Everybody in the Room
by Tavalya Ra
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by J. K. Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. Rowling is a goddess; may she have mercy on my soul for writing this.
"Everybody In the Room" is set approximately a month after the epilogue of "Love Potion HP" and thus contains spoilers (in fact, an extreme spoiler) for that story. It is not truly a sequel of any sort, simply an excuse for some slashy insanity that is LP HP compatible. It is also a bit of a change of pace from the fan novel; non-slash fans (which I knew a few of my readers are) may not enjoy it as much.
If anyone wishes to archive this story on his or her site, please contact me at email@example.com. Comments and criticisms are welcome. Flames will be ignored.
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"You realize that Severus is going to kill us if he ever finds out we did this," Remus Lupin said, his mellow brown eyes staring intently into the large pitcher of crystal clear liquid.
"I know," Harry Potter answered with a broad grin, his green eyes twinkling. He stepped away from the counter, surveying the airy kitchen of the beach house they shared with Sirius Black and Severus Snape. The spills were mopped up, the vapors fumigated, and the hexes on Severus's private potion larder replaced by Remus.
"Come on," Remus said, opening one of the cabinets and removing several spherical flasks. "Let's get this stuff bottled and stowed away before Sev-"
"And what mischief might you two be up to?" a mirthful voice behind them inquired.
Both gave a slight start and turned. Sirius stood in the doorway, wearing swimming trunks and a loose blue robe. Sand stuck to the strands of his hair, which right now resembled a wet mop. Clinging to his arm, wearing a tightly closed black beach robe and looking very much like a drowned rat, was Severus.
"Well," Remus said, mustering his calm, "you two got back soon."
Sirius shrugged. "Venomtongue got stung by a jelly fish."
Severus pushed a thick lock of now wet, but still greasy, black hair from his eyes and glared at him. "I told you not to call me that."
"You're a Marauder now. That's what Marauders do," Sirius replied, planting a kiss on his forehead.
Severus scowled. He released his arm and sat at the table, while Sirius went to the cupboard to procure a snack. Remus and Harry glanced askance at each other. It was funny, but Harry had discovered that he could communicate with Remus with just his eyes. They quickly reached a consensus to join Severus at the table; if they ignored the pitcher, it would remain innocuous and they could deal with it later.
"So," Sirius began, holding a banana. Harry was embarrassed to admit how amusing he found that. "Does anyone else want something?"
"A glass of water, if you don't mind," said Severus. He turned towards Remus and Harry, suspicion sparkling over his deep black eyes. "What have you two been doing?"
"Shagging," Remus replied causally.
Harry gave him an incredibly weird look. Severus snorted. "Yeah, right."
Sirius shook his head as he walked to the table and set a glass in front of Severus. "Remus, I am a very bad influence on your sense of humor."
"Yes," Severus agreed. "You're lucky I know you're joking. Otherwise, I'd sue you."
Severus could. He was Harry's legal guardian and Harry was still underage- at least for a few more weeks, as the age of consent was sixteen in Britain. Not that Harry would ever do anything with Remus. That would be just too… weird was not even the word. For situations like that, weird just did not cut it.
Why in the world was Harry thinking of something like this? Perhaps he was picking up strange vibes from Sirius and Severus. Not there was an odd couple with a capital "O."
Severus took a good swig of his water, then suddenly looked at his glass strangely. His brow furrowed and he stated, "This is not water."
Harry's head automatically swerved back to the counter. The level of the liquid in the pitcher had decreased.
Oh no… we are so dead…
"Harry," Severus hissed.
He turned back to Severus. From the look in his eyes, he knew the Potions Master had put two and two together in a strange way of which only he was capable.
"What did you brew?" he demanded coldly.
"Me!" Harry squeaked in protest. "What makes you think-"
"It's Veritaserum," Remus answered miserably.
Severus's eyes froze and for an instant, Harry thought he was going to strike the werewolf dead by sight alone.
"Veritaserum?" Sirius repeated dubiously. "How could you two make Veritaserum? That's incredibly complicated…"
"They must have brewed a weak variety. Such as in my personal copy of Moste Potente Potions?" he stiffly accused.
Harry tittered nervously and Remus smiled weakly.
"What does that mean?" Sirius queried. "What does a weaker variety do?"
