(A greedy self-insert fanfic where I run around Gensokyo like an asshole! Heyoo~!)

Brad woke up in Gensokyo with a jolt, sitting up immediately.

Dressed in sweatpants and a basic light-blue shirt, he looked like a freakin' generic outsidey man. Other details included curly-ass, dishwater-blonde Danny-sexbang-esque hair, except with more grease, and blue eyes! Oh yeah, he was tall too.

"Shiieeut, I'm in a fanfic!" He shouted, staring at his hands. "Now that I'm here, what uh… what do I do exactly? I don't necessarily got any uh, powers or the likes…"

Lying next to him was his NERF sword, a NERF maverick blaster, and a leather boot with a string attached to it.

Snorting, he nodded warmly at the foam sword. "Hah. Nerf sword. Yeah, I'll just cleave some youkai in half with my fucking foam sword."

Following that, he looked at his NERF blaster. "Yeah, hopefully I'll poke their eyes out from like a foot or something."

Finally, he lifted the boot by the string. "...What the fuck am I going to do with this!? Is- is it a flail? What is this!?"

...Pausing, his brows furrowed. "Question is, do I got hammerspace?" He tried to insert the boot…

It didn't fit.

'Nope.' He thought. 'Oh, I get italic thoughts too! These weren't here in the first draft…! Now I can stop talking aloud to myself so often!' Taking this moment, he gave the sky an appreciative nod and a smile...

...Shaking his head, he really looked around at the sky. 'I don't have a bloody clue where I am either. I see a mountain… in fact I see multiple things I'd classify as mountains- that doesn't help me!'

He was surrounded by trees… many trees.

Glancing up again to reconfirm the sky was still there, he slouched. '...No~t like I can read stars, anyway.'

Pondering the situation, he began to strut around his items. 'This ain't the forest of magic- there's nothing but a buncha pine trees.'

For whatever reason, he became reflective. 'Pine trees… I wonder how many are in Gensokyo anyway? I always liked their aesthet- I need to find some kind of shelter already!'

Taking a deep breath, he steeled himself. 'Alright, no skills, no abilities, and no idea if I'm getting any mechanics. Dunno who knows of my existence, and dunno where the hell I am. Maybe... I'll make a house!... Actually, no- I don't got the tools for that, this ain't Terraria. Hmmm…' He rubbed his chin in thought.

Kneeling down and picking up his valuable and prized belongings, Brad formulated a strategy.

"Alright, game plan, find a cave- there's no caves in Gensokyo aside from probably youkai homes are there." Realization dawned on his face.

"...Jesus fuck, I am a dead man!"


Brad stood up, brandishing a stick loosely tied to the boot from before. "Now it really is a flail!"

'Not that it helps; I don't imagine youkai fear freakin'... boots.'

Walking further through the dense brush, he came across a brick wall.

His eyebrows rise at the color. "Ooh…"

'Nevermind, I think I know exactly where I am. I recognize the color of that brick wall anywhere, even if I can't see outta these trees. I'm not gonna bother finding the front, considering uh…'

Brad glanced down at his NERF gear and his boot flail he had equipped, and grinned. '...I don't think anyone's gonna be intimidated. Although!' He continued, raising his sword for effect in spite of being completely alone, 'I don't think youkai prowl these walls, even if they're not often patrolled.'

Looking around, he saw some sticks and brush and things. "...This is gonna be a freakin' disaster."


"Sweet jesus fuck." Brad stared at the mesh of mud, sticks, and twigs he made. "I am a dead man."

Crawling inside of it, he rotated around and stared at the ceiling, the part he really made sure was solid. "Well, it's keepin' the rain- some of it- out! Not so much the everything elses, though!"


Then, Brad heard voices outside. "Oh. Maybe I should stop talking to myself like a psychopath for one moment. Shiieut."

Gradually, the voices increased to audible volume.

"...This overgrowth? Oh, yes, it is quite unsightly." A distinctly female voice passed judgment.

"Yes. I want you and Meiling to be rid of it. What even is this, over here?" A different voice came closer to the hut, her soft footsteps increasing as she neared.

Anxiously, Brad began grinning widely...

Fwi~sh. A part of the wall was pulled out, and the clattering of sticks and falling leaves was heard as the quaint little thing- that could barely classify as a hut- toppled down.

...A maid and a little winged mistress stared at Brad, who was standing in a pile of twigs and sticks and stuff.

...Nodding, he gestured down at the parts. "Ah. Welcome to my humble, brick-side abode." Brad both started and concluded his tour with an incredulous grin on his face.

The little winged one stared at him blankly. "...Sakuya, when did this wall start to attract hoboes…?"

Sakuya shook her head. "I've no idea, mistress. Do you wish for me to dispose of him?"

'Oh shit…!'

Brad raised his hands. "Woa~h now! I'm desperately trying to survive, and the last thing I need is to get hopelessly curbstomped by angry europeans!"

The little winged one giggled. "...You know what? Take him to the manor, Sakuya."

Sakuya turned her head towards her, expression dry. "Mistress?"

She simply waved her arm. "Yes, I'm sure already. Go. I'll just be doing a once-over out here on my stroll, and seeing where Meiling got lost along the way." The mistress began walking off.

Sakuya nodded, and stepped up to Brad. "Right this way."


Brad stepped in through the front gates of the Scarlet Devil Mansion for the first time.

Blinking widely, he took in the sights. "...This place is really something else. At least I won't get smeared across the brick wall in the dead of night like I expected…!"

Sakuya glanced over to him, before continuing to lead forward. "Allow me to show you to a room."

'Man I'm awkward! Not that it matters with her, since she's all formal and stuff… I think.'

They passed two fairy maids with bright, colorful hair, both of whom were scrubbing a wall with what looked like curtains.

'Well, no time like the present to drop my social insecurities. Different world, different mask, different Brad!'

"That's an intuitive way of cleaning curtains and walls at the same time if I ever saw one!" Amused, he pointed out the fairy's incompetence.

Sakuya huffed. "Please ignore that."

Shi-shi-shink. Knives suddenly found themselves embedded in the foreheads of the fairies.

Pi-Pi~chun! They exploded into mana, the curtains they held dropping to the floor where they once stood.

...Brad stared wearily at the curtains. "O~kay then. I'll... take your word for it."

They came up to-...

Screw it. I'm done with it! Guess who the narrator is!? That's right, me! I'm tired of talking in third person! It just don't feel right with a self-insert friker! It's Brad in the house now, son!

The mansions halls're big, let me tell you.

We came up to a vacant room, the inside aptly decorated with red walls. Brown and red furniture was present, mainly being a single couch a bed, some totally useful chairs in weird places, and a dresser. It had a red carpet, and u~hm... lots of red. Really red. Holy shit it's so red-

"Please make yourself at home." Sakuya bowed, before closing the door. Oh, cool, just… leave me here. Time for me to partake in generic recreation, yo. Like sitting down and getting up in the same chair repeatedly!

...Actually- maybe let's not do that.

...Curious, I walk up to the door and turn the knob. Locked…? Oh, boy. That's good, dude.

"Gee, thanks." I'm still excited enough to speak aloud to no one! "Good thing I still got... " I felt around my pockets, and pulled out a 3DS! "This, with me!"

...It had nearly full battery, but I had no extra games, and no charger for it. One battery only, man! Iron man mode, iron man mo~de!

"On second thought…" I turned it off instead 'a leavin' it in its normal standby mode. "...I kinda wanna save it."

Puttin' away the 3DS, I lie down on the bed. "Comfy... although a bit generic feeling. I wonder how everyone else's beds feel..."

My first introspective in Gensokyo, yo~! But, anyway… I'm kinda curious as to how everyone else's beds feel. Crazy, I know, but what were their preferences persay? I liked to imagine Remilia- yeah I know her name, I know where I am too- sleeps in a big, soft bed, while Sakuya might have something stiffer- or equally as soft, depending. It's interesting.

Whelp, that's enough cringey reflection! Not like anyone can read my thoughts anyway. That'd be freakin' stupid…

I'm lookin' at you…! The invisible audience phenomenon is fun.

Bolting off the bed, I power walk up to the dresser. "Time to see what outfits I can loot!" Opening it up, I find…

"...Dresses, bras, and panties, all of the generic variety. Probably for the fairy maids. Wouldn't do a lot of good in my hands…" Maybe it'd be a good idea if I stopped talking out loud. Should probably save my breath…!

I go back and sit down on the bed.

Damn I'm bored. About five minutes probably passed before I decided to get up and do something stupid.

"I am going to make the device!"


I've daisy-chained the panties onto the boot by weaving the edges into knots with each other, and feeding the boot string through a rip I made on one pair. Thus, I've extended the flail's range!... With undergarments!

Excited, I raise it up! "I have made the device!"

The door opened up, and Sakuya walked in. Oh, good. "Hello. Mistress has-..."

She blankly gazes at me holding the boot by a rope made of panties.

I grin back at her. Oh, man, I am fucked.

"...Just follow me." Sakuya dryly stepped out of the room, leaving the door open behind her.

Following her, I walk down the hallway. The fairy maids took odd glances at the panty-rope- which I've flung onto my shoulder for convenience. Or, maybe they're just glancin' at me 'cause I'm a weird outsidey person. I dunno, they don't seem too bright to be real wit'cha...

After what had to have been two minutes of walking- which I'm sure can't be right but whatever- Sakuya and I reached the mistress's chamber.

With a smooth motion, Sakuya pried the large double door open-

Creaa~k. This is hype…! "Go right on ahead." Sakuya held the door open for me!

"Thanks." I awkwardly reply, entering the room. Man- my voice box can go fuck itself.

Inside, the room was freakin' big. About as big as the front lobby… which I don't think you guys got to see, so I'll just say it's abou~t… yay high? Oh right, you can't see me move my-

Ahead of me, Remilia Scarlet sat leisurely upon her throne, kicking a single leg gently as she gazed upon my form seriously for the first time. "Well, well, well… glad you could make it." In her free arm, she holds a wine glass. Her other arm is used to prop her head up as she leans to the side.

The room itself had massive pillars to the sides, as well as some potted plants hanging from various sections of the walls, down curiously low. Remilia's throne itself had to be gold or brass or some fancy shmancy shit...

I smile, and walk forward a bit. There's no tables or chairs nearby, so that'd have to do. Do I bow? I- well, Remi's a western vampire, so-

"What brings you to Gensokyo?" She asks, brow raised, and vine glass moving towards her lips.

Oh, man, this is unreal. "I~... dunno. I just kinda woke up here. I'm pretty excited about this all- but a bit terrified because, uh... I've not anything to defend myself with, to be perfectly honest."

Remilia removed the glass from her lips. "Ah? I see you have a sword though, do you not?"

Pfft. Right. I take it out from the inside of my shirt, before 'sheathing' it by putting it in the back of my collar. "It's uh… it's made of foam. Plastic, rubber, and foam, to be precise."

"...Terrifying." Remilia sarcastically replied, twirling her wine glass idly. She's not impressed, is she? Uhm-

"Ooh, I've also got this!" I take out the NERF maverick blaster.

"...Is that a gun?" Remilia stares at it curiously...

"Kinda. It doesn't fire actual bullets though! Just uh…" I cock it, and fire at the wall.

...Little noise is emitted, as a foam dart fumbles out of the gun and flops pathetically to the floor.

"Fufufu~..." Remilia found that entertaining!

Eheh. I grin. "...I kinda haven't fired it in a awhile." I put the gun back in my pocket, which it barely fits but y'know, it'd have to make do.

Adjusting her posture slightly, Remilia also critiqued something she saw along my shoulder. "You've also obtained… a rope of my servant's undergarments. Care to explain?" She becomes expressionless…!

"Oh. I was really bored." I took the flail-stick-pantyrope-string-boot-thing out fully.

"...What is that?" She finally asks, gaining some furrowed brows…!

"I'm not sure myself. It's a work in progress." I grin objectively. Yeah, objectively! This is what it is!

"...Clearly." Remilia sips her wine.

...Fuck me this meeting's awkward! Nevermind that, though: full force forward!

...I stretch. "Today's been a da~y…"

Remilia snorted. "Has it, now? What were you doing before you came to Gensokyo, anyhow?"

Oh, shit, she knows I'm an outsider. She knew I was one before, but I just realized she knows oh shit…!

Uh- I put my hand to my chin. "I... huh. I~... was on my way to school in my father's car, when suddenly I just woke up on the forest floor here. I'm not sure what happened." Yeah, that's pretty much everything. Oh, and… "Regardless, I was some lazy bum who sat on a computer and played video games all day!" There we go! Perfect!

...Remilia looks disinterested. "Sounds invigorating. Sakuya!" Uhm…

Sakuya appears beside Remilia. "Yes, mistress?"

"Round up some fairy maids. I've got an idea." Remilia smiles. Uhm…?

As they talked, I looked around the room. No real windows to speak of in here, for probably obvious reasons. Just pillars at the edges of the room, really.

I spy some plant hangers at the doorway with plants hanging off them. They're shiny, and well maintained...

This room's floor's also scarlet carpet. Yeah, that's the one thing that'll help me: the carpet being freakin' red. Oh, yeah, there's a chandelier on the ceiling. Victorian design's pretty interesting!

Fairy maids with hair of all colors fly into the room, and circle me almost instantly, chattering up a storm as they do so.

"What's chief want us to do, now…?"

"Get around the human!"

"Well- yeah, but-"

Remilia shouted over them. "Boy! If you defeat this group of fairy maids, I'll allow you to reside in my mansion for the time being!"

Say who what now?

