TITLE: The Art of THUNK

AUTHOR: Feli

EMAIL: author@sg1-place.de

CATEGORY: Humor

RATING: PG WARNINGS: Silliness

SUMMARY: 8 Gateworlders meet one Colonel, one Archeologist, and even the General. They behave accordingly.

STATUS: Complete ARCHIVES: Heliopolis and Fanfiction.net, SG-1's Place (www.sg1-place.de)

DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The situations and original story are the property of the author. Not to be archived without permission of the author.

AUTHOR'S NOTES I: This story features seven lovely fellow Gateworlders: Kat, MajorClanger, Gipsy, Earthgrazer, Doc, Satori, and Ellory. This is a thank you for all the fun times we've had together, and hopefully will have in the future as well - even after you've read this story! :-D Btw: when I began to write this fic, S7 was not yet official, so just imagine it still wasn't when you read this AUTHOR'S NOTES II: Take a look at my other fics and guess who betaed? ((((Kat))))) Furthermore, special thanks to MC for taking look as well.



An innocent looking van pulled up in front of a house in one of Colorado Springs' nice residential areas and spilled forth a bevy of people. A closer look revealed the people to be eight excitedly chattering women, their ages ranging from teenager to about early 40's.

"This is it, isn't it? That's *his* house?" one of the women asked.

Several of the others nodded, perusing the front of the house critically.

"Look!" exclaimed a dark haired woman (which is not that much of a distinction, since all eight of them had either light or dark brown hair) and pointed to a railing that was barely visible behind the roof on the backside of the house. "That must be the deck where he used to keep his telescope."

"Maybe we can see Abydos from there," another woman chimed in hopefully.

"I don't think he left his telescope when he moved, Satori."

The woman addressed as Satori shot her friend a confused look.

"What do you mean 'when he moved'?"

The first woman, whose nick will now be revealed as being Earthgrazer, sighed.

"He doesn't live here anymore, Sat, he moved house because S7 didn't get a go yet. You didn't know that? When was the last time you were on the board?"

Satori reddened at the accusing stares of her friends and mumbled something intelligibly.

"What was that?"

"I said I was so busy reading shower fics I kind of didn't have time to log on to the forum."

Several tsk tsk sounds greeted her admission.

"You know, as a mod I probably shouldn't be hearing this," one of the women remarked.

"Sorry, MC, it won't happen again! I promise."

In the meantime another brown haired woman had left the group to check out an area of the front lawn.

"Feli, what in the world are you looking at there?"

Feli looked up from her perusal of the grass and beamed.

"See this spot here? I think this is the place where Daniel was dumped after he'd been kidnapped by those rogue NID guys."

"Feli," came the exasperated reply from Earthgrazer, "Daniel was never kidnapped by NID guys and dumped on Jack's front lawn. That was a fic you read..."

"Oh, that sounds like an interesting fic!" an until then silent woman said. "Is it on helio?"

"It's a slash fic, Kat," Earthgrazer explained. "I doubt you'd want to read it."

"Oh."

Feli rejoined her friends and the group moved up to the front steps.

"But this is where Maybourne stood in Shades of Grey, isn't it?" one of them whispered.

"Yeah, and later Daniel when he wanted to talk to Jack," another chimed in.

Before the discussion could be expanded to analyze who else had stood on those very steps, in which episode, the door was ripped open by a shockingly attractive silver haired man.

"Jack," someone breathed. Let's say that at this moment it doesn't really matter which of the women it was, since the sentiment was shared by all (okay, almost all) of the awestruck ladies in question.

"Who are you?" asked Colonel Jack O'Neill.

"We're Gateworlders."

One of the women stepped forward and extended her hand to the befuddled colonel.

"I'm called Doc and these here are Kat, MajorClanger, Gipsy, Earthgrazer, Satori, Ellory, and Feli.

"Hi, Jack!" "Pleased to meet you!" "Nice to meet you!" chorused the others.

"Uh huh. Uhm...nice to meet you, too...I guess."

Ellory took pity on the hapless man in front of her and said:

"We're huge fans of yours, you are *so* thunkable!"

Her explanation was followed by vehement nods on the one side and murmured grumbles of "I like Daniel much more", "Daniel's got such beautiful eyes", and "Daniel's butt...thunk" on the other.

