The reason why I have Calamity and Little Beeper as Mexicans is because in the episode "Piece of Mind", written by Jim Reardon, at the beginning of Calamity's flashback, the mailbox in front of his lair reads "Los Coyotes". Since Little Beeper was born in that area as well, he also qualifies for Mexican citizenship.

Slamming her locker shut slightly harder than usual, Mary Melody trudged toward her next class—

—and the locker opened again.

"CUT!" Mary suddenly turned and saw it, and chuckled.

The Tiny Toons characters were created by Tom Ruegger, Glen Kennedy, Dave Marshall, Ken Boyer, and Rich Arons, I think.

Hamton J. Pig, however, was created by Jeff Pidgeon.

Hubie and Bertie were created by Charles Martin "Chuck" Jones.

Kwicky Koala and Droopy were created by Tex Avery.

Bombino's Pizza was originally created by Sherry Stoner.

Bugs Bunny was created by Tex Avery.

Sniffles was created by Chuck Jones.

Bosko was created by Hugh Harman and Rudy Ising, a.k.a., "Harman-Ising".

Yakko, Wakko, and Dot Warner were created by Tom Ruegger.

He padded to the frame, lowered his ears, put his notebook in his jaws, stood on his toes, and stretched as high as he could. He extended his claws, and scratched the frame several times—

—and stopped, for some reason. He then pulled his left paw a bit, and declared with a strange voice, "Ugh, I am stuck!" Then with his normal voice, "Um, cut, I guess. A little help here?"

All characters are © Warner Brothers/Amblin Entertainment (and used without permission, but it's doubtful that they mind) EXCEPT FOR:

Kwicky Koala, who is © Hanna-Barbera Productions.

Street Hawk is © Glen Larson Productions/Universal.

Droopy, who is © Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer.

and The J.A.M. and Cygmon, who are © The J.A.M.

He pulled out a pair of spectacles, placed them on his nose, held the note in front of him, and read, imitating Bugs, "Ehh, youse mices bedda make arrangements for da new transfer student." Bertie smiled and suddenly held his mouth shut, making Hubie smile. "All his documents are in ordah," he began chuckling, "and he's reddy t—PA HA HA HA HA HA!" The entire class laughed too, especially when Hubie whacked him anyway.

The jaguar peeked from the door, smirked, looked at the camera, and just sighed, "Cut…"

The jaguar looked at the mice, and declared emotionlessly, "Good evening."

At which the mice spat and began laughing again, making the class laugh too. Sighing, the jaguar just turned and made the "cut" gesture with his digits.

Props by Acme Co.

Bicycle furnished by Montero.

Mary Melody's wardrobe furnished by Oscar de la Renta.

The J.A.M.'s wardrobe furnished by Yazbek, and Casio.

Montana Max's wardrobe furnished by Pierre Cardin, and Rolex.

M&M's furnished by Mars.

Yoghurt furnished by Yoplait.

"What? Shirley, don't tell me you didn't notice the way he was looking at us with that hungry mouth of his—er, eyes! Yeah! Hungry—" By now, the class was laughing again, and the jaguar was padding backward to his initial position.

"CUT," was all he could say, through his teeth.

Ballistics consultant: Kevin "HKU" Mickel.

Hubie continued with, "Exactly. Twin or Parallel personalities in the partnership are possible, like you saw with Mac and Tosh, but that combination practically always needs a strong villain in order to have balance, since the partnership functions as one person, almost. Also, Plucky," the duck snapped to attention again, "you're right. A sidekick should always hold the cue cards correctly for scenes like this and—"

"CUT!" roared the panther.

This was confusing the jaguar. "Huh—? I'm—not—wearing———any——!—things—" Elmyra shook her head and chuckled, "—of that—sort! Um, cut. From the top, guys!"

At this question, everyone in the cafeteria hushed and leaned toward the "bit players'" table to listen to the answer, including the cafeteria workers.

Noticing this, the panther lowered his features in slight fright, and replied, "When E.F. Hutton talks, people listen." Everyone "sheeshed", and straightened up.

"Okay, cut."

Original casting by Steven Spielberg.

Additional casting by The J.A.M.

Voice direction by Andrea Romano.

