The first post of anything is always weird and uncomfortable, kind of like a cleaning at the dentist. I know the majority of people who will read this already know all about my life thanks to the wild world of Facebook, but I still feel like I need to make an introductory post. Who knows, maybe I'll end up with a massive following and a book deal that will allow me to make piles of money and rent a personal chef! A girl can dream, right?
Almost four years ago I welcomed the most wonderful little treasure in to my life. As the little lizard-looking creature was vacuumed from my torn loins I couldn't have imagined how my life would change. Now, I can say with about 57% certainty that I would not give this life up for a second. Jackson is an amazing little being that is changing on a daily basis. I, too, am in a constant state of change. Not my clothes, hair, house, or hobbies – No. That hasn't budged in four years. Mentally, though, I am like a revolving door of emotion. Kids can take the most stable, sane person and turn them in to the biggest ball of crazy you can imagine. I am delighted to welcome you in to the inner workings of my crazy, beautiful life.
Here are some simple things to understand though before we go any further.
1. I am not a grammar freak. It is 100% likely that in every single post I will commit some horrible grammatical crimes that will make some of my friends cringe and bang their heads off their desks. I'm okay with that and here is why. During the day I get about 47 seconds to myself to do things that don't involve kids.I usually choose to poop during those moments. Now that Ive started a blog there is a good chance that I will be typing on my phone while pooping and listening to see if the kids are trying to kill one another in the living room. If my phone decides to auto correct words in to something completely dumb I am counting on YOU as an adult to figure out what I meant. Come on, I know you can do it! It's not that hard. I also don't want you to get bent out of shape if I incorrectly use then and than. Seriously people, this isn't a resume or a literary masterpiece. The future of the human race will not look to this blog for answers. We can all be friends and accept that I won't always get it right. I also don't proof read so you'll have that to deal with, too. Don't get me started on the commas. I throw those b****s around like a pimp on Saturday night! Sometimes I will even start a sentence and forget when to stop rambling! I blame it on the fact that since having Jackson I've probably slept a total of 44 hours.
2. I LOVE to curse. When I say love, I mean LOVE! Like, if I could marry the phrase, "For fuck sakes!" I totally would. Cursing makes me feel good. Makes me happy when shit is hitting the fan (or lost somewhere in the house). There are no taboo curse words in my pantry so if you're the type to get offended at a little 'b****' action I would abort now! NOW! You go find that little X tucked up in that right hand corner and you press that bugger! Make sure to head to Facebook right after and talk about how horrible I am though. I think it's funny.
3. I call my kid "asshole". A lot. Does it mean I don't love them? Not in the least! I really do love Jackson and there is a good chance I think they're better than (see, see! I can use it right when I try!) most of the people I know, but that doesn't mean I don't think they're they douchiest little bastards that ever graced the earth from time to time. It's all cool though because I'm pretty sure they hate me at times, too. I've read blogs in the past that spend every post praising their little miracles and all I can think is either those women are drunk all the time or they're lying. Why? Because kids are ASSHOLES.
4. This isn't a 'Watch me be the best Mom and Wife!' blog either. Despite the fact that I have collected an impressive number of crafts and recipes that I plan on doing with my kid at some point in time, right now is not happening. There have been many days where I stick my kid in front of some vinegar and baking soda and let him have at it just so I can drink my coffee in quiet. If I had the time in my day to set up these elaborate Pinterest style crafts for the kid I'd probably skip that time and go get a freakin' shower! Who has time for that shit? Do it after they go to bed and have activities ready for the morning? Hellllllll no. When the kids hit the pillows I sit my lazy ass down in my recliner and watch a disgusting amount of TV while browsing the internet to pin crap I'll never do. Is it a waste of my time? Absolutely. Does it help me wake up the next morning and not have the urge to sell my kids on kijiji? You betcha. I am also a very bossy, annoying wife half of the time. I really do love my husband when you strip away all the layers, but we have been known to engaged in some epic fights. It could be about anything really and once it starts watch out! I am not above complaining about him here. If you're one of those, "Oh, my husband is the best thing to ever happen to me and he's my world and my heart and oh MY GOD! he's so handsome and we're best friends and I would never say anything about him in public because that's not what good wives do!" people you're reeeeaaaaally gonna hate me. The Hubs finds it funny and he can sling it just as good as he can take it. After 12 years together I think we got it pretty much figured out.
5. Lastly, this blog isn't going to be just about the kid. How boring would it be to read about only one topic over and over? I know I'd get annoyed. It's even more boring to write about one topic. This isn't my first blog rodeo. I started one a while back but it was focused more on my health. It was fine for a while but I found that I was running out of stuff to write about. I enjoy health and fitness but I'll never be the sensation that loses 67lbs in 12 weeks and gets featured on the next great weightloss website. I live each day as best as I can but if the kid have been crazy all day you can bet the farm on the fact that I'll be drowning my sorrows in a cookie and a beer later on that night. It's not that I'm not working on bettering myself but it isn't as fast as the people following my old blog deserved. Atleast with this blog I can write about all kinds of stuff and know I can disappoint people across the board for all kinds of reasons! Yay, Internet! On a side note, if you can't stand what I have to say and feel the need to leave nasty comments, you're shit out of luck. I get to moderate comments and I will be deleting any comments that suck because I CAN. Oh, the power.
So, there you have it. This train has started and it's up to you where you jump off.