Disclaimer: I own nothing except an overactive imagination, and way too many plot bunnies.
Made Me Believe
It's late, too late to do anything but sleep really, but Kurt's too wound up to relax. Sleep doesn't come easily these days, and some nights it just...doesn't. Tonight is looking like the latter.
He could go to bed anyway, but chances are he'll just toss and turn. And even if he could make his body still and heavy, that's not the issue. It's his head that's keeping Kurt up, buzzing like a bee hive. It's too loud, and Kurt doesn't know how to silence it. Nor, as it were, does he know how to interpret the screaming.
It's...muffled, he guesses, if that word can even be used for such a loud noise.
So he does the only thing he can think of: he cleans.
Or rather he goes through the belongings he still has here, in his old bedroom. They got left behind when he moved to New York in the first place, and then overlooked every time he returned, because there was always something else to think about.
He's got nothing better to do now though.
A lot of them get put to the side to throw away, or donate in the case of clothes, but then there's the box of things that in one way or another signified him and Blaine. Notes, photos, ticket stubs... A little bit of this and that, left safely behind when he hadn't known where he would end up staying.
The plan had been to take that box back to New York on his first visit home, only by then there had been no need for it, because he'd broken up with Blaine. So, instead Kurt had brought back the few items he'd taken with him, and placed them in the box. Impractical, sure, but he hadn't been ready for anything else.
In one corner he finds the gum wrapper ring, and Kurt picks it up, and places it on his finger. His heart beats faster for a little while, and he feels warm all over. Blaine is going to propose tomorrow. It's supposed to be a secret, yes, but really. It might be the worst kept secret in Lima. That's okay though, because this way Kurt can get used to the idea.
Blaine will want to get married soon, he suspects, and chances are Kurt'll graduate NYADA as Mr Anderson-Hummel. Just Anderson, a voice tells him, and Kurt scrunches his nose a bit. Give up his last name completely? It feels...wrong. But, if that's what Blaine wants, then isn't that's what Kurt should do? Yes. Yes, it is.
Well, that's settled then.
Kurt holds out his hand in front of himself, looking at the ring and trying to imagine what it'll look like with an actual engagement ring. Then he gets caught up in imagining the ring, or rings really, because there's two of them – he's got so many ideas as to what he'll want, and he's practically giddy with excitement at the thought of going to pick them out with Blaine.
For now though there is no real ring – because no, the gum wrapper ring, as sweet as the thought is, doesn't actually count – and the one he has needs to go back into it's box so it doesn't get damaged. Soon, just... Not yet. He'll wear it for a little longer, and then place it by his bed so he remembers to bring it with him to New York.
I never should have left the ring here in the first place. It's a symbol of our love – no wonder things got so bad when I treated it with such disrespect.
Kurt swallows down the shame, and blinks back tears. It's been so long, and they're past all that now. Surely there's no need to punish himself further. Blaine had forgiven him, hadn't he?
There's a lump in his throat and Kurt feels like crap, and he just can't deal with any of this any more. He still has a couple of Ambien left, for emergencies, and he's beginning to think that this counts. He needs to be well-rested tomorrow after all, to look his best as he accepts Blaine's proposal while looking suitably surprised.
But. He doesn't quite like the feeling of needing pills to sleep. Maybe he should try something else first.
Carole always keeps a couple of boxes of herbal tea in the kitchen, for various purposes, or at least she used to. There's no reason to think she's changed that habit, which means there's probably something there meant to calm him down and make it easier for him to fall asleep. And if not, or if it doesn't work? Well. That's when to bring out the Ambien.
Just the act of making the tea is soothing, and Kurt's beginning to think he'll sleep unmedicated when he sees a shadow in the doorway and spooks. The mug in his hand wobbles, and hot tea spills all over his hand.
It hurts, and the tears start at once, but Kurt's been here before unluckily. So, he steps over to the sink and runs ice-cold water over his abused hand. It's red, and throbbing, but it doesn't look – or feel – as if he'll need to go to the hospital. That's good. With a little luck he'll even be able to try out rings tomorrow without pain.
Speaking of rings though...
The gum wrapper ring is a soggy mess on his finger, clearly beyond all salvation. Kurt feels a tendril of shame run through him at the thought of having ruined Blaine's gift, especially by something as silly as jumping at shadows (probably just clouds passing over the sky), but in his defense it really was an accident. His hand obviously takes precedence. Certainly Blaine will be able to understand that?
When his hand feels too numb to keep under the water for any longer Kurt dries it carefully, looks it over and deems it okay. There's a lingering redness, but no burns from what he can tell. It doesn't even hurt that bad.
The remnants of the ring get wrapped up in a napkin and buried at the bottom of the trash. Paranoid, yes, but Kurt's had enough lectures. The last thing he wants is for someone to find the ring and treat him to another one.
Next he downs a painkiller, goes back to his room, and crawls into bed in an attempt to at least get some physical rest if not actual sleep. (The need for a painkiller nixes the Ambien, obviously.) Strangely enough he feels himself begin to drift off almost at once.
