Disclaimer: I do not own any portion of The Big Bang Theory or its characters. Bill Prady and Chuck Lorre do, and hopefully the will give soon begin mining the rich soil of potential Shamy over-sharing coital humor. Until then, I'm here.
A/N: Reminder: this is just a little series of disconnected snippets that have been running around in my head. Sheldon said in S9 E1 "We make everyone feel awkward, that's our thing!" That got me thinking about how much more awkward "their thing" could become for everyone else if they approach their intimate relationship in the same straightforward manner they approach so much series began before Opening Night Excitation so veers off from the canon plotline just before that. The series does, however, occur sometime after Sheldon and Amy have consummated their relationship. Hope you enjoy!
Amy smiled as she settled more deeply into Sheldon's side, enjoying the feeling of his arm around her shoulders as some dopey space movie played on the television. It really didn't matter what they watched if she could sit here like this all evening. She let her mind drift to the latest results of her study, analyzing and re-analyzing the data, evaluating her new hypothesis and thinking of other experiments she could design to attempt to prove her ideas. Maybe the Research Ethics office will give us clearance to try- her reverie was interrupted by the opening door as Leonard and Penny entered the apartment. She felt Sheldon tense up as he pointed the remote at the DVD player and hit pause. He cast her a slightly uncomfortable look and she felt the undercurrent of nervous anticipation. She offered him a small, hopefully reassuring, smile before turning to her bestie and producing a larger, fake, one. "Hello! How was dinner?"
"Eih," Penny shrugged. "The food was ok. I wouldn't go there again. The drinks were stiff, though, so the evening wasn't a total loss. How's the movie?"
"Wonderful." "Ok." Sheldon and Amy answered at the same time.
Leonard grinned at them. "We'll get out of your hair. We thought we'd go to bed early and, uh, read." Penny winked at him and walked down the hall toward their room. Leonard opened the fridge and grabbed a water bottle, pausing to open it and take a drink. He started to put the cap on, then froze. "Sheldon?" Amy's heart skipped a beat. This was it. "What the hell is this?!"
"I believe it is a bottle of supposedly 'natural' spring water," Sheldon replied, allowing his trademark condescension to cover his nerves. "Unless you are referring not to your beverage but to the appliance from which you removed it, in which case it is a refrigerator."
"Not that," Leonard said, exasperated. "That," he jabbed his finger toward a rectangle of white on the door.
"Oh," Sheldon said in mock surprise. "That's a new chart." Amy could see him looking toward her out of the corner of her eye, but she avoided turning to meet his gaze.
"I can see that," Leonard declared. "What is it doing on our fridge? You can't possibly think you're keeping this here."
"I do," Sheldon replied simply, not meeting his eyes.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, the...um...roommate agreement, section...uh...whatever...says we can't 'add any additional magnets, decorations or other accoutrements to the front or side of the fridge without a vote'." Leonard looked inordinately pleased with himself as he folded his arms and tilted his chin up towards Sheldon.
Sheldon narrowed his eyes and stood, no longer sheepish now that there were hard facts to present. "No. You forgot that Section 3 Paragraph 12 of The Roommate Agreement, besides barring unnecessary additions, clearly specifies that 'Sheldon Cooper may post one, and only one, Biological Process Chart on the apartment refrigerator.' If you will recall I had originally defined this clause as specifically allowing my Bowel Movement Chart, but you insisted on changing terminology because, and here I quote you yourself, Leonard, 'The word bowel should never be written anywhere. It's bad enough it's on my fridge, I don't want it in any documents I sign.' The language is yours. It is true that heretofore I have used this clause to allow me to post a monthly Bowel Movement calendar, but you will note that it has been removed and replaced with the current calendar, which means I am operating within the legal bounds of our agreement. Copulation, as much as excretion, is indeed a biological process. If you doubt the validity of my point I suggest you consult my girlfriend, the neurobiologist." Sheldon inclined his head towards Amy, still seated in her place on the couch, folded his arms across his chest and regarded the shorter man defiantly.
Leonard continued to stare at Sheldon. As usual, his logic was sound. And as usual, it pissed Leonard off all the more. "You know what, Sheldon? You're right. You can post your creepy chart on the fridge. I can't stop you. But you know what I can do? I can leave. I don't have to stay here and deal with this. I'm a married man with an apartment of my own. I honestly don't even know why I've stayed this long. Keep your chart, Penny and I are moving out this weekend." He stalked off down the hall to notify his wife of his decision.
