Author's Note: This started with a simple idea: "What if Naruto's name came from Icha Icha?"
To give you a bit of backstory in case you guys haven't been clued in, in the manga, Naruto's parents supposedly took his name from Jiraiya's only novel that wasn't porn: "A Tale of a Gutsy Ninja". I tried to post the link to the corresponding video, but FanFiction is responding with a big fat, "NOT ALLOWED." Just search "Minato and Kushina before Naruto's birth" and you'll eventually find the right video.
Anyway, I told my friend EndoplasmicPanda, and we both agreed that we had to write it.
To make it fun, we each decided to do our own takes on the premise. Basically, we both started off with the same idea, then after that we were on our own. There was a minimum word-count of 3-5K, and under no circumstances were we allowed to read the other person's work until this was over and we were both ready to post. We wanted to make the end results as original as possible, and we probably would have ended up copying off of each other if we were allowed to read each other's work. :P
There was a week-long time limit, and the goal was to post this Friday or Saturday, but both of us were so excited about this collaboration that we ended up writing most of it over the weekend. :P
So, if you're reading this one-shot, know that EndoplasmicPanda has one with the exact same premise that's just as good if not better. Go check it out! It's longer than mine. ;)
On a final note, a huge thanks to Igornerd for continually supporting me and being a bottomless well of inspiration. You're the best man.
The Dirty Name
Minato's face was briefly forced down by a slap to the back of his head, and he heard his sensei's booming chuckle from next to him.
"Oh, so you're reading my 'Tales of a Gutsy Ninja' book, are you? It's only my first published work, so the stanzas can be a bit childish."
Minato sighed, reclining back in the dining table chair as Jiraiya scratched the back of his head in what he probably thought was a modest posture. He couldn't help but smile at the sight of his teacher, so happy and carefree.
"It's not that great, really—"
"Oh, no, I don't believe that at all. I think that this tale is wonderful. Not your best, but still pretty great."
"Haha, I'm glad you think that—wait, what? Not my best?" Jiraiya frowned at him, an eyebrow raised in question. "Which book is my best, then? Everything else is smut."
"We loved Icha Icha Paradise, specifically the bathroom scene," a woman's voice called from behind them.
A healthy blush spread across Minato's face as Kushina strode into the room, hand resting over a heavily pregnant belly.
Jiraiya looked from Namikaze to Uzumaki, utter incredulity on his face. "You two read that?! Kushina read that?!"
"What?" Kushina demanded hand placed defiantly on over her hip. "Girls can be just as perverted as boys, ya know! Erotica is super popular these days!"
"Is that what you're calling it?" Minato muttered. Kushina growled and smacked him on the top of his head, and he winced and rubbed at the manly wound.
Jiraiya sputtered. "That's not what I—no, seriously, why were you reading my smut? I mean, I'm glad you guys appreciate great literature and all, but you, Minato? You're a total prude! No one goes through a drastic change like that in such a short amount of time!"
"Well," Kushina said, biting her lip in what seemed like nervousness. Or was it embarrassment? Minato couldn't tell. "The book gave us lots of . . ." she looked at Minato, and her face turned a bright tomato red (if Kushina knew he'd thought that, she'd kill him) as a grin twisted her lips. "It gave us lots of inspiration. Lots and lots of inspiration."
Jiraiya stared blankly. "Inspiration," he repeated in a tone so dead it rivaled the Hyūga.
Kushina beamed at him. "Yeah! There were tons of things we tried out. Like the one where the hero takes the girl's legs and—"
"Kushina," Minato interrupted, getting a bit uncomfortable with that gleam he saw appear in his sensei's eyes. "Is this really something we should be discussing?"
"Why not?" she snorted. "Jiraiya doesn't care."
"That's because he'll use us as 'material' for his next novel," Minato pointed out. Seriously, he wasn't just being paranoid. He'd seen it happen before. Inoichi had not been happy to be the secret star of Icha Icha Tactics.
Jiraiya sputtered out a weak protest, but was immediately silence by Kushina's derisive snort. "As if. Even if it's just smut—"
"It's more than just smut!" Jiraiya exclaimed. "There's a deep plot and even a bit of mystery! I've even got a whole star-crossed lovers thing going on! It's not my fault if everyone only focuses on the smut!"
Kushina stared at him, and Jiraiya's mouth snapped shut. "Anyway, even if it's just smut—" here Jiraiya slumped in defeat, "—Jiraiya has a writer's pride. He'd never recycle his old material. And unfortunately for him, our bathroom sex is old material for him. Right down to the last position."
