RWBY: The Parody
Disclaimer: RWBY is owned by Rooster Teeth. It is also misspelled. W DOES NOT MAKE A "U" SOUND. Shots fired.
Chapter 1: Ruby's Roman Rumble
The world of Remnant. Despite the horrific monsters, crazy racism, and the fact that they supply kids as young as fifteen with high-powered weaponry, it's really not that bad of a place to live.
"Oh god, this is a horrible place to live!" screamed a man as he got whacked in the face with a cane. He fell to the ground, unconscious.
"Um…boss?" asked a man in a black suit. "I love some good old-fashioned ultra-violence as much as the next guy, but shouldn't we be following orders?"
"No," said a red-haired man. He reached into the pocket of his white jacket and pulled out a cigar. He lit it and stuck it in his mouth. "You should be following orders. My orders, to be exact. I'm in charge of this operation."
"But Roman, I thought that Cinder chick was in charge…" said another thug in black.
"You're not getting paid to think," said Roman, wiping the end of his cane on his victim's shirt, "You're getting paid to find me a Dust shop to rob. Besides, Cinder and I have a partnership. I scratch her back…and she doesn't incinerate me."
"I don't think that's how that saying goes," replied the underling.
"It is when you work with a crazy bitch like that," said Roman. He pointed at the thugs. "Now, you. Dust shop. Find. Now."
"There's one down the road," said one of the thugs. "Past the black-silhouetted people that the animators were too lazy to give details to."
Roman and his boys swaggered down the street, past the background characters.
"Oh my god!" screamed one.
"We should do something!" said another.
"I would, but I don't have eyes!" yelled the first silhouetted person.
"We don't have ears or mouths either, but we're having a conversation," observed the second.
"WHAT?!" yelled the first person. "DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?!"
"Mmm-mmm mm-mmm!" replied the second, unable to speak due to having no mouth.
Roman and the thugs, who were armed with red swords, stepped up to the shop at the end of the street. From Dust Till Dawn was written on the sign above the door. The entered the shop, taking note of the tubes of Dust on the walls.
The old man at the counter looked up at them. "…Shit, I'm getting robbed again, aren't I?"
"Afraid so," said Roman as one of his boys pointed a gun at the old man. "We're not here for your money this time. We want the Dust."
One of the suited thugs put a briefcase on the counter and opened it. The rest of them grabbed containers from inside the case and walked over to the walls. They put the containers on the tubes and started emptying them of Dust.
"Wow," said the old man. "They seem to know what they're doing."
"Of course they do," said Roman. "They're professionals."
"Shit!" they heard one thug yell. "I grabbed my thermos by mistake! Now I have Dust in my soup…"
"…Except for Larry," said Roman. "He's an asshole."
As one of the thugs went to empty a tube of Dust he heard the muffled sound of music. He looked to where the music was coming from and saw a small figure wearing a red cloak. The figure's back was to the thug as it idly flipped through a magazine.
The thug grabbed his sword and strode over to the figure. "Alright, kid," he said, "Put your hands in the air."
He grabbed the figure, knocking off her hood in the process.
"I read them for the articles, I swear!" yelled the figure, spinning around. She was a young, dark red-haired girl. Her silver eyes were wide with panic as she hid her illicit magazine behind her. The headphones she was wearing slid off and hung on her neck.
The thug looked at the poorly-hidden magazine behind the girl. "Is…is that a centerfold? Of a gun?"
"…Don't tell Crescent Rose…" begged the girl.
"Who the hell is that?" asked the thug.
"Let me introduce you!" said the girl.
Roman was leaning on the front counter, idly twirling his bowler hat in his hands. Suddenly, one of his thugs flew backwards and crashed against the window.
"Larry…" said Roman, not pausing in his twirling.
Larry ran in front of the girl, brandishing his thermos. "Back off!" he commanded. "I've got Minestrone and I'm not afraid to-"
There was a flash of red and Larry suddenly found himself flying out the shop window with the girl, her knee painfully pressing against his crotch.
