TITLE : O'Neill and O'Neil

AUTHOR: Blue Topaz, blue-topaz@lycos.com

RATING: PG

CATEGORY: Humor.

SUMMARY: There is another Colonel O'Neil in the Air Force, with one 'L', and he had no sense of humor. Meet the man. Set after Season 5, 'Fail Safe', but only minor spoiler for that episode.

PAIRING: none

SPOILERS: minor 'Fail Safe'

DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. No copyright infringement is intended.

Please do not post or distribute this story without the author's permission.

Copyright by Blue Topaz, 2002

---

Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter were in Washington DC., attending another medal ceremony as a 'thank you' gesture from the US government once again, this time was for riding the asteroid through the Earth. Mind you, if they did not do just that, it would hit our beloved blue planet and have perished all the life on the face of this planet. So, Earth was once again a safe place to live, which was why Major Carter raised her eyebrow when they accidentally run to this man. The Colonel acted like there was a danger, which was worth his interest, and that, alone, spoke volume.

"Colonel." there was air of hostility in Colonel O'Neill's voice.

"Colonel." the man answered in similar fashion.

The Major knew straight away that they had issues. She should have leaved it alone, but her curiosity was piqued and she found it actually more interesting than the newest alien object that lay on her lab's desk. Only Kinsey and Apophis were worthy of this special 'attention' from her CO.

"Sir?" she tilted her head to face her CO, demanding an explanation.

He slowly turned his head around and gave her a look of death, he did not want this encounter to last any longer, but his 2IC's question meant that he had to endure this a little much longer. She presented him with the best blank expression that she could have mustered, "Colonel?" she repeated the demand.

"Major, this is Colonel Jack O'Neil, with one L," he lift his index finger to emphasised his point, "Colonel, this is Major Carter, my *current* second."

Sam mentally winced at that, she knew that she deserve it, but there was not way he could get rid of her, not even he wanted too. But then, he could always demote her position in the team and made Teal'c his second ... nah, it was to far fetch. So, this is the famous O'Neil with no sense of humor, huh? He *did* look like he was so stern, by-the-book kind of officer. So different compared to her Colonel, who could not help but throwing sarcastic remarks on every opportunity that he got.

"Colonel." She nodded in recognition of the man.

"Major." He also nodded briefly.

And then everything went awkward. Feeling responsible for this situation, she asked a simple question like a normal person would do, "So, Colonel, how do the two of you know each other?" she addressed the question to O'Neil.

Two Colonels shot angry glares towards her, but it was nothing that she could not handle. They must have had bad blood between them, but it was good to know that the two men were actually at her mercy. They had to act civil towards each other in the presence of a third party, it was a common practice everywhere. She still kept her blank look, as if she did not have a clue whatsoever. Sipping her drink, she batted her eyelids to the two men.

"It was a case of mistaken identity." Her CO answered in a warning tone to indicate that he did not want to go further into details.

But she was no stranger to threat as she faced it in daily basis, "Really? What happened?"

It took all her strength not to smirk in satisfaction at the look that she was given.

Jack caught a glimpse of his CO, "Ah, there's General Hammond. If you two would excuse me, I have got something to talk to him about. I believe that the Colonel here would love to do the honour of telling you the story." He did not wait for the replies, he *so* did not want to talk about how they know each other. It wasn't a story that he would want to share with anyone. He walked briskly in Hammond's direction, not wanting even for a second to slow down. Let O'Neil dealt with the Major, she gave him enough headache for the last 5 years. He deserved the break.

Coward, Sam muttered inside her brain while her face was still impassive. O'Neil had had an expression of utter disbelieve written all over his face at Jack's behaviour, his mouth hung open for a few second before he finally recovered, "I'm sorry Major, but it is not a story that I would like to remember."

She wanted to press her luck, but she didn't actually know the Colonel. So she let the matter go ... for now. Her own Colonel would not be shown the same compassion as this one, she had to know the story. "No sweat."

And then no one said anything, she sipped her drink once again. He just stood there, in a perfect soldier position, straight back, arms on his side, crisp dress blue. This man needed to loosen up a bit, she thought as she took a good look at him. He had brown hair and equally brown eyes like the Colonel, but he was a couple inch shorter - still taller than her though. He was good looking, she had to admit, but boring as Hell. Apparently, the Colonel was not joking when he described his 'counterpart'.

"So, where do you stationed?" she asked.

"Pentagon."