Jack stared at the protesters long and hard, and then focused his attention on his supporters. He smiled and graciously invited them to come in, after throwing another warning glance at the Danielites.

"Jack," crooned Kat, "you do stand above something like this, don't you?"

"They're very nice women!" added Feli. "I once spent a night with three of them watching some eps, and we all had a great time. They treated me very well."

Jack sent a disarming smile Feli's way [at which point the writing of this fic came to a screeching halt and could only be resumed after a concentrated effort and long minutes of breathing exercises].

"Of course I don't mind them thunking over Danny instead of me," he stated confidently. Then he glared at the offenders. "I do however have to warn you! Don't scare my archeologist! He's very shy and feels very uncomfortable when openly stared at, admired, drooled over, or any other method you ladies seem to employ with such frightening inventiveness."

"He's here then?" gasped Gipsy, an unholy gleam stealing into her eyes.

"Yes, he is. [Dear Reader, this is a fanfic. Fiction meaning that if I want to have a non-ascended Daniel in an S6-ish story I actually *can* have Daniel in this story] Today is the SGC's annual barbecue, everyone's out in the garden."

The group followed Jack down the steps into his living room in silence, interspersed with the occasional nervous giggle. Gipsy and MC immediately zoned in on the fireplace as the location of Daniel's first evening at Jack's house.

"Remember when he sneezed and was so embarrassed..?"

"Yeah, and he did this lame joke about gate lag."

"But *so* cute!"

"And his hair flopped down over his face constantly."

"Mmh, that was nice. Although I liked his shorter hair better, especially the season 3 cut."

"Hehe, tell that to Doc, she's still not over the season 5 sideburns..."

Their conversation was joined by Kat and Ellory.

"It was a great scene!" reminisced Kat.

"So lovely to see Jack opening up a bit," added El.

"I think Feli wrote a fic about the scene. Didn't you, Feli?" Kat called over to their friend who came over with a questioning look on her face.

"Which scene?"

"From COTG."

Feli's face lit up with the memory.

"Oh, yes. Have you watched Jack's face when he talks about the loss of Charlie? He tries to play it down and stay cool but you can see the anguish and emotional turmoil in his wonderful chocolate eyes!" she said quietly, so as not be overheard by their still confused and unwilling host.

Trying to draw the colonel's attention away from the slobbering females in the corner, Doc cleared her throat and said:

"We thought you'd moved to California."

Jack shot her an astonished look.

"Huh? No, who told you that?"

"Joe did. He comes to the forum from time to time."

"Who's Joe? I don't know a Joe."

Doc paled as she realized that Jack could not possibly know the name of one of Stargate's writers/producers.

"Ehm, it's kind of difficult to explain. Something to do with fiction meeting reality and stuff."

Jack's eyes glazed over at the prospect of science babble.

"It's not really important anyway," Earthgrazer came to her friend's help. "Can we see Daniel now?" she asked hopefully.

The Danielites in front of the fireplace immediately perked up at the mention of their hero's name. When Jack nodded towards the window front on the other side of the room, the four of them rushed over there, pressing their noses flat against the glass. The others followed at a leisurely pace.

Kat grabbed Ellory by the sleeve and held her back. Conspiratorially she whispered:

"Have you seen his hands? He has such beautiful hands, I'd love to have a closer look."

Ellory grinned mischievously.

"I'm sure that can be arranged."

With that she swiftly plucked a small blue vase off a shelf and, stepping closer to Jack, thrust it at the unsuspecting man.

"Is this an artifact from another planet?"

Jack floundered a little but took the vase from Ellory. Kat got her clue and drew up beside the two. Bending her head over the hands holding the vase, she pretended to study it carefully.

"Oh, this is beautiful. Could you turn it around, please?"

Obediently Jack turned the vase in his hands for Kat's intense study (when asked a day later about the object, Kat steadfastly insisted it was a green statuette. Never had she seen a blue vase anywhere. She could, however, describe Jack's hands in more minute detail than probably Jack and Janet combined could have done).