Mary Melody is Cree Summer Franks

Buster Bunny is Charles Adler

Babs Bunny is Tress MacNeille

Bugs Bunny is Noel Blanc

Hubie Mouse is also Noel Blanc

Bertie Mouse is also Noel Blanc

Elmyra Duff is also Cree Summer Franks

Plucky Duck is Joe Alaskey

Shirley The Loon is Gail Matthius

Lightning Rodriguez is Luke Ruegger

Calamity Coyote is Himself

Little Beeper is Himself

Hamton J. Pig is Hadley Kay

Fifi LaFume is Kath Soucie

The News Announcer is Wolf Blitzer

Sniffles Mouse is also Noel Blanc

Bosko the Vault Keeper is Carman Maxwell

Roderick Rat is also Charles Adler

Rhubella Rat is also Tress MacNeille

The Doctor is Susan Blu

Leloni Bunni is Herself

The Incredible Werekitty is Herself

Dot Warner is also Tress MacNeille


The J.A.M. is Himself

"Good evening."

She nearly threw her milkshake to the ceiling upon hearing that—and she did, actually. Moments later, it fell right on the jaguar's head, drenching him. Everyone laughed, but then Mary squealed as The J.A.M. stood, leaned over, grabbed her, and gave her a messy kiss on the lips.

He then released her, and as he padded off, he mumbled, "Cut…"

Special appearances by Leloni Bunny as the rabbit secretary, and Rottin Kid/Werekitty as the feline doctor.

Hamton J. Pig appears courtesy of Oscar Meyer, Inc.

Vinnie The Deer does not appear in this fanfic courtesy of Kevin Mickel.

The jaguar thought about this, straightened his ears, and stood to face the "bit players"—


And slammed his thigh on the desk.

"Ouch," he hissed, while making the "cut" gesture as everyone laughed.

The "No relation" line was originally conceived and written by Paul Dini and Sherry Stoner.

"Hold That Duck" and "Frankenmyra" were written by Peter Hastings, Paul Dini, Paul Rugg, and Rich Arons.

The episode Mary first refers to is "Cross Country Kitty", and it was written by Eddie "Narf" Fitzgerald.

The episodes where Lightning Rodriguez was supposed to appear in is "You Asked For It" and "High Toon".

The episode where Sneezer got the earful is "Phone Call From the 405", and it was written by Tom Ruegger.

The "Saturday Night Live" spoof was "Weekday Afternoon Live", and it was written by Peter Hastings, Deanna Oliver, and Paul Dini.

The phrase "A Hard Day's Night" was originally conceived by, Richard Starkey—ahem, sorry: Sir Ringo Starr.

The "Street Hawk" intro was originally conceived and written by Glen A. Larson.

Mary's final exclamation was originally said by Greg "X" Volz.

The "stars" of Tiny Toons arrived at Weenie Burgers, like they mostly did after school. Buster, as always, led them to their usual booth—

—but suddenly stopped in his tracks, making everyone else pile up into him—


—and made him fall, again with everyone piled up on top of him.

"Hey, what gives?" asked Babs, annoyed.

The J.A.M. leaned into the frame and said, "Cut…"

Music directed by Richard Stone and John Van Tongren.

"The Lonely Man" (End Theme of "The Incredible Hulk") is © 1999 Studio Tracks Music Group. Written by Joe Harnell. Performed by Plucky Duck. Used without permission.

"Cielito Lindo" is Public Domain. Written by Quirino Mendoza y Cortéz. Performed by The J.A.M. and Luke Ruegger. I don't need anyone's permission to use it, because it's public domain, duh!

"What's Up" (What's Going On) is © 1996 BMG Records. Written by Lynda Perry. Performed by The J.A.M. and Luke Ruegger. Used without permission.

"The Tigger Song" is © 1974 Disney Records. Written by Richard M. Sherman and Robert B. Sherman. Performed by Luke Ruegger. Used without permission.

"Macho Man" is © 1978 Casablanca Records. Written by Jacques Morali, Henri Belolo, Victor Willis, and Peter Whitehead. Performed by Luke Ruegger. Used without permission.

"Pretty Woman" is © 1964 Virgin Records. Written by Roy Orbison. Performed by The J.A.M. and Luke Ruegger. Used without permission.

"Dizzy" is © 1969 ABC-Paramount Records. Written by Tommy Roe. Performed by The J.A.M. and Luke Ruegger. Used without permission.