"If you are to fall to my maids at any point…" Remilia smirks brilliantly. "You are still permitted to reside here, but only as their plaything." ...What the fu~ck.

I drew my boot flail thing. Oh, hell yeah! Fair and balanced matchup! Fair and balanced matchup, son!

Remilia begins counting down. Aw, shit man…! "Prepare yourself in ten… nine…"

I take a deep breath. I heard that helps a lot with preparing for-

"One, go!" Thanks for that, Remilia! Goodbye prep time!

Instantly, a cream-haired fairy maid lunges for me. "Gotcha!" Aah- shit-

I swing my freakin' boot flail down before her-

She leaps back as if that attack woulda actually hurt her. Yo- these fairy maids are actually… very girly! I must be some kinda freakin' detective to figure that out.

With that maid now skittish, I just bolt past her to get out of the gangbang circle before anyone felt like lunging for me. Why didn't anyone else leap at me like she did? Did I just get lucky?

No~w… I'm by Remilia's throne, 'cause I just booked it across the throne room. I'm near the wall now too, though…

"Hey!" The fairies are moving towards me in the linear line, the cream-haired one leading the way.

She glares at me as she bolts towards me far faster than the other fairies. "That wasn't nice!" ...You serious!? It's a brawl, of course it ain't- oh crap she's getting closer!

Panicking as she nears, I just toss the boot flail at her, flinging it wide.

The panty rope catches her by the leg, and she falls forward. "Aah!"

Thud. She fell onto her knees. Yeah, I got her! Temporarily!

Remilia giggles at this. "Fufufu~..."

Maybe if I delay the inevitable long enough, this will end well...

The big double door opens again, but I'm too preoccupied to examine that noise.

Dashing across the room again-... oh.

I just realized, most of the fairy maids aren't even really trying to catch me aside from that cream-haired frik.

As I pass the line of unenthusiastic fairies, this yellow-haired one actually runs at me legitimately! Jesus- this really gets your adrenaline pumping…!

I go for the plant hangers at the front of the lobby. Nearing one 'n' drawing my NERF sword, I hit it really hard-

Thunk! A~nd that achieved nothing.

C'mon, you piece of shit! Jumping up, I grab the plant hanger, and like, I bring up my entire body and curl up in a freakin' ball around the hanger-

Chink! I broke it-

Thud. I land on my ass and on the plant the hanger was holding, as that yellow frik draws closer.

Saying nothing, she grins widely as she looms over me, but I scramble to get the pot out from under my ass and to jab it into her face as she tries to grapple me-

"Nnh…!?" She's confused and frazzled! Time to get the hell out of dodge!

Running to the side- the plant dropping from my hands and its rope coming undone from the plant hanger- I sprint across the room...

"Smooth move, the~re!" I yell back at her!

Raising the plant hanger, I turn back around. "I've got a plant hanger, and I know how to use it, too!"

This purple-haired fairy maid comes at me next, not looking entirely engaged. She's got her dukes up, though, so I gotta take her seriously…

I can't just swing at her; she might grapple me and that could be it for me. There's… stuff on the line here, isn't there? I don't think I want to be a fairy's plaything!

Thunk! As she nears, I just up and kick her in the gut. Fuck honor if it means I don't get raped or something.

"Omph…!?" She cringes back, grabbing her stomach. "Wh- what…?"

"Been practicing that shit!" I shout back, like a freakin' caged animal! Anyway- yeah, I like my kicks! I'm also, like, a hundred thirty pounds, so kicking's not too difficult… and I've been practi-


I'm hugged from behind!? Fuck, no!

"Hehehe~..." This whoever colored haired frik has her arms wrapped around my torso. "He's ki~nda skinny…"

Bringing my leg up 'cause it's not really a bear hug or anything, I stomp on her shoe.

"Oh- oww~!" She lets go! Yehehah!

Adrenaline rushing, I move forward again. That purple haired chick's got her fists up again, but this time she's remaining further back…

"Please…" She frowns. "Let me hit you."

What, no.

She punches towards me, but I decide to be a douchebag and swing my plant hanger at her fist-


"Waouch!" She yelled, grasping her knuckle. "Ow~..."

If she's just gonna keep coming back- I rush her on impulse.

Thunk! With a downward blow, I bring my plant hanger down on her head.

"Anh…" With light protest, the maid falls forward after the blow, unconscious.

...I grin at my results! "Yeah, how's that...?" I'm sweating buckets. This has been the fucking… this has been the only fight of my life. When the hell did everything go so wrong!?

...There were a few fairy maids left, but they seemed a margin more interested in me now. One slender one with blue hair leered at me, while another with scarlet hair cracked her knuckles.

I reach for my NERF gun, quickly drawing it. "Eat lead!" I shout, totally not bluffing.

Pap! A pathetic ass dart flew out.

"Ah!" The blue-haired one did an exaggerated leap outta the way after a short delay. Nice job.

The scarlet one rushes me, knowing my bluff. I see her coming, but my body doesn't know what to do. I bring my hanger-wielding arm up, and just… move it-

She hits me in the gut, grinning.

"Egh…" Staggering back, I felt a warm light wash over me as time slowed down.

...What just happened?

"Ahh…?" I look around somewhat awkwardly, but then I bring my hand to my chest. Warm orbs of light gather around and build up around it, and time slowly resumes.

...Huh. So that's what a religious experience feels like. Thank you, whatever applicable god!

I feel like I know what that feel was, too… 'cause I feel great now!

Grinning at the scarlet maid, I sheathe my NERF gun back into my pocket, and lower my hanger arm. "I'm on a whole new level!"

She's still grinning. "We'll have you crying like the little bitch you are." Oh, fuck. That's… while that may be a cheesy line, when someone actually just says that to you…!

Still, I ain't lettin' her boldness deter me…! Continuing with my plan, I just run towards her and jump-

Hoah! That air- I go up by a foot! Then-

I jump again, gaining enough air for her ensuing punch to miss, and for myself to slide in a smooth hit from above-

Thunk! "Aagh!" Stumbling back, she clutches her head and falls backwards.

Thu-thud. Another one down…


Thud. I fall on my side, landing behind her. Ow, fuck…

...Taking a moment to stand up, I scan the room. No one punished me for falling over, so… oh, hey.

"Hey, pop quiz. How long's it take to beat a moron to death?" I ask the last, platinum-haired fairy maid. Doesn't sound as cool when I say it…! Then again, I ain't from Boston...


She pauses, and brings her hand to her chin. She looks around the room in deep contemplation for a few moments, humming to herself occasionally.

Aw. I let this persist for about a minute, looking over at Remilia...


Walking around her 'n' coming up behind her, I tap on her shoulder. "Bzzt! Sorry, time's up, you're dead…!"

Thunk! I clock her across the face, sending her spiralling.

"Really..." Remilia shakes her head, smiling in vague amusement. "How telling."

...All the fairy maids now sat at my feet, as I twirled my plant hanger along my finger- a~nd I dropped it. It's the thought that counts!

Shaking my head, I look over at Remilia and grin! "...I won, son!"

That warm light earlier was me leveling up, I think. It fixed up my wounds and stuff, and I learned to double jump. Yo~.

Remilia claps her hands. "Splendid showing."

There are others here! Patchouli Knowledge, resident magician, looked somewhat curious. "I'm sure we all saw that light. Perhaps he's in command of some magic?"

Sakuya tilts her head. "Rather... unorthodox combat method…" Where the hell's Meiling anyway?

Catchin' my breath, I walk up to them. "So... how was that? Also~... can I uh, keep the plant hanger?"

Smirking, Remilia nodded. "As you wish. They are inexpensive." She sips from her wine glass, for a moment. "It seems to be your most apt weapon of choice."

Heheh. The plant hanger commando, son.

With everything said and done, Remilia turns to Sakuya. "Escort him to his room for the time being, will you?"

Sakuya nods. "As you wish, milady."


The door wasn't locked this time after Sakuya left, but I'm in no big hurry to go exploring the boundless hallways just yet. I dunno if the maids still wanna rape me or not… and I'm not sure whether or not I should just let them. They're not bad looking, lemme be real with ya!

That, and I didn't describe it much before, but they're not childish lookin' fairies, at least not in this manor. They're all either late teens to adult-y, or disproportionately sexy lolis.

After some fiddling, I had the panty-rope tied to the plant hanger. Weapon crafting! This should be marginally more useful!

Now I can just shove my rope into my pocket along with the hanger. My sword's still in my shirt, and my NERF gun's still in my other pocket...

...A bat flew into the room, and perched itself on the ceiling. Huh. "I didn't think this place had bats…" I'll use it as target practice later, I suppose.

The bat stared at me intently as I took some freakin' bras out of the drawer. I'm sure nobody's going to miss generic fairy-garments from a generic guest room…

Ri~p! I ripped the bra in half, and put the two cups on my shoulders. Hehehaha~!

"There we are." I am satisfied. "Shoulder pads!" They look a little uh… lewd though… I don't think I'll be using these just yet.

I put the bra cups in my pocket, the bat still staring at me.

Outside the door I hear voices start to approach. "...That mean man that beat us up!"

"Definitely! Let's see if he likes surprises…!"

Oh boy. "Ah. Looks like I've got friends over!" I walk over to the dresser, pull out an entire drawer of dresses and just dump them over the floor.

Now then…! I push the sofa over as I hear the door getting banged on.

"Good thing they weren't taught how to door!" I yell out, still pushing the sofa to the door.

"You freak! Get out here so we can play with you!" They're totally rapey all over the manor, now! Thanks a lot, Remilia…!

I finish pushing the sofa. Not in front of the door; next to the door. They'll never see it coming…! "Define 'play'!"

Giggling was heard. "You know what we mean!" Oo~h, only too well.

The door creaks open, as I stand over it, holding a drawer from the dresser.

A maroon-haired fairy maid kicks the door open. "Guys, it's been open this whole time!"

The other fairies groaned, and walked in behind her...

"Come out and pla~y…" This lime-green haired one with pigtails calls out! As they move in, none of them bothered to look to the smaller side of the room...

They all stared at the pile of dresses on the floor, just in the door… when I drop a shelf on them!

Thu- thud! "Wh-what…!? No~!" Outflanked, son!

Thud- thud! The two maids at the back of the line that I dropped the shelf on fell forward, into their friends!

"Hey- you idiot…!"

"What happened!?"

Thu- thud. They're fallin' down! "Shit- aah…!"

I ran over the pile, stepping on one's back- "Kyaa~h!" -and ran outside, the bat that invaded the room earlier following me.

"Sorry to jet, but I'm in a hurry!" I call back to them, running down the hallway. I'm such an asshole...

Now to run down the hall and get some random encounters! I am so fucked!

"Alright, this place is pretty much Castlevania: the mansion edition. I've gotta be able to find some awesome crap to keep me from dyin' somewhere…" I talk to myself like a maniac, racing down the hall as some of the fairy maids race out of the door I came outta.

I run down a random array of turns and hallways before I come to a large set of double doors, which seem to be locked.

"Well, with any hope this is an exit… and not an elegantly designed door for another arbitrary part of the mansion!" I cheerfully exclaim to only myself, readying my plant hanger. "Time to do some mining!"

"Stop there, boy!" Oh, fuck. Some new fairy maids run down the hallway after me, from a different hall than the one I came down. Freakin'... lost the first wave, got a new wave. Good.

"Yo!" I call out, readying my plant hanger. "So…! Anyone here keeping track of my heads batted in? I am a skull smasher machine!" I'm trying to intimidate them…!

I inhale as a short, orange-haired fairy maid with a huge rack sprinted towards me, hands outstretched. "C'mere!" Intimidation failed! Abort!

Can't abort, fight fire with fire! I just jump into her arms and hit her in the head-


"Aaauu~gh…!" Slowly stepping back, she clutches her head and starts crouching.

Steppin' back, I, ah… huh. Her body stopped me from falling over from my jump, so that went way better than anticipated.

"Don't think you can escape us so easily, boy…" This taller fairy maid with long black hair- who also rolled up- actually bothers to send out danmaku as her opening attack. It's a pale dark grey combined with some blues, and the orbs slowly gravitate around her.


I weave past them 'cause they're not moving very fast and they're not coming for me! It's not much harder than dodging kids in the hallway at school every morning!

When I'm in range, she brings up her arms. "Coming directly to me? How bold… and fool-"

Clang! Promptly, I bring my plant hanger down on her head, dispelling the danmaku. "Freakin'...!"

"Ugh…" Grimacing, the maid stumbles back, her danmaku vanishing. "Fool…" Learn to not mock me when I'm in melee range…!

"No way… he defeated Komi-chan!" The orange-haired maid I hit earlier calls out in surprise!

"Let- let's fall back for now…" That slender blue-haired maid- that I'm pretty sure was in Remilia's throne room- began to back away. I didn't even see her approach…!

The fairy maids run away, leaving me standing there.

"Bo- boy…" 'Komi-chan' stumbles back, moving to retreat. "Remember this. I'll make you mine."

I give her the finger. "Do it, asshole!" Geesh. Not getting my ass kicked feels good.

Huffing, the maid turns and sprints off…

Man, this mansion's fucking crazy!

...Taking a breath, I turn to that freakin'... bat. "A'ight. Bat friend, chances are they'll be back with the nightmarishly difficult special forces squad! I'm gonna need something that hurts..." Homemade molotovs? We got alcohol here, right? Aah- fans…? This place has like candles and torches, no electricity, so no…

I turn to the door. "Or I could escape! That works too!"

