Title: Seagulls and Beetles

Word Count: 5000+

Warnings: discussions of genitalia and sexual activity in a more or less clinical fashion.

Notes: All things spoken by Zoro are through his POV and he is NOT a sex guru so please don't tell me things like 'well, actually you CAN do that', or 'that's not true, it can be done other ways' etc (you'll see it when you get there. And if you don't, even better). Zoro can only speak from his experiences, of which he has SOME but most assuredly not ALL, so no, not everything is going to be explained to Luffy.

Summary: Zoro truly is fearless. And either has massive self-confidence or absolutely no shame. Or both. Which is good, since he has to give his captain a Talk that is waaaaaay overdue.

Seagulls and Beetles

"He asked me if he could eat it!" Nami hissed, her cheeks a scarlet red of humiliation. Her eyes were narrowed, her normally pretty face twisted into a humiliated look of absolute horror.

Robin let out a small laugh, her eyes glinting brightly. "Well, technically..."

"ROBIN!" Usopp squealed, his hands fluttering like the wings of a baby bird as though he could make her stop talking through their motion alone.

Zoro ignored the squeaking and flailing and general carrying on that was happening in the aquarium. During his nap time. It never failed.

"I can't believe he doesn't know," Usopp gasped. "I mean, he is seventeen, right?"

"I agree, Sniper-san," Robin said, a small smile curling her lips. "It is very unusual for a healthy teenage male to reach his age without experiencing at least one nocturnal emission that would awaken his curiosity, if nothing else."

Franky refused to lift his head off the table. Usopp turned bright red and tried to duck underneath it.

Zoro kept his eyes shut, but felt compelled to point out the obvious anyway. "What about a healthy male made of rubber?"

Robin gave a light chuckle. "That would put a whole new spin on the term 'rubber man', would it not?"

Zoro smirked, and then let out a loud yawn. Chopper was making squeaking sounds in the corner. Nami sent Robin another horrified look.

Sanji was having trouble breathing. "Someone has to tell him." He raked a hand through his hair, though still managing to keep his left eye covered. "I mean, he should know this shit, right?"

"Not it!" shouted Usopp and Franky at the same time.

"I'll do it," Nami said with a pained expression. "I mean, how hard can it be?"

"That would depend on your technique," Robin said demurely. Zoro let out a loud chuckle as Nami choked on her own saliva. After a brief coughing fit, she turned her venomous gaze on the swordsman who could feel her intent with his eyes shut.

"I doubt you could do any better," she snapped hotly. "You'd die of embarrassment before you could explain anything."

Zoro cracked an eye open. "Doubtful. Also, better me than you anyway. We want to explain what sex is, not turn him off it for life."

Nami lunged at him in a frothing rage, restrained only Chopper who had been keeping out of the conversation and now switched to heavy point to hold her back. "He didn't mean it, Nami!" the reindeer cried out.

"Yes, I did."

"Not helping!" Usopp stage-whispered.

Zoro sighed and sat up, giving all of them a mild glare. Franky still hadn't raised his head, Usopp was red with embarrassment, Chopper was too young (Zoro didn't care if he was a doctor or not – there was no way a reindeer would be able to relay information about human sexuality with any sort of actual experience or reference) and he wouldn't sic Nami on his worst enemy. He sighed, and then gave a resigned shrug."Fine. I'll do it."

Usopp blinked. "You will?"

Sanji grinned. "You will?"

Franky looked relieved. "Oh, thank god."

Robin smiled, looking somewhat intrigued. Chopper stared at the swordsman with an awed expression.

Nami slammed her hand down on the table. "We all heard him, he said he will." She narrowed her eyes at the swordsman. "Your word, Zoro, no matter what. Do you understand what this means?"

Did she think he was incapable of basic comprehension? Naturally. Zoro opened one eye lazily to glare at her. "I think it means I'm talking to Luffy about what sex is because apparently he's a bit confused on the subject."

Franky, Sanji and Usopp dissolved into a sniggering trio of hyenas and Zoro closed his eye again. Nami bit her lip, looking a bit concerned. "And you can do this?"

"I said I would." With a sigh, Zoro sat up, all thoughts of a morning nap gone. "I'll go do it now. Robin, can you help me in the library for a minute?" The archaeologist nodded and rose to her feet. "You can even listen if you want, to make sure it's up to your standard," he sneered at the remaining morons as he left. "I don't give a shit."