"Really? What project?"

"Development of military transportation."

A scientist? No wonder there was an extra edge on the way the Colonel treated him.

"Interesting."

"What about you?"

"Ahh, I'm in deep space radar telemetry."

"Oh. In Colorado Springs?"

"Yes."

And then the conversation ended up there. To overcome her discomfort, she traced the outer line of the punch glass that she was holding. The Colonel was a dead man when she could get her hands on him, he obviously knew that this guy was not a talker, and he left her alone with him. What happened to 'no one got left behind'?

O'Neil tried to break the silence, "Do you have something planned tonight?"

She was taken aback by his question. She had no plan, but she was a bit cautioned on what her answer would lead to. So, for the sake of convenience, she chose to lie.

"As a matter of fact, I do have a plan."

If he was disappointed, he hid it so well.

"Oh ... Okay."

He started to crawl under her skin. Colonel O'Neill wouldn't just be dead when this was over, there would be blood, there would be guts flying around, there would be pain, lots of pain. Of course those were just exaggerated mental pictures.

"Are you planning to visit DC again soon?"

Oh yeah, Colonel O'Neill would need reanimation after she finished with him.

She smiled apologetically, although obviously she was not feeling sorry, "I don't think so. Now, if you would excuse me, I need to find the Colonel."

Not wanting to wait for the reply, she turned around and made her getaway.

***

Jack was hovering around the refreshment table when someone called him, "Colonel." the tone was low and dangerous, and Jack knew the owner. He couldn't help but grin.

"Yes?" he turned around and was greeted by a murderous glare, which made him grin even more.

"Why did you do that for?" she hissed. There were no one else around them, therefore it was safe for her to use the tone.

"Did what?" he shrugged his shoulder and picked up a biscuit from the table.

"Leave me behind with *him*," her fingers were itched to point at O'Neil direction in an unladylike fashion. It was amazing how she grew more comfortable around him to actually think about such thing on the first place, but she actually enjoyed it. They established themselves more like a friends rather than comrades.

"I though you want to hear the story?" he took a bite off the biscuit.

"And did you honestly believe that he would tell me the story?" she snorted.

He finished digesting the crumbs on his mouth before he answered, "Of course not. But I though you could always use your charm to make him do it."

"What?" she asked incredulously.

"I have a full confidence in your ability." He munched the rest of the biscuit.

She rolled her eyes, "Oh ... sure you do, he *did* asked me out."

Jack merely raised his eyebrow, "He did? So, you said 'yes'?" his blood was racing with anger, his alpha-male ego was stirred, but years of practice equipped him with a perfect facade.

She looked at him in what that can only be called annoyance, "Of course I said yes. I'll be glad to spend a night with a guy whom, may I say borrowing your own word, have no sense of humour? Yeah right, in your dream, flyboy."

He couldn't help but grin, "But Carter, imagine this, Sam Carter and Jack O'Neil on a date. The General would have a heart attack if he ever heard about that."

She gave him an exhausted look, "You know, Sir. The way you say it almost makes me think that you want me to go out with him."

"No, no, no. Don't get me wrong Carter. It's just that the idea was quite amusing."

"Sure it does. Come on, mock me all you like. I'll just go over there and say 'yes' to him." she muttered, put her glass on the table and turned around to leave her CO behind. Sometimes, she just needed to take the most drastic measure available to make him react. And react he did. He caught her arm, effectively stopping her from leaving.

She turned around and faced him, "Colonel? Is there something that you want to say?"

His face gave nothing away, he had to say something - preferably sarcastic, but anything would do for now - so he opened his mouth, "Ah ... do you want to hear the story?" so much for sarcasm there.

There was a smug look on her face, "Since you are offering, I'd love to."

That was when he realised, his eyebrows were drawn closer, "You did it on purpose, didn't you?"

Her eyelashes were once more fluttered, "I don't know what you're talking about, " and then just purely for the effect, she added, "Sir."

His eyes were narrowed, "Come on Major, you've got me. You might as well be honest and do the gloating routine. It's nothing that I can't handle."

"Oh, I don't know Sir. Taking pride on your expense is not really my style."

He quipped, "I wonder since when."

"A, a, a. You cannot bait me with that Sir. I want the story, please. I can do the gloating later on if you insist." She smiled sweetly, expecting her reward for being so dubious.

He sighed, "Okay, but I must warn you that I would not tolerate such deception next time."

"Whatever you say, Sir. Can I have the story now?"