Reeling my arm back, I hit the door with my plant hanger to be a dick-

Ti~ng! Ah, shit. They put up magic bullshit. The worst kind of bullshit. By that, I mean there's a shiny barrier here making sure I can't get in.

"Ah. Makes sense, I'd guess." I go up to the wall and hit it.

Bam! I make a small dent in it. Wait…

Bam! I hit it again!

...You know...

...From there, I spend a good thirty minutes whacking at the wall until I finally make a good hole to the other side. Just fucking mine through the wall. Your doors are bad, and you should feel bad!

"Man, Sakuya'd kill me if she saw me literally tearing holes in the wall…" Gettin' that early access! I crawl through the hole, and into the Voile Library...

...Oh, woah. Uhm… okay. This place is bigger than the entire goddamn mansion.

"Wow. How does this even fit? Holy shit..." I look around at the darkness above, no ceiling even in sight. What in the nine fucks.

The bat lands on my shoulder, resting there. What- what is it with you…? Well, this beats eating my face or whatever bats usually do in games. Guess this is a thing now!

...I almost don't want to wander into the library, but it's really not different than being lost in these halls. "Looks like this one's gonna be the long haul…" Finding private Patchy: the freakin' video game.


I've explored the boundless halls of the library. Now I have a chestplate… made from a vase I broke! For some reason, the bat didn't like this very much, nor did the flowers the vase used to hold.

There's no fairies in these shelves though, so it's just been… walking, sightseeing-

Woah. Suddenly, a sorta cherry scent…

I follow the perfumy scent deeper into the bookshelves. Eventually, I find a certain succubus talking with her purple-clad mistress.

I scrunch my nose, unsuccessfully attempting to block out Koakuma's apparent fragrance. If I thought rapist fairies were gonna be bad, fuck…

Well, Koakuma's typically quite reserved in fanon, so I don't think I'll have trouble if I can contain myself. She's… pretty hot, though.

Despite my attempt at stealth, I'm noticed instantly. "Ah, it's you. I've got a job for you, actually." Patchouli turns to me. She glances at the bat on my shoulder...

Glancing the plant hanger, she looks at my eyes again. "You're good with a cast iron, yes?"

Aw, yeah. "You could say that!" I provide, feeling for my plant hanger briefly. Still there in my pocket!

"I need you to retrieve something for me. I want to see if you have the ability to get as far as I'd hope you could." What? Patchouli words things freakin' vaguely.

Tha~t's a weird way of putting it, but alright! "Alri~ght. How ba-a-a-ad could it be?"

A magic circle appeared under my feet. "I'm going to teleport you to the front gate after instructing you about your task. You are to find the home of a black and white witch in the Forest of Magic. I'll give you a personal visionary marker that tells you where you need to go, as well. No need to waste my words on directions."

Is she… just sending me off on a suicide mission? First thing? I- um...

I stare at her incredulously. "...You sure I'm the right man for the job?"

...I mean, at least it's not 'kill ten fairies and shit yourself' or something similar. I might rather it be that, because I can do that, though!

Although, c'mon let's be real here, if a random nobody unimportant to your world showed up, what'd you have 'em do, ah? Do your freakin' laundry? Freakin'...!

Patchouli smiles. "Not at all. I might as well use you, though. Remi's interest in you clearly isn't that deep, so it should be no problem if you were to suddenly disappear. I'm sure you'd rather life beyond these walls than to be mercilessly abused by the fairykind here."

Oh. Cool, thanks.

...She eyed the bat again. "Despite the circumstances that be." What?

Well, anyway… "Thanks for the vote of confidence. What'll I do when I find that witch? Break her kneecaps?" Let's see, get raped by fairies o~r die to Marisa's master spark. Gensokyo's a fucking harder setting than I thought it'd be!

"Well, that, and I need at least six bags of books back." Patchouli gives me a fucking objective.

I stare back blankly. "Six bags. I've got two shoulders. I might need a little help here." What is this supposed to be, a bank heist? Give me a van, why don'cha?

Patchouli tosses me a sack. "Hammerspace bag. I have little use for it, and Remi doesn't necessarily use it for anything anymore, so it should be okay for you to have it."

Hammerspace!? Patchy my waifu you've just done saved my laifu!

I start putting stuff into it, so I have less crap adorning me. This is probably going to be- hands down, without a single doubt in my mind- the most useful item I could ever possibly get my hands on. This is my freakin'... like, some self-inserts get vampire powers, some get freakin' speed boosts or cheap workaround mechanics, some are loved and adored by everyone...

Me, my crutch? I got a bag that lets me horde. Life's goo~d, my boy!

Patchy meets my gaze again. "Your mission begins now. Don't die too quickly, will you? I'm sort of legitimately hoping you actually get me those books."

Aye aye, Patchy-chan! I'll- woah!

Magic flares up under me-



Meiling yawns, staring at the sun high in the sky. "...It's not bad out."


Stumbling out of the magic circle, I flail my limbs. "Ho~ly shit!" I am indeed outside… and Patchy has not telefragged me! This is a good start! I lost my vase chestplate, though...

"Wahuh!?" Meiling shouts out! "Where'd you come from!?"

I stare straight forward. "I am going on a hero's quest! I shall be back before dawnbreak of the nether year!" Don't care, have hammerspace!

Meiling furrowed her brows. "Say what?"

"Onward!" I march forward, cast iron plant hanger in the air as I march off towards the misty lake. I'll meet you later, Meiling, when I'm not so adrenaline pumped!


I stare at the lake in front of me. I bend down and touch the water with my hand-

"O~kay that's freakin' cold..." I shake my hand dry, the bat wary of the water.

I turn to my bat friend. "Can't swim either, I take it?" The bat opts to stare at me.

Hmm… "Two options. We build a boat and fuckin' tank the entire gods be damned lake, or we have a long walk of shame across the whole lakeside." I explain to the bat.

...It continues to just stare at me.

"Huh, tough crowd tonight. We're going boating!" I race towards the twigs and sticks and crap near the lake.

I pick up some of them. Okay, I've made boats on online games before, this shouldn't be too hard. Time to build a combat ship and sail it, dude!


"Sweet jesus fuck."

I stare at the raft, which is an oval-shaped donut comprised of loosely matted together leaves and sticks.

"We're going to die if we actually got this anywhere off-shore." I state plainly. Idly, I reach for the panty rope on my plant hanger...

The bat floats in front of me, staring at the contraption in almost disappointment. I didn't know a bat could look like that!

Nervously, I stand atop the raft… as all of it dissipates into the water except for the two bits I step on. This was a fucking terrible idea! Who am I!?

"I am a dead man!" I yell, finding my balance…! I throw the panty-rope forward at the water, but I don't know what I was expecting.

What I didn't expect was for the panty-rope to get caught on the bat.

"Eee~!" It scree~ches! Soarin' forward erratically, the bat's trying to escape the pair 'a panties latched to it! I'm somehow being pulled along, too~!

"No bat is this power- oh shit! Christ!" Holy crap I'm ripping through the water! Aaa~h!

So, yeah. I'm being pulled along by my shoes over the lake's surface by an abnormally strong bat, because I threw a rope of panties over it and it got fucking snagged by a pair.

We soared across the lake, but I was forced to jump to avoid a chunk of ice floating in the lake. Yeah- okay, just fucking glaciers now!?

"Where the fuck is the ecosystem!?" I yell, before skidding off the ice into the water-

Splash! Still being loosely pulled along by the bat, though! I'm just like, fucking belly surfing! "Holy shi~t!"

We reach the other side before long.

...The bat pulls me out of the shallows as it tries to escape, before actually escaping once I'm rendered immobile by the sand bank we drifted into.

I am cold and wet and sad. That was the stupidest shit ever…

Bonk. ...The bat freakin' batters itself against my head. No- fuck you, let me die here.

"He- hey, hey! I tried, okay!?" I yell at it, swatting it gently as I start to get back up. Sweet crunchy Christ...

As I stand, I see a path down the lake's shore a bit. I think we'll be taking that...

After getting onto it, we continue forth down the path ahead of us for a good while. Eventually, it splits into two paths, forcing me to choose...

"Hmmm…" I put my hands to my sides and look around. "Let's go left! I like left. I'm actually left handed!" I tell the bat-

Bonk. -which just bashes against my head again. Freakin'... it understands me apparently, which is a thing. Maybe.

"Gee, thanks." I continue walking down the path with the bat…

Eventually, we come to stone steps that lead up to a Shinto gate!

"Oh, this place!" It's Reimu's slum! "Now the question is... do I want to visit that place yet?" I put my hand to my chin. "...Actually, Marisa'd be there normally wouldn't she? That's helpful!"

Running up the stairs...

I quickly get tired by the amount of stairs. That's… a lot of stairs. Reimu's gotta be ripped.

Once the struggle is over, I reach the top, slowly and wastefully moving excessively as my fatigue catches up with me...

"Jesus fuck... that's some defense system…" I raggedly let out, taking deep breaths. In through the nose, out through the mouth…

"Hey, Reimu! You've got a visitor, ze!" Marisa Kirisame sat upon the front steps to the shrine.

The Hakurei shrine maiden walked out, staring at me. "Hmm? What do you want?"

Yeah- I'd like to know if you ordered a large Krusty Krab pizza. "Hey! Yeah, uh, I was tasked with finding a certain Marisa Kirisame?"

...Reimu turned to her friend. "How come the first place people search is my shrine when people want to find you?"

Marisa shrugged, smiling. "Don't ask me, ze."

Woah. That's the poofiest wizard hat I've ever seen, now that I think about it. Anyway- "Yo. I was tasked with finding books! Would you know where any of said books are?"

Marisa shook her head, making her enormous poofy hat jiggle. "Nope!" Oh okay sorry to trouble you.

"I see…" Nodding warmly, I stare at her... "Well, I think you're lying!"

Snorting, Marisa began to stand, lumbering onto her legs. "We~ll… why do you need the books?"

Looking away, I pop a grin before lookin' back at her. "I dunno. I'm on a quest, you see."

Nodding summore, Marisa drew her mini-hakkero. I tense up, 'cause oh shit my boy am I gonna get nuked the fuck outta town if this goes wrong...

"Oo~h? So you know already…" Marisa held her mini-hakkero like one would hold a pocket revolver, smirking knowingly...

She eyed the bat. "You working with that vampire, ze?"

I shrug awkwardly. "Da~h- I wouldn't say with, persay. I- aah- I'd say more like 'begrudgingly enslaved.'"

The bat bashed itself against my head again."Yo, cut that out...!" Freakin'...!

At that, Marisa snorted. "You'll just have to catch me, ze!"

Hopping onto her broom, she starts to drift off into the sky gently...

She slips her mini-hakkero onto the back of her broom, between the bristles. "Love Sign! Master Spark!"


Oh my god.

That beam is terrifying in person. Good thing she used it as propulsion and not to freakin' destroy me... because it would'ave. What do you even do to fight that. That laser was as big as like three of me.

Massive, bus-sized laser stretching off into the sky.


The noise of the amazing technicolor laser began to die down as it ran its course...

She soared off into the distance and- holy shit I just noticed the objective marker Patchouli gave me. Man that's trippy- it's like a green arrow but not at the same time, and it's only there if you look really high up, and-

Reimu sighed. "She can be such a handful sometimes…" She sat down at the front step.

Aw. Cuddly shrine maiden… I walked up next to her and sat down next to her. "Sure sounds like it."

Reimu looks at me blankly. "You don't look like you're from around here."

I shake my head. "I'm really not. ...I'm not entirely certain how I ended up here, but it's more fun than where I was, honestly. And that's saying something, too!"


After a quiet moment, Reimu stretches. "Hnn~... If only I was having as much fun as you were here."


Well, then! Wastin' no more time, I get up. "I've gotta go track down that witch and relieve her of some of those stolen goods… by stealing them, again."

Reimu gave me a blunt, deadpan goodbye. "See you later, if you don't die."

I chuckle. I remember when I used phrases like that ironically! "See ya later, Reimu."

Reimu tilts her head at me as I move towards the steps out. Going down's going to be like a breath 'a fresh air compared to going up the stairs...


I enter the forest of magic, glowing particles occasionally swirling through the air. Despite it being day, it's eerily luminous and dark here. I could hear the giggling of fairies and the faint clambering of danmaku bullets somewhere in the distance...

"Huh. Weird place. Wonder if it has any... glowing mushrooms…" I ask myself, glancing around.

I come up to a house. This better be Marisa's place or this is gonna be awkward!

...Alice Margatroid responds, opening the door. "Yes?"

This is gonna be awkward! I wave my hand. "Happen to know where a certain Marisa Kirisam-"

Bam. The door slams.

"Yo, woah no! I'm not here for her! I'm here in spite of her!" I yell back at the door!

...It slowly opens. "Is that so?"

I gesture to the bat on my shoulder. "This ring any bells?" Thank god it hasn't flown away into oblivion and exploded yet!

...Alice opens the door again. "Come on in."

Walkin' inside, I close the door behind me.

Dolls line the high shelves around the house. There's a back counter that stretches the entire back wall, with stuff on it, like cloth, spools, cutting devices, and doll people. The room's also got a central coffee table and some generic wood chairs!

Time ta cut to the chase, yo. "Alright, here's the scoop: I need to take six bags of books back from that Marisa girl, I'm only armed with a cast iron plant hanger and I've got a bat friend." The bat flutters its wings happily.

Alice sips from some tea on the table, apparently having sat down while I was lookin' around. "To put it simply, she'll destroy you."

Ahah. I scratched the back of my head. "Yeah, I saw that laser. It was an experience."