When Kurt wakes up the next morning he feels foggy, and uncoordinated. It's early, much to early for him to be awake he sees when looking at the time, but for some reason he can't seem to relax back into sleep. His head is doing that screaming thing again, only this time he can actually hear the words. (And doesn't the voice sound different?)
It's like he's fallen through a metaphorical rabbit hole and then back again.
What the hell?
He'd agreed to get back together with Blaine? No, forget that, he had found out Blaine was going to propose and he'd been planning on accepting? What was wrong with him?
Get out, get out, you need to get out, the voice screams, and yes. He does. He needs to get out of Lima, and back to New York, and he needs to do so at once. Being well-prepared pays off, because it only takes Kurt four minutes (he clocks it) to get dressed, grab his things and sneak out of the house.
It means forgoing his skincare regiment, and basically everything except running a wet wipe over his face and pits while getting dressed, but there's a buzzing panic in his entire body and no way is hygiene more important than mental wellbeing.
He walks two block before calling a cab, and brushes his teeth while waiting. (Because now that he does have the time there's no excuse to skip that.)
Once he reaches the airport Kurt sweet-talks an attendant into getting him on an earlier plane. He's surprised that it works, but then again, it's probably less his charm and more a question of him looking really pathetic.
And then he snorts. Let's be honest here. You show up, red-eyed and desperate, willing to pay extra to get on an earlier flight, and you're asking if there's any way to keep you being on said earlier flight a secret if people come asking. You're like a textbook example of someone fleeing an abusive relationship.
He's not, of course, because calling his relationship with Blaine that would be crazy– and there he stops. Because that screaming voice in his head is back again, only now it's quietly citing one thing after the other that Blaine's said or done, and why they're bad, and.
Put like that it really does sound like he's fleeing an abusive relationship.
Put like that it makes absolutely no fucking sense why he had agreed to any of the things he had agreed to over the last few days.
And then he remembers.
When he'd come back he had told himself that he wasn't going to hook up with Blaine again. And he'd meant it. He'd intended to be civil, but no more, and then go back to his life in New York. Back to Adam.
So how the hell did I go from that to almost getting engaged? What do they put in the water in that damned town?
Kurt shakes his head, and just tries to push it away for now. Instead he powerwalks to the gate, only making a quick stop in a bathroom to clean up a little better, and then sits down to wait.
When the plane lands in New York Kurt doesn't turn his phone on, as he usually would. Neither does he go to the loft. Instead he hails a cab and goes straight to Adam's place. His whole body vibrates by the time the door opens.
"Hi Adam. Can we talk?"
"I'd prefer not to, actually."
His voice is cold and clipped, but his eyes show hurt. Oh no.
"I knew all along you still had some feelings for your ex, just as I knew we weren't exclusive. That doesn't change the fact that I don't think I deserves something as callous as a Face Book message from your roommate telling me you got engaged. And–"
"You, what? She, which one– No. It doesn't matter. I'm not engaged, nor am I in a relationship with Blaine again. But, it's a long story, and it's really really strange, and maybe I could not have to stand on your thresh-hold while telling it...?"
He doesn't, but then again Adam's always been too sweet for his own best. Telling his story is embarrassing, and painful, and makes Kurt feel really, really stupid. Plus it feels like such a waste of time? Really, who is he trying to kid here? Why should Adam believe a single word that comes out of Kurt's mouth right now?
He glances at the other man, expecting to be met by scorn and rage and more coldness, but instead there's a pensive look on Adam's face.
"And you're saying you only started thinking about giving Blaine a second chance after being home for a little while? And that after this...ring was destroyed, you couldn't understand your actions?" Kurt nods. That's exactly how it was. "Did you, ehm, did you feel as if 'your inner voice' was leading you in the wrong direction?"
"No, not at the time. But when I woke up, well, it was as if I really woke up. I thought about what I'd been telling myself for the past couple of days, and it sounded insane! It was like listening to a caricature of myself."
Kurt's not sure he'd believe himself, what with how he sounds, but Adam just nods.
"Tell me, what do you know of witch craft?"
When Kurt returns to the loft the next day he ignores Rachel's screeching, and Santana's sniping, just as he ignores his dad's worried rage and Blaine's furious pouting – because of course Blaine is there, again, and his dad is siding with Blaine, again. He just pretends that none of them exist, while methodically going through all of his belongings looking for things that are connected to Blaine.
Adam's grandmother had told him that the most powerful tokens were ones that had been accepted freely – regardless if the magic on them were known or not – but that everything with a connection to the caster could work. There's a pathetic little pile on the floor when he's done (which could explain why it's been so easy to stay strong when in New York) and Kurt marches it all straight out to the trash.
The purple splotches on Blaine's cheeks and the flashes in his eyes tell Kurt that Blaine realizes exactly what's happening here. Good. Let him.
Kurt is done being under his – or anyone's – spell.
~The End ~
Under Your Spell/Standing – reprise