My heart is pounding so loudly that I'm sure everyone in the room can hear it as I rush up to the desk. I had spent a many of days and nights with my heart leaping into my throat every time the phone rang. Less than twenty minutes prior I received the call that I always feared would come, except it came at a time when I didn't have to worry about you.
I am rushed through the ER to your room. They are briefing me on what has happened and what to expect when we arrive there. Apparently you lost control of the car and went down an embankment and struck a tree. The impact was solely on the driver side but was there was so much force behind it that it spun the car around and impacted a second time. The force of the impact caused the car to almost fold in two and required the Jaws of Life to remove you. .
"Mrs. Benson" The doctor said pulling me from my thoughts.
Mrs. Benson is a name I haven't heard in a while and one that I thought I would never hear again. What no one knows is that we are separated and have been for the last year and a half. There are divorce paper's drawn up to end our marriage but neither one of us can seem to sign them. But I know, even though it kills me, that you are seeing someone else the same as me.
As the doctor opens the curtain to allow me into your room I feel my breath leave my body and it takes all I have not to hit the floor. Your once beautiful face is swollen and full of cuts. There is dried blood in your hair and shards of glass sticking out of your skin all over. There is gauze under your neck where you are bleeding and a brace is on your neck to keep you immobile.
The only sounds that fill the room, besides my sob that I am choking back, is the constant beeping of the machines constantly checking your vitals. A few times you cry out and your voice is so full of pain that it shatters my already broken heart. I have seen you shot, stabbed, beaten, and almost raped and have never heard the sounds that I hear now. Even the night I admitted I was having an affair and you broke down you never sounded like this.
As a nurse enters the room you began to fight. You have an unnatural fear of strangers that has only intensified over the years with the job. Today when simply wearing a badge makes you a target it's a valid fear and one that has saved you more times than either of us will ever admit. I quickly rush to your side hoping that I can calm you before you cause even more damage.
"Shhh" I whisper as I reach out and carefully take your hand in mine "It's only a nurse.'
"Let me out of here" You cry as you try to move off the bed.
I rub my thumb across your hand in a comforting manner and I'm thankful that it sooths you. You have always had a fear of hospitals that has stemmed from your child hood. Your mother was an alcoholic that drank to forget the reason for your existence. You have told me numerous stories of how you had come home from school or a night out to find your mother passed out and covered in vomit. How, as a young girl, you spent more times than anyone, especially a child, pacing the ER waiting room praying that this wouldn't be the end.
It is after your second heart wrenching cry that I scream for a nurse to give you something for the pain. They tell me that nothing has been ordered because they are waiting on the results of the CAT scan. They are terrified that there is a head injury and if they give you something they could possibly cause irreparable damage.
I clench my fist and feel my nails dig into my hand as I fight the urge to reach across and knock this little bitch into the wall. How can she stand there and watch you in pain without caring is beyond me. Even though we are separated I still love you with all my heart and I never want to see you in pain. If I could swap places with you I would just to spare you the pain, lord knows I have caused you enough already.
My head snaps toward the bed and I see your right eye darting around as if trying to find me. I rush to your side once again and lean over so you can see me..
"I'm sorry" you choke out as a tear falls from your eye.
I struggle to smile without breaking down as I run my fingers through your hair. I feel a piece of glass cut my palm but I don't care. The only thing that matters is you. As I tell you that there is nothing to worry about a young woman with long brown hair slightly lighter than yours walks into the room. At first I think she is another nurse or even possibly a doctor until she begins to cry and rushes to your side.
That when it hits me.
This is your girlfriend.
The woman, whose arms I sent you running to.
The woman, who I want to kill with my bare hands but I can't because every bit of this is my fault.
So I do the only thing I can do. I release your hand and start to walk away. I know I am still legally your wife but I don't deserve to be here. I ruined that that fateful night. I'm almost to the door when I hear you call my name. I turn around in time to see you trying to sit up and her pushing on your shoulders ordering you to stop it in a harsh voice. Before I can even make it back to you she is calling a nurse and demanding that you be restrained to the bed.
That is when I lose it.
"GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE." I say in the most controlled voice I can manage through clenched teeth "You never restrain an officer's hands, especially hers."