"Major, you can not ..."

"The story, Sir?"

"Major, it's highly ..."

"You promised."

"Carter."

"Colonel?"

"What's gotten into you?"

"Nothing."

"Then why ..."

"Sir, you know that there is no way I'm going to let this go."

"I could order you."

"Try me."

"Okay ... okay. Jeez, I'll tell you."

She grinned in victory, "So ... tell."

He backed away a bit, praying that the President would arrive soon and therefore saving him from her. Or maybe his little buddy Thor would beam him up to save their grey alien butts once again, he would even go so 'low' as expecting the Tok'ra to showed up on the base. He waited for two seconds, but nothing happened, his Major was still standing there with expectation, where were all the bad timing interruptions when he needed them?

"Sir?" she pressed.

He relented, "Okay, okay. We were on the same base when we were both Captains."

"And?"

"Well, naturally ... when I knew that there was a guy with the same name, same rank as mine, I did a little digging."

"And?"

He shifted uncomfortably, "And I use it to my advantage."

"What kind of advantage?"

He searched his brain on how to break the information to her gently, "You know ... pursuing my interest."

She didn't buy it. "What would this interest be?"

"Uhm ... making 'new friends'?"

"What kind of friends?"

He had absolutely no idea on how this story-telling had turned into an interrogation, "Err ... female attractive kind of friend?"

She was grinning, "Wow Colonel, I never though that you were so insecure about yourself."

He was dumb folded, "Insecure? Why would I be insecure?"

The Major frowned, "Weren't you using his attributes to ... make friends?" she added with a little smile.

"Oh, no, no. Nothing like that."

"What then?"

"Well ... I kind of used him as my scapegoat."

"Scapegoat?"

"Yeah, if my new ... friend was getting too serious with our ... friendship, while I just still want to be in not so serious friendship stage, I gave this particular friend his phone number." He fumbled a bit with his speech.

She was giggling at this point, "You sure know how to break a wo ... friend's heart, Sir."

He was relief to see that she found the whole thing hilarious, and then he found himself laughing at the memory as well, "God, I missed the old time. I had so much fun back then."

"Are you saying you don't have enough fun with us, Sir?" she teased him.

"Well, you have to admit Carter, it's a different kind of fun." He looked at her, making her blushed, fully aware of what his idea of 'fun' was.

She cleared her throat, "Still Sir, you haven't told me when the two of you first meet."

"Ah ... you know, it was a bit complicated."

"I'm the mistress of complicated, Sir."

He looked at her from the top to the bottom, and then he muttered, "Oh yeah, how can I forget that."

Knowing him quite well, she took it as a compliment, "So."

"So?"

If she was frustrated, she never showed it, "How the two of you meet?"

"Oh, that?"

"Yes, that."

"Uhm ... we met in General Riley's office."

"General Owen Riley?"

"Yes."

"And?"

"And what?"

Her brain worked like it never worked before, "Okay, wrong question. Why were you two in the General's office in the first place?"

"He called us."

"Any reason why?"

"Uh ... a little problem with his daughter."

"Care to elaborate the tale, Sir?"

"No." He said a little bit too quick. He told the story, granted it was not the whole thing, but it was enough to fulfil his promised.

 "Oh, alright. I'll just ask her next time I see her then." She just shrugged her shoulder, knowing quite well that she could not get anything more from him.

"Huh? Who's 'her'?" he was having a sinking feeling.

"Annie Riley, the General's only daughter of course." Just her luck that she knew her, she would get the information from Annie later on.

"You know her?"

"Of course I do. The General was one of Dad's friend, I know Annie quite well."

"Err ... Carter."

"Yes, Sir?"

He searched her face, praying to every God that he had known - false and real - that she was joking. But he knew her so well that he wished he didn't now. She knew Annie, the knowledge was quite disturbing - very close to frightening.

An Airman approached them. "Colonel, Major," he said, breaking the Colonel's scrutinised gaze from the Major.

"Yes?" the Colonel was momentarily distracted.

"The President has arrived. Please prepare yourself for the ceremony," the Airman said.

"Yes, of course." The Major answered him, "Let's go Sir. Wouldn't want to keep the President waiting now, would we?" as soon as the words came out from her mouth, she gave him one of that smile.

The smile that he had only one word to describe it: evil.

***

to be continue

So, what do you think of the story so far? Please do send reviews and feedbacks.

http://fly.to/bluetopazfic/