Disclaimer: As usual, I own nothing of The Big Bang Theory or any of the characters I'm writing about. All the glory for their existence (and their current relationship status...ahem) goes to Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady, who are geniuses.
A/N: Thanks so much for reading and for all the kind reviews. Thanks also for your patience. I'm on vacation in Europe right now so have had very little time to write. Now that Sheldon is finally getting his chance to tell how he's been doing I'd love to hear what you think. I've also now written my first slightly steamy scene (can't call it smut, but still, it was new), so that's one barrier down! Hope you all enjoy!
"Sheldon, after consideration, I believe we may have acted rashly. I propose we resume our relationship and attempt to resolve our differences." She gave him a sly smile as she spoke.
Sheldon's eyes widened, his eidetic memory recognizing her perfect quotation of his declaration from so long ago. His voice quavered. "I'll agree to that only if you'll stipulate that 80% of our difficulties were caused by me."
She had expected his response, as well as the change he made at the end. She played along, both grinning now. "I'll go as high as 40."
Amy smiled and stretched out her legs along the couch where she and Sheldon had continued to cuddle for the past hour, sharing smiles and chaste kisses in silence. She shifted around in his arms, beaming brightly.
"So, does this mean we're engaged?" Amy grinned at him.
"Um, no…" Sheldon gave a small shake of the head, giving her a look she couldn't quite name.
Amy smiled up at him hopefully. "I mean I guess you haven't officially asked me yet, but the answer is yes." She winked at him. "When do you want to get married?"
"Amy, I'm not asking you to marry me right now."
"What?" Amy stared at him dumbfounded.
"Well, I think it's clear we have some things to work on first. I'm sorry, but I'm not sure it's the right time for us to get engaged."
"Sheldon, I told you, I believe that you're capable of responding to my wishes and needs. What I needed most was just to know that I was a priority in your life, and I see that now. We will figure out the rest. I'm confident in that." Amy reassured him.
"I'm glad to hear you say that." Sheldon confirmed.
"So, what's the problem?" Amy pressed.
"Well, I think…I guess…I'm not." Sheldon finally stated, looking sideways toward the kitchen, no longer willing to meet her eyes.
"Not what, Sheldon?"
"Not confident right now." His voice was barely more than a whisper.
"What? Why not? Please, talk to me." What was going on?
Sheldon sat up slowly, pushing her body gently ahead of him, separating them. "So from what I gather, part of this whole relationship…thing (he waved his hand about in the air as he searched for the word), is that we're supposed to share our feelings with each other, right? The gooey, mushy ones about love and…um, desire…and the less-pleasant ones as well?" he asked, casting a sideways glance at her. Amy nodded, her eyes scanning his face as he continued.
"Well, you have now shared your feelings with me."
"Yes." Another smile from Amy, encouraging him. Her sweet, encouraging smiles are far too powerful, making me feel as though I can do anything. I bet she could even get me to watch Babylon 5 with that smile. Oh no, she must never find out…I can't sit through that! Drat, focus Cooper.
"Well, now I think it is incumbent upon me to share some of my own."
"Please do." Amy looked at him quizzically, wondering what was to come.
"I feel…" Sheldon paused, his eyes flitting about the room. If she can do this, so can you. Face it, you're no Vulcan after all. You have feelings and apparently if this is going to work, she needs to know them, too. A long, deep breath out…Sheldon suddenly rose from the couch and started pacing the room.
Amy watching him apprehensively, suddenly nervous. Was he about to tell her he thought she was being ridiculous? She couldn't take this again. He couldn't just disregard her needs like this…
"I feel hurt, Amy. I…I feel betrayed." He stopped in front of his desk and faced her.
"What?" This was not at all what Amy expected to hear from him. "How have I betrayed you? I've always been so supportive of you, Sheldon. I've always tried to be understanding."
Sheldon sighed, briefly covering his face with both hands before sliding them down his face and off his chin. This had the effect of making him look even more tired than he had before. "You were right about how insensitive I was leaving the way I did on my train trip. Yes, I left. I skipped town, I said stupid and hurtful things before I left, but I apologized for those almost immediately from the train and you said you forgave me. But Amy, only my body left. I was gone physically, but my…well, my heart for lack of a better word, never left you. After those first few days I emailed you, called you, we Skyped. And I told you why I left. I trusted you to confide in you what I was thinking and feeling. I was still in this relationship, even from thousands of miles away."
"Ok…" said Amy hesitantly.