Jiraiya looked up, eyes wide with reverence. "Really? You two did that? Oh, Minato, I'm so proud! Even I've never done that with a woman!" He lunged forward and wrapped his unwilling student in a tight embrace. Minato looked pleadingly to Kushina, only to deflate when he saw her doubled over laughing.
After Minato finally managed to pull himself free, he turned to his sensei and cleared his throat. "There was actually something that Kushina and I wanted to ask you." He smiled and reached for his wife, taking her hand and stroking it with his thumb as he pulled her into an embrace. "We were thinking of using a name from one of your books for our child, and we wanted your blessing."
Jiraiya's mouth dropped open and he rubbed a hand over his jaw. The man was honestly taken aback. "You . . . what? Are you sure about this?"
Kushina's smile was warmer than sunshine. "We're sure. Naruto is a wonderful name."
Jiraiya froze, and his face rapidly paled. "Naruto, as in the Naruto from Icha Icha Paradise."
Minato nodded, a smile of his own tugging at his lips. "That's correct."
"Naruto, as in the main character who literally sleeps his way through the kingdom with every woman he meets, Naruto?"
"Yes, that Naruto," Minato confirmed.
Jiraiya whirled at him, a wild look in his eyes. "Minato, listen to me. I'm proud that you like my novels, I really am, but please don't name your child that!" he hissed, the plea turning into a veritable snarl.
Minato frowned his surprise, and Kushina pursed her lips. "What's wrong, sensei? We thought you'd be happy about us naming our firstborn son after one of your characters."
Jiraiya pulled at his hair with an exasperated moan. "If you do this I promise you that your son will hate you until the day you die, and then he'll dance on your desecrated bones. Besides, it was a name I thought of while eating ramen! What kind of a name is Naruto?!"
"Without that name, Naruto never would have existed," Kushina sniffed, then turned heel and promptly left the room.
There was an awkward silence, until Minato coughed. "Well, I guess we're keeping that name," he said sheepishly. He followed after his wife.
Once he was alone in the room, Jiraiya slapped a palm to his forehead and sunk tiredly into Minato's abandoned chair. "I tried, little guy," he apologized, hoping his words would somehow reach his unborn godson. "I'm sorry your parents are complete assholes."
"That's . . . Kushina, why would you name your child that?"
Around them, pedestrians had stopped in the middle of the street to make sure they had eavesdropped correctly.
Kushina beamed, oblivious to the stares. "You read that book too, Mikoto? That's great! Which scenes did you and Fugaku try out?"
"That's not the issue here," Mikoto said quickly, shifting the baby in her arms so his head rested snugly against her neck. "How could you name your son that?"
Kushina pouted. "That character helped me and Minato conceive!"
The Uzumaki woman didn't seem the least bit embarrassed in admitting to that, but Mikoto felt it acutely for them both. The people on the street were starting to whisper. If this didn't damage the Uchiha Clan's reputation, she didn't know what would.
While Mikoto had been thinking about the ramifications of Kushina's recklessness, her redheaded friend had apparently kept on talking like the motormouth she was.
"—so it was only proper and stuff to name our kid after him."
"Kushina, what the hell."
Minato coughed up blood and chunks of gore, life fading fast from his eyes.
"His name is Naruto . . . Make sure . . . the villagers see him as a hero for keeping the Kyūbi at bay."
The Sandaime blanched. "Minato, you named your son what?"
"Look, it's that child."
"Don't point. It might see and come this way."
"I wonder who named it. Maybe that was their own form of revenge, eh?"
"That's a twisted sense of justice if I've ever seen it."
There were murmurs of agreement all around.
"Hi, name's Naruto! Can I play with you guys?"
The group of boys looked at each other, but one just started laughing out of nowhere. Naruto glared at him, but the other children only stared in confusion. Eventually, the boy stopped with a gasp. "You've got the name of this guy in one of my momma's dirty books!"
There was a beat of silence, and then everyone started laughing. Everyone except Naruto.
"I do not!" he shouted indignantly. "You take that back!"
"You do too! I'll show you tomorrow!"
*one day later*
Naruto looked up from the smuggled book with an expression of complete dismay. "Did my parents hate me?"
The other kids winced their sympathy. Even if he was annoying and for whatever reason all the adults didn't like him, Naruto didn't deserve to have that kind of a name. "They probably did," one of the boys eventually admitted.
Naruto scowled and clenched his fist. "This sucks. Porn is the worst."
"I don't think it's that ba—"
"It is that bad! People who like porn are the worst kinds of people!"
"Hokage? Why would I want to become Hokage?"
Sarutobi took a long drag from his pipe. He really didn't want to do this, but he needed some way to motivate the child. "Well, if you were the Hokage, you could order a ban on all the porn in the village."