"I means," explained Severus through clenched teeth, "that while I won't be randomly spouting out all my secrets, I am more likely to speak whatever I am thinking and I will answer any question directly asked of me. The only reason I'm telling you that is because you did ask me directly."
Sirius's eyes suddenly lit up. "Are you serious? You have to answer anything asked?"
"Of course I'm serious!" he snapped. "I can't lie- at least not for three hours at most."
Sirius grinned and Severus shuddered.
"Oh, please," he pleaded. "Be merciful. I swallowed. You didn't. You owe me."
"Swa-?" Harry began, to which both of them suddenly screamed, "DON'T ASK!"
"That is way too much information," Remus quietly stated, squirming slightly in his seat.
Severus's face alternated between different shades of purple. Sirius's cheeks were very pink, but he nonetheless turned to his lover and asked, "So, tell me then, because I've always wondered. Do you like it when I bite your nose?"
"Yes," Severus groaned. "I thought I asked you to be merciful."
"I take that to mean don't ask you questions about the Death Eaters. Our sex life is fair game."
"Yes, but in front of them!" he exclaimed, gesturing towards Remus and Harry.
"Why not? It's fun."
"Padfoot, you're evil," said Remus, only half joking.
"I agree!" Severus declared. "It's not fair that I have to confess my secrets without the same from the rest of you!"
Sirius pursed his lips in pondering. Then he abruptly pulled Severus's chair from the table and scooped the Potions Master up in his arms. Severus squeaked a small protest, balled his fists and started punching Sirius's shoulder.
"Put me down!" he demanded. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"Come with me," Sirius instructed, leaving the kitchen and heading towards the living room.
As they followed, Remus asked, "Sirius, what are you doing?"
"Think of it as a variation of truth or dare," he answered. "Only without the dare."
"You are not serious!" Severus exclaimed, flailing his legs. "You are not serious- Put me down!"
The living room was larger than the kitchen. Its slanted ceiling had four skylights shining the sun on the stone fireplace, large sofa, and several armchairs. A pale green and pink carpet covered the center of the polished wood floor. Sirius gently set Severus on the rug then sat beside him. Harry and Remus joined them, forming a circle.
"Okay," Sirius said. His legs were crossed Indian-style and his hands were folded with authority. "First, some ground rules. Anybody can ask questions and everybody has to answer them, including the person who asked. No questions about the Death Eaters, Voldemort, or anything nasty of that sort. Basically, nothing that would constitute an investigation of the Ministry of Magic."
"Well, that excludes our sex life then," Severus remarked. "Because I do think they'd want to know who a wanted convict from Azkaban is shagging."
Sirius gave him a sudden, quick glare. "Fine then, excluding me, anything else that would constitute an investigation of the Ministry of Magic."
Remus leaned towards Harry and whispered, "I predict this entire thing is going to blow up in Sirius's face within ten minutes."
"I give it five."
Sirius cleared his throat. "Okay, who wants to start?"
Severus ventured, "Who thinks Sirius is currently acting like an ass?"
"Me," Harry and Remus chimed in unison without missing a beat.
"Thanks, guys," Sirius muttered. "Love you, too. Okay, maybe we should start with something basic. What's your favorite color?"
"Blue," said Remus.
"Red," answered Harry.
"Black," said Severus and no one was surprised.
Sirius turned and looked deeply into Severus's eyes. "Black," he said. "Onyx black."
"Oh, you are mushy," Severus replied, gently shoving Sirius away.
He chucked. "Ok, then, next question, just to ease us into the serious stuff. Who is your favorite Hogwarts teacher?"
"Does it have to be from the current staff?" Harry inquired. "Or does past faulty count too?"
"Then it's Remus," he said without hesitation. "He's the best teacher I've ever had."
Remus modestly turned a faint shade of pink. "Dumbledore for me," he said. "He let me into the school and made special arrangements for me. And McGonagall. Because she understood."
"And maybe because you aced her class?" Severus asked pointedly. "Is it any wonder you're good at Transfigurations?"
Remus just smiled.
"Well, other than the obvious," Sirius nodded towards Severus, "I can't say I particularly liked anybody more than anyone else. But I guess I'll go with Flitwick. We got away with murder in that class. How about you, Severus?"
"Professor Floom," he answered simply.
"The Potions Master," Sirius remarked. "Well, surprise, surprise."
