Daria and its characters are the property of Glenn Eichler and MTV/Viacom. Harry Potter and its characters are the property and creation of JK Rowling. I own neither and neither expect nor deserve financial compensation for this sketch.

This sketch is a revised version of one I hastily wrote for PPMB's Daria Daughter of ? Iron Chef Challenge.


Daria Morgendorffer came home from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and told herself that her upcoming summer holiday and her fourth year couldn't possibly be as traumatic as the one just past. Whatever else, the Basilisk in the drain pipes had been done away with, that idiot Gilderoy Lockhart had been side-lined, the students petrified by the basilisk were restored to normal, and the fear campaign about Salazar Slytherin's Heir had been put to rest.

The remainder of June, July, and the first part of August seemed to prove her right. Most of her summer holiday in Highland had been normal enough, at least for Highland. The Fourth of July fireworks at the park by the reservoir had been surprisingly good, the neighborhood swimming pool was working again, and the public library had gotten some new books.

The only thing out of the usual was that she'd met a hippy-dippy twenty-something wanna-be witch on her early morning walks through the small Texas town. The woman was more than a little flaky as far as Daria was concerned; she also had a big, black, badly-trained dog. The dog had gone beyond basic hand-licking to sniffing her to trying to jump up on her and lick her face. Daria thought that she was going to kick it if she ever met that dog again after her first encounter, but decided not to make a big deal of it. She surprised herself the second time she met the wanna-be and her large dog. She had not only petted the dog, but had squatted down and given it a hug. She'd gotten a couple of doggie-licks for doing so, but she told herself that she could be a good sport about it.

This year's summer had included a surprise vacation. Mom and Dad had made plans to take the family down to the coast and take a week-long cruise out of Galveston. Miracle of miracles, Mom and Dad's vacation plans stayed in synch and neither Mom's law firm nor Grandma Barksdale nor Grandma Ruth had managed to throw any curve-balls to wreck the Morgendorffer family trip before it started.

The cruise and beach vacation stayed pleasant almost until they pulled into their driveway. Somebody broke into the Morgendorffer house while they were away. Whoever-it-was had gone through her parents' personal papers, although neither her mother nor her father told her or her sisters if anything was missing. They'd also found and looted her mother's secret cash stash. In addition, they also ransacked Dad's dresser and closet and stole a favorite camping shirt. That wasn't the only room the burglar or burglars hit; for some reason or other they'd also visited Daria's room. Of course neither Highland's finest nor the county sheriff's department had any idea as to who might have done it, and no fence had been found with missing Morgendorffer plunder. Even now, nearly three months later and after Sirius Black had slashed the portrait that covered the entrance to the Gryffindor Common Room and something tried to break into Ravenclaw Tower, she didn't think the burglary at her house had any connection with this year's uproar, did it?

This year's Hogwarts uproar centered around one Sirius Black, notorious mass murderer, wanted prison escapee, and alleged follower of Lord Voldemort. Unlike the uproar of the previous two years, the uproar started almost as soon as she got off her trans-Atlantic flight and cleared customs. She saw the wanted posters and the news alerts almost as soon as she'd cleared immigration. Sirius Black, prison escapee and notorious mass murderer, had returned from abroad to plan and wreak unknown mayhem in Britain. She'd first thought that Sirius Black was a Muggle mass murderer, then was startled to learn that he was a pure-blooded wizard and that Britain's Ministry of Magic was screaming even louder than Scotland Yard.

By the time she set off for King's Cross Station and the Hogwarts Express, Daria had already seen the Ministry of Magic's wanted posters more times than she care to remember. She'd decided that the FBI's Most Wanted posters had better graphics, despite the fact that the Bureau's didn't have moving pictures and the Ministry's did.

She'd had her first encounter with Dementors on the train to school and quickly realized that real-life encounters with Dementors were far more frightening and terrifying than textbook knowledge. Despite the Ministry's claim that the Dementors were at the school to protect the students, a Dementor had entered the railway carriage she was riding in and attacked a student several compartments down. Almost as bad, she learned that the Headmaster had been forced to drastically ramp up security and that there were now Dementors stationed at each of the school's entrances.

On Halloween Night, Sirius Black had entered Hogwarts Castle and had tried to enter Gryffindor Tower. He'd slashed the portrait of the Fat Lady that concealed the entryway, gave up, and then tried to enter Ravenclaw Tower. He'd been driven off by the Ravenclaw Door Guard; Daria guessed that getting pecked and bitten by a solid-bronze beak just had to hurt. Nevertheless, that night the students spent the night in sleeping bags in the Great Hall.

Whatever Sirius Black's motives and motivation, school went on. Three days after the break-in and the impromptu camp-out in the Great Hall, Daria found herself in the Ravenclaw commons room reading a book about changes in Tudor-era transfiguration and their effect on the wizarding community in England. Her reading was interrupted by a gentle hand touching her shoulder.

"Morgendorffer," said the prefect, "the Headmaster wants to see you."

At least the prefect called her "Morgendorffer." She'd been saddled with the nickname "Texas" shortly after she arrived at Hogwarts and had hated it.

"Did Professor Dumbledore say when?" said Daria.

"As soon as possible," said the prefect.

Daria put the book she was reading back on the shelf, quickly went to her room to drop off her textbooks and notes, then made her way from Ravenclaw Tower to the Headmaster's office.