"Hey, Mickey" is © 1982 Numa Records. Written by Tony Basil. Performed by Luke Ruegger. Used without permission.

"I Wanna Tell The World" is © 1992 Reunion Records. Written by Michael W. Smith, Mark Heimermann, and Toby McKeehan. Performed by The J.A.M. and Luke Ruegger. Used without permission.

The final serenade was inspired (and some segments were downright ripped off) from Les Luthiers' "El Rey Enamorado" (The King in Love), from the album "Muchas Gracias De Nada" (Thanks A Lot You're Welcome), which is © 1979 Pueblo Records. Originally written by Marcos Mundstock, Carlos López Puccio, Jorge Maronna, Carlos Núñez Cortés, and Daniel Rabinovich. Used without permission. Parody lyrics written by and © The J.A.M. Performed by The J.A.M. and Luke Ruegger.

The jaguar turned and said, "I beg your pOOOFF!" He was caught in another crushing embrace, except this time it was furry. The skunkmaid held him in a full-body hug from his left, pinning his arms to his sides—


And the pounce was so hard that it actually knocked him over.

"CUT!" he yelled, being muffled by her tail and the laughter.

No copyright infringement is intended or implied. I did all this for the fun of it.

All of the characters, places, and events portrayed in this fanfic are fictitious. Any resemblance to any real persons, places, or events is unintentional and purely coincidental, except in cases of severe self-insertion, I suppose, but even then the similarities are controlled, he he.

Mary pushed that quickly aside, "He has an incontinence problem and both are in school, but again, only we know about that. If the 'stars' were true friends, they would have known about this long ago. Again, they call us 'friends', but it seems that for them, a 'friend' is anyone who isn't a downright villain or a psychotic fan. But we 'friends' get walked on by them, as you saw this afternoon." She then brushed off a spot on her shoulder that Sweetie missed earlier. "Even Babs and Buster wouldn't hesitate to walk over us. In fact, they did just that. They call Sneezer their 'friend', but they really consider it a nuisance when you write lines so (CENSORED) long like these and we can't remember them—" The jaguar clamped his paw on her mouth at the sound of that word.

He looked at the camera, sort of scared, "Cut!"

They walked/padded down the stairs, and Mary opened the garage door. Inside, the jaguar unlocked his bicycle, and pushed it outside. No sooner had he done that when—

—nothing happened.

"I knew I shouldn't have hired that special effect crew. CUT!"


To Montero.

To Mars.

To Microsoft's Encyclopædia Encarta '99, for all the scientific classifications.

To Roberto Gómez Bolaños "Chespirito", who hopefully won't mind me having ripped off a few of his catch phrases.

To Joaquín Salvador Lavado "Quino", also hoping he doesn't mind me using some of his material as well.

To Les Luthiers.

To Kevin "HKU" Mickel, for the info on dart rifles, and Bosko.

At that point, the loon hen's powers failed, and she collapsed on the floor. Immediately, the mammals rushed to help. Mary cried, "Shirley! What's wro—?"

"LIKE, I THINK I HURT MY (CENSORED) I SAT SO HARD, ER SUM JUNK!" Everyone screamed with laughter, and later helped her up.

"Cut…" he chuckled.

Angrily, she stood, shoved her way out of the row—


—and tripped.

"CUT!" yelled the jaguar behind her. "Lights!" The lights turned on, revealing Mary laughing.

"I thlipped!" she said, and everyone laughed again.

"RACIST! RACIST CARTOONS!" With adrenaline-powered strength, she shoved the pile aside, knocking over the canisters and sending the projector crashing to the floor with an angry cacophony. The others were now approaching her again, determined to try to calm her down. "How the bleep am I supposed to be funny if I have no mentor or role model from the past! Do you know the REAL reason why I was cast with Tiny Toons Adventures! I was put here to keep all the civil rights groups quiet! With me as the required minority, everyone else could do whatever they wanted without any civil rights groups bothering them about minorities! I'M HERE TO KEEP EVERYTHING POLITICALLY CORRECT! THAT'S WHY LIGHTNING COULDN'T BE ON THE AIR, OTHERWISE—I CAN'T BELIEVE I BLEW THE BEST LINE OF THE STORY, (CENSORED)!"