...After a delay, Alice stood up. "It'd be dangerous to let you go alone with something as stupid as… I-I don't even know what to call that…" Alice looked at my plant hanger with a rope of panties tied to it with vague disdain...

Grinning, I nod at it. "Me either. It's a work in progress." I throw it into the hammerspace sack, the rope of panties flowin' on in behind it.

She just gives me a skeptical nod. "Right…" With that, Alice floats over to another room. "Come, follow me."

With Alice in the room ahead of me, I turn to the bat. Freakin'...

Is it me, or do magicians love to float everywhere? I suppose I would too though, so freakin', fair enough...

The bat doesn't seem to react to my stare, opting to stare back at me. Ba~ts.

I walk in after Alice, seeing her place some objects on the table. This seems to be her room...

"Here," she places a doll down, which has an aquamarine, checkered vest. Next to it she lays down a rather elegant looking operating cross. It looks like it's made 'a silver and rubies. "I'm testing to see if I can have others easily operate dolls via streamlined operating crosses like these."

I lift it. It feels comfortable enough to wield… It's about as heavy as the plant hanger.

"Now… You shouldn't be able to do much with it, but you can call up that London doll you see there to assist you in combat. She should just fire a few bullets and retreat." Alice suggests some strategy. What, you mean I can't play it like an old PS2 game…?

I take the moment to look at all the dolls in the room, who are all looking at me. Oo~h...

"I see we've got a lot of friends here!" I always liked plush dolls! These, however… are not plush dolls. They're freakin' annihilator dolls.

Alice smiles. "That I do. Speaking of which; do you think you could get say, six more sacks of books?"

Woah say what now. "Who do I look like, the payday gang?" ...Scratch that, I probably do compared to some of Gensokyo's common denizens. "...Well, considering I've got London there giving me coverfire, I might last more than ten seconds."

Alice shrugs innocently. "You know, it'd be the least you could do for me, what with giving you my experimental operating cross and all…"

Hey. I put up my hands. "I never said I disagreed, besides my near-disagreeal!"

...Alice sipped her tea calmly. "Be careful, you. I'm not sure if I could do with someone's death on my conscience."

Nye~h, alright. Taking the operating cross, I store it in my sack… "I'll try, yo." Time to go freakin' impale myself on Marisa's twelve-inch futa dick, yo.


I crawled through the underbrush, coming up to a cozy little shack; the hazy yet crisp forest atmosphere felt weird, but also calming.

Walking up to the door, I decide that I'm clinically retarded. "Better idea..." I looked at the window instead, but yet again reach the conclusion that I am clinically retarded. "Too obvious… and probably booby-trapped."

From there I take one look at the wall… and then pull out my plant hanger. "There we go~." Walls are only delaying the inevitable!

Bam! I started bashing on the wall, but it was somehow made of sturdier stuff than the interior of the mansion. I suppose that's the perks of it being the external walling to the house…

Bam! But still, fuck you, wall! If I can't get inside, I'll leave my calling card in the form of angry dents!

Marisa slams her door open. "What the hell's going on out here, ze!?"

I point my plant hanger at her. "The books! We've come for the books!"

"We?" Quickly, Marisa whips her head around, looking for more people...

"Yeah, we." The bat on my shoulder flutters briefly, as I pull out the operating cross from the sack.

Pressing a button on it, a London doll comes from parts unknown to my side. Yo~! I've got a wing man, dude!

"Oh ho ho! Alice sent you, did she? You're no match for me then, ze!" Giddy, Marisa floats up into the air on her broom…

Crouching down under 'er, I freakin' scramble and dash inside. Get owned!

Clack! "Hey!" Marisa stomps down behind me, trying to stop my crawl!

I point the London cross at the floor behind me and slam on the diamond-shaped button in the center-

Patatat! London blocks the way and shoots a small stream of diamond danmaku, forcing Marisa to temporarily stop in her front door… "Hell…" She aims at it!

It's payday, son! It's freakin' payday- how am I gonna do this!? How am I going to quantify bags!? Screw it, down the hatches!

I start scooping random books from various piles into my sack!

Bam- cla- clank, clank! London shatters to pieces against the wall next to me, Marisa having lasered it into oblivion.

"Oh, god! London's in a pickle!" Crouch down I better! Aah-

Fwam! A blurry white laser roars over my head! Christ!

"Get out of my damn house!" Marisa roars from the doorway, running towards me! Um, shit… wait, pop out from behind table and-


Before Marisa can double back from my movements, I throw myself at her and jab her in the gut with my plant hanger! "Augh…!?" She cringes back!

"Sorry about that! Business as usu- fah…!?"

Marisa has her arm on my arm! "No you fuckin' don't, kid!" Aah-

Fwam! Laser to the gut!

"Hua~gh!" Oh my go~d! I'm- I'm not bleeding but damn! Ow, ow-

Fwam! She misses me with another shot, but just barely, wiggling her hand and trying to faze it over me-

Clonk! The bat intervenes by whapping her in the head! Ow, ow…

While Marisa aims her mini-hakkero at the batling, I work to scoop up books! I'll take the whole fuckin'-

Oh. Bat's back at me, and Marisa looks like she wants to delete me from the story by holding down the fire button fire and wiggling herself around.

Why did it only hit her once!? I look at the batling. "You! Do the bat things!"

It bashes against my head.

"No!" I alternate between swatting the bat and scooping books into my sack.

"You're fuckin' dead, ze!" Holding a hand to her ribs, she aims her mini-hakkero at me- oh my god-

Fwam! Ducked a laser!

"Love Sign...!" Are you for fucking real- oh hell no please don't do that...

Fuck me~! Run, run, run-

"Master Spa~rk!" Aaa~h!

I run towards the front door, as Marisa brings her aim around a little to try and track me


The laser erupts, taking out the right wall of the house.

Thud- ow, ugh…

I barely escape the radius by rolling past the desk and fucking diving out the front door and onto my side, eating shit as I slide down Marisa's front steps like a goddamn sack 'a potatos…


The beam dies again. Oo~h…

Then, I blanch. "London's... been taken into custody!" Alice'll be pissed, man! Why is Gensokyo this hard!? Who put these trees here!? Aaa~h, aaa~h! I thought I was gonna get laid and be a harem master and aaa~h!

The operating cross's power flickers out. Rest in pieces, London…

Feverishly, running around the flank 'a Marisa's love shack, my footsteps go unheard after the loud roar of noise that was the Master Spark still echoed subtly throughout the forest, and our ears.

"...I think I got 'em…" Marisa is panting, standing in her front door.

Ca~refully, I slink around to the hole in the wall. Marisa walks outside to look around...

I walk inside through the hole she made earlier and start attempting to dump shelves into my bag again. Yeah, no breaks on this suicide train. When the mage is away, the mice will play!

This is where I discover Marisa has spidey senses. "What!? How!?" Marisa yells, running back to her house!

"Ve- very carefully!" I yell back, before taking out the panty rope. "These are the panties of those who have fallen before! Now they will include you!"

"Oh, hell no!" Marisa hops on her broom! And she- oh fuck there's no way I'm stopping that with a cast iron-

Woosh! I dive under her by a freakin' hair. She tried to like violate my skull with her broom.

She probably expected my dive would result in me being beheaded by the tip of the broom, but thankfully I was quick enough to not get freakin' be-paled by her broom...

Yeah- I think I have enough books now. My limbs are shaking and my head is pounding- "Go, go, go~!" I ran out the front door again, towards where Alice's house'd be…

However. The popo be fast on my ass.

"Give me my shit back!" Star-shaped danmaku whizzes past me as I ran at an angle away from her… or so I hope. I dunno where exactly behind me she is!

Desperately weaving as closely to trees as I can to try and throw her off, I find they don't delay her much if at all. Quickly, she was gaining on me… and if she got to me, I'd be freakin' gibbed!

I reach into my bag of tricks, and pull out the still-dead operating cross. Woah no! Putting my hand back in, putting away the cross, I take out my NERF blaster...

Cockin' it, I aim backward, and fire!

Pap! ...A dart doesn't even leave the barrel, the blaster presumably jamming as it usually does after long periods of non-use. Goddammit.

"Wh- what the hell kind of weapon is this!?" I throw it back into the sack! With little other options, I pull out a book, and toss it backwards-

Thunk! "Fua~h…!?" Marisa was right on my ass, but the book beaned her in the head and caused her to spiral to the floor-

Thud- thud- thud. "Eugh- fuguh- aaugh!" Yes! Eat it, Marisa! You just got out engineered, son!

"I- I'd be just as pissed as you are right now!" I shout back, running through the clearing ahead…!


I can't believe I pulled that shit off. Sweet Jesus...

Arriving at Alice's lawn, I hear Marisa close in on me again... but the dolls nearby reacted and started slowing her down with danmaku streams!

"Dammit all!" She's pissed. I have made a day one enemy. "Who the hell!?"

"Tightest crew ever!" Said crew is only a freakin' bat and a dead doll, but they were still pretty tight! Oh- and Alice's cast, too, those guys are pretty legit for helpin' me out.

Adrenaline pumping, I bolt into Alice's house and slam the door behind me. "I~'ve returned... from my qu- quest... with success!" Out of breath...

"I can see that." She takes another sip from her tea, seated at a plain table.

Banging was heard at the front door. "Not cool, ze! Open yer damn door!"

Alice sighed. "Taste of her own medicine, I suppose. Go out the back, my dolls will cover you."

Nodding, I start to move... "Thanks there, Alice." I begin to exit through the back, sweating like crazy and my limbs aching from all this running...

"Tell Patchouli I'll come by later to sort out whose is whose, alright?" Alice calls out, before turning to the door-

Boom! Marisa fucking made it explode!

"Ali~ce!" Marisa hollered as she sprang inside!

"Calm down, you insufferable cretin." Alice's dolls surrounded her and drew weapons, as I closed the door back door…

Was this back door here before? Ah, whatever...

Run! Fly~ ever free~, so free before the thunderstorm…!

Boom- fwafwam- baboom! Moving away from the house, I hear explosions and see lasers and swords sail out of the walls.

"Fookin' disco lasers. You see dat?" I gesture towards the laser light show being produced by the house. "Shit's what nightmares are made of… oh ho ho ho!" I shiver and hug myself, walking towards what I'm pretty sure was the right way out of the forest.



After some lean mean running into the sunset, we're at the lake!

After staring into the shallows, I make my decision. "Yeah, no, uh-uh, we're going around it this time. Sun's pretty much down and I don't feel like taking a trip on the hypothermia express." I wave off the water route. Fu~ck that. I can't even swim.

The bat fluttered lightly, presumably in agreement. Man, I'm fucking weird, talking to a bat…


Coming up to the gate, I find the good guard, yo. Actually, Meiling's awake and standing guard! I dunno how much she sleeps in this iteration though…

Approaching Meiling, I make myself a friendly person. "Yo! I'm the new guy, and I got the books back!" I open the hammerspace bag and show Meiling the books.

She nods, smiling. "Aa~h. Patchouli asked me to look out for you, on the off chance you lived. She said she expected you back in about a week though…"

Smirkin' at her, I nod in confirmation. "Yeah, well, let's just say I diplomatized with people. They were friendly, dude."

...Meiling nods skeptically. "Well, go on in." She moves towards the gate-

Crea~k. With a simple push, she opens the likely iron gate. Coo~l…

I proceed through it-

Cla- clang. Meiling closed it behind me.

Man, this place looks like a freakin' fortress from outside…

Progressing to the front door, I pull it open with some freakin' effort, and go on inside…

Oh, yeah, the lobby I keep forgetting to talk about. It's big, has a big central staircase, some end tables 'n' vases, some couches, a chandelier-

Sakuya was instantly behind me, knife to my throat. "My mistress did not give you permission to leave."

Oh my god- he- hey, fuck… "Yea- yeah, but her friend did!"

"Who?" Sakuya, c'mon...

"Patchouli Knowledge, resident librarian. Quest for books. I lived, by the way." How's that shit for a name drop?

...I was released from Sakuya's vice like hold.

"Good job on that one." Sakuya vanished. Yeah, you better congratulate me. Freakin'... egh! I pat my throat where she held the knife. Je~sus...

I began to wander the halls randomly until I found the library.


News flash: didn't find the library. Just halls. Alotta halls.

"Medic! Doc! C'mon man!" I shout into the void.

Sakuya appears. "What are you screaming about?"

I gesture wildly "Ebadooba- gotta library do… ba!"

Sakuya vanishes.


"Hey, wait, come back, friend, come back!" Help, no!

Sakuya appears. "Make it count."

Making it count, I open the sack full of books. "Library, directions, geographical coordinates, the works! Double fries on the side!"

Sakuya sighs. "Alright. Take a left, right, left, left, left, left, right, then you need to walk forward past a few intersections, and finally, once you reach the end, you take a right turn and then go backwards until you reach the double doors."

I furrow my brows. "...Did you- did you just tell me to take four lefts? Also, I'm never going to remember that..."

The bat on my shoulder flaps its wings excitedly.

After givin' me a stare for a few moment, Sakuya turns around and begins walking. "Just follow me…"


That only took two turns. Sakuya, you freakin' hacker.

We come to the double doors, and she pauses as she notices the hole in the wall...

"What even…" She stares at it incredulously, examining the damage.

I pretend to be a little shocked too. "Geesh. Those fairy maids can get a little rowdy, huh?"

Sakuya shakes her head. "I guess so…" She goes to open the door, and opens it with ease when it was locked for me earlier. That's nice.