The route wasn't that familiar to her. She found that despite her occasional tendency to charge head-on into a challenge was beginning to reassert itself after years of dormancy, she'd managed to keep her nose clean. Unlike some people, she thought wryly, thinking of two boys a year below her: a dark-haired kid with a scar on his forehead and his red-headed side-kick.

A thought came to her. Could this Sirius Black business have anything to do with her? She doubted it; she was certain she wasn't a pure-blood, she certainly wasn't The Boy Who Lived and, so far as she knew, neither of her parents came from magical families. On the other hand, whoever had broken into Hogwarts Castle had not only slashed the Fat Lady of Gryffindor but had tried to enter Ravenclaw Tower. Maybe she could ask the Headmaster when she got to his office.

She'd done a little digging on her own regarding Sirius Black, and had learned that the notorious escapee had been a Hogwarts student, a Pure-Blood, a Gryffindor and, depending on who you chose to believe, was a either devoted follower of Lord Voldemort or not. The latter datum had surprised a parent of one of her Housemates; the man had remembered that Black had been cast out by his family for going against Pure-Blood Supremacy, but also had made it a point to torment Slytherins in general and Pure Blood Supremacists in particular while he was enrolled at Hogwarts.

Daria got a surprise when she entered the Headmaster's office. Not only Professor Dumbledore was there. So was Professor McGonagall. Despite the fact that the assistant headmaster was also a Gryffindor and head of Gryffindor House, Daria had come to like and respect her. She'd also been a great help in helping Daria adjust to the dramatic transition from elementary school in Highland, Texas to learning witchcraft and magic in the Scottish Highlands.

Professor Dumbledore greeted her warmly and Professor McGonagall smiled and welcomed her to the Headmaster's office. The portraits on the wall kept their silence, although one guy with a large fur cap eyed her speculatively.

"I'm afraid that this is going to be a Muggle-style parent-teacher-student conference, howbeit without the telephones," said Professor Dumbledore. "We'll be using the floo instead your Muggle devices."

Daria wondered what unforeseen shoe could have dropped.

"Have I done anything, Sir?" asked Daria.

"No, my dear," said Professor Dumbledore. "But you and I and Professor McGonagall need to talk to your parents."

"Are you sure that that's going to work, Sir?" said Daria. "Neither my Mom nor my dad are magical."

"Thoughtful and observant as always, Miss Morgendorffer," said Professor Dumbledore. "I found a way around that. I had a friend of mine over in your Comanche Ridge invite your family for dinner. We'll be using his connection." He turned away, bent down on his knees and spoke to the fireplace.

"Nice neighborhood," thought Daria, feeling even more off-kilter. Comanche Ridge was a gated community about twenty miles from Highland. If you had money and wanted privacy, yet wanted to stay near Highland, Comanche Ridge was the posh way to do it.

"Robert?" said Professor Dumbledore. "Are the Morgendorffers there?"

"They are indeed," said Robert. The face in the fireplace shifted and Daria saw her mother's face.

"Hi, Mom!" said Daria.

"Hi, Sweetie!" said Helen. "How are you? We love and miss you."

"I'm doing fine. I'm plugging away at my studies and am enjoying the cool weather. I get along better with my room mates these days, and Alva said that she'd like to invite me to visit her and her family over the Christmas holidays."

"Richard Dustin tells me that there was some sort of lockdown several nights ago," said Helen.

"Yes," said Daria. "There's this guy named Sirius Black who is trying to break into the school. He used to go here years ago and he was friends with the parents of one of the students. He tried to get into Gryffindor Tower and then go over where I live and got pecked by the door knocker."

"I see," said Helen.

She seemed so calm about it, thought Daria with alarm.

"That's what this call is about," said Helen. THAT was unusual, thought Daria. She expected her Mom to go on the warpath against Hogwarts and Professor Dumbledore for letting her child be exposed to danger.

"Darn fireplaces!" said Jake. "Why can't wizards use phones like everybody else!"

"Hush, Jake!" said Helen. "At least they're providing cushions!"

"That's what this call is about. I deeply regret to say that there's a family tie-in to this business, Sweetie," said Helen.

"Sirius Black and Harry Potter are our cousins?" asked Daria.

"No, dear," said Helen. "Neither one of them are cousins."

She didn't say neither one were related. Daria had been around her mother long enough to note the lawyerly parsing. She was pretty sure that she wouldn't like what she'd hear next.

"What I mean to say, Sweetie," said Helen. "Is that your father isn't your father."

So here was her pre-teen fantasy come true and turned into a nightmare . Daria had occasionally pretended that her dad Jake wasn't her real parent and that her real father was somebody else. Certainly they were miles apart in temperament and although Daria knew she looked a lot like her mother's younger sister, she looked a lot less like Dad than her sister Quinn or her youngest sister Ronnie did. When she was much younger, she liked to dream that some handsome, glamorous stranger would walk up to her door, announce that he was her real father, and take her away to a much more glamorous, exciting life far away from the boredom and stupidity of Highland, Texas. Now to her shock, her fantasy was coming true. Here in Professor Dumbledore's office, her early wishing that her dad wasn't her father shamed and embarrassed her.

"So who is my real father?" asked Daria.

The image of her mother in the fireplace grimaced.

"Sirius Black," said Helen.