"I don't know why you're even here." She states standing her ground "You cheated on her remember."
The words hit me like a sucker punch to my gut. I know she's right and I should be the one walking away but I refuse to allow her to restrain you. Since your attempted rape you can't stand anything that confines your wrists or movements. It reminds you of being handcuffed in the basement of Sealview.
I reach out and take your hand and gently caress it, instantly calming you. I won't lie there is a piece of me that breathes a sigh of relief knowing I have a more calming effect on you than she does. Once I know you will not try to get off the gurney again I glare at her.
"We may be separated but I am still legally her wife. By the simple fact that you do not know to never restrain her wrists tells me you are nothing more than a piece of ass. Any and all decisions about her care will be my decision, not yours, not ours, Mine."
She looks shocked that I would talk to her in such a way, but I no longer care. The one thing I have realized standing there holding your bloodied hand and staring at your bruised face is that I love you more than life itself. I will walk through hell and back to beg for your forgiveness for my one night of pure stupidity.
"What happened?" I hear you ask pulling my eyes from the woman across from me and back down to you. Every time I look at your face I want to cry but I know if I did it will cause you even more distress.
"You were in a bad accident" I whisper as I quickly motion with my eyes for the other woman to leave. No one will understand how thankful I am when she walks out without any more arguments. "You went down an embankment and hit a tree." I see the terror in your eyes as you realize that you could have hurt someone "Honey it was only you involved in the accident." You instantly relax hearing that information and close your eyes.
I start to release your hand so I can find a doctor but you grip it so tightly I fear you are cutting off circulation. I pull the chair over closer to the bed and just as I go to sit down the doctor comes in.
"Mrs. Benson?" He asks as he pulls the curtain closed behind him.
I swallow past the lump that is quickly forming in my throat from the look on his face. Closing my eyes I stand straighter never once releasing her hand.
"I'm her wife, Alex."
He smiles kindly at me as he takes a deep breath "She has multiple fractures to the face and her jaw is broken in two places. Her chest is severely bruised and she has a total of nine broken ribs. At this time there is no bleeding on the brain or swelling of the brain which is great. There is a chance that her brain is bruised but that will heal. We have a plastic surgeon coming in to perform her surgery and an oral surgeon as well that will wire her jaw shut."
I quickly cover my mouth again and bite my lower lip. There is nothing I want more than to scream and yell how unfair this is. This woman, this beautiful woman, had already been through so much in her life and now this. She didn't deserve this.
I deserved all her pain and then some.
I feel a squeeze of my hand and glance down at Olivia. She is trying her best to smile at me and gives me a wink with her right eye. I couldn't help but smile and laugh slightly seeing this. Only Olivia would be on her death bed and try to make me smile and not worry.
"It'll be fine I promise." I whispered hoping that she couldn't hear the fear in my voice but I knew she could. I could tell it with the way that she looked at me. She was always able to read me before we started dating and became even better at it afterwards.
"Please don't leave me" she pleaded with me as she once again struggled to sit up.
Her pleas shatter any resolve I have of not breaking down in front of her.
"I'm sorry, Alex." She cries as she tries her best to get to me. "I'm sorry"
"No baby, lay still before you cause more damage." I whisper as I coach her once again to lay down and be still. I stare into her brown orb that is so full of pain, not only from the accident but what I have put her through, that I want to kill myself.
Before I can say anything else the curtain is jerked back and there is a team of nurses there ready to roll you away. The quickness of the surgery terrifies me and I can't help but wonder if they aren't telling me something.
I jog beside your gurney as they rush you down the hall before they stop and tell me that I can't go any farther. I nod in understanding as I lean down and place a kiss on your forehead before the doors open and you are once again ripped from me.
Your pain filled cries for me to come with you is my ultimate undoing in all this. That is the sound that I know will haunt me for the rest of my life. It is also the sound that has made me determined to right what I have wronged and be with the woman who holds my heart.
The basis of this story comes from an experience I had over the weekend. I had a former co-worker that was involved in an accident as described. Him and his wife are currently separated and have both been seeing other people. I decided to write our two ladies as what happened between my brother in blue and his family. I know some are pissed about them being apart but like I told his wife. This is the chance for them to make it right.