We walk into the library, and within moments reach Patchouli's study. Sakuya must know all the tips and tricks when it comes to hallway navigation...

"Yo ho ho!" I call out, brandishing the sack. "I bring loot from the crusade!"

Patchouli looks up from the book. "How many bags?"

I pour the books out onto the table in front of her, covering the table. A few books fall off from the pile produced.

"...I dunno, I mean… oh man that's alotta books I dunno…" I faux-nervously give a sideways stare at the books. Patchouli gives me a questioning glance, before looking to the pile.

Oh, right. Looking up at her, I mention a thing I remember. "Oh, yeah. Alice said she was gonna stop by at some point and pick out the ones that were hers, since she lost some too."

Patchouli nods. "Ah, yes. That'll be fine. I suppose you wish for some form of reconciliation after this?"

I just kinda shrug. "It'd be nice I guess."

"Here." She tosses me a red book. "Consider it a stock, if you will. I doubt you could read it, but it's better than nothing."

Openin' up the book, and- hello English! This might be better than I thought actually… "Say, u~h, where'd you get this book from anyhow?"

Patchouli raised a brow. "That gap demon said it was a valuable text from another realm. To my disappointment, however, it's just some rookie's magic book written in a common Western language. I didn't think the outside world dabbled in magic at all, but apparently they have a few diehards left."

I raise a brow as well. "That's… pretty curious, actually. Huh."

Patchouli waves a hand. "I'll be resuming my reading now. I assume you're done here?"

Mmm. "Yeah, pretty much. See ya later, Patchouli."

Sakuya had vanished earlier in the exchange, I realized. Time to just go wandering until I find my way around somewhere…!

Walkin' down the hall, I hold the book open, givin' it a nice read. The cover and back were blank, but the book was a weathered red. Despite this, it was all in plain, modern day English, which was curious.

I read the text…

'Magic as easy as one, two, three!... If you're following other's footsteps… and if you're casting insanely simple spells… and if you've got actual magic ability… In any case, this book is to teach you how to throw a simple fireball so your mage friends won't fucking destroy you the coming Saturday at the wizard-casting-game or whatever the fuck other wizards do. I don't know, we don't keep in touch! Just the other weekend…'

The book quickly trailed off into ranting, so I just skipped ahead like, ten pages. This seems more like a freakin'... satire book than a tome.

'...When it comes to innate magical ability, most people got nothin', and some people got somethin'. It helps if you're a magician, the species, as it were. Peculiar name, I always thought, but that's a story for another day. You could use willpower, but after like two fireballs you might go suicidal and nobody wants that. You know what, you can figure this out.'

Grinning at my bat friend beside me, I nod vigorously. "Two thousand fifteen times were weird!"

I flip ahead to page twenty. 'Alright, casting the fireball. This can take years of mathematical skill, prowess, and knowledge… or the right magic chops to pull it off by being an overly emotional bast- you know what let's not go there. Right, so for the latter, you gotta call upon your inner funky self, and imagine your hand holding a ball of fucking fire. Yes, not any fire, it has to be fucking fire. I don't care how you do it, just do it. Next, you lob it. Ever play Super Mario Brothers? Yeah, it's like that. That good enough? I think that's good enough. The next one hundred and eighty-five pages will be me drawing pornography because I'm bored of writing this book.'

I shut the book. "I can take a look at all that sweet porn later! Let's go try out that fireball thing!"

Those fairy maids from earlier came strolling down the hall, before noticing me.

A yellow-haired maid gazes at me, and smiles widely. "Oooh, he's all alone now!" They didn't realize I had stuff in that visibly empty hammer-sack!

"Hehe~y, boy toy!" The small orange-haired fairy gave me an uneven grin, before turning and-

Pap! -slapping her ass. "How's it look!?" ...What!?

A purple-haired fairy stared at her in dismay, while the black-haired tall one came forth.

"I will dominate you." She claims, pointing a finger at me. Oh, it's that asshole...

"Oo~h, you're real scary! Why don't you come a little closer?" I stash the book in the sack, and hold my arms up as if I'd do freakin' fisticuffs.

Komi's hands begin glowing with black energy. "You really don't realize what I'd like to give you. It's an inevitability, anyway..."

My bat friend flies off my shoulder and starts to hover around the general area of this altercation. Ah…?

"Well, guess what?" I ready myself to lob a fireball. I hope this works!

She smirks, holding a danmaku spread in a condensed orb above her head. Oh boy! "What?"

Shutting my eyes, I throw my arm forward like I'd throw a rock, envisioning an orb of fire. "Fire!" I shout, for effect and placebo. I did have those two freakin' level up moments earlier, so this should work…

Fwoom! A very freakin' wimpy fireball soared into her. It had little form and was more like just a brush of fire... "Wha-... fire!? Fire, fire...!" The black-haired fairy ahead started shouting, brushing her clothes.

"Komi-chan! Stay still, we'll help!" The orange fairy and her other technicolor friends close in to help her.

Yo, batter up! pull out my cast iron plant hanger, and rush towards the orange fairy…!

Turning to me, she grins. "Suck it!" Fwoom. She creates a stationary orange orb...

Yo! I double jump right on over it, and bring my plant hanger down on her head!

Thunk! "Aaauu~gh!" ...She clutches her head and slowly falls to the floor dramatically!

The other two fairies- yellow hair and freakin' purple hair- reach to grapple me.

Yellow chick grabs onto my leg, baring her teeth. Freakin'- why would you? I shake my leg free-

"Just stop…" Floating up, purple chick hugs me, attempting to press my face into her chest-

Whack! "Guh…" I whack her in the ribs with my hanger, forcing her to back off...

"Them danmaku bullets aren't so hot when they don't hit nothin' now are they!?" I shout at 'em!

'Komi-chan', as it were, was finally extinguishing the flames on her maid uniform simply by freakin' patting them out...

"Da- damned rascal." Her voice is uneven, at first. "You'll make a good footstool, for us..."

I double take. Man, she's assertive! "Since when were fairies such condescending pricks?"

'Komi-chan' makes a disdainful face. "You won't be saying that when you're licking our feet…"

The yellow-haired fairy that grappled my leg earlier is back up, gritting her teeth at me. Freakin'...

Clonk! I side-swipe her with an unexpected but heavily telegraphed swing of the hanger, sending her sprawling to the floor. By no rights should that have normally hit anything.

This blue fairy comes up outta fookin' nowhere and tries to punch my face, but I block it with the hanger. "Don't you guys have danmaku!?"

The blue fairy's eyes widen. "Oh- oh, uhm- weh- yeah…"

She summons a blue orb. It slowly homes towards me in a spiraling arc…

It'd miss me if I stood still, but if I were to move it'd probably be an unhappy experience.

...So I stood still.

"Ahh… No fair…" She pouted, looking crestfallen.

...Showin' some mercy, I walk over to her. "Look, if you don't stop attacking me and run away immediately, I'm gonna shove this plant hanger so far up your ass you'll feel it when you respawn."

She opens her mouth, but words don't come out. She falls backward, and starts crawling away.

Now where was- "Oh shit!"

Komi brought her arms up under my shoulders from behind and restricted my arms. She leans over my left ear, whispering into it. "You're mine now…" Fuck- no, no, no...

Oh, right! I stomp on her foot. "Anh! Dammit!" Her grip loosens, and I get one arm out of her grip.

She brings both arms around my last arm. "No! You- you won't escape that easily, slave!" Desperately, she pulls against my arm in an attempt to throw me off balance, but fails as I pull against her.

I reach into my sack, which was still around my waist. My plant hanger was currently in the arm in the fairy's grasp, but…

Bringing out out the operating cross of Alice's, I sigh. The lights on it are still dark….

I stare at it and thrust it into the air, hoping I can do something with it.

Shi~ng! Light lines swirl around me and meet at the top of the operating cross, the red diamond in the center lighting up again. Oo~h! I~... feel a bit emptier than before, but I did something! Ah-

Thud. Agh! Freakin'... I'm finally pushed onto the floor, the operating cross falling away, as the black fairy straddles me.

My sand red plant hanger clatters to the floor beside me, leaving me unarmed and vulnerable under the domineering maid's leer.

She huffs, leaning over me. "I'm your new mistress. Got it?"

No fuck you, get off... "Damn it..." No, no, no...

She reaches her hands up my shirt, noticing my displeasure. "I suppose I should make you get it, then… slave."

I sigh, trying to press my arms against hers, but her strength proves greater…

This can't be how this goes! I- fuck-... My- my life just started here- someone fucking help me!

She attempts to slide up my shirt, but I fight to try and keep it on. "No- look, can we cut a deal or- ngh..."

Frowning, she aggressively reasserts her position on my waist, pressing her hands into my chest to do so. The motion forces me to exhale, pushing out my breath...

"About fucking time…" She huffs, disdainfully glaring into my eyes. "It's time I've gotten a chance to fuck you. And-"


London floated expressionlessly in the air down the hallway. Oh my god…

...I have such a boner from that hot fairy maid. I was so fucked. She had me. Jesus Christ...

Stumbling to my feet, I walked over to London... "...Yo- I know you're not sentient, but... thanks." I shake London's hand, but she doesn't respond at all. You're the best mobile sentry doll a man could ask for.

I walk over to the operating cross and pick it up. Putting it into the sack, London begins following me again.

The bat lands on my shoulder, looking really pleased. No- fuck you. You watched.

Whatever… "Well, I'm glad someone's happy..." I begin walking aimlessly down the hall again, when…

Sakuya appears. "The mistress requests-..." She looks at all the beat up fairy maids, then at London.

I raise my hands. "In my defense, it's a long story... and they're mean people!" I point my fingers at the black fairy exaggeratedly.

Sighing, Sakuya begins to lead the way. "...Follow me, and don't beat up anyone on the way, alright?"

Smiling, I just shake my head. "No promises."

Sakuya whirls around and stares at me.

Freakin'... I raise my hands again! "Alright, I promise, I promise!"

Whirling back around, she continues forward. Touchy…! Jeez, yo. I almost got freakin' lewded, and this is how I get treated?


I sat down at a table that was inconspicuously in the middle of the throne room now.

The bat flies over to Remilia's shoulder. I'm slightly hurt that the bat friend would leave me like that, but I suppose it's a bat after all, and she's a vampire and they're probably good buddies or something.

Arms propped on her table, and head upon said arms, Remilia looks tired. "So, how was your day?"

It was night now, according to the clocks. "Eventful, and vaguely treacherous. It was productive, somehow, though!"

Remilia chuckles, as the bat friend is absorbed into her. Wait, what?

"I suppose that's one way of describing it… You live in interesting times." Remilia grins at me, eyes filled with mirth.

I slowly raise a hand, and point at her. "So wait, that bat…"

She nods. "It was me, yes. Part of me."

I nod. "Ahhh… That's handy!"

She raises a brow. "That's all you have to say?"

You watched me almost get raped to oblivion by one of your maids. I'm not sure if I should bring that up, but freakin'...

"Oh, right." I think I'll just give her a dumbed down version of my internal rage. "You've been stalking me this entire day!"

Remilia chuckled. "Fufufu. It was quite a show, too!"

Ho ho ho! "Well, at least me talking to you had a point!"

Grinning, Remilia took a quaint sip from her tea. "...You know that witch won't let that go, right?"

Yea~h… I nod at that. "Well, I had to piss somebody off, eventually. Why not now?"

Remilia shakes her head lightly, swirling her tea. "So, what do you think you'll do tomorrow?"

Good question. "I dunno, exactly. I'd probably wander around until someone gave me something to do."

...Eyebrows raising, Remilia's grin widens. "I think I know just what to assign you to do…"

"Oh yeah?" I look at her curiously; surely it couldn't be any worse- No! No… Not thinking thoughts that will jinx me…

"I've noticed that some of our fairy maids have grown… more disobedient than usual. It's normally no big problem, except…" Remilia trailed off, facial expression falling.

"Curiously, they've tried outright malicious things. For example, they attempted ambushing Patchy at one point, and later they attempted to hold her familiar hostage. That particular altercation only lasted seconds; Patchy's no slouch and Sakuya was there in a heartbeat... but even so.

"These fairy maids are typically pretty rowdy… but never quite as much as they've been. They're maliceful and, as you've seen, lewd. I even hear word of them conspiring against me, but luckily they know not of the weakness of vampires."

I see… so basically you're trying to bullshit out a reason for me to throw myself into the rapezone some more for your own amusement. That, or there's actually a situation… but if there was, I wouldn't be the leading role, lemme tell ya! I've been here literally a single day.

She stops to sip her tea, so I use the pause to ask a question. "Say, why have me on the job for this? Shouldn't Sakuya be going around busting some heads?"

Remilia shakes her head. "They behave themselves with her around, therefore that doesn't drive the point home. What we need is someone they view as weak, to show them who's boss around here. Someone on their level." Aw. That's pretty much on the money…

Fuck, I don't have a way to word myself out of this, do I? That's pretty much my fault for letting Remilia just talk and talk and talk… but even so, it shouldn't be so bad.

That one maid, Komi, nearly… dominated me, but I should be prepared for others!

She begins briefing me on the things! "Tomorrow, there will be a snack cart that Sakuya was originally going to bring around the mansion around noon herself. Instead you'll be driving it around the whole day."

...Ahah. I look at her questioningly. "What's a snack cart have to do with stopping fairy terrorism?"

Smirking, she sets her teacup down and interlocks her fingers. "Since you'll be pushing it, they're going to try to rig it, and throughout this day I've dropped 'leaked plans' of the snack cart's route. You'll get them too, so you know where to go."