The girl landed outside, wielding a large metal contraption. As she stood up, the contraption grew longer and unfolded, revealing a large red scythe. Roman and the rest of the thugs watched as she smirked at them, then spun the scythe around in her hands before slamming the blade into the ground.
"T.O.P. yeah! T.O.P. yeah! Bow down for the Tower of Pi-" sang the music from the girl's headphones, before she quickly clicked them off.
"Huh," said Roman, watching her. He looked at his men, who were motionless. "Are you boys waiting for an invitation?" he asked.
"I mean…that'd be nice," replied one of his mooks.
"…Just fucking kill her, ok?" ordered Roman.
The three remaining thugs rushed at the girl. She spun around on her scythe and knocked one of them out. She then swung the blade at the other two, knocking them away.
"Huh," said Roman. He plucked the cigar from his mouth and threw it on the ground. "Thanks for showing me that I wasted my money on these guys, Red."
"My name's Ruby!" said the girl. "And you're…welcome?"
"Mmm," said Roman, lifting his cane up and pointing it at Ruby. "Do you know what this means, Red?"
"Um…" said Ruby, staring at the cane. "You have problems walking?"
"Close!" said Roman. The bottom of his cane popped open, revealing crosshairs. "It means you'll have problems walking."
He pulled the trigger on his cane, shooting a large burst of light at Ruby. The girl jumped in the air to avoid it, and the firework exploded against the ground, sending pieces of the road flying like shrapnel.
Ruby landed unsteadily on her feet and looked up, only to see that Roman had disappeared. Looking around, she spotted him climbing a ladder up to the roof of a nearby building. Out of the corner of her eye, Ruby saw the old shopkeeper exit the store.
"Are you ok if I go after him?" she asked.
"Hell no!" said the old man. "Who's going to pay for my window?"
"Um…" said Ruby. She and the old man stared at each other for a moment. "Gottagobye!" she said, running away and leaving the old man to curse behind her.
Meanwhile, Roman had reached the top of the building and was running across the roof. As he reached the edge, he heard a gunshot. He turned to see Ruby land on the roof.
"Hey!" yelled Ruby.
"Bye!" said Roman, flipping over the edge.
Suddenly, a large aircraft lifted up from edge Roman fell over. Ruby spotted the bowler hat-wearing man crawl on board the aircraft.
Roman grabbed onto the side of the plane. "End of the line, Red!" he yelled. He ducked as a bullet whizzed past his head.
"MY NAME IS RUBY!" screamed Ruby as she took shot after shot at Roman. "Get it right!"
Roman reached into his jacket and pulled out a red crystal. He threw it onto the roof, where it landed near Ruby's feet. Smirking, he aimed his cane at the crystal and fired.
Ruby braced herself for the explosion, but was surprised when she didn't feel anything. She looked up to see a blonde woman holding a riding crop in front of her. Purple glyphs were in front of the woman, shielding her and Ruby from the blast.
"Um…hi?" said Ruby hesitantly.
"Hello," said the woman, pushing up her glasses. "Please stay back." She waved her riding crop and purple beams of light shot towards the aircraft.
The beams impacted against the aircraft, causing it to rock and jerk in the air. Roman stumbled and barely managed to keep from falling out. He ran into the cockpit, where a woman in a red dress was struggling with the controls.
"We've got a Huntress!" he yelled.
The woman huffed and got up from the seat. Roman quickly grabbed the controls to keep the aircraft stable.
On the roof, the woman with glasses waved the riding crop, causing dark clouds to appear above the aircraft. Shards of ice rained down from the clouds.
Roman quickly moved his head as a shard burst through the glass and impaled the chair he was sitting on. "Could you do something about her?!" he yelled.
"Would you like to do this, Roman?" replied the woman as she glared at the two figures on the roof.
"Shutting up," said Roman quickly.
"Good boy," said the woman. She waved her hand and a wave of fire rained down at the woman and girl on the roof.
The woman in glasses waved her riding crop, creating a shield that blocked the fire. Her eyes widened as she heard gunshots beside her. She turned to see Ruby firing at the woman on the plane. "What are you doing?!" she asked.
"Helping you!" replied Ruby.