No sooner had she done that when she suddenly skated to the front steps, intercepting someone. "MoOOOOOONTY!" She slipped and almost fell. "Don't you dare follow The J.A.M.!" she warned him to his laughing face, and then she laughed too.


He padded to a shelf, and pulled out two very thick books.

"What's that, huh-huh?" asked the American mouse.

"These—" (KATHUMP! CRASH!) "—are to help us wreck tables." Laughter again. "Sigh…cut…"

The kiss sent Babs' panic into overdrive, allowing her to pull free from the vice-like embrace, jump up, run in place in mid-air, give Fifi several kicks in the face in the process, and blast out of the restaurant through the window—


Babs slid down the window pane.

"CUT! Who put the bullet-proof glass here?"

Satisfied with the answer, Mary let the tape play. Both saw Babs put the carrot cake on the table, and then turn her back to the camera as she turned to Buster. She paused the tape again.

"Now what do you see?"

"Oo, la la! I see ze tape ees stuck!"


She just smiled at him, and mumbled, "…they didn't know I was clever—I mean—um…"

"CUT," he growled.


To Bunnyman and Nathaniel T. Freeman, for the info on Lightning Rodriguez.

To Nathaniel T. Freeman and Thorne, for the info on the creators of Tiny Toons Adventures and Animaniacs.

To Leondrel Gonzalez, for the tapes.

To Nathaniel T. Freeman (again) for the re-edit.

To Rottin Kid/The Incredible Werekitty and Leloni Bunny, for agreeing to cameo here.

"Besides, Mister Duck here is already willing to confess the whole thing to Miss Loon, aren't you, Mister Duck?" The duck just shook in fear and hid behind Montana, who was now scowling at him. The jaguar continued. "The darts and tranquilliser can be traced to their manufacturers and buyers, Mister Maximiliano. And I'm sure that any furry toon with a good nose can pick up your scents on those—"


"— buildings—? Oh, please, cut."

Mary sniffled, "Sorry, guys, you pick up a lot of dust there!

He caught her gaffe, however. "I never considered myself good looking. The fact that I frighten others, including you, kinda proves that. I'm flattered that you think highly of me—because I don't. And the rest of the Tiny Toons don't, either. Miss Loon has them all frightened of me because she can sense Something that's beyond her power and ability to know. If they're not scared of me as a predator, they're scared of me because of what they know that they don't know. And right now they all wish they didn't know that they don't know. They all kept their distance from you and the rest, and now that they got closer, the things they learned from us—from me—scared them to death. I've unwillingly just became a troublemaker at school. And I don't want to be a troublemaker, believe me. And seeing the havoc I caused by writing long lines, I see you're right." He shook his head as he turned to pad to the starting position, signalling the cut and leaving Mary laughing hysterically.

Just in case you're wondering, the various ways of saying "The End" are written in English, German, Afrikaans, Dutch, Spanish, Portuguese, French, Italian, Romanian, Polish, Russian, Latvian, Finnish, Greek, Hebrew, Malay, Hokkien, Seneca, Chinese, Japanese, Norwegian, Swedish, and Mayan, respectively.

Also, the chapter titles were being counted in Spanish.

"Ah, yes, you're just in time, Mrs. LaFume," she replied, smiling and looking up at her—

"QUELLE!" she screamed.


"What was wrong with that!" demanded Leloni.

"Lel, Ah am NOT, 'ow you say, marreed!"

"Oops! Sorry!

"If thou would love me the way that I love thee." Lightning tried to sing, but the jaguar wouldn't pause. He flattened his ears and squeaked lightly in panic.

"That which is mine would become thine, and ours!

And it would become the object of envy for them and all!" Lightning frowned, stiffened his tail, looked down at the jaguar for a moment, looked up again—

—and just exploded in laughter again.

The jaguar just wiped his face.


"Hey, do you take requests?" asked Mary, from above.

Before she walked into the front door, Mary turned and looked at the camera, and commented with a wink, "It's okay, guys, my parents are home." With that, she carried him inside—

—bonking his head on the door frame.

"OW!" Amid the chuckling, he managed to say, "CUT!"


Mary Melody comes out of the TTA rings and proclaims, "For K-ACME News, this is Mary Melody, signing off!"

Until next time, remember:


Good evening.