Oo~h, shieu~t. It's gonna be an ambush, yo… and I'm the trap! "Already expected me to accept, huh?"

"Not like you'd have a choice anyway. I'd just force you if you weren't willing." Remilia straight up tells me I got no choice. I figured as much…!

...At my non-response, Remilia continues. "The fairies intend to plant a bomb on it, and they've planned for multiple attempts. I don't know if they have more bombs- but we only have one snack cart, so presumably they plan to jump the cart at different intervals of the day to bomb other locations if other attempts fail."

Why are they trying to bomb a snack cart? What, fuck those snacks in particular? That's snackism.

Hmm~... "Where'd you learn about all this?"

"Fufufu~... Boy, I am the head of this mansion. There is little I do not see that goes on here." Remilia restates her freakin' rulership.

Vampires also got awesome senses, don't they…? There was also that tiny bat camera. She's definitely got a lotta tools... "Point taken, and well made."

...After a moment, the clock strikes ten or so, and Remilia sips her tea again. She really likes her tea, doesn't she?

"I think it's time you head back to your room." Remilia suggests, which probably translates to 'formally commands'.

She's not wrong, though. "Yeah, I should. I'm a little tired. See ya later, Remilia." I walk out of the room, closing the door behind me.


I somehow got back to my room in moments. These halls have a freakin' mind of their own.

Bam. I slam the door behind me…

"Sweet, sweet bed!" I land on the bed! Pomf! "Aaahh…" My bloody back…

I sit the operating cross on the end-table by the bed. London floats up to it and sits on it, acting sentry. Hohohoh!

...Sleep takes me quickly as I lie on top of the covers, thinking about the day. Ha~h… fairy maids.

I kinda wish I could just give in and give myself to them, but at the same time I feel like that'd be a terrible idea. Maybe they're like… really nice if you get to know them.

Aah. Well, whatever, I'm not brave enough to find out. That kind of thing's scary, and some decisions, there's not any goin' back...


Aptly, I dreamt of fairy maids. What went down in said dream is none 'a your freakin' beeswax.

...I clamber out of bed lazily, and somewhat stiffly. I never liked sleeping in my clothes. The bat is sitting beside my bed, staring at me.

"Oh, hey Remilia. Watching me sleep, were you?" Freakin'...

The bat lightly bashes against my head, causing me to chuckle. "Heheh…"

...The door to the room's wide open, and a cyan haired fairy maid's sprawled out on the floor in front of the door, eyes spiraling. Her hair was long and her form was slender… but she musta busted in to try and rape my ass!

Man, that's tempting. If I didn't have London there, what the hell would I have woken up to? Christ, I didn't even think of that!

"Fuck yo~u… yo." I verbally abuse her freakin' fairy corpse. I felt like being very aggressive towards her, because freakin'... how underhanded is that!? Rape me in my sleep!? Nngh…

I glance London, who's still sitting on the cross. "Thanks again, London."

Taking this opportunity, I take the operating cross and put it in my sack.

Time to go on outside, and see what fairy maid bullshit I can beat up today!

...Right outside the door, Sakuya stood there, hands on the cart. The cart had a curtain draped over it. Oh yeah, payload mode! I forgot about that mission Remilia wanted me to go on.

"Don't screw this up." Immediately, she vanishes. Fucking- good, thank you. Couldn't even give me one dagger? A kitchen knife? A butter knife?

"Oh, boy!" I giddily shout to myself. "It's time for some payload action! That, and survival against probable hordes of pissed fairy maids!" Remilia's bat lands on my shoulders, resting on its usual spot.

Admittedly, I'm eager to test my skills. No goin' back now!

My first stop would be the the library, it appeared. Morning pancakes for Patchy, an ice cream for Koakuma- who the hell eats ice cream at six in the morning? I mean, besides me on a Saturday?

Alright, a left, right, left, right, and forward. Guess that was the path I took last time. I don't freakin' know because this place has ill-defined space and time.

Like this, I start to push teeny tiny cart!

After a long period of nothing, the cart reaches the library's double doors. Not much maid presence, today…

I go to open said doors-...

Patchy why the fuck would you lock me out. How the fuck'm I supposed to bring you pancakes?

Thankfully there's still that hole in the wall to the right. Maybe I ca-

"There it is! Stop that cart!"

"This bastard..."

"He- he does look kind- kinda cute…"

"Namori-chan, you say everyone looks kinda cute!"

Komi's here… and so is that blue-haired fairy- apparently 'Namori-san' as she were- as well as that orange-haired fairy.

Feeling my heart leap into my throat, I point my hanger at them. "...Hey. You ain't gonna win!"

Namori timidly stepped forward, pressing her fingers together... "Um… If- if you give up... we ca- can make you feel really good..."

Such an innocent way to put it. "Hahaha- no." Even so, let's not.

Orange fairy turns to her friend. "Seriously, Namori-chan? Ya thought that'd work?"

Namori chuckled nervously. "Eheh… sorry, Koi-chan…"

Folding her arms, Komi steps back, commanding her friends. "Round him up, and pin him down."

Oh, shit…! They're gonna round me up before they try to round me down!

Smiling, Koi claps her hands together. "Take this!"

Fwo-fwoom. Two large orange orbs erupt from her, and slo~wly home towards me…

Running around them, I crouch as I move to the left of them. Namori strafes around the side, her dukes up…

Since I was crouching, the orbs lowered to my position. This allowed me to spring up and double jump over them…!

"Hey…!" Koi starts to raise her arms as I near her! "Back off, asshole! I just wanna fuck, not get fucked up."

...As I approach her, I hear someone catchin' up behind me!

Swinging her arm, Koi generates another orb-

Fwoom. It's stationary, and orange, and in my fucking way!

I charge through it-

Auu~gh! Fuck, that sucks! Oo~h… damn!

Leaping sloppily, I flail my hanger down onto Koi's head-

Thunk! "Aaauugh…!" Slowly, she starts to crouch, clutching where I hit...

"Whatsamatter, you fookin' stoopid!?" I bark out my taunt at her, as-

Namori wraps her arms around me from behind, pressing her face into my back. "Pl- please…"


Clutching the operating cross, I press the diamond on it, demanding help from my doll friend…

"Stay sti~ll…" Namori continues to weakly clutch my form. She's… no where near as strong as Komi, actually.

Komi starts stepping forward, looking eager. "Fufufu…" Geez…

Once Komi reaches me, she raises her leg and presses her shoe to my chest. The way she does so allows me a view up her skirt, her black panties exposed to the air. "What's the matter, boy?"

...In an effort to draw this encounter out as long as possible, I start speaking!

...Slo~wly. "...I~... a~m…"

Komi's expression slowly falls, unsure of my actions.

"Go~ing…" I take a breath. Aa~h, fresh hallway air, yo…

Pi~chun! A sudden flurry of yellow danmaku wiped Namori from the face of the earth! Freakin'- I felt the wind from her exploding into mana behind me. Christ…!

Now free, I spring offa Komi's shoe, and start running to get some distance.

"Boy!" Calling out for me, Komi starts to run at me. Target her, London, c'mon!

Patatat! London does indeed fire at her, but misses because its aim is shite. Freaking-

Noticing this, the maid grabs onto an end table nearby, and moves towards the doll. "Fu~ck off!"

Very slowly, she swings it wide at the doll while it's idle-

Bam! London's sent spinning by the end table's blow!

Running up to her while she's still holding it, I bring the plant hanger around and press it against her neck.

"Guh…?" Komi tenses up, as I begin trying to choke her with it. "Fu- fuhk…!?"

C'mo~n! I've had enough of this fairy MVP bullshit! Just go down…!

Ow- fuck, no! Ah- Komi stomped my shoe to break the hold this time. Wow, talk about freakin' karma…

Spinning around, Komi grabs onto my plant hanger. "No! You don't fucking need this anymore…!"

Says you! "Sod off…!"

She tries to bring her leg up to kick me, but we're too close for that to really work realistically. Like this, we're trapped in a tug-o-war-

Slap! Oo~w! She slapped me…!

"Dog!" She begins verbally abusing me! "Mutt!"

Furrowing my brows, I freakin' scan her body, before deciding to just reach for her face-

She grabs my arm with her free arm. "Grrh…!"

Aaa~h, aaa~h! I am gonna deck you, you stupid-


...I almost fall forward, pushing against nothing after London's supporting danmaku made Komi explode to death again.

"God damn…" I rub my cheek. That fairy maid's something else compared to her freakin'... companions.

...Koi's still a few feet away, crouching and clutching her head. I'll just… ignore her.

Moving past the cart, and towards the wall, I see that hole I made again!

I crawl through the hole in the wall, and move to the double doors.

Now within Voile, I'm able to just unlock the door from the inside, and open it. Cool defense.

Darting into the hallway, I grab the cart and hastily push it into the aisles of shelves ahead.


Patchouli munches on her pancakes, and Koakuma licks her ice cream a little too enthusiastically for my own good.

Ignoring the succubus girl, I look back at Patchy...

"Yeah, I got approached by some maids. Caved one's freakin' head in." I responded to a question Patchouli asked me prior.

"This is problematic. Thank you for your service." ...I've got some kinda feeling that this is a freakin' set up or some shit.

Shrugging, I humble brag like a freakin' asshole, yo. "Ah, it's no problem… yet. I have a feeling that was just the start!" Honestly, that Komi maid's gonna be a freakin'... ordeal!

Keepin' it brief, I start to push the cart...

Patchouli nodded idly, more focused on her pancakes than me. "I would think so. Be careful out there." Yeah, okay.

I wave my hand, pushing the cart back out. "Have a good one, Patchouli." She's pretty aloof ta me, but oh well. If I was ever desperate for a lover, I'm sure one of the fairy maids would freakin' impale themselves on me in a heartbeat...


"Next stop, the front gate! It's only like four rights from here." I say to Remilia's batling. Continuing down the hall, we eventually reach the doorway...

A few short, green haired fairies stood in my way. They've got bobby hair with bangs that hide their eyes. "Hello." ...They're all talkin' in unison or some shit.

"Well, if that's not fuckin' creepy, I dunno what is." Grinning awkwardly, I stare at them all. "So~... what's going on here? We having a birthday party, or somethin'?"

The front door slowly creaks open…

Boo~m! Then a green-haired fairy kicks the door open forcefully!

This fairy maid is adorned in some kind of mechanized armor; it's really boxy and fit with green and blue parts! It also makes her look like, ten feet tall!

"You've gotta be fucking kidding me…!" Intimidated, I begin to back up…! What the fu~ck!?

The cyborg fairy maid lumbered in, her bespectacled glare meeting mine. Her torso whirled around, and rainbowy cybernetic wings unfurled from her freakin' megazord's back.

"You there." Her voice is monotone, steely. "I'm surprised you dealt with that arrogant Komi so readily. But now, you belong to me. You will make for fine research." Are you for real!?

Her wings began to expand…!

FWAM! Huge danmaku orbs of all colors rolled out into the room, aimed at me!

Waa~h! Eyes widening, I throw myself behind the cart-

Thud. I hit the ground. Oh, man, I can hear the danmaku just slamming against everything-

The cart starts to vibrate menacingly…!

"Jesus fuck! We're dead bats, dolls, and assorted things!" Aaaa~h! Nevermind, I think this is worse than fighting Komi…! Can we go back to fighting Komi!? What happened and why!? What is this shit man!?

The megazord leaps into the air, before falling in the same place-

Thoo~m. The room shakes as a result, small purple shockwaves visibly splashing out from under the megazord's legs.

Them smaller creepy green-haired fairy maids surround the cart right after the shockwave, as if it were their cue...

Lookin' at the Remilia batling, I give it a pleading stare…!

Flying ahead of me, the batling sits in the air, one wing flapping towards itself. What the hell does that mean…!?

The maids start coming closer. "We will enjoy you." No you won't! No~ you won't!

...Are you just gonna stare at me, Remilia!? What're you even trying to tell me!?

Gritting my teeth, I hold my plant hanger like a baseball bat… and swing it at the freakin' unhelpful bat-

Clonk! Woa~h! The bat goes flying-

Pi~chun! After impact, the bat seemed to glow with energy as it flew into the maid, piercing her skull and instantly killing her.

Hoh, shit! I know what to do, now…!

The maids continue towards me, slowly raising their arms. "Do not resist. We love you."

Fu~ck nope! Nope, nope nope! No~t today, nor in this lifetime…!

As the five remaining creepers near me, I double jump to get up onto the cart smoothly-

It creaks and shakes as I land on it.

Thoom. The big mecha fairy starts walking towards us oh shit…!

The bat floats up to me again-

Clonk! I awkwardly hit it towards the ground-

"Aah…" Despite it bowling into a maid from the side, the fairy was surprisingly chill about being freakin' demolished.

Double jumping from the cart's top to get past the encroaching maids, I bring my hanger down on the head of one-

Crack! Oh, fuck, wow-

Pi~chun! My melee blow killed that fairy from that height! Je~sus, man!

Thud. Legs, ow oof my bones. Hard landing...

The three remaining fairies continued towards me-

One leapt towards me and glomped me, although they're short enough for one girl to not be a problem. "Mister…" She clings onto my chest tightly, wrapping her stout legs around my waist. "Me and my sisters just want you."

Scowling, I step back at the other two approach me…

The bat approaches me again! Clutching my hanger with both arms, I give 'er a whack-

Clonk! She soars towards one of the maids-

Pi~chun! Gotcha~! "Man, your skulls're so so- soft, you're makin' this-"

While I was taunting, the other maid flew up, towards my face.