Zoro sighed and sat down in front of the tree, stretching his legs out and setting the materials he'd gotten from Robin at his side. Luffy bounced over the railing, landed on the grass in a rolling ball of rubber limbs that smacked against Zoro's legs, bringing him to a halt. Unfolding himself, he looked up and grinned at his first mate.. "Shishishishi... What did you wanna talk to me about, Zoro? Nami said it was important!"

"And I'm sure to them, it is," Zoro groused. "Yet not important enough for them to do themselves."

"Ara?" Luffy cocked his head to the side like a confused Retriever puppy. "What do you mean?"

"You told Nami you didn't know what sex was, right?"

A dawning look of comprehension. Luffy nodded. "I asked her if I could eat it and she turned all red and funny lookin'. Neh, Zoro, are you gonna tell me what it is?"

"Apparently I'm the only one with the actual balls to do it," Zoro said with a shrug, casting a glare over his shoulder to where he knew most of the crew was huddled against the railing, trying – and failing – to be inconspicuous. He rubbed the bridge of his nose. "So I'm guessing you don't know where babies come from either?"

"Babies come from their mummies tummy," Luffy said promptly, as though reciting something he'd been told as a matter of course.

Well, if nothing else, it was a start. Zoro nodded encouragingly. "How do they get there?"

Luffy shrugged. "A mystery?"

Zoro smothered a laugh. Of course. He should have expected that answer first. "Nope, not a mystery. Do you want to know? Or do you just want to keep it a mystery?"

Luffy's eyes were wide and if he had a tail, Zoro was sure it'd be wagging by now. "Zoro knows? Tell me! I want to know too!"

"Okay, but a couple more questions before I do." Might as well ask the obvious first. "Have you ever masturbated before?"

There was a faint squeak from over his head. Zoro rolled his eyes and returned to Luffy who looked confused, his head now tilted the opposite way. "What's that? Is it sex?"

"It can be." Zoro decided to go as basic as possible and work from there. Basic and simplistic and at the same time, very specific. "Have you ever touched yourself between your legs?"

There was another squeak, an embarrassed giggle, and a host of 'Ssshhhhhhh's' from over his head. Immature idiots. It was probably a damn good thing he was the one educating their captain. If all they could get out was squeaks and giggles, it'd be no different than handing a porn magazine to their three youngest and letting them figure it out for themselves.

Back to the subject though. Luffy blinked at Zoro's question. "You mean like when I pee and have to give it a shake?" He mimed the actions, as if to make sure Zoro knew exactly what he was referring to.

He held back a laugh."Yes to the shake, no to the peeing," Zoro clarified with a grin. "Touching yourself there when you don't have to pee. Just to feel good. Have you ever felt it get harder?"

A thud from the railing. A smacking sound – like the sound of someone's head impacting a wooden wall. Ten bellie said it was the cook.

Luffy shook his head. "I don't think so."

Zoro was mildly amazed at the idea of a seventeen year old never having jacked off at least once in his life. Hell, when he'd discovered his libido at thirteen and found out what his hand and soft sheets could feel like, it had been like his birthday and Christmas rolled into one. "Have you ever woken up to a wet bed after a really good dream?"

"Zoro!" Luffy growled, his cheeks finally going red. "Only babies and little kids wet the bed! I stopped doing that when I was really little!"

For the love of... "Not that kind of bed-wetting," Zoro said, hands raised in a peaceful gesture. "I mean, a sticky, white wetness, a bit thicker than pee or water." Well, that was certainly specific enough, wasn't it?

Luffy chewed on his lip for a moment, thinking furiously. Zoro wouldn't be surprised if smoke started rising. Finally he exhaled and shook his head. "I don't think so."

Wow. WOW. Zoro didn't know whether to be impressed or disbelieving. If that was true, then Luffy was a true innocent here, and Zoro didn't know if he liked the idea of breaking that veil of virginity that seemed to hang over Luffy like a protective cloak. But it had to be done.