When you decided on this break, however, you left me body and heart. You wouldn't return my calls, wouldn't let me see you, wouldn't let me talk to you. I lost my girlfriend and my friend all in one. I had no one to help me understand. You didn't trust me enough to just tell me what was going on. You were 10 miles away but it might as well have been light years. You left me alone, hurt, and confused. You told me that considering going to Mars and leaving you alone here on Earth without discussing it with you was unacceptable. Ok, I get that. But you thought nothing of considering leaving me all alone without discussing it with me. You talked to other people about your feelings, and about us, but didn't let me in. I only heard how you felt tonight because you told Bernadette. Not me. You had reasons to be upset with me, I've told you I understand that. I'm serious about being a different man now, I hate the way I was to you and you will see a change. But you should have talked to me. This relationship has 2 people in it, Amy…or it did until you shut me out."
Sheldon lowered himself into his desk chair, realizing he was shaking by the time he was finished speaking. Good Lord it was much harder to be hot-blooded and passionate than it was to be cool and logical; no wonder the Vulcans invented Kolinahr. Everyone said that sharing your feelings felt good. Well, that was clearly hokum. This felt awful.
Amy looked at him in shock. Her brain searched for a way to dispute what he was saying, but she found none. "Sheldon, you're right. I told you I was deluding myself, trying to convince myself that I didn't matter to you because I thought we didn't want the same things. I was wrong. I should have talked to you." Amy stood and crossed the room to stand before him where he sat in his desk chair. She put her arms on his shoulders, linking them behind his neck. "Sheldon, I'm very, very sorry. I hope you can forgive me. We want the same things, we belong together. I know that now. I love you. I want to marry you. I want to be with you." She leaned down to place a light kiss on his lips, then another and another. Sheldon's arms snaked around her waist and he rose from his seat as they pulled each other close, deepening the kisses.
Three weeks of missing each other, of uncertainty, of love poured between them. Each knew they had unintentionally hurt the other and they apologized with their bodies, lips joining and parting over and over, tongues caressing and twisting together, sharing breath, heat, longing. Their hands slid across flushed skin, the heat pouring through the fabric of their clothing; Sheldon's hands moving from Amy's waist, splaying across her back, moving up to grasp her shoulders, grip the back of her head, wind through her hair, Amy's clinging to his biceps, running across his chest, worrying at the short hairs at the back of his neck. As Sheldon drew her closer to plunder her lips with more fervor their bodies pressed together fully, and for the first time she felt the proof of the words he had spoken to her Is that? Oh my god... It was. There it was, his need, his passion for her pressing against her stomach. Why have we never kissed like this standing up before? I would have known...oh merciful heavens. A hunger like she had never known gripped Amy, running like ice through her chest and downward, blossoming into fire as it hit the pit of her stomach. She could feel the delicious heat of him even through her layers, and pressed herself even closer to him, desperate to feel more. Her movements elicited a groan from Sheldon and her entire body trembled at the sound, the fire in her stomach becoming an inferno. Good lord, he was so CLOSE and he wanted her. Oh, how he wanted her. She wanted to laugh, and cry, and dance and shout from the mountaintops. They loved each other, and they wanted each other. They could have it all. Amy felt like she could fly.
Sheldon's senses where overwhelmed with Amy. The feel of her, her scent, her warmth, he was lost and found, emboldened and terrified, it was all bliss and fear and longing and love...and he couldn't get enough. She pulled back slightly to take a breath and he took the opportunity to dive into her neck, kissing, sucking, licking, anything he could do to taste more of her. He needed more. He trailed a line of kisses from her earlobe to the base of her neck, relishing the feel of her racing pulse under his lips. He could feel himself losing control, his grip on himself slipping of out his grasp, but he wasn't sure if he cared. He faintly remembered he had wanted to maintain control. Why? He honestly couldn't remember. Good grief, it was so good, who cared? He found a delightful little hollow where her clavicle met her neck and he traced it with his tongue, swirling it around. This elicited a throaty moan from Amy and she ground her body against his, making him quake. At that delicious sensation a bolt of electricity shot through Sheldon's body and he pulled away abruptly, remembering why he had to regain himself, resting his forehead against hers, breathing hard.
"Oh Sheldon…" she sighed longingly, staring deep into his lust-darkened eyes. I can't believe this is happening. This is really, really happening. Oh my god. "Amy," he panted "I – I can't…"
Amy felt as though he had dumped a bucket of ice water over her body. "What? Why? I thought you wanted this. I know you want this."