Sheldon made his way back across the living room to the couch and sat down next to his girlfriend, who was watching him closely. He let out a long, slow breath before turning to Amy, his face breaking into a smile. "It's about time!"
Amy smiled back at him, relieved. "I told you that would put him over the edge."
"Yes, you were absolutely correct," Sheldon confirmed. "You brain monkeys really know human behavior," he stated in admiration, shaking his head. "Most impressive, Dr. Fowler."
"Why thank you, Dr. Cooper," she smirked, leaning close to him and enunciating this title in the way she knew he liked as her lips came teasingly close to his, her hand resting on his upper thigh.
Sheldon gave her a disappointingly brief peck on the lips before rising from the couch. "They haven't moved out YET, Little Lady," he reminded, holding out his hand to invite her to stand as well. "Tea?"
Amy hid her dismay and rose to join him. "Yes, please." Of course he was right, starting a make-out session on the couch right now wasn't the best idea. They moved into the kitchen and she pulled down cups and the tea box while Sheldon set the kettle on to boil.
Just then Leonard emerged from the hallway, accompanied by sound of a slamming door as Penny flew into the room, carrying an armload of the clothes she had been keeping in Leonard's room. "A sex chart? Really, Sheldon? Gross." She went straight through the living room and was out the door without another word. As Leonard, carrying his own armload, reached the door to follow her, Penny briefly stuck her head back in and offered a pitying smile at Amy. "We'll talk tomorrow, Ames. Are you ok?" Sheldon can be such an ass, poor Amy was what she was clearly thinking.
"Yes, thank you," it was all Amy could do to bite back a laugh. Yet she was worried how Sheldon would actually handle it if Leonard and Penny were, in fact, leaving the apartment for good. Was this really happening?
As if to answer her internal question Leonard stopped by the door briefly and turned to face Sheldon. "We'll get the rest on Saturday." A pause, the weight of the moment settling in. Leonard seemed to reconsider his anger, but not his actions. "We're ok, right Buddy?"
"Of course," Sheldon replied with a curt nod, and then Leonard was gone, the door clicking shut loudly, the room silent for a moment until the kettle began to whistle. Amy felt momentarily conflicted. This had been the plan all along. It had even been her idea when Sheldon was complaining again about sharing his space with both Hofstadters. Find something so objectionable that it was sure to make Leonard snap: create the proverbial straw to break the camel's back. And it had worked. Beautifully, actually. But would Sheldon be as excited now that it had happened as he was when they had cooked up the idea? Would he resent her if he wasn't?
"Um, Sheldon?" she ventured, grabbing his attention as he reached for the steaming kettle. "Are you doing ok?"
Sheldon looked at her in surprise. "Of course," he stated again, as he had just done with Leonard. But then, looking at Amy and realizing she was concerned for him, he went on. "Amy, I have coddled Leonard and catered to his every whim for far too long. It is time that little bird left the nest and learned how to fly."
Amy smiled at her boyfriend's description of the mens' relationship, knowing that everyone else on the planet would see it as the exact opposite. Yet his unique way of looking at the world was unquestionably one of the things she loved most about him (when it wasn't one of the things driving her craziest about him.) She decided that, incredibly, he did indeed seem ok with the events of the evening and she would stop worrying and enjoy being alone with him at last. As Sheldon busied himself with prepping their tea she wandered idly over to the fridge to inspect the paper that started it all. Magneted onto the fridge, in the spot formerly occupied by the infamous bowel movement chart, was a paper entitled Coital Activity Calendar. It bore the name of the month in large font and underneath was neatly divided into 31 numbered squares. In many of the boxes Sheldon's tidy script detailed various sexual activities and positions that were meant to be –
"Sheldon!" Amy cried involuntarily as her eyes scanned the page.
There was a clatter as he dropped the spoon he had been stirring with into a mug in fright at her sudden cry. "What?!" Then as the spoon's impact caused hot water to splop out of the mug and onto his bare hand: "Ow! Dear lord! What?!"