They were pirates on the Grand Line. There were any number of depraved people out there who would lust after an eager young man like Luffy, so obviously untouched. He needed to know the basics, in order for Zoro to later talk to him about what lurked in dark alleyways on darker islands. Quite frankly, it was a bit alarming that Luffy had gone so long without being given any warning or preparation at all. Likely the result of an over-protective brother (Ace certainly seemed like the type), and then simply being a powerhouse in his own right. Luffy either hadn't been approached that way at all, or else he had and hadn't recognized it – that or he had turned it into a fight. That was probably more likely.

Zoro sighed. There was no hope for it. He raised an eyebrow at his captain. "Well, I hope you know what a penis is, at least."

Luffy blinked and then grinned. "Part of my family jewels!" he stated happily, pointing at his crotch. There was a giggle and more of that irritating squeaking that made Zoro want to Tatsumaki the lot of them into the sea. Well, he'd been trying to work on his patience. Between Luffy's simplicity and his crews immaturity, he could probably consider today extreme training.

He liked the sound of that. Moving on, then.

"Okay then. What do girls have between their legs?" He heard a massive inhale which was no doubt the cook about to explode except for the soft flutter of petals that he recognized as Robin's technique – likely she was restraining the cook. He hoped it was painful. "Luffy?"

Luffy's eyes were round and questioning. "They don't have family jewels?"

"Women have a jewel of their own," Zoro acknowledged. "But its different from ours. Men have a penis, and a penis sticks out. Women have a vagina, which is like, well, you could call it a port of entry."

"An entry port?" Luffy's eyes were even wider. "What goes in there, Zoro? What enters the woman's port?"

There were more thuds and muffled giggles. Zoro rubbed his forehead, trying to block out the peanut gallery. "Well, can you enter a penis?" Okay, you could in theory but Zoro had no intention of getting into sounding and other kinks of that nature. The only reason he even knew was because Yosaku had a filthy mind and a loud mouth when he was drunk and that particular combination was just a recipe for over-sharing around a campfire.

Meanwhile, Luffy was blinking, looking like something was slowly coming together in his head. "Nope. A penis sticks out...ooooohhhhh... neh, Zoro?" Luffy's eyes were suddenly shining. "Is a penis like a ship?"

Zoro grinned. "In this discussion, yeah, it is. So let's go back to your question, Luffy. What enters a woman's port? What goes in her vagina?"

"The ship! A penis!" Luffy cheered, throwing his hands over his head, looking so ridiculously self-satisfied for coming to the correct conclusion. His wide grin was infectious.

It was almost adorable. Zoro resisted the urge to pat his captain on the head and offer him a cookie. "And that is a very basic example of what sex is, Luffy. A man putting his penis inside a woman's vagina."

The idea seemed to stun him for a moment. Luffy was obviously thinking that information over very hard. After a few minutes though, he looked back up at the swordsman. "Neh, Zoro?"


"Why do women... let men do that?" Luffy asked, furrowing his brow.

"Well, some might just for pleasure," Zoro said calmly. "Sex, if it's done properly, and if everyone is a willing participant, can feel really, really good. It feels good for the man, and if he knows what he's doing, it feels really good for her too." He waited for it.

He wasn't disappointed. Luffy's eyes sparkled at him. "Have you had sex, Zoro?"

"Yes. A few times." Take that ero-cook. He hid the smirk threatening to emerge at the sound of the cook instantly deflating into abject misery that the swordsman had had sex before the self-proclaimed ladies man. He could feel the depressed aura from where he was sitting. It felt like victory.

"Did you like it?"

Zoro thought that over, and then shrugged. "I liked some sex better than others."

Luffy looked fascinated. "What do you mean?"

"I think I'll explain that later, Luffy. We were talking about babies right?" Zoro picked up a book Robin had given him and opened it up to the spread page that showed a fetus inside a uterus. He disregarded the idea of teaching those words to Luffy at that point. 'Baby' and 'tummy' would work for now.

"Whoa, COOL," Luffy gaped at the picture. "How'd they get a picture of inside that woman's tummy like that?"

That was a good question. "Chopper would probably know," Zoro said. "Or maybe Franky. But anyway Luffy, let's get on with this. This baby is there because a man and a woman had sex."

There was a definite look of confusion on Luffy's face now. "How? Does it happen every time? If Robin or Nami have sex, will they have a baby?"