All the while the others were busy watching the scene outside the living room windows. A groan escaped four suddenly dry throats, when they spied Daniel. Standing below Jack's deck talking to someone above him, he looked relaxed and carefree in a pair of worn, tightly fitting blue jeans and a white t-shirt. As the women watched, Daniel stretched up to grab a bag of tortilla chips that was being handed to him from above. Inadvertently his shirt slipped out of his jeans to reveal his stomach, a lightly tanned, smooth expanse of skin.

"Uuh ohh!" sighed Satori blissfully.

"I'm gonna faint," stated Earthgrazer dramatically.

"No, EG, you can't," smirked Feli. "Remember when we talked about this fic and you said I couldn't make you faint, because I was already going to step on your toes, while we did that waltz during our meet-up?"

"But you didn't step on my toes after all," pouted Earthgrazer, gazing longingly at the puddles into which her fellow Danielites had already dissolved. So Feli decided to cut her friend some slack. Studying the figure of Dr. Jackson critically, she conceded:

"He *is* mild on the eyes, I have to admit."

Shocked gasps from the Jackfan front greeted her admission.

"Feli, you wouldn't, would you?"

Kat and Doc took the dithering woman by the hands and dragged her away from the window.

"Think of the Pink Khaki wish list for Santa. Think Jack in grey slacks and a black turtleneck sweater. Or think of your favorite still shot from the season 5 gallery. #53, right?"

Feli breathed in and out slowly a couple of times, shaking her head to get rid of the fog that seemed to want to cloud her mind with thoughts of Daniel and bandanas. She took another relieved breath and smiled shakily at her friends.

"Thanks, guys! That was close."

That got her a hug from Doc.

"Don't worry. It's happened to me, too."

"Yeah, me too."

"It even happened to me one time!" confessed MC from her observation point by the window. "With Jack, I mean."

Jack chose that moment to come back into the room, having exchanged his BDUs for black jeans and a silver grey tee that matched his hair perfectly. He let his black leather jacket drop onto a nearby chair, eliciting expectant moans from his admirers. Jack put on his scariest Colonel face and marched over to the women.

"So, what exactly is it you want?" he asked scowling.

Doc's eyes darted from his lean form to the jacket, then back again. A lecherous look, a clear indicative of what was going on in her wicked mind, crossed her face.

"Where's the commissary? I'm hungry!" she burst out suddenly.

Seven astonished pairs of eyes turned her way, a desire for food the last thing they would have expected their friend to express.

Jack was still valiantly clinging to his Colonel persona. Furthermore, how was he to know if this wasn't perfectly normal behavior for these strange human beings who had invaded his house.

"Uh, I don't have a commissary," he replied cautiously. "Is that a problem?"

"No, of course it isn't," answered Earthgrazer, grabbing Doc's arm and dragging her away from the object of her affection.

The others huddled closer.

"What was that all about?" asked MC.

Doc blushed.

"When he came down the steps looking so gorgeous [insert blissful sighs from three females] and asked what we wanted, I had this image of him and a feather duster and then this other one with whipped cream and..."

She swallowed convulsively [along with three other females] and tried to bring her erratic heartbeat under control.

"So why didn't you tell him?" inquired Kat.

"Because Feli said I couldn't make those suggestions, she wanted to keep the fic on a PG-rating."

Reproachful looks traveled in the author's direction. [Hey, it's not like I wouldn't like this to be a NC-17 fic, at least then I could tell you about this fantasy with Jack, putting the bullet-proof vest from Desperate Measures on his unclad torso, and sunflower oil. But we're all actually sensible, well-behaved adults (in case you hadn't noticed...), so this story stays PG]

"But this still doesn't explain why you asked him for something to eat instead, Doc."

Doc squirmed.

"I don't know, happens to me sometimes."

Gipsy laughed.

"I think I know what it is. It's a typical displacement action. Two strong stimuli, like Jack and whipped cream or Jack..., what was the other one? Anyway, two equally strong stimuli, you don't know which one to react to and suddenly you choose another, completely illogical option."

"I thought that only happened with animals?" inserted Satori.

"I'm not so sure, Sat, I think I remember..." "Mammals" "Pavlov's dog"

MajorClanger pulled out her runcible spoon and waved it in front of the six chattering women (Doc had gone sulkingly silent at the mention of Pavlov's dog).

"Ladies, you are *so* off topic!"