"What about the teacher everyone liked the least?" Severus asked.
Remus and Sirius immediately answered, "Floom."
Harry pondered the question a moment. A year ago, he would have answered "Snape" without hesitation, but over the past months, their relationship had changed considerably. He paused, then pronounced with certainty, "Gilderoy Lockhart."
"Oh, good God!" Severus exclaimed. "What a puffed-up, pompous little ass!"
"He was your least favorite, too?" Sirius inquired.
"No," he answered. His tone became grim. "Alastor Moody."
No one needed to ask why.
"Outside of anything having to do with the Death Eaters," Remus began, "what is the most terrifying moment of your life? I know mine. It's when I got bitten and then the first transformation."
Harry thought a moment. "I don't know. I suppose… I suppose it was during the Quidditch match with Hufflepuff when the dementors showed up… but that has to do with Death Eaters."
"Dementors," Sirius repeated dully. "My most terrifying memory is those few moments when they almost kissed…" He closed his eyes and shuddered.
"Everything in my life has to do with Death Eaters," said Severus, much in the same tone as Sirius. "But outside… when I went to the Shrieking Shack and almost got attacked by Remus."
Remus bowed his head. "I'm sorry. I've never said how sorry-"
"It wasn't your fault," he responded. "You weren't in possession of all your facilities."
For a few moments, the room was silent. Then Harry asked, "If we had included the Death Eaters, would everybody's memory be different?"
All three of them nodded.
Remus murmured, "When Lily and James…"
"Last March-" Sirius began.
Severus said, "The Aphrodilus…"
They fell silent. A thick gloom cast itself over the room. Cutting through the tension, Harry asked, "What is everyone's happiest memory?"
"When Sirius and James changed into their Animagi forms for the first time," Remus said. "I knew I wasn't alone anymore."
Harry's memory had the same sentiment. "When Sirius asked me to live with him two years ago."
Sirius turned to Severus and looked deeply into his eyes. "When I first saw you smile," he whispered breathlessly.
"The first time I said I love you," said Severus with the same quality in his voice.
"And who do you love?" he asked.
"You," said Severus. Then, suddenly, he jerked his face away. "Merlin, this is disgustingly mushy!"
Sirius started chuckling. "Oh, come on, guys, who do you love? Cause there's a certain greasy, slimy Slytherin I just can't get out of my brain-"
"Oh, shut up," Severus chided, playfully hitting Sirius's arm.
Sirius jokingly winced at his attack, then asked, "How about you, Harry?"
Harry shrugged. "Oh, I don't know if there's anyone I love, but…" his voice trailed off.
"Go on," Sirius encouraged.
"Well, there's this… girl that I sort of like. Cho-"
"Not Cho Chang!" Severus exclaimed.
Harry's eyes darted towards him intently. "What about Cho?"
"You could do so much better!"
"Like Miss Weasley for one- someone who actually likes you!"
"Cho likes me!" Harry protested angrily. "Maybe not the same way I like her, but she likes me!"
Severus just snorted.
"Remus?" Sirius inquired expectantly.
He shook his head. "I'm afraid I've got the same response as Harry. No one really."
"I don't believe you!" Severus gleefully declared. "Make him drink some of the Veritaserum!"
Remus looked like he had swallowed an ice cube. "If I have to drink Veritaserum," he stated, "then everyone is drinking Veritaserum."
"I'll brew it myself!" Severus announced maliciously. "And this time it will be real Veritaserum!"
"NO!" everybody shouted.
"Severus, if you don't stop, I'm going to ask you what your favorite position is," Sirius threatened.
Severus notably paled to a sour-milk shade.
"About the no Death Eater question thing," Harry began. "What if we just limited the topics?"
"To what?" Severus snapped.
"Like, well… really stupid things. Like did Voldemort ever do anybody?"
"Lucius," he immediately answered. "I'm pretty sure Lucius, but from what I've seen… I don't think he was interested in humans."
"Okay! New topic!" Sirius announced brightly.
"What?" Severus demanded. "I'm not saying he shagged sheep! I'm talking about veela and vampires and well…" He nodded at Remus "…werewolves."
Remus cringed. "Lovely. I'll keep that in mind- if I get captured I can sign up for the Dark Lord's harem."
