100 Ways to Kill a Doctor Halloween Challenge

(my response to Dsnynutz's prompt)

RULES:

1. Sheldon/Penny - They can be platonic, romantic, smutty, Super Heroes/Villains, etc.

2. Leonard/Amy's death MAY occur anytime from the Pilot thru Season 9.

3. The death must be completed in a single chapter, although you are welcome to contribute as many different forms of death as you like as long as they are a chapter each.

4. The story must be no more than 1,500 words long.

5. Deadline is October 31, 2015.


"Sheldon, wake up," Penny hissed.

He did so with a jolt and his usual cry of "Danger, danger!" Then he demanded, "What are you doing in my room?"

She cut off his usual complaint about people being in his room. "I need your help."

"I don't disagree, but you'll have to be more specific," he retorted.

"I... I have a problem." She sat down on his bed, ignoring his glare of disapproval. "You know how when I got back together with Leonard, he called it a beta test? And then you asked me not to hurt him? Well, I tried, but this was too big to keep lying about."

Sheldon eyed her warily. "I hope you haven't woken me up to ask my advice about your dating woes."

"No, not exactly. Where do I start? I guess you've noticed that we're uh... kinda noisy at night."

Sheldon scoffed. "Why else do you think I keep a pair of noise-canceling headphones on my nightstand?"

"Well, the reason I've been so loud is because I've been faking it," Penny said, coloring a little as she confessed.

"Faking what?" he asked innocently.

She grimaced. "Pretending that I'm having a good time. I make all that noise because I want Leonard to think I'm done so he'll just finish up and get off me."

"Why would you do that? Have you been cheating on him?"

"Of course not!" Penny cried indignantly. "I just wanted him to fall asleep so I could go back to my place. Let's just say that for me, the best thing I could say about our sex life was that he tried."

"Meaning that he did not succeed," Sheldon replied immediately, even if he didn't entirely understand the implications of that statement.

"Not even a little," she groaned. "Why do you think I had that box under my bed, you know, the things that you thought were chew toys?"

He frowned. "I did think that was rather odd since you don't own a pet."

She rolled her eyes. "They're vibrators, Sheldon. I don't need to explain that, do I?"

"I understand that their function is to vibrate, of course, but... oh."

She watched as his jaw dropped as he put the pieces together.

"You let me touch them?" he screeched.

"Hey, you're the one who went digging through my personal stuff," Penny shot back.

He looked chagrined and then puzzled. "Could another electric device, such as a battery-operated toothbrush, be used by a woman for self-stimulation?"

Penn grimaced. "You're talking about Gerard, right? Amy's toothbrush?"

"Is that why she had to go brush her teeth so often at the conclusion of our dates?" he cried, horrified. "That's revolting. I can't believe she would do that while I was still in her apartment."

"It's not that weird for a woman Amy's age to-" Penny began.

"No," he interrupted. "It would not be unusual for you. Amy is an entirely different matter."

"What? Why?" she asked, wrinkling her nose in confusion.

"You are using said implements because you are accustomed to regular release through coitus. Amy has no prior experience with coitus, so her use of a battery-powered device is self-defeating. She is training her body to respond to unnatural stimuli which the human body cannot replicate. My genitals may be fully functioning, but they do not vibrate," he added with a look of disgust.

Penny choked back her laugh at Sheldon's outraged indignation. He had a point, although she had never thought of it that way.

"In light of this new information, it appears I would be much better served by having a physical relationship with someone who has practical experience," he continued.

Penny's jaw dropped. This wasn't the first time he had hinted he might be interested in having sex, but it sounded like he didn't want Amy to be his partner.

"After all, my monopole experiment may have turned out differently had I chosen my fellow researchers based on their skill sets rather than my loyalty to my friends," Sheldon mused, oblivious to Penny's shocked expression.

"Yeah, about those friends..." she began.

"I'm certain I would not be in this quandary if you had simply accepted my request for a date last year," he added casually.

She gaped at him. "I thought you were just trying to make Amy jealous."

"No, I was looking for a way out," he grumbled.

She hesitated and looked down at the bedspread where their hands were almost touching. Following her gaze, Sheldon reached out and took her hand in his. Penny blushed, suddenly seeing him in a new light.

"I… I haven't even gotten to the reason why I came in here," she objected as her fingers curled around his reflexively.

"Then tell me," he prompted, unusually patient.

She bit her lip and nodded. "A few years ago when Leonard's mother visited, she said something weird to me that I couldn't forget. She said, don't let Leonard make you responsible for your own orgasms. I don't want to know how she knew that about her own son, but that's exactly what I ended up doing. I knew he would be really hurt to find out I'd been faking it for so long, but it was a problem in our relationship. According to the beta test, he wanted me to let him know so he could fix it. I finally told him tonight, and he got really mad. He got so red in the face that I was worried. Then he pulled me down onto the bed, and we started having this weird angry sex like he was trying to prove something. I told him to get off me, but he wouldn't listen. He even grabbed my wrists pretty hard," she said, displaying red marks that looked like they would become bruises later. "I was just thinking I might have to hurt him to get him to stop when he started gasping, and then he collapsed on top of me."

Sheldon took a moment to consider this. "Penny, we have been talking for the better part of an hour. Are you telling me that Leonard has been lying over there in need of medical attention this whole time?"

She winced. "I think it's too late for that."

He sat up quickly, pulling his hand away, and threw off the bed covers. Crossing to Leonard's room, he saw a sight he wished he could forget: his roommate, lying on his back, exposed and staring sightlessly at the ceiling.

He turned away quickly. His friend was clearly dead, and he couldn't begin to process all the conflicting emotions he felt about that. Instead, he asked Penny, "Have you been drinking tonight?"

"No," she answered slowly and in obvious confusion.

Without a word, he walked briskly out of the room. Penny heard the front door open and close. He was back a few minutes later, holding a bottle of red wine which he had retrieved from her kitchen.

"Drink as much of this as you can, and then dial 911," he instructed. "By the time the ambulance arrives, your blood alcohol levels will register that you are inebriated. You will tell the EMT's that you passed out in bed with your boyfriend and woke to find him like this. That will explain why you didn't immediately call for help."

"Will that work?" she asked wonderingly.

"Of course it will," he said. "I'm a genius, Penny. This hardly taxes my mental capacity."

She walked over to him and stared up at him with an expression he couldn't read. Then she rose on her tiptoes and kissed him. Her lips were soft and warm on his, and his mind reeled from the simple caress. "What about that?" she whispered.

He nodded, wide-eyed. "I believe my unique somatic response to you requires further investigation."

She grinned and put an extra sway in her step as she walked back to the bedroom to call 911.

As Sheldon predicted, no one questioned Penny's story. Leonard's death was deemed a tragic accident. If most of their group of friends thought Penny was taking shameful advantage of Sheldon by hooking up with him so soon after Leonard's death, no one was particularly surprised. Penny and Sheldon had always had a deep bond between them. Of course, Amy was upset about their pairing up at first, but she couldn't stay mad at her "bestie" for long after Penny set her up with Raj. With Leonard gone, the six remaining friends coalesced into a tight-knit, supportive community. They all missed him but ultimately concluded that he did more for them in death than he ever had in life.