There was a definite wail coming from the galley where the peanut gallery had apparently relocated along with several other sounds in what was a likely attempt to keep themselves from being heard. Sadly, it was a failed attempt. Zoro's heightened senses could clearly pick out the gibbering sounds of a love-cook suddenly lost in a fantasy world he had no interest whatsoever in knowing the details of, and those squeaks came from Chopper, Usopp and Nami respectively. The laughter was definitely Robin, and the crash was likely Franky overheating and powering down, out for the count. Zoro shook his head. "Not necessarily, Luffy. Remember when I asked you about any good dreams and waking up feeling wet or sticky?"

Luffy nodded.

"That's what happens when you touch yourself there. Sometimes – or in a teenager's case, always – you'll feel so good it'll overflow. It's called having an orgasm and the stuff that comes out – the white stuff – is like a bunch of seeds you need. Like Nami's orange trees." He pointed to the trees across from them. "You need orange seeds to grow an orange tree, right?" Luffy nodded again. "Well, to have a baby, you need seeds from the man to go into the woman so she can start growing it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Just like how sometimes not all plant seeds turn into plants."

"So the penis has to overflow into the vagina," Luffy said, nodding his understanding. "What about women? Do women overflow? Have organisms?"

"Orgasms. And yeah, if the guy knows what he's doing," Zoro shrugged. There was another squeak. The damn cook was probably having a heart attack and he wasn't able to watch? Damn it. "Women have lots of places that are sensitive to being touched, and the best thing you can do with your partner to is experiment. Ask them if there's something they like. Pay attention to what makes them feel good, and also pay attention to stuff they don't like." He leveled a serious stare at his captain. "You always ask first. You respect your bed partner, no matter what. And you make sure that they respect you too. No one wants to do something that intimate if it's painful or not fun."

Luffy nodded. "I understand that," he said, and Zoro knew he likely did. Luffy had a habit of knowing people within seconds, and never did anything to intentionally harm his nakama. If the boy wound up developing a sex life, he'd probably be a very playful and attentive lover. "So what else is sex?"

Zoro blinked. "What else? Basically anything that involves your body parts and someone else. Touching yourself – masturbating – can be done with a partner or by yourself. The steadfast rule though, is permission. You always need to ask permission before you do anything to anyone." He could not emphasize that enough. He couldn't imagine the horrific chaos that would ensue if Luffy began randomly touching people trying to figure out what he or they liked and forgetting that not all crews were as easygoing as theirs about personal space.

"Zoro's serious," Luffy said, his own expression serious. His hat was lowered a bit and he peered at Zoro with eyes that were suddenly a little darker than usual. "He keeps repeating that. He said he liked some sex better than other sex. Did Zoro's partner forget to ask permission?"

Zoro paused and stared at Luffy who was watching him carefully. He was a little surprised that his captain had made that connection, but then, he really shouldn't be. Luffy was intensely protective of his nakama after all. "Not exactly, but I'm glad you understand how important it is." He should have known Luffy would get it. Zoro stretched his arms up, letting his back crack with an exhale and then lowered his arms, ready to continue. "I've had some rough sex where people touched a little harder than I would have liked, but I let them continue. It was my choice, I could have stopped it at any time, and it wasn't so bad." Johnny had apologized for days and Zoro had gotten free rum at the bars for weeks. "It was a lack of control on the other person's part." He smiled at Luffy. "Too much enthusiasm, not enough coordination. Not all sex is gonna be perfect."

Luffy examined his face carefully. Then he nodded and grinned. "So, what did Zoro like?"

If the damned cook didn't stop moaning about his virgin ears, Zoro was gonna have to go up there and slice out his vocal cords. "I actually still like sex with men better than sex with women, to be honest."

That shut them up. Zoro smirked at the non-sound of instant silence. Luffy looked puzzled again. "Sex with men?"

"Yeah. If you're a guy and you like guys, then usually you're called gay. If you're a woman who likes women, they're also gay but can also be called lesbians. I tend to like both for the most part for the person, but for sex, I'm more comfortable with men."

Somewhere in the galley, Usopp was gasping for breath. Zoro could recognize the wheeze from the sniper's numerous escape attempts from the battle field.

Luffy poked his foot. "Why?"

Zoro shrugged and decided to go with complete honesty. "Personal preference. Women always feel too breakable for me. And too emotional. I grew up pretty much alone save for my sensei and the other students – I don't understand a lot about what girls are always going on about. Guys are a little more straightforward, and they tend to have more muscle - I don't feel like I'm gonna crush them in my hands. I can relax more." He gave an internal smirk – give the cook another shock. "I've also found women tend to like the man to take control but I focus on control all the time with my training. In bed, sometimes I like to give it up, so that would be another reason."