"Hey," joked Sirius, "maybe that's the real reason your house was ransacked."
"Wouldn't surprise me," Severus interjected.
Remus gave him a very strange look. "Tell me you're joking."
"Actually, I'm not," he replied. "You're a very cute werewolf."
"What about me?" Sirius pouted. "Am I cute?"
"You're more the rugged type."
"But isn't there at least a part of me that's cute?"
"Your butt," Severus answered. His eyes went wide in anger and he screeched, "Goddamn it, Sirius, don't ask me these questions when you know I have to answer!"
Sirius threw back his head and laughed. Then he posed, "Who is the sexiest man in this room?"
Harry, just be funny, quipped, "Hedwig."
"Hedwig's not in room," Sirius reminded.
"Hedwig's not human," said Remus.
"Hedwig's not even male," Severus remarked dryly.
Sirius continued. "Remus, who's the sexiest man in the room?"
"Oh you, Sirius," he replied, rolling his eyes. "Most definitely you."
He grinned. "Why, thank you, Remus. I happen to agree. Severus?"
Severus gave him a deadpan glare. "You're not really going to ask me?" Harry wondered why he sounded a bit nervous.
"Of course, I am," Sirius replied, then inquired directly, "Severus Snape, who is the sexist man in this room?"
Severus shut his eyes and answered miserably, "Remus Lupin."
Sirius's face was indescribable.
"What?" he gasped. "What did you say?"
Severus clenched his teeth, trying to hold back the words he had no choice but to repeat. "Remus Lupin."
"WHAT?!" Sirius bellowed. Severus winced and Remus squeaked. Harry just felt very, very weird.
Severus held up his hands. "Alright, alright, please! Let me explain!"
"YOU HAD DAMN WELL BETTER EXPLAIN!"
"SHUT UP!" he screamed back at him. "THIS WAS YOUR DAMN IDEA- YOU BLOODY DESERVE IT! REMUS HAS TWICE THE SEX APPEAL YOU EVER WILL!"
Severus cringed at his own words and began mumbling, "Oh shit. Shit, shit, shit. I hate Veritaserum, I hate Veritaserum, I hate Veritaserum…" Then he cried, "I swear I can explain!"
Sirius said nothing. He had lapsed into a stony silence.
"Just because I think he's sexy doesn't mean I want to sleep with him!" Severus protested. "Well… maybe- GODDAMN VERITASERUM!"
Everybody but Sirius winced.
He took a deep breath and continued, "Just because he's more attractive doesn't mean I'm more attracted to him. I'm not… anymore- Damn it! Anyway, the point is I love you! Not Remus! You! And I don't understand why because right now you're being a perfectly insufferable bastard about this whole Veritaserum business!"
Sirius hung his head and sighed dejectedly. "You're right. You're right I am. But… really… you- you don't-"
"I love only you," Severus assured him, then added casually, "and besides, you're much better than Remus."
"Hey!" Remus suddenly protested and promptly turned scarlet.
Sirius turned to Remus and very deadpan, demanded, "What?"
"Umm…" said Remus.
"Shit," cursed Severus.
Sirius's head whirled around and he screeched, "YOU DID REMUS?!"
He cringed and answered meekly, "Yes."
"Sirius, calm down!" he ordered. "It was sixth year and it only lasted a few weeks."
Sirius was agog. "I! I DON'T BELIEVE-"
"To be perfectly fair, Sirius," Remus calmly began, "he's not the only one in this room I've slept with."
Severus started snickering. "I knew it!" he declared maliciously. "I knew it! Seventh-year, the two of you were practically slobbering-"
"Oh, shut up!" Sirius snapped.
Harry felt absolutely mortified. This was far more than he wanted to know about any of these people. He took a deep breath and said, "Okay, let me get this straight. Everybody in this room has done everybody else in this room?"
"Well, actually, no one's slept with you," Remus responded.
"And no one is going to," Sirius stated quite firmly.
Severus shrugged, "Aw, hell, why not?"
Sirius and Remus, absolutely flabbergasted, immediately screeched, "WHAT?!"
"Why not?" he asked simply. "Then we can say that everybody in the room has shagged everybody in the room. Harry, go upstairs. Sirius, you go first. He's your godson, so you can have his virginity."
"Oh my God!" Sirius exclaimed. "Tell me you're joking!"