Naruto was far too enthusiastic for Sarutobi to be comfortable.
He was going to hell for this. He could already hear the screams of condemnation from his fellow perverts.
Maybe some damage control would help.
"It wouldn't be a popular decision, but if a Kage orders something—"
"I've decided! I'll become Hokage and take porn away from everyone!"
He was definitely going to hell for this. He could see it already. He'd have his own private corner with no porn in sight.
"Naruto, the problem isn't the porn, the problem is the fact that—"
"Do you get it now, Naruto? You're the demon fox that killed Iruka's parents! That's why everyone hates you so much!"
"What?! But I—wait, then how come I've got such a dirty name?! What does me being a demon fox have to do with that?!"
Mizuki shrugged. "Maybe your parents hated you?"
"I knew it," Naruto muttered.
"Hey Iruka-sensei, do you think that I can still be a great ninja even with my pervy name?"
Iruka smiled and ruffled Naruto's hair, all the while wondering how any parent could possibly hate their child so much.
"My name's Uzumaki Naruto! I like instant ramen, but what I like even more is ramen from Ichiraku's that Iruka-sensei treats me to! What I dislike is the three minutes it takes to cook instant ramen, and perverted parents who'd name their kid after a porn hero! My hobby is thinking of different ways to get porn banned from Konoha! And my future dream is to take every perverted book there ever was and have a giant book burning!"
Sakura looked at him like he had three heads and a tail. "Naruto, what the hell?"
Even Sasuke had raised an eyebrow.
Naruto proceeded to go on a heated rant about how perverts were the worst people in the world and that they all deserved to be punished.
Surreptitiously, Kakashi slid his personal copy of Icha Icha into the safety of his kunai pouch.
"My name's Uzumaki Naruto, and I'll never run away!"
Zabuza snorted from across the lake. "Man, your parents really didn't like you, did they?"
Naruto let out an enraged scream. "The only way you'd know about that is if you were a pervert! All perverts are scum!"
There was a giant puff of smoke, and hundreds of solid clones flooded the area.
Zabuza whistled. "So the porn hero has a few skills."
"DON'T CALL US THAT!" the porn hero clones bellowed.
"We'll call it the Great Naruto Bridge!"
"Don't do it, old man!"
Tazuna blinked in confusion before looking questioningly at Kakashi. "Did I say something wrong?"
Kakashi sighed, a tired grimace showing through despite the mask over his face. "My subordinate here has a certain hatred towards anything porn-related. Thus, he's a bit touchy about his name."
"Hey!" Naruto barked, an unnerving gleam in his eyes. "Porn is bad and you know it!"
"Right, right," Kakashi muttered under his breath, barely able to restrain the urge to reach for his Icha Icha which he'd somehow kept hidden from Naruto. He couldn't afford to blow his cover now, porn addiction be damned. He really needed a vacation.
"But what does your name have to do with porn . . ." Tazuna muttered, his nose scrunched up on total confusion.
From behind him, Tsunami coughed delicately, trying to hide her blush, and leaned forward to whisper in her father's ears. Tazuna frowned before his eyes widened and he turned to stare at Naruto with a profound sympathy. "That really, really stinks, kid."
"Tell me about it," Naruto hissed, viciously kicking the corpse of one of the thugs that was still lying on the bridge. It was a rather disturbing display.
Try as he might, Tazuna simply could not wrap his head around how cruel Naruto's parents had to be to give him such a name. The poor boy must have had a rotten childhood.
"How about we just name it the Great Uzumaki Bridge instead?" Tazuna proposed, hoping to lighten at least a bit of Naruto's burden.
It had the desired effect. Naruto's eyes lit up like someone was holding a candle behind them. "Really?" he breathed. "You're the best, old man!"
"You're a pervert, aren't you?! You just gave Sasuke a hickey!"
Orochimaru frowned as he withdrew his fangs from the newly-formed curse seal on Sasuke's neck. "What? Foolish child, you have no idea what I—"
"PERVERTS ARE SCUM!"
There was a poof of white smoke, and suddenly hundreds of shadow clones were taking up the call.
"PERVERTS ARE SCUM! PERVERTS ARE SCUM! PERVERTS ARE SCUM!"
Orochimaru gave up and destroyed all the clones with ease. Before he left, out of nothing but spite he gave the Kyūbi jinchūriki a seal that would completely disrupt his chakra control. He was not a pervert. He only wanted the Uchiha boy's body.
"Ebisu-sensei, how come we're training at the bath houses?"
Ebisu blushed and stammered and made a show of explaining how the hot water would motivate Naruto not to fall through and scald himself.
