A/N: I originally posted this story and had to take it down due to the lyrics incorporated in the story. This is not acceptable according to the guidelines and I definitely don't want to lose my account. After removing this and my Lil' Red Riding Hood story I have tweaked them both and hope to now resubmit them. I apologize to anyone who read before and took the time to review, follow or favorite for the inconvenience.
This story is inspired by Katy Perry's 'Thinking of You,' I highly recommend listening to the song while reading if you get the chance. Side note: I really hate Yuuno/Nanoha and Ginga/Fate but unfortunately they were necessary evils in this plot. This is to be read as a kind of journal/in my head thinking/arguing with oneself story.
Disclaimer: I do not own MGLN or Katy Perry's 'Thinking of You,' I write for fun, not profit.
Thinking of You
I know I made a mistake, and now I have to live with it. All my life I wanted to be normal, to belong. To find a place where I was wanted and needed. I had that and never realized until it was too late.
When she confessed her feelings to me and pressed her soft lips to mine it was like lightning struck me. It was amazing, my whole body heated up and my heart raced. Then stupidly I thought about all the reasons this was wrong. She's my best friend, we're both girls, what would my parents say, what would our colleagues at the bureau say, what about our other friends? I pushed her away and with more grace then I could have imagined anyone having in that moment she accepted my rejection.
It's been months since that day and I still think about the kiss and the look in her eyes. It has pushed me to make decisions I really wasn't ready to make. First I will go full time with the bureau; I need more work to take my mind off of her, to forget what she made me feel. And Second I will accept his offer of dating though the idea is rather repugnant to me. He has been a pet to me, how am I to ever see him as a partner?
Today was the first time I saw them together I knew it was stupid to be jealous. I rejected her; I was even dating someone now. She had smiled at me when I told her and said she was trying to move on also, she wished me happiness. Now I find myself in a similar situation and can only feel like screaming.
I hate the way she hangs all over her, touching her as if… well yes she does have the right but still there are limits. I see her smiling at her and my chest aches, that smile use to be mine. I…I am being stupid again; I need to move on, forget I even ever had thought for a second of accepting her.
He wants to take our relationship to the next level, he says he loves me and wants me. But I keep pushing him away, grasping for excuses to delay the inevitable. He has slept in my bed and I know that the others think we have done the deed but I can't even stand him to hold me as I try to sleep. I end up on the couch and waking early to make breakfast to cover my absence from the bed in the morning.
I know it wouldn't be this way with her. When we were younger, before I was an idiot and pushed her away, we would sleep in the same bed and I never felt safer or more wanted. What would it be like for her to touch me? What would it be like to fall asleep looking at her face and waking to see those beautiful eyes full of love just for me. Stupid.
I watched her today, awarded by the bureau for her hard work and dedication to duty. When she stepped down from the platform our eyes met and she smiled at me, it warmed me like a summer day. Then she stepped forward and took my place, the hug and kiss that should have been mine.
I argued with him again tonight after the party. He tells me he feels like I'm stringing him along and I guess I am. Two years with only kissing should be a clue that this wasn't working. I can't stand his hands touching me, his arms holding me, am I frigid as he has tried to say I am or is it something else? I asked him if he wanted to see other people and to my relief he said yes. There are tons of fish in the ocean, maybe now I can find one that can replace a certain golden fish from my heart.
I tried again, he's older and handsome and brave but I can't. He kissed me today and all I could think of was her mouth. That one kiss that haunts me. I hate her; she gets to taste those kisses, to feel that soft yet oh so strong body press against her. I really do hate myself for having been a coward.
I know I am a coward now; my family, our friends, our coworkers didn't bat an eyelash when they got together. I was even teased by my siblings for letting her get away and how foolish I was. My own mother tut-tutted at me and said I was making a mistake with accepting my other blonde friend in her place. I can only blame myself for how I am feeling; I was weak and let her go.
I am single now; I have been for a while. The truth of the situation has finally sunk in, I love her, I always have and always will. I hurt, I burn, I ache but all in vain. I let her go and now someone else has the future that could have been mine.
Our friends worry about me, I'm working too hard they say, not getting enough rest, not eating right but I have to push myself or I start thinking about her. She's happy now and my feelings would ruin that for her. I can't be selfish, and honestly it would be pure arrogance to think she'd give up what she has just to be with me.
