The Saga of the Incompetent Few - By Novek Dace (Novek Dace), Anonymous Matt (Lord Tarquin), Fishboy (Baron Schnitzel) and Table Leg (Azrael). Majorly edited by Novek Dace. Diablo is (c) Blizzard Entertainment, Vivendi, whatever. The game, that is. Not Diablo himself...That'd just be...Weird. Yeah. Diablo is (c) the Nine Circles Of Hell. That's a good band name...Shut up now Dace. Right. K.


Novek Dace swung her Hellslayer with great force, lopping off Baal's head in one swooping arc. The demon fell to the ground, squeaking and screaming like a woman. He then, oddly enough, decided to have a nice conversation with our barbarian heroine. He started off by asking her if she'd like a rune.

Part 1

Chapter 1

Dace looked a bit bemused,

"Um, you have no head.." She pointed, "But..can I have a Zod?"

"Uh.I only have up to Shael."

"Damn," said Dace, "I'll have that then!"

Then Dace realised that it wasn't actually Baal.

"Oh my God! Tarq! I cut your head off!" Tarquin's body stood up then shed itself,

"I'm OK.It's just a costume." he grinned stupidly. Dace cursed under her breath.

"Tarq, damnit, don't do that!"

"I'm sorry Dace." Tarq replied.

"We should get on with finding Baal before the world is utterly destroyed.."

"Erm.Well..I had other plans. I mean, I don't think I can go without my cream."

Dace raised an eyebrow,

"Ew?" she was pretty grossed-out by that last comment.

"What? Have I got jaundice again?"

"Doesn't matter..You coming or not?"


Our heroes set off on their journey. Dace stopped suddenly and poked Tarquin, who stopped as well,

"Did you hear that narrative voice in the background..? Or was it just me?"

"Yup. Thought it was just me though. I hear voices all the time. Little redheaded Necromancers tell me to kill people." "What the.?"

"I'm pig-ignorant. Dun worry." He replied thickly, grinning like an idiot on pot (which he most likely was.).

Dace kicked at the dust,

"So we're heroes then?"

Out of habit, Tarquin scratched his bollocks a bit,

"Yeah, guess so."

Dace put a hand to her forehead,


The whole room began to shake.

"Um.I think it's time we left." Said Dace, keeping surprisingly calm. She turned and ran, but soon turned back to see Tarquin staring idly at the ceiling, still scratching,

"Tarq! Damnit!"

Dace ran from the room, yelling,

"Tarquin! Come on, you idiot!" She had run about seven hundred metres (a safe distance when you have a falling temple) when she stopped and checked behind her. Tarquin hadn't followed, so, being a valiant barbarian (the world's only female barbarian warrior), she returned to collect him.

She found him in the exact same spot she had left him; he seemed to be talking to himself whilst still disgustingly itching his balls - she would have to find a cure for his low self-esteem. The room around them fell - several times Dace had to move, as to avoid being flattened by tons of falling rubble - but still Tarquin stood, completely un-harmed. Once the dust had cleared and the room was silent, Dace saw before her that Tarquin was completely un-scratched - it looked like his penis had saved him again.

Dace shook her head,

"It's not fair. It's really not. I work and work and you just have this magic penis that saves you all the time! Not fair." She blinked, "Not that I want your magic penis. Ew." With that, she grabbed Tarquin's arm and dragged him out of the room,

"Let's go find Baal. Maybe he can fix your bollocks-insecurity problem." she muttered sarcastically.

"Don't worry Dace! Your clitoris eyes will save you some time. I'm sure of it!"

"I don't have fricking clitoris eyes!!!!!" Dace raged, punching Tarquin full in the face, knocking him unconscious,

"Hahaha...Suck on that penis-nose!" and with that, she pulled out her Cruel Colossus Blade of the Leech and her Stormshield ((Hahaha.. Don't you wish you had them too? Ed)). and set off to find Baal.