Naruto saw right through the bullshit.
"You're a closet pervert, aren't you?!" he accused menacingly, punctuating the statement with a damning pointed finger.
Ebisu panicked. By now, most of Konoha had heard of Naruto's religious hatred of all things perverted, and being exposed as a pervert was sure to get him on Naruto's bad side. No one wanted to be on Naruto's bad side. That kid was a pranking god.
He turned around, eyes scanning desperately for some kind of an escape route, only to find a solution in some white-haired man who was blatantly peeping on the women inside. Ebisu was over the moon. Someone else to shove the blame on!
He pointed imperiously and said in a grand, heroic (he thought) voice, "Hey, you pervert! What do you think you're doing, peeping on the women's bathroom?!"
The man whirled around to give him the evil eye. "You idiot, pipe down!" he hissed. "The ladies inside might hear you, and then we'll—"
Confused voices of women drifted over the wall before one of them shrieked and the rest started shrieking as well.
The white-haired man paled, dashing towards his peephole. "No, no, no! We were just getting to the good part!"
Slowly, his face red with fury, the white-haired man turned back around. "You," he growled deeply.
Ebisu realized that the guy was kind of huge. And with a dawning horror, Ebisu finally understood just who it was he'd pissed off.
Unfortunately for Ebisu, not only was the white-haired man a shinobi, he was a legendary shinobi who could have been Hokage if he really wanted to. The fight was almost embarrassingly short, and it ended with Ebisu's bruised and battered form tossed into the bath's hot water.
Naruto stared at him, mouth dropped open.
Jiraiya laughed. "Hey, kid. Impressed?" Inwardly he was panicking. He hadn't expected to stumble upon Minato's kid like this.
Naruto raised a shaky finger. "You—you're—"
Oh, he recognized him? Might as well add a little flair to the introduction. He settled into a wide, dramatic stance with his arms impressively spread apart. "I am the great Jiraiya, the legendary Toad Sage of Mount Myōboku, lover of women everywhere I go!"
"You're a pervert!"
Jiraiya blinked. The kid said it like that was a bad thing. "I'm not just some run-of-the-mill pervert," he sniffed, offended at the very thought. "I'm a super pervert! I even have a best-selling series to my name!"
Naruto stilled, going pale upon hearing the words 'super pervert' and 'best-selling series' in the same sentence. "You wrote those books?" he whispered.
Something cold dropped into the pit of Jiraiya's stomach, and he got the distinct feeling that he shouldn't have said that. Still, he decided to face his fate bravely like a man.
"Every single one," he declared in a proud voice. "They're all best-sellers, you know. I've had book signings in every major city in the Elemental Nations."
Naruto didn't care. He was livid. "IT'S YOUR FAULT I'M STUCK WITH THIS NAME!"
He tried to charge at him, but Jiraiya was standing on the hot water of the baths, so Naruto ended up falling in with a startled yelp.
Jiraiya facepalmed as the porn hero yowled and scrambled back to the bank. "I hate you, Minato," he muttered under his breath.
Eventually, Jiraiya managed to convince Naruto to stop trying to kill him. Or at least pounded into his head that he was years away from being able to in the first place.
"Your stupid porn got me stuck with this name! And you knocked out my teacher! Take responsibility and teach me jutsu, Ero-sennin!"
Jiraiya stared for a moment, then shrugged. The kid was right. It was only fair.
But first, "Don't call me that, brat!"
"Don't you ever insult the Hokage in my presence, lady!"
Tsunade snorted, not phased in the least. "Why not? They were all perverted morons. Hell, even Saru-sensei had a thing for Jiraiya's 'literature'." She took a deep swig of sake.
Naruto started at her like the floor had been ripped out from under his feet.
A few minutes later, he and Tsunade were having a great time hurling insults at all the dead Hokage.
Jiraiya was banging his head against the table.
"Sasuke, where the hell do you think you're going?! Come back to the village with me!"
"What could you possibly do, Porn Hero of Konoha?"
Naruto's eyes went red, and he lunged with a scream of righteous fury.
In the end the Porn Hero fell, and Sasuke left to live with a notorious pedophile.
Pein looked from one S-class criminal to another with the severity of a god.
"We are to gather the Tailed-Beasts to use for our purpose. I will personally handle the Kyūbi."
Of to the side, Deidara snorted. "You mean Konoha's 'Porn Hero,' un!"
Everyone stared silently, except for Hidan who snickered and Tobi who tilted his head with a dull, "Tobi doesn't get it."
Hidan, still snickering, explained, "The kid's shitty parents named him after the hero of a porn novel, and now those dumb fuckers down in Konoha won't stop calling him 'Porn Hero'."