"She's just going to target you!" said the woman in glasses. She glanced at the roof, which had begun glowing red. "Damn it!" she swore, diving at Ruby and knocking her out of the way. Columns of fire exploded from the roof, engulfing the spot where the two once stood.
The woman in glasses got back on her feet and looked up to see the plane flying away. "Well…that's disappointing," she muttered, pushing her glasses back up.
"You…" said Ruby, getting up. "You're a Huntress!" She squealed. "I can't believe I got to fight with a Huntress! This is so-" She paused as she heard something click and looked down to see that her wrists had been handcuffed. "W-what are you doing?"
"Arresting you," said the woman.
Ruby blinked. She squealed louder. "Oh my god, I'm getting arrested by an actual Huntress! This is so cool!"
"I'm getting interrogated by an actual-" began Ruby.
"Enough!" said the woman, slapping the metal table Ruby was sitting at. "You endangered yourself and others with what you did tonight."
"You mean, stopping bad guys?" asked Ruby.
"If it were up to me," said the woman, "You'd be sent home...with a pat on the back."
Ruby smiled at the woman.
The woman smirked and licked her riding crop. "And thoroughly spanked."
Ruby blinked. "…Say what?"
"But, unfortunately for both of us," continued the woman, "It's not up to me. There's someone here who wants to see you."
"Is it my dad?" asked Ruby. "Or my sister? Or my long-lost mother?"
The woman licked her riding crop again. "Oh…I'd have you calling me Mommy…"
"Say what?" asked Ruby.
"Yes…thank you, Glynda. I will take it from here," said a grey haired man as he walked into the room. He was carrying a plate of cookies and a mug of steaming coffee. He eyed the girl sitting at the desk. "Ruby Rose…you have silver eyes."
"Um…thank you?" said Ruby. "You have silver hair."
"I know," said the man. He sat down at the opposite side of the table and gestured at Glynda, who was carrying a tablet that was playing Ruby's fight with Roman's thugs. "Where did you learn to do this?"
"Um…" said Ruby, watching herself fight. "Where did you get that video?"
"If you liked that shit, click this shit," said a young man with curly brown hair, who had appeared on the tablet after Ruby's fight ended. He was pointing at a door, which had the silhouette of a rooster on it.
"Internet," said the grey-haired man as Glynda turned the tablet off. "And now that I've answered your question…"
"Oh!" said Ruby. "Signal Academy. I go to school there."
"Really?" asked the man. "They gave you a giant scythe-"
"Which is also a gun," cut in Glynda.
"And taught you to swing it around at people?" finished the man.
"…Yes?" said Ruby hesitantly.
"I see," said the man, setting the plate of cookies down in front of Ruby. "Now-" He was cut off by a loud scarfing noise. He turned back towards Ruby, who had chocolate smudged around her mouth. The plate that once held dozens of cookies was in front of her, and now only had crumbs on it.
Ruby let out a small burp. She giggled and said, "Excuse me."
The man blinked. "…You're excused. Now, I'm guessing your uncle Qrow had a hand in training you?"
"Mm-hmm!" said Ruby. "I was complete garbage before he took me under his wing." She glanced at the two.
"…I'm…sorry? What was that?" asked the man.
Ruby chuckled sheepishly. "Sorry, I've been spending too much time with my sister. She really loves puns. There was this one time-"
"Miss Rose?" asked the man. "Your uncle?"
"Oh!" said Ruby. "Sorry. Anyway, Uncle Qrow trained me. Now I can fight the Grimm!"
"I see," said the man slowly. He took a sip of coffee. "So you want to fight monsters?"
"Well…that part's cool," admitted Ruby, "But what I really want to do is protect people, you know? I have two more years at Signal, and then I'm going to apply to Beacon Academy to become a real Huntress."
"Really?" asked the man. He set down his mug of coffee and stared at Ruby. "Do you know who I am, Miss Rose?"
"You're Professor Ozpin," said Ruby instantly. "Headmaster of Beacon."
Ozpin shot a satisfied smirk at Glynda.
"Fine," said Glynda, rolling her eyes. She handed Ozpin some money. "She knew who you were. You win."