Feli grinned cheekily at the Clanger.

"Well, what was the topic, in your valued opinion?"

"We wanted to go outside and meet Daniel, of course," came the haughty reply, mixed with an undertone of 'do I always have to point out the obvious' and 'duh'.

Her request coincided with the colonel stepping up to the back door and opening it. He had followed their conversation from a safe distance, probably going through a standard threat assessment. Whether his decision to let the Gateworlders outside was based on the realization that they weren't a threat, or he didn't want to risk spending anymore time with the women *alone* is something we'll probably never know. And the women who were happily racing towards the door didn't care either way anyway.

Gipsy, MC and Earthgrazer managed to propel themselves through the door at the same time without toppling to the ground or embarrassing themselves. Satori followed them at a slightly slower pace, thus trying to own up to her claim that she was in fact *not* a Danielite, but merely drooled and frequently puddled onto the floor, whenever Daniel's name was mentioned or whenever he appeared in an ep (preferably in pajamas - but who *wouldn't* want to see that, really?).

Jack stepped out into the garden after the four women, affording the females still in the living room a tantalizing view of his backside.

"Uuh!" "Aah!" "Mmh!" "Yumm!"

"We're a shallow bunch, aren't we? remarked Ellory. "Personally, I love Jack for his wonderful and quirky sense of humor! And he's not as dense as he makes himself appear on the show."

"Yeah, sure," Kat scoffed. "That's also why you made those weird slobbering noises just now, isn't it?"

"Heh heh," snickered Doc.

"I love his humor and sarcasm, too. Especially his ad-libs on the show," sighed Feli dreamily. "Although he hasn't said much since we've arrived, has he? Do you think he's intimidated by us?"

"Well, if he is, then Daniel should be outright scared. We better go outside and check on the others."

"Why, Kat, do you think they won't behave?" asked Ellory with a tinge of concern in her voice.

"Of course they will. Within the expected parameters at least," said Doc resolutely. "Kat was just looking for an excuse to rush after Jack, weren't you?"

Kat grinned unabashedly.

"Guilty as charged. Can we go now?"

Glad for the excuse the four women made their way outside.

----------------

Outside the party was in full swing. The Danielites were happily clustered around the unsuspecting and increasingly hapless archeologist, while on the other side of the lawn Jack stood explaining things to Sam. The emotions that swept across his face changed rapidly from bewildered to disbelieving, from confused to shocked, finally settling into a resigned frown when he saw the women closing in on his friend.

Sam also looked over to where Daniel was standing, taking in what was happening.

Simultaneously the colonel and the major scowled, shooting warning glances in the direction of the other four women still on the back porch.

However, the warnings were lost on them as they watched with delight the way Jack and Sam stood closely together, their heads inclined towards each other while they talked.

"Awww, look at them!" sighed El.

"They're so obviously in love," agreed Kat. "And they're perfect for each other."

"Yeah, if we can't have him then Sam really should," confirmed Feli.

"Who says we can't?" asked Ellory jokingly.

"Well, he *is* a fictional character."

"Yes, but theoretically, since we're in this fic, we're fictional characters, too, aren't we?"

"But.."

Before the discussion could deteriorate further into the silliness the Gateworlders were notorious for, the friends were interrupted by Gipsy who had spotted General Hammond standing in a group of SGC technicians by the grill. As one the Gateworlders left their positions and made their way over to the general.

The general smiled cordially at each of them as they introduced themselves. Once the round of introductions was over, MajorClanger voiced the all important question:

"General, how can you keep the SGC functioning with two such thunkable men on the team?"

The general looked at her blankly.

"The nurses, for instance," Satori tried to help.

"The nurses are doing an excellent job, I don't really understand...?"

"Yes, but isn't it difficult for the nurses to concentrate on their tasks when Daniel is there for a post-mission exam.."

"Or Jack!" inserted Doc.

"..without a shirt.." continued Earthgrazer her explanation somewhat off topic.

"Jack *and* Daniel in the infirmary at the same time," sighed Feli dreamily.

Amid the blissful agreements of the others General Hammond drew back his shoulders and announced that the SGC's nurses, along with the rest of the infirmary staff and definitely all other personnel as well, were true professionals who went about their work with seriousness and dispassion.