"What do you think?" he snapped. "Of course I am! I was being sarcastic!"
"Can you do that on Veritaserum?"
"It was a suggestion, not a statement of truth," he explained. "And like I said, it's a weak variety."
"Obviously," Remus scoffed, then asked rhetorically, "I mean, Severus, you certainly don't find Harry attractive, do you?"
Severus immediately clamped his hand over his mouth and turned a bright vermilion.
Sirius's expression when his lover had declared Remus Lupin to be the sexist man in the room was nothing compared to his face now.
"I," he said very coldly, "am going to be sick."
Harry seconded that. Poisoning himself was startling to look more attractive with each passing second.
"Oh, good God, I swear, that is not what it sounds like!" Severus declared. "Sirius, I'm not a pedophile! Remus asked if he was attractive, not if I was attracted!"
"It," Severus stated with a very tentative grip on his temper, "is an observation from a completely neutral, aesthetic perspective."
Sirius lost it. "I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!"
"WELL THAT'S TOO BAD, BECAUSE AT THE MOMENT, I CAN'T QUITE LIE!"
Harry winced and began very timidly, "Professor Snape-"
Severus turned on him. "WHAT?"
He cringed. "Professor Snape, you would never-"
"If I was either drunk past the point of delirium or under mind control and about as pissed at Sirius as I am now, maybe. Otherwise, you aren't that lucky, Potter."
"Oh, God," Sirius groaned.
"You know, this was your idea," a very irritated Remus reminded him. "And quite frankly, Sirius, you really deserve to be punched in the nose."
"And the eye," Severus seconded. "I'll hold him down. We'll take turns."
"Turns doing what?" Sirius demanded.
"Not making sweet love to you, that's for damn sure," he growled. "Tonight, I am going to tear you up like a piece of raw meat."
And with that, the four of them collapsed onto the rug. The room was perfectly still for five full minutes. Then a very anxious Remus inquired meekly, "I was bad?"
"Oh, no. You were good," Severus assured him. "You just never made me feel tingly the way Sirius does. But if it makes you feel any better, you are bigger."
"Severus!" Sirius exclaimed, absolutely scandalized. "This is hardly appropriate-"
Severus sat straight up. "I'm on Veritaserum! Do you think I can help it?!"
"So how do you feel then?" he demanded viciously.
He smiled strangely. "Actually… kind of good."
"Practically everybody in the room wants a piece of me."
"Hey, this was your idea. You walked right into this one!"
There was a pause. Then Sirius groaned, "Damn. You're right. And now I feel really insecure."
"You and… Remus, and… my God- Harry!"
Severus did something Harry thought he would have felt the least like doing at that moment. He kissed Sirius and looked deeply into his eyes.
"I love only you," he said. "Only. You."
Severus leaned forward to kiss him again and this time Sirius was ready. Their lips and tongues locked together in an embrace as furious and tight as the rest of their bodies. It was madly, deeply passionate and- as Harry observed- rather disgusting to watch.
Remus groaned and hid his face in his hands. "Get a room," he pleaded. "Oh, please get a room."
Sirius, his mouth never parting from his lover's, picked up Severus and somehow managed to walk all the way up the stairs in that fashion. A few moments later, a door slammed shut and there was a loud thud.
Remus looked at Harry. At the moment, they both very dearly wanted to scream. He stood up. "I'm going to go break into Severus's pantry again."
Harry gave him an incredulous stare. "Whatever for?"
"Healing potions. We should start brewing them now- we'll be lucky if Sirius is alive tomorrow morning."
"You think he'll last that long?" he asked dubiously, rising as well.
Remus closed his eyes. He looked very weary. "You've got a point."
Trying to find some humor in the thoroughly draining experience, Harry feebly grinned and commented, "Drat. For a moment there I really thought I was going to get shagged."
Remus glanced at Harry with a very funny look in his eyes. He leaned forward and-
The only thing Harry could truthfully say about it was that it was very stimulating. And completely beyond bizarre. Never in his wildest dreams had he thought that his first French kiss- actually, it was quite a bit more involved than merely that- would last for three complete, uninterrupted minutes and be administered by his former teacher and father's best friend.
"That," said Remus as he drew away, "was how James liked it."
He sauntered out of the room, leaving Harry not knowing what to think.