"Did – " oh my god tell me he didn't "- did you detail our actual activities on this chart?!" her voice rose in pitch, sounding slightly strangled.
Sheldon's brow furrowed in confusion. "Of course," he replied for the 3rd time that evening. He turned to the sink and ran cold water over his scalded hand. "Look what you made me do."
"You recorded all the sexual activities we have engaged in this month and wrote them on the fridge for Leonard to see?!" Amy was nearly shouting now.
"Yes," Sheldon replied simply, turning off the water. He turned to her, finally noticing she seemed upset. "I thought that was the point." He was more confused than ever. Why on earth should she be upset? This was all her idea. And it was a brilliant one.
"No," Amy spoke through slightly clenched teeth, drawing breath through her nose, trying not to shout at her clueless boyfriend. "The point was to make him think that is what you did. I thought you would just make up some things to write down." Leonard had seen all that? Oh no, this was mortifying!
"But I didn't need to make anything up. I remember exactly what we did," he said, still not sure why she was upset.
"I know, I know, Mr. I Have An Eidetic Memory I'm So Much Smarter Than Everyone Else," her voice was rising again and she knew she was being mean but she couldn't stop herself. It was just so embarrassing to think someone knew all the intimate details of – Sheldon's voice interrupted her internal monologue as she felt him take her hand.
"Amy Farrah Fowler, get a hold of yourself, woman!" he exclaimed. His voice, however was kind. "Yes, my eidetic memory is one thing that likely helps makes me smarter than most people, but even without an eidetic memory I would remember the things we do together." He looked at her intently. "I apologize if my actions were not what you expected. I'm not ashamed of any of the activities we engage in and thus never thought to lie about them on the calendar. If you are worried about what Leonard thinks, don't be. I'm not."
She gazed into his guileless blue eyes and knew he meant every word. His touched had calmed her and his words warmed her. She took a deep breath and nodded. "Ok," she smiled at him, touched as his sweetness, whether intentional or not. "And Sheldon," she laid her own hand on his arm to still him as he began to turn back to the counter, "thank you." He smiled back and planted a light kiss on her forehead before turning to finish cleaning up the sloshed water and dispose of their teabags.
Amy let her eyes roam back over the posted calendar, savoring the memories of the wonderful times listed. No, even without an eidetic memory she wouldn't forget, either. She sighed happily and was about to suggest they return to their movie when something caught her eye. Huh?
"Um, Sheldon..." she began, "I think there is a problem with your calendar..."
"How so?" he asked, not even looking up as he lifted a mug in each hand and started towards the sofa.
"We've, um, never done this..." she said, pointing at a square. She felt her pulse speed up at the mere thought of the actions written there.
"Oh, yes, well..." Amy turned to see a smirking Sheldon. "I think you better check the date on that square," he said, winking at her.
Did he just WINK at me? What the - ? Amy quickly turned back to the calendar. Today. It was written on today. Her wide eyes swiveled to Sheldon who suddenly seemed to be standing very close to her. He took another step, his long arms reaching on either side of her and setting their cups down on the counter behind. "Did you really want that tea?" His voice was low, his eyes locked on hers. His hands remained on the edge of the counter, effectively pinning her between his arms.
"No," she shook her head, swallowing hard, suddenly feeling out of breath. "No, not at all."
Sheldon gazed down at her with an expression that made her legs turn to jelly. "Good," he said softly, looking between her lips and her eyes in a way that reminded her powerfully of the first time he kissed her. That night she had stood in shock wondering if he was about to do it again, but he hadn't. This time he did not disappoint. When his lips met hers Amy thought her legs might give out, but his arms were already there, wrapped tightly around her, pulling her close. Within minutes Sheldon's hands had moved to the buttons on her cardigan, hastily undoing each. Without breaking apart they moved in unison out of the kitchen to head towards the bedroom. As they passed the fridge Amy managed to snake her hand out and pull the chart from its surface, crumpling it and dropping it in the trash as they went by. Some things really were meant to be kept private.
Author's Note: Lenny need to move out of 4A, right? How great would it be if it is Sheldon himself who finally tells them it's time to go? I want that to happen on the show SO BADLY! Thanks for reading! Review and let me know what you think. Any other great ideas for how Sheldon can get Lenny out of 4A (and hopefully move Amy in soon after)?