Sheldon nodded, closing his eyes, his forehead still on hers. When he spoke again he remained so close that his breath flowed over her lips.
"You know that my entire life I have actively avoided emotional and certainly physical entanglements with anyone. This is not because I am incapable of making conversation, finding common ground with others, or even building relationships. Rather, it has been a kind of self-preservation, or protection, if you will."
"From what, exactly?" Amy asked, her curiosity definitely piqued, but having no idea why he was bringing this up now. All she knew is that the moment had definitely passed, so she took his hand and gently pulled him backwards, intending to lead him to the couch. Instead it was Sheldon who led her. His hands on her shoulders he gently pushed her down, not in her spot, but in his. He dropped to one knee before her on the carpet, holding her hands and looking deeply into her eyes. She understood that whatever he was about to say to her was of the utmost importance.
"Amy, as you know my eidetic memory affords me the ability to recall any information I wish at any time. But what you may not realize is it not limited to only information or basic facts about experiences I have had. I can also perfectly recall details, thoughts, feelings, smells, sounds. What's more, not only can I do so, but in fact I find I have no choice in doing so. For example, simply acknowledging difficulties from my childhood results in reliving them, if you will."
"Wow, Sheldon, I never realized. That must be so difficult for unpleasant memories. But it must be amazing for happy ones, as well. I can't wait to give you many more happy memories to relive." She winked at him, thinking of where their kisses were leading just moments ago.
"Yes, I've long thought my memory is both my superpower and my burden to bear for the greater good of humanity. But only recently have I realized that even the happy memories can be a burden." His brow furrowed as he spoke.
"How so?" Where was he going with this? Instead of replying Sheldon held her gaze for a moment longer, before dropping her hands and popping to his feet. He resumed his earlier pacing, as if unable to keep still.
"When you left on our anniversary, when you…broke up with me," his voice cracked, "I could remember everything. I couldn't stop myself from remembering everything. Every moment, every smile, the joy of our friendship, the sound of your voice, the feeling when you said you love me..." He ran his hands back and forth over his hair, leaving bits standing on end."The touch of your lips, the taste of your breath, the warmth of your body under my hands, the feel of your hands on me." His voice was rough, a combination between sexy and anguished.
Amy gasped, realizing what he was describing, trying to imagine what it would be like to experience everything again, in fast forward.
He turned to meet her eyes, his gaze steady yet desperate, more so than she had ever seen. "All of it Amy, I could feel it all and I didn't think I'd ever get to have any of it again. Nothing in my life has ever made me feel like that. I…I can't do it again, it has been tearing me apart. And if we went further, if we…" Sheldon let out a long sigh through pursed lips, trying to slow his words and get control of his pounding heart, "if we made love and I lost you again…those memories, forever…I'm…I'm not sure I would recover." He looked so frightened, so vulnerable that her heart broke. She had had no idea…no, that wasn't true. She hadn't bothered to think what he might be going through. All that time he had tried to get in contact with her. She thought he was intentionally trying to drive her crazy and pressure her. She never considered that he was dying inside. Oh god…what had she done? The one thing they had always done was communicate honestly with each other. She knew better than anyone what it had taken for him to get to where they were. What the hell had she been doing? And suddenly Amy understood perfectly what he was trying to tell her. Something had shifted in their relationship when she had done what she did. He couldn't be with her until he believed she wouldn't leave again. She was now the flight risk. Oh, how the tables had turned.
Amy flew off the sofa and threw her arms around Sheldon. "Oh, Sheldon. I don't even know what to say. I was so, so selfish. I – "
"No." He interrupted her. "We're not going to do this. We both made mistakes and we were both hurting. All is forgiven. I just need to be sure. I will prove to you that I can be what you need. You will help me, and we will get there. I promise."
"And I promise you Sheldon, I'm not going anywhere. Never again. You'll see."
He nodded, pulling her into him, giving her a gentle, lingering kiss that took her breath away before wrapping her in his arms again, her head on his chest. Yes, she knew. They would get there.
A/N: I think this may be the end of this story. When I set out to write it I had no idea how long it would be...all I had to start in my mind was Sheldon's exclamation from the party, and a sincere desire to see our Shamy come back to one another. The rest just grew from there. I have a couple other ideas in my head about ways they might get back together (most have been or are about to be blown away by cannon, but still fun to think about), so I may shift to those ideas. Thanks so much for reading, you guys have really made my first story a lot of fun to write!