She came to me today, stole me away from the practice field and made me sit down and eat with her. At first I was stiff and formal with her but when she touched my hand and those beautiful eyes showed her pain I had to relent. Then it was like before, we laughed, we shared news and I was so tempted to tell her how I felt. I am such a coward.
I saw her today and was shocked. She was wrapped around one of the investigators in a break room. The cow was cheating. The knowledge burns in my mind, here is a way to break them up, and not just for my own selfish ends but because she doesn't deserve to be treated in such a way. I maybe a coward but I would never cheat on her. I would never again, if I had her, make her cry.
I hid the knowledge but soon it's all over the base and the breakup was heartbreaking, the words she spoke were pure vitriol, claiming it was all my love's fault that she had to seek comfort elsewhere. That if she had really loved her then their relationship would have been made up of more than hugging and the occasional kiss. Is this true? They've been together for years, surely by now…
I was stupid again today; despite my words to my students about not exceeding one's limits I did it. Now I am laying in a hospital bed in the clinic while my least favorite doctor scolds me, the woman still treats me like the nine year I once was. She says I can't use magic for a week and has put me on sick leave. I groan, a week with nothing to take my mind off her. She's been away on a mission but the way she had said goodbye made me hope for the first time in years that maybe there was still a chance. To say my dreams have been getting progressively racier is an understatement and now my restlessness (see horniness) is making me stupid and reckless.
I lay starting at my ceiling on the second morning of my leave and wish I wasn't alone. I wish she would walk in the door and crawl into the bed with me. Hold me and tell me it would all be alright. I thought I was being clever by doing a light workout yesterday and now I feel like I was hit by a truck. I have always known one's magic is closely related to one's physical strength but never has that fact been brought home harder to me than now. After my incident my physical recovery kept pace with my magical recovery. Having been impaled then having to relearn to walk halts any thoughts of even using magic. Now I lay here too exhausted to stand even after twelve hours of sleep.
It's nearing dinner time and I haven't moved all day despite a full bladder and a growing hunger and thirst. The most depressing thing about the situation is no one has come to check on me. I'm one of the most headstrong (see stubborn) people in the universe and have made it my mission in life to refuse help at every turn. And the one person in the universe who ever refused to be pushed away is half way across the galaxy. I stupidly push people away in the fear of being too much of a burden and now when I could really use the help I am all alone.
The click of the door must be my imagination, no one has the authority to access my quarters without my permission. No buzzer sounded, nor the emergency override, no calls on Raising Heart, if the apartment had been broken into she would have alerted me, not that I could do much about the fact at the moment.
The sight of a tall willowy figure approaching my bed must be a hallucination that it's in the form of the person I want to see more than anything else cements that idea for me. When she bends over and brushes my bangs back from my sweaty brow I'm shocked at the fact that I can feel her. She shakes her head at me and before I know what's happening she is lifting up my limp body. She takes me to the bathroom and as embarrassing as this could be she helps me through all my necessities.
I should be mortified as she washes my body and helps me dress before settling me on my couch. I should be humiliated at the fact she is cleaning my apartment, changing my sweat stained sheets. I should be ashamed of the fact she is now feeding me like a baby, and with all the gentleness of a mother for a favored child. I should be feeling so many other feelings right now. But the surge of gratefulness, love and pure adoration I feel for her blots them out.
When she places me back in my bed still limp as a new born kitten and holds me tightly to her to keep me warm and safe I finally get to realize one of my secret fantasies. Her lips brush my forehead as she whispers "Good night," to me and I at last get to fall asleep looking into her eyes that are full of love for me.
It's been six months since that day she came to me in my weakened state and took care of me and finally tore down all the stupid pathetic walls I had spent years building. We are finally working together again and even get to share a room. I was never more pleased when I saw the extra large bed in our dorm, we have yet to progress to that level but it will be soon. Her kisses and touches make me burn, that first kiss wasn't a fluke, but she wants us to go slowly, she loves me too much she says to ruin our relationship just for a quick romp. I have to smile at that, in no way could our first night, or any night we share for that matter, ever be considered a quick romp. I plan on loving her until the sun comes up; I plan on loving her forever. I nearly let her be the one that got away, but now she is mine and that's the way it's going to stay.