"Obviously very unlike the author of this fic!" he ended indignantly. [To which I want to retort that this story is very objective and solely based on hard facts! I mean look at the guys: they're both *seriously* thunkable...]

In an effort to distract the general from his train of thought, Kat swiftly brought up another topic.

"General Hammond, why are Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill not together? They obviously would like to be."

"Kat, don't forget the regulations thing!" admonished Gipsy her friend.

"Yes, I know, I know," muttered Kat. "But we *are* in a fic here, aren't we?"

The general nodded with a sigh.

"In all honesty I don't know what's keeping them. I've done everything I can, except give it to them in writing, to indicate that I would condone a relationship."

"Maybe they just need a little prodding?" Feli asked hopefully.

"Yes, how about...?" "Or we could.."

As the Jackfans and General Hammond continued to discuss the pros and cons of bringing Jack and his 2IC together, (okay, so I can't really remember us discussing any cons, but I'm sure we could have found one or two if we'd had to), MC, Gipsy, Earthgrazer and Satori made their way back to Daniel.

By the time they had reached him the Danielites had devised a devious scheme to get as close to their MOTEM as possible. Under the pretense of feeling the fabric [Huh? Didn't I write that it's a plain white t-shirt? Yes, I did. That's why I said it was a pretense] ... where was I? Ah, right, so under the pretense of feeling the fabric of his 'incredibly cool looking' t-shirt Gipsy and Earthgrazer had grabbed hold of his upper arms, whereas MajorClanger boldly took the hem of the shirt where it hung over his jeans to rub the fabric of his 'incredibly cool looking' t-shirt between her fingers.

The linguist clearly didn't know how to handle the situation. (Due to time constraints - translate: only commissary coffee in the meeting room - he'd only taken the basic seminar 'How to handle your CO on diplomatic missions, when said CO is a cranky, sarcastic and impatient colonel named Jack O'Neill' out of the SGC's diplomacy training. The advanced course '101 ways to keep your CO from breaking up trade negotiations with representatives of other galaxies' planets just because he forgot to tape the Simpson's' was on Daniel's to-do list but he hadn't gotten around to actually attending the seminar. It proved to be a crucial mistake now).

Jack caught the panicky glances his friend was shooting his way and decided to interfere. Not directly, of course. He'd never admit it at work but he really was quite smart. It was a different smart than Sam's or Daniel's smart, but it was a sort of smart nonetheless.

With a determined stride Jack marched over to his fans just as General Hammond left the group. Extending an accusing finger in the direction of his besieged friend Jack demanded:

"Tell them to leave my archeologist in peace!"

Feli looked from said archeologist to the colonel with a calculating expression on her face. An evil glint stole into her eyes and with a wicked grin she asked:

"What are you willing to do in exchange?"

Jack gasped, images of him parading naked, except for a strategically placed bright red bow, in front of his friends and colleagues, assaulting his inner eye. As if they could read his mind, the four women snickered.

"No, not that," Feli assured him.

Jack still eyed her warily.

"What then?"

"Invite Sam to go fishing with you," four voices sounded at the same time.

Jack gave the women a wistful smile.

"I already did that once but she didn't accept."

"Yes, but that was almost three years ago. Ask her again!" encouraged Doc.

Jack still hesitated, unsure what to do. It was obviously time for a little blackmail.

"You do want us to help Daniel, don't you?" asked Ellory silkily.

Jack scowled at her, realizing that he had no choice (to ask the woman he loved and who loved him to go on a nice weekend trip with him - duh!). Sighing, he nodded.

"Okay, okay, I'll do it."

He crossed his arms over his chest and stared expectantly at the women. The women stared back unperturbed.

"So?"

"So?"

"Well, aren't you going to get your friends away from Daniel?"

"Well, aren't you going to ask Sam to go fishing with you?"

"What, right now?"

The Jackfans simply looked at him in silence. With a huff Jack turned around, and marched off towards his 2IC, all the while muttering under his breath. It wasn't easy to hear his ranting amid the noise of the party but what the women could make out, was well worth their trouble.

"Crazy women...dangerous...hope I never meet any of them alone...better lock out P2-whatdtheycallit? ah, Gateworld out of the dialing computer..."

FIN

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