"Mmm…" Before I knew what was happening, the fairy's lips locked around mine. Sh- shit…

Her eyes are an empty emerald green, but I couldn't see that through her bangs previously.

I feel her tongue try to pierce my lips, but I keep my mouth tightly shut. No~! No no no, yo, no no no. No tongue. No~.

Eager to break this, I jab her in the gut-

Thunk. "Oh…" She cringes back into the air, getting off of me…

Reeling the hanger back, I hit her again, this time in the face.

"Nnh…" She twirls through the air, drifting away from me…

I feel the fairy still locked to my torso hug me tighter. "I won't ever let go…"

I brush my lip to get rid of that kissing sensation- oh my god there's lipstick on my lips now. I don't entirely… hate that. Egh- no no no bad thoughts. Bad!

Thoom. The cyborg takes another step forward…

Lookin' up, I see her scowling down at me. "Those were my apprentices."

They're trying to rape me, you horse's ass.

Slouching, I let myself take in this momentary reprieve, catching my breath... "So? Look. I don't usually kill morons this fast."

Raising her bulky arms, the cyborg maid leered down at me. "Eheheheh. You called us morons…"

Grinning, I reaffirm the premise! "Yeah! Here's a schematic for ya: my ass!" I slap my ass for effect!

"Rrgh!" Glowering, the maid punches forward with the cyborg's arm!

Double jumping to barely avoid the freakin' claw arm-

Boom! It hit the ground next to me as I run around beside it...

-I scan the robot's form for some way I could fight it...

The fairy on my chest starts crawling up, trying to reach my face. "Big sister just wants to share a bed with you…"

Oh my god. "Why are you all freaking perverts!?"

...As tempting as it is to let this fairy smooch me with her earth green lips, I bring my hanger up and start prying her off of me with it. I-... really don't need to be tempted right now, honestly. Today and yesterday've been so much...

"Why…?" She gently floats to the floor, before landing on her rear.

"'Cause I'm an asshole." I inform her, my eyebrows raised. I'm more worried about-

Thoom. The cyborg begins turning…!

Freakin'... what do I do!?

Remilia's bat drifts before me again, flapping irately. You~...!

The fairy's rainbow wings spread again, so instead of doing anything with the bat I just fucking book it towards the lobby stairs. C'mon, c'mon-

FWAM! Here they come oh boy…!

On my way there, I double jump periodically and clumsily to try and dodge incoming orbs-

Aaa~gh! "Ff~...uua~h!" Words cannot describe. My body ends up crackling with danmaku energy as I stumble forward and nearly break my skull on the bottom steps, barely stopping myself with my arms...

Thoom, thoom. The cybernetic maid walks closer to me. "Your weakness is cute, though… I see why the mistress keeps you around."

The bat on my shoulder flaps its wings angrily. I know, I know, you're not perverted like the maids, Remilia… or maybe you are, 'cause you could be helping me for real right now! Aaah!

I pull the operating cross out of my sack. "We-well, guess what I've got?" I press the red diamond and point it at her. London's been pretty much idle this whole time, so she's gonna catch this bitch off guard!

She stares at me plainly, before speaking in monotone. "I'm a fairy, holy things like crosses don't matter. My… you really are a cute one. Don't worry. I'll teach you all about the world. We can spend rainy days under the awnings, doing reports on the-"

Papapat. Yellow, diamond danmaku from London flies into her armor, lightly pinging against it. I don't think it actually did anything though.

Good job, London. You~ may've fucked me.

"Oh? Another pest… oh. Some doll…" She begins to approach London…

Thoom, thoom.

Getting up, I climb up the stairs, huffing and puffing as my body rejects this idea. Fucking-... move, you~...!

"We could make toys like these together." Bending over, the maid began to pick up London with her claw arm. "...Such an annoying design. Details like these are worthless."

At the top of the foyer stairs, I stumble towards the adjacent second floor guard rail. It's ornate as shit, but that's good. Taking a deep breath, I begin climbing onto it...

Cr-crack! Crack! Clutching her arm, the maid broke London into multiple parts. "We'll make a new one, together." Londo~n…

Standing up atop the guard rail I leer down at the fairy. "Hey, asshat!"

She looks up from the doll's crumbling parts, smiling at me. "Yes, honey?"

I leap from the guard rail.

Her eyes widen. "Honey…!"

As I fall forward, she moves as if to catch me.

Once I descend to about her head's level, I jump again, getting slight horizontal momentum.

Reeling the hanger up with both arms, I bring it down on her head.

Thunk! "Aauu~gh!"

My strike makes her tilt back, allowing me to slide off of her freakin' megazord's torso and drop to safety. "Holy shit…"

Thoo- thoom, thoom. She stumbles back, her glasses crooked and her head bruised. "A-aah…"

Now that I'm down here, I glare up at her again. We done with this shit yet? I think I've proved a worthy enough opponent…!

...Shaking her head, the cyborg maid comes to her 'senses'. "This is it, then... I was going to save this for that troublesome magician in the library, but…"

Vrrr~. The cyborg's chest whines as both sides fold open, an energy core revealed to the open air.

Oo~h, boy…

Looking at the Remi-bat that's still just hovering in my wake like a freakin' useless frik, I point to the left. "Go left, yo! I'll flank!"

Remi's bat doesn't do as I ask, but whatever! I start moving around the right…

"Stand still…" The fairy maid instructs me, 'cause y'know, I'll listen.

Vrrr~. Slowly, her torso begins turning...

Stopping, I double back as Remi's bat just keeps following me, and swing wide at said bat-

Clonk! She goes soaring into the power core-

Zap-zap-zap-zap! The core pulsates unevenly as Remi's bat is freakin'... frying tonight.

The cyborg fairy twitches awkwardly, her arms jerking and moving in curious directions. "N-no... I-I couldn't have messed up the wiring...!"

Vrr- vrrr. Rrr~...

As the cyborg whirred to a halt, I ran towards it again…!

"Hone~y…" She looks over at me with a pouty face. "Can you help me out? I'll make it worth your while…"

I smile at her- "Hup…" -double jumping onto one of the arms of the robot. "Sure, pal. Hup..." I leap onto her shoulder.

She gives me a catty smile. "Thanks…"

Raising my hanger, I bring it down on her head-

Crack! Pi~chun!

It's over…


Boo~m. The cyborg fell onto its back, defeated. I had to double jump to not break my legs, landing to the side of the cyborg. My god, dude… this is some shit.


Tiredly pushing the cart, I get it out onto the front porch. Since Meiling just needs freakin' coffee, I'm just gonna take it off the cart and walk it over to her...

Meiling was still sleeping.

Time to clap my hands! "Yo, wake up! Today's the day to do the things!"

"Huh- wha…?" Meiling yawns. "Dinner already…?"

Yeah. "Good evening and good night." I hold up her coffee, which is on a tiny 'lil plate. "This was on the snack tray for you."

...Nodding drowsily, she lethargically reaches for the cup, and takes a long sip.

"Oh, how nice!" Suddenly, she springs to life! "Just how I like it…!"

A bright light engulfed me again, and I put my hand to my chest. Oh, level up light again…? Only took a freakin' day.

"Alright, what the hell..." The hell are these orb things!? What are they?... I don't wanna be a schizophrenic! Why does Gensokyo even have a leveling system!?

"What was that?" Meiling was less confused than I was, which was understandable, considering my hysteria.

"I don't freakin' know, dude…!" Grinning incredulously, I begin to walk off. "Have a good day, yo. Have a good day."

She snorts at me. "...You too."

With that, I meander back towards the mansion. Time to get on gettin' on, yo...


Back in the trashed foyer, I lift the operating cross and channel magic into it again.

The operating cross lights to life, and London's back at my side. Where does she even come from…? I'm glad she comes back, though. I sure as hell need a freakin'... mook party member. Surviving on your own is rough.

Charred and jittering with electrical energy, Remilia's bat unevenly flutters out to meet me...

"Hi, friend." I greet it gingerly, so that it doesn't make me repent for my sins. "Remilia's room. It has directions but… can I just follow you?" I ask the bat. Freakin'... can't you at least take me to your own room?

The bat flies off my shoulder, and floats ahead slowly, letting me follow. Alright, cool... "Thanks, Remilia."

With the bat in the lead, getting to the throne room is freakin' trivial. Just a couple turns, and we're there. Pretty sure that's not what the directions said...

I push open the door, and Remilia is waiting there.

"Hello, boy! Why don't you stop for some biscuits and a nice chat?" Proposes Remilia, one leg over the other as she sits at the table. Sakuya's there aswell, sipping tea with her mistress.

"...Sure!" I call out. Now that's the kinda service I wanna see, yo. I've been this mansion's freakin' garbage man all day…

Before I reach her, there's stomping behind me.

"Not so fast, slave!" I~t's Komi. Freaki~n'... didn't she die thirty minutes ago!?

She charges in from behind me, but London body-blocks her from tackling me.

"Surpri~se!" Koi calls out, leaping over Komi…

Fwoom- fwoom. She rains orange danmaku down on London, knocking her aside.

"I- I want to feel you!" Namori blushes heavily, aiming her hand like a gun-

Fwi~Choo~m! She fires a thin blue laser at me, forcing me to jump aside.

"Holy shit! When did you guys get legitimate fighting abilities!?" I aimed the operating cross behind them, instructing London to move behind them and out of their way for now.

Grinning brilliantly, Komi flings her arms outward. "Fufufu!"

Fwam. Fwam. Fwam. She unleashes those slow, revolving black danmaku bolts again, but this time they orbit around me instead of her.

I stream the side of the pale-blue laser, and narrowly weave through the black danmaku-

Fwoom! I'm forced to double back due to a spread of three orbs from Koi. Freakin'- why isn't that vampire and her maid helping!? Aaa~h!

Patatatat! London fires at Namori, causing the fairy to dart out of the way sheepishly, her laser fading. Okay… that's better.

Strafing around the side of the battle, Komi cracked her knuckles. "This is the end, for you."

You know what I said about wanting to fight Komi instead of cyborg lady? Yeah- I think I revoke that statement again…!

Turning away from her- oh crap Koi's suddenly inside the revolving ring of black orbs with me!

She tilts forward, her breasts bouncing as she winks at me. "Hi~! I'm Koi-chan!"

I grin, raising my plant hanger defensively. "I think I'll just call you Koi..."

She pouts. "Well, when we win you'll have to call me Koi-chan!"

Moving forward, I try to hit her-

"Hehehe~!" She slides back, and flies over Komi's danmaku. "Get 'em, Komi! Kick some ass!"

Looking over at the tea table just away from our fight, I see Remilia and Sakuya just watchin' the exchange, drinking tea. You~ heartless freakin'...!

Lookin' for a way out, I pull out my NERF blaster. This better work again!

I aim it at Namori, who's been spending a good portion of her time staring at me rather than London for some reason. She gasps, and drops to the floor.

"Get the fuck down! All of you! And don't you dare fucking move!" I shout, trying to pretend to be one of the robbers from PAYDAY 2. Wahoho…!

Namori whimpers on the floor, but Komi is unphased and Koi reluctantly continues her assault.

Komi darts through her own danmaku, and jabs forward-

Woosh! Her single miss gives me the opportunity to pistol whip her with my NERF gun!

Whack! "Ngh…" She steps back purposefully, not really phased too heavily by my plastic pistol. You freakin' serious…?

"Think you could fool us with a fake gun!? Stu~pid!" Koi approaches from behind me again, and grapples me, her breasts pressing against my back. "I got you no~w!" Freaking…

Namori just sat on the floor some distance away, idle after diving for cover.

Aiming the cross at her, I press the red diamond on the middle. Do something, London…!

Patatatat! London sprays down the laying figure of Namori.

Pi~chun! Namori wa~s defeated!

"Namori-chan! Noo~!" Koi almost lets go of me, seemingly genuinely distraught…

"We respawn, you idiot!" Komi calls out to her, scowling.

Koi tilts her head. "...Oh. Right. I… knew that." How do you forget that. Freakin'...

In the doorway stood Patchouli and Meiling- the latter with her coffee- observing the exchange between me and the fairies. Alice's there as well, apparently, with an unconscious Marisa behind her, propped up by some dolls...

"What's going on here…?" Alice questions, observing the fierce exchange between me and the fairy maids.

"Don't interfere!" Komi sends a wave of linear black danmaku their way, forcing them to do a particularly lethargic side step...

I try to stomp my foot backwards- oh. Koi's not holding me while standing on the ground, she's floating behind me. If that's the case-

"You're pretty tall…" Koi breathes into my ear. "Hehehe…" No fuck you.

Thrusting forward, I try to lunge for Komi, but Koi keeps a tight hold on me. "No~pe! Sorry, cuti~e!" Freakin'...

Aiming the cross at Komi, I just spam the button. Get your ass over here and spam the shoots, London! Shoots versus boobs!

Snapping her attention to me, Komi starts to just march up to us. "Koi, his arms."

"Can do~!" Adjusting her hold, Koi restricts my arms by the shoulders, limiting my articulation of them.

"Freakin'..." I swear I'm just gonna headbutt someone.

Like this, Komi grabs onto the operating cross, and easily plucks it from my hand. "Fufufu~... you've given me quite the headache, boy."

Yeah, in more ways than one. I ain't done yet, either…!

Before Komi can do much else, she's forced to dart back-

Patatatat! Yellow, diamond-shaped danmaku roars out from between the two of us, London passing through the gap at a steady velocity.

"My turn!" With the operating cross itself, Komi uses it to try and beat up London-

Cla~ng. London seems to be made of sturdier stuff than that, though…!