Ozpin pocketed the money and looked back at Ruby. "So…you want to come to my school?"
"More than anything," said Ruby.
Ozpin nodded. "Okay."
"Okay?" questioned Ruby.
"Okay?!" repeated Glynda.
"I'm the Headmaster," said Ozpin, leaning back and sipping his coffee. "I do what I want."
The next day:
"This is incredible!" said a blonde-haired girl. She grabbed Ruby and pulled her into a hug. "I can't believe my baby sister is coming to Beacon with me!"
"Yang…" said Ruby, her face deep in her sister's cleavage. "I can't breathe…
"Sorry!" said Yang, pulling away from Ruby, who took in a deep breath of air. "I'm just so proud of you!" She sniffled and wiped a tear out of her eye. "It seems like just yesterday I was helping you learn your ABCs and now you're all grown up and destroying people…" She choked back a sob. "They grow up so fast…"
"Yang…" said Ruby.
"Did you pack everything you need?" asked Yang. "Ammo? Socks? Undies?"
"Yang!" said Ruby, blushing madly.
"I can't wait for you to make new friends!" said Yang excitedly. She gasped. "What if a boy starts talking to you? What if you start talking to him?!" She squealed and pulled Ruby into another suffocating hug. "My baby sister is going to get a boyfriend!" She looked down at Ruby and said, "Remember, if he tries anything you don't want to do, you kick him so hard between his legs that-"
"Yang!" yelled Ruby, pushing away from her sister. "I'm here to learn how to kill monsters! I don't want a boyfriend!" She looked at the ground and said, "Besides, I'm nothing special."
"Are you kidding?" asked Yang. "Of course you're special. Everyone at Beacon will love you." She gave Ruby a softer hug than before. "Besides, you're on TV."
"Huh?" asked Ruby, pulling away. "What do you mean?"
Yang pointed near the window, where a holographic screen was playing Ruby's fight with Roman.
"The robbery was led by Roman Torchwick," said the news announcer. "Torchwick is a known criminal and has been voted Vale's most notorious dick-bag three years running. Torchwick continues to evade authorities, who would like to ask that, if you see Torchwick, you don't attack him like this crazy bitch in the red cloak. I mean…Jesus. That's just common sense."
"See?" said Yang. "You're already famous!"
"Great…" muttered Ruby.
Ruby's fight disappeared as a news reporter took her place.
"Lisa Lavender here. This Saturday's Faunus civil rights protest turned ugly as the White Fang disrupted the ceremony."
"The White Fang have been in the news a lot lately," said Ruby.
"Yeah," said Yang, "But at least we'll never have to deal with them."
The screen disappeared and the holographic form of the huntress Ruby met the previous night took its place.
"Who is that?" asked Yang.
"My name is Glynda Goodwitch, you blonde bimbo," said the hologram.
"Rude," said Yang.
"Welcome to Beacon Academy, where we frown on all forms of faked transcripts."
A blond boy standing a little ways away from Ruby and Yang choked and started coughing.
"You all are among the privileged few who are allowed to attend this prestigious academy," continued the hologram. "Our world is experiencing an incredible time of peace and it is your duty, as future Huntsmen and Huntresses, to not fuck it up. Here at Beacon, we'll teach you how to protect our world…provided you have at least some form of combat training before coming here."
The blond boy gagged and clapped a hand to his mouth.
The hologram disappeared and Ruby gasped. She strode forward and looked out the window of the aircraft. "Look!" she said. "You can see Signal from up here!"
"Really?" asked Yang, looking out. "Looks like a whole bunch of black, undetailed buildings to me…"
"I guess home's not so far after all…" said Ruby.
Yang put her hand on Ruby's shoulder. "Beacon's our home now." She gazed out the window and sighed. "Going to a new school with my little sister. Nothing can ruin this moment."
The blond boy ran past, his hand pressed against his mouth. He grabbed a nearby garbage can and heaved.
"…Never mind," said Yang.
Will Ruby adjust to life at Beacon? Will the blond boy play some part in the story? Who is that mysterious woman with Roman?
Guys, I'm asking you questions. Why don't you answer me?