Dead silence from the galley. Point, Zoro.

Luffy nodded his head up and down like a yo-yo. Then his eyes narrowed. "But men are the ship! They don't have an entry port!"

Zoro chuckled. At least Luffy was demonstrating is understanding of what Zoro was teaching him. "Technically, I guess you're right. But everyone has an exit port." He grinned at Luffy. "Think about it."

The younger teen thought about that for a moment, brow furrowed, gnawing on his upper lip. Then his eyes widened as he seemed to hit on what Zoro could mean – you could just about see the light bulb go off right over his head. Zoro was actually starting to feel proud of his student. "You mean my bum is an exit port? And a guy's ship can go there?"

And that was the sound of Usopp finally fainting, and Nami trying to breathe through the tablecloth. Robin had let out an actual laugh but Zoro felt it was directed at Luffy's enthusiastic answers rather than his teaching, so he ignored it.

"With the right amount of care and preparation, yeah." Zoro picked up another book and turned it to a page he'd marked previously. "There's something inside guys that feels really good when you touch it. Well, for some more than others. I like the feel of it but I'm not as sensitive as some of my partners were so I prefer to be the ship more often then the port."

Luffy was staring at the picture of the man's internals, showing the prostate and showing the angle it needed to be touched at. "Whoa..."

Zoro blinked and looked at Luffy worriedly. "Too much?"

"Maybe... maybe not too much... but a lot," Luffy said, squinting. "Um... what if I forget something..?"

"You can always ask me, Luffy," Zoro told him calmly. "We did cover a lot, and it's all new – which I still can't believe, but oh well. If I were you, I'd go relax for a while on the figurehead and think about it."

"Mmmm..." Luffy was still glancing at the books, eyes darting back and forth from the pregnant woman to the male's internals in amazement.

Zoro was about to get up and go tell the cowards in the galley he was done for the most part when a thought occurred to him. "Oh, Luffy?"


Nami would probably kill him for this. "If you're curious about some of this stuff, don't be afraid to experiment with yourself first. Knowing what you like makes it easier to tell a partner. But you do that stuff in private, okay?" Zoro pointed his finger at him sternly. "You don't see any of us touching ourselves in public, because it's private. And clean up after yourself."

"Clean up... oh! You mean because of the overflowing organ schisms and the seeds?"

"Yep." Zoro nodded his head at his captain. He got to his feet and turned to go towards the staircase.

"... Zoro?"

The swordsman paused and looked back. "Yeah, Luffy?"

Luffy looked up, his cheeks pink. He gave Zoro a wide grin. "Than you for telling me all this." He pulled his hat down, a bit shyly. "I guess it's not easy to talk about this if no one else wanted to tell me."

Zoro smiled back. He may not have wanted to do this to begin with, but he was actually glad he had now. It had gone better – in his opinion – than he had thought it would. "No problem, Luffy. It's stuff everyone should know when they grow up. Someone needed to tell you what the hell everyone else is doing when the lights go out."

Luffy blinked at that – and then burst out giggling. "Really?"

"I don't know what our crew does and I don't care," Zoro said with a smirk. "As long as it doesn't interrupt my nap."

Luffy laughed again and nodded, turning back to the books, reaching out a curious hand to flip the pages of the pregnancy book. He was still looking at it with a sense of awe.

Zoro paused again, one hand on the Sunny's railing, another thought passing through him."Luffy?" Zoro caught his captain's eye again. The rubber man quirked his head at him attentively. "If you're going to have sex with anyone, especially for your first time, technically you don't have to do this but..." Zoro sighed. "Would you please tell one of us? If you don't want to tell me, tell Usopp or Chopper or the girls or Franky – even the damn love cook. You can even just leave a note. But let us know where you are and who you're with, okay? First times can be scary sometimes, or go wrong. It's nothing to be embarrassed about, and I'd rather have an idea of what's going on so we can help you later if you need it."

Luffy looked surprised, but then his entire expression softened and he smiled back. "I understand. I promise to tell Zoro if I'm gonna do stuff with someone, but..." he hesitated, his blush growing a bit stronger. "I don't think I'm ready for that." He crossed his eyes. "I don't even remember half of what you said! I have to think!"