"We won't hurt you, guy." Koi tries to quietly negotiate with me. "And, I think you look good…" Fucking...

I jump to try and get out of Koi's arms! Since they're only restricting my arms and not really holding me, I manage a bit!

"Wha- hey! Hey!" She scrambles to keep a hold on me as I jump again!

We land pretty much together, but she doesn't got a firm grip on me, now! "No, son! No!" Turning around, I start freakin' shaking her by the shoulders! "I'm gonna ruffle your poofy dress!"

Smiling at me, she emits lewdness. "Oo~h? You can ruffle my poofy dress any time…" Yeah, okay.

I look over at Komi, seeing she's still having trouble kiting London around. Alright, cool-

"M~mwah!" Oh! Koi plants a kiss on my cheek, drifting up to match my height properly since she's like four feet tall. "C'mo~n. Tell me you wouldn't love a night of squeezing me. Just you and me, fuck Komi-chan."

Too much information, son. Reelin' my hanger back, I gut-jab her!

Think. "Ow~ch…" She cringes back, wincing. "Dumba~ss…"

Oka~y. Her hands're off me now, at least!

Cla~ng! London bounces off the floor next to me, somehow knocked with good force.

Oh, that's because Komi's holding one of Remilia's chairs now. "Ha~h…!" Running towards me, she attempts to bring the chair down on me!

"No~!" I strafe outta the way! "Enough of that shit!"

Cla~ck. She hits the chair against the floor, allowing me to move up and hit her in the ribs.

Whack! "Oo~h…" She winces in displeasure, stumbling back and out of the way. "Fuck you…"

...I catch Koi moving to flank me, but as she irately charges at my side, I whirl around and hit her in the head-

Thunk! "Auu~gh…" My hit leaves her spinning in the air for a few moments, before she allows herself to belly flop to the floor. "Umgh…"

Huffing, the final fairy maid pumps herself up. "I've had it! I'm fucking done with you!" Oo~h! Komi's pissed for realsies…!

"Hoa~h…!" Oh, shit, she's going hulkamania, son! Flaring up with traces of dark energy, she whirls towards my form, floating as she moves to engage me. "What's yours is mine!"

I swing my hanger blindly, the speed at which she accelerates towards me too much for me to freakin' deal with-

Whack! Fu~ck… She punched me in the chest, but almost totally sent me spinning-

Thunk! Her dress shoe connects with my stomach, launching me.

Thud. I land on the ground, still holding onto my freakin' hanger. "Go- god- fu- fuck…" Uu~gh...

Stepping forward, Komi presses a shoe to my stomach to pin me down. "It's over. I don't know who the fuck you think you are, but you're going to belong to me."

Of the like three goddamn spectators, you'd think one of them would not have a closet fetish for fucking dominatrixes. As in- Alice! Remi! Sakuya! Fuck!

Patatatatat! London starts to shell Komi-

Clang! Leaping to the air, Komi easily sends London flying with an aerial kick, tanking the danmaku. "Da- damn…" Even so, London leaves her imbued with danmaku energy, which seems to be making her jitter. "St- stupid, useless toy..."

I start to get up-

Komi's shoe presses into my upper chest, giving me a view of her leg, and up her skirt. "Stay down. You're mine."


I raise my hanger arm-

She presses down on that arm with her other leg, yet she's somehow not putting full force down on either section of my body. Is she just like, half-floating to do this without fully hurting me? Why~...?

...From here, I just look up at her from the floor, sighing. "I~... don't think you'll get away with this, y'know…" We're in the middle of like three people. She can't possibly get away with this, right?

Smiling almost innocently, quickly Komi stops stepping on my limbs, and drops down onto my waist. "Watch-..." Turning away, she trails off. "Me…?"

As Komi turns, I tilt my head to the side to see what she sees.

Reimu's crouched next to us, her gohei touching the floor as he stares at us with a vague expression.

I wave. "Hi."

"Hey." Reimu greets me casually. "... Am I... interrupting something?"

Komi frowns at her. "Yes. I'm breaking in my new slave."

I shake my head. "I am being raped against my will, help friend." Give me the assista~nce!

...Idly, Reimu locks eyes with Komi.

Komi glares at her, sneering. "Bi~tch. If you so much as-"

Swiftly, Reimu stood up and swung her gohei like a club-

Clack! Pi~chun! Komi was annihilated instantly.


I start to sit up. "Fairies, man… they're gonna get me ferried, man!" Jesus Christ, yo. They a~re not as easy to fight as anticipated!

...Idly, Reimu stares me down. "There's something going on with the fairies, and out of everybody here, I'm starting to feel like you've had the most first-hand experience. Besides me, anyway."

Pfft. "Yeah. No shit, huh. First hand experience- I've had two freakin' days of first hand experience…"

Standing up, I continue, sneering. "Freakin'-... look." I try to find words. "Experience don't even begin ta describe it! When it comes to me and fairies, yo, I gotta fight like hell! Lock and load my freakin' dart blaster and beat some skulls in! Any time I walk down a freakin' hall, I don't know if I'm gonna come out a virgin or giving a small family's worth of fairies a piggy back ride!"

"Yeah, he sounds like the right guy." Reimu just turns to Alice and gives her an amused, casual smile.

Alice struts up. "Personally, I would have left him to his devices, Reimu. It's best that he learns, if he's going to survive here."

Reimu waved it off. "Yeah, well he can't help me with the fairy problem if he's getting sexed up by them." Then, she turns to me. "You see any wild fairies, or just manor fairies?"

Huh. "...The magic forest was quiet as frik." I recall. Well, on the ground, anyway. The sky was fucking lit, but I couldn't tell if it was the trees being trippy or if fairies and other youkai were duking it out.

Reimu snorts. "Really? It's a complete warzone."

Oh, so it's not normally like that. "...It's supposed to not be a fairy danmaku demolition derby?" It wasn't big on my mind though. I figured that's how this Gensokyo's magic forest worked.

Shaking her head, she gave me a dry look. "No~. This is getting complicated already…" She slouched.

Hoh. Freakin'... fairies, yo.

Sensing that our conversation had died down, Alice interjects herself. "I see you've been making good use of London. How've the controls been so far?"

"Pretty good, actually," I begin. Man, your doll has saved my freakin' life. "She's handy for area denial and cover fire, and is also quite handy as a bullet sponge."

Alice looks at me questioningly. "Bullet sponge…? You do realize that once she breaks, she's not supposed to come back, right? This was just a test of the controls, not the magical convenience or battle practicality of the doll."

Magi say what now. I tilt my head. "I was able to fill the cross with magic after London was destroyed a few times. She came back out of absolutely nowhere, and I was fine with it."

Alice didn't know what to make of that information, apparently. She went quiet.


"You asshole!" Oh god, Marisa incoming-

"Gah…!" She got grabbed by the collar by Reimu. Hoh.

I put my hands up. "Wooa~h, kay! I'm sorry, alright? Besides, you can probably steal them back anyway, if- if they were so important…"

...Reluctantly, Marisa stopped rushing me and crossed her arms. "Fi~ne… but I'm only letting ya off 'cause you're new, ze. Watch yerself."

Reimu whacked her friend on the head with her gohei. "Knock it off, Marisa. He means well enough."

"Fah… sorry, ze…" Marisa rubs her head… through her ultimately poofy hat.

I feel the warm light wash over me again. "Oh, hold on guys, gotta do my thing with the level-ups and crap." I put my hand to my chest, orbs flow into me yadda yadda yadda.

"What?" Reimu is confused in a fluffy way. Aww...

Patchouli puts a hand to her chin. Ho~h, Patchy-baby, when'd you get hea…!? "I must say, that effect is quite peculiar. What happens to keep creating it?"

...Taking a breath, I decide to elaborate. "It's fun." I demonstrated by jumping into the air, and then jumping again. "I can jump… and then jump again, dude." Oh my go~d du~de!

"That's kinda lame, ze... " Marisa isn't a fan of it, and I can imagine why. It is pretty much a crutch! That, and the most mundane super power ever.

At the same time… "If I didn't have it, yo, I'd probably be high on aphrodisiacs and licking a fairy maid's toes, yo. I'll take what crutches I can get…!" When I thought about it- only being able to double-jump in a land of flying everythings kinda sucked, bu~t…

Marisa snorted. "Are they really that bad…?"

"Hey, at that same time, yo..." I continued, "I might not have wings or floating abilities, but I don't need 'em to fly! With a couple double-jumps I'll be fleein' the zone, yo!"

...Nodding, Marisa sardonically accepted this answer. "Ya cheesy bastard. I guess you kinda got the right, though, what with fighting… fairy maids and all."

"I'd like to examine this further. Come by my library sometime." Patchouli outright instructs me. Ho ho!

"Sure." I reply. Might aswell see if I can abuse the leveling system! Although all things considered, I doubted it…

Also, Patchy is love, Patchy is life. I haven't had a good opportunity to say it, yo, but she's my waifu! She's more aloof than I was countin' on, though...

Remilia clapped her hands. "After the ordeal everyone's been through, why don't we all settle down and have dinner here?"

Alice looks skeptical. "It's still afterno-"

Reimu covers the mage's mouth. "Yes let us have all the dinner."

"Fufufu..." Giggling, Remilia raises from her chair, and begins stepping towards the door. "Let us go." Turning to her maid as she moved, she gave her a nod…

With that, Sakuya vanished.



PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Generic Outsider Human

PRIMARY WEAPON: Cast-iron plant hanger - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. My most basic weapon.


Rope of Panties - Kinky! Craftable into stuff and things!

Two bra cups - Note to self: don't use as shoulder pads alone.

NERF Dart Blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF Longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Fancy Operating Cross - Allows control and summoning of a London doll.



London, the Doll - Defensive unit, able to hold positions and provide cover-fire. Command is limited to moving to stationary positions, spraying basic danmaku, and avoiding very clear, slow moving sources of instant death. Basic, but gets the job done.



it's yet another generic OC fic that's totally not probably actually maybe a shameless self-insert wish fulfillment fic

spoiler warning: will feature slow ass power-creep while i try to make it atleast seem slightly balanced and fair; no i'm not going to be giving him any OP as hell abilities though and if this got into DBZ "holy shit lasers and spirit bombs are raining from the sky" territory i think that'd be bad; later on i might do alot more technically capable things like jumps and varied weapons and stuff

spoilers for how "leveling up" works: the whole "level up" system is pretty much "yeah my guy's going to gain SOME kind of power no matter what just for progressing the story along" but i'm gonna try limiting it to the following: base strength, ability to endure pain/health, magic pool, and various growth abilities i.e. double jumping

double-jumping seems arbitrary in a land where everyone floats and flies and soars through the skies, but imagine only having a small mediocre CoD soldier bunny-hop and get back to me

how his fireball attack works as of now: it's more flash than anything and the fire seems kinda weak if fairies can shrug it off after a literal moment; patchy was right when she said that book SUCKED

what i want to do is have my OC be atleast marginally entertaining and i'm assuming the readers pretty much know the following things: the guy's not gonna die arbitrarily no matter what but that doesn't mean pain's not a thing nor are other failure states so nnn…

also going to end up being a partial experiment to see how technical i can make the power-creep; like KH2 sora levels of combo pluses and stuff versus. "oh i can SUMMON HELL ITSELF NOW WOOHOOHOOOAAAHH" kinds of power creep; in addition my OC gets to start only with the unique ability of being dangerously resourceful instead of anything crazy, and the things he SHOULD be fighting are going to be relatively realistic enough; as he is now he can only fight stoopid insano fairy maids and in a serious brawl with marisa or the likes that isn't just about nabbing books and hightailing it he'd probably get his ass kicked

also limit breaks because those are generally koo; dunno if they're interesting to read though

action's generally fun to write, but is it to read? i try to keep sentences and ideas condensed so tell me what you think; i only write what i'd like to read, atleast i prefer to think

only writing this because bored, too!

see you all next chapter, and by that i mean i'm probably only going to publish this when it's complete(cought as of chapter 4 it'll be every two incidents so that something exists online while im typing like i was possessed) so see you in like ten seconds once you hit the "next chapter" button if you haven't closed it out already



so as it turns out i~ continued this idea… maybe


im still writing this because im bored but i also like it

i wanted a stronger first chapter prose-wise and ended up redoing scenes and stuff and all that

this chapter's also now freakin'... 20 k words

notable changes include:

o saying goodbye to cheesy limit breaks

o longer fights with more responsive combat

o more lewd

o more brad being traumatized going in / experiencing the environment

JUST AS A FOREWARNING for anyone who read THIS style and want to see more of it… until i bother to revise the next like 20-40 chapters (which i probably won't) it'll BE AWHILE, so if you can put up with some happy crappy and slightly off-key characterizations and stuff then y'know you'll be golden 'n' dandy

the next four chapters after this one have been improved so you can get better bearings before this turns to cringey shit - w -

i mostly just wanna boost some reader retention for the people who may be put off by my first chapter 'cause like… i write better later! and i don't want that to go to waste just 'cause i didn't write good like TWO YEARS AGO

i also wanted to return to my roots a bit and have a good strong first presentation even if the next slew of chapters are iffy - w - if you really can't handle that feel free to skip ahead as much as you want since this story's over progression pace is slo~w despite what this first chapter might entail (protip: plot beyond fun times doesn't start until ff chapter 70 and a bit beyond or so)

and the general premise is good times all around and the journey being worth more than the destination so y'know ye ye ye

in google docs this chapter ALONE is now 65 pages

hoh hoh hoh

as always, see you all next time!