And just a warning, Natasha's kitten is actually a hellcat, so be careful around it. They breathe fire sometimes."
"Duly noted," Coulson said dryly, as they reached the others. He blinked when he saw the phoenix on Tony's shoulder, and asked, "Stark, where did you find a bird that matches your suit?"
"Somewhere over there," Tony said, waving vaguely to his left.
"Aren't you worried about Natasha's hellcat eating that thing?" Clint asked.
"Phoenixes can teleport and are immortal," Loki commented. "Can we leave now that I've found Coulson?"
"Sure," Tony said.
Loki opened up another portal, and they left. Once they were all back at Avengers Tower, Fury said, "In future, do NOT put my agents in weird dimensional pockets, Loki."
"Oh fine," Loki grumbled. "You ruin all my fun."
Fury growled and stormed out.
Cute funny one-shot! I hope you'll review and that you enjoyed it!