Zoro laughed. "That's fine. If all you really remember is to tell us, then that's enough. I can remind you then. And feel free to look through the books as much as you want. Just remember to return them to Robin when you're done. You can probably ask her questions as well if I can't for whatever reason."

Luffy nodded, and then picked up the books before scampering off in the direction of the figurehead. Zoro resumed his trek to the galley.


"I can't believe you said all that," Usopp gasped out, gaping at the swordsman as he entered the room. "I can't believe you said all of that with a straight face and without dying of embarrassment. I'm dying of embarrassment just from listening!"

"That's not my problem," Zoro said with a shrug. He strode over to the corner where the beer barrel stood on the counter and grabbed a mug. "I need a drink."

"Here." Zoro looked up and caught a flying bottle of rum from Sanji. He checked the label. It was a good bottle of rum. "I'd say you earned this." Sanji smirked. "Just this once."

"Thanks, pervert-cook." Zoro set the mug down and took the bottle to the table. Well damn – no heart attack from the cook. He missed all the fun.

Robin was smiling at him with what looked like approval in her eyes. "I believe you did an excellent job, Swordsman-san. Very simple and clinical, and yet personal enough to get Luffy to really listen to you. I don't think any one of us could have done a better job. I certainly will help answer any of Luffy's questions if he comes to me later. And I highly approve of the straightforward warnings you gave him regarding permission and respect."

There were nods all around at that, even a reluctant one from the cook.

"Zoro was amazing!" Chopper blurted out, stars shining in his eyes. "I wish I could have been told about sex like that! I had a vague idea from having reindeer instincts which was scary enough, but Doctorine told me about diseases first – all the bad things that can happen and accidents, and rape and all sorts of things." Chopper shuddered in revulsion at the obviously painful memory. "By the time she got down to the actual basics I was terrified to even think of touching a human even for an exam because I thought I'd be infected by a horrible disease!"

"Yeah, I have to admit, marimo - that was actually a lot better than hearing the cooks on the Baratie having sex in the storerooms or jacking off in their bunks," Sanji admitted with a red face. He lit a new cigarette, took a drag and exhaled a plume of grey-white smoke. "I went in for a sack of flour once and walked in on Zeff having sex with this woman who visited every other month – all I saw were her legs in the air, Zeff's hairy ass, and then his peg leg smashing me back into the hallway where I mercifully blacked out."

Nami burst out laughing. "That's horrible, Sanji!" She smiled ruefully. "I'm just grateful that Arlong and his men thought humans weren't worth thinking about in that way. Nojiko was told by the town nurse, and she tried to explain to me on one of my trips back home. She was so red in the face I thought she was going to explode. I didn't have the heart to tell her I already knew about sex – you'd surprised how many pirates take advantage of being alone on watch to indulge. I snuck past more people having sex than not. Hell, I knew more than I wanted to know about various pirate kinks by the time I was twelve!"

Well, that made Zoro feel a bit better. It was still disturbing to hear of his twelve-year-old Nakama learning about sex from pirates she was stealing from, but she seemed fine with it if her words were any indication. As the discussion had gone on, he'd briefly wondered about her. Now, he looked at Franky who was just coming back around. "What about you, Franky? Did Iceberg give you the talk?"

The cyborg grimaced. "OW, don't say that! That would have been almost worse than Kokoro! She and Tom gave a joint lecture – I couldn't look either of them in the face for almost a full month after!" Franky moaned, and Sanji slid a fresh bottle of chilled cola across the counter. Robin sprouted an arm to deposit it on the table before him and he thanked them both before popping the cap and slugging it down. "You do not want to hear about human sex from a mermaid and a fishman perspective. For the longest time I was convinced that baby bumps were giant eggs the woman had to spawn after nine months!"

A fresh explosion of laughter rocked the galley. Zoro tilted the bottle at Sanji again and then with a chuckle, he headed back outside. His captain was probably sitting on the figurehead trying to work things out and Zoro figured what the hell, he'd done the worst part. Least he could do was hang around in case Luffy needed more answers.

What else was a First Mate for?


Yeah, I just wanted to. :) My first One Piece fic. How'd I do? Also? The title is a parody. I'm trying to head off a thousand reviews asking what the hell it means.