The reactions were varied, but the general consensus was that it was pretty damn funny.
"Yes," Pein murmured. "With a name like that, the boy has known true pain."
In the middle of a crater that used to be Konoha, the Six Paths of Pein faced the Godaime Hokage. Her breathing was labored, and her voice trembled with rage. And through it all their stares were dead, unmoved.
Pein's Asura Path shot forward like the rocket he was, propelled by jet boosters attached to the soles of his feet. His mechanical hands were outstretched and bristling with knives, and all of them aimed at Tsunade.
"The one we really want—"
The Asura Path was instantaneously crushed with the force of a meteor. Bits of metal flew every which way, dirty engine oil leaking from the broken body instead of blood.
Naruto looked up from his position over his fallen foe. His eyes were a burnished gold, brimming with the power of a sage.
"The one you want is me!" he said, the declaration turning into a snarl halfway.
The Six Paths of Pein stared, until the one who looked like he was the leader took a step forward. "We have been looking for you, Porn Hero of Konoha."
"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" Naruto howled, rushing forth in a berserker rage.
"Huh? My name . . . How come the Yondaime knows my name?"
Minato's head tilted, his smile softening a few degrees. "Well, I'm the one who named you. You are my son after all."
Just like that, it felt like the world had been ripped out from under Naruto's feet. "Your son?"
"You heard me. You're my son."
Naruto felt something wet trail down his face, and he looked to the water-covered floor. Laughter, broken and mad, bubbled up from deep inside.
And then he punched his dad as hard as he could. "You're the worst dad ever," Naruto informed him.
Minato winced, clutching his aching midsection. "I'm sorry, Naruto. Forgive me for sealing the Kyūbi within you. There was no choice, and—"
"I don't give a damn about that! I'm mad because you're a dumb pervert who took my name from a porn novel!"
"I—" Minato stopped himself short of telling Naruto why that name had been chosen, correctly guessing that it would only make his son even angrier. He resigned himself to listening to Naruto's ranting and enduring the interspaced punches.
"Did you know that people won't stop calling me 'Porn Hero'?! DID YOU?!"
Minato knew he was going to burn in hell when he started laughing.
"I wanted to know if I could stand in front of you and forgive you, but now that I'm here, I can't. I want to kill you so badly that I can't stop shaking. Every part of me is telling me to do it."
Nagato said nothing, merely staring at the boy who stood in front of him. So the cycle of hatred continues in the end . . .
"No matter how many times I try, I just can't do it! I can't forgive you for killing Ero-Sennin! I wanted to be the one!"
Yes, who could forgive anyone for killing the one they wanted to—wait . . .
"What?" Nagato demanded incredulously. Even Konan had raised an eyebrow.
"It's his fault I'm stuck with this name," Naruto said by way of explanation. "Killing Ero-Sennin was one of my life-goals, and now I'll never be able to do it! The fact that you took that away from me is unforgivable!"
Far away on a mountain full of Toad Summons, the Great Toad Elder slapped a webbed hand to his wrinkled face. This was the Child of Prophecy?
"Have you guessed who I am yet, Naruto?"
"You're the Kyūbi, aren't you?! I knew you were crafty, but to think you'd actually transform into a woman and—ow!" Naruto clutched at his suddenly aching head, rubbing where the woman had socked him.
"You've got it wrong, ya know!" she screamed.
"What the hell, that really hurt! Ow ow—"
The woman sighed and shook her head, her long red hair billowing with the motion. "I'm your mother," she eventually said.
Naruto stilled to the ends of his hair, his mind struggling to process what he'd just heard.
The woman gave him a smile, but it was a bitter thing, twisted in regret. "I'm your mother, Naruto."
Naruto didn't even realize he was moving until his arms were tightly wrapped around her.
"I've . . . I've always," he sobbed, "always wanted to meet you, Mom. I've never stopped thinking about you, 'ttebayo . . ."
"'ttebayo, huh? You really are my son, dattebane."
"You fought him, didn't you?"
"You tried to fight Dad when he cursed me with this name, right?" Naruto's voice was heartbreakingly fragile, almost pleading in its tone.
"Uhh, yes! Absolutely!" Kushina hurriedly said, knowing that if she said the wrong thing her son would never forgive her. So she shamelessly threw her husband under the bus. "I told him over and over again not to do it, but he wouldn't listen!"
"I knew it!"
"I hope I'm not late, Naruto," a resurrected Minato said, rising from the battlefield's ground, a tri-pronged kunai gripped tightly in each hand.
"Nope. You're just in time, Dad," Naruto replied from a dozen yards away, in the middle of being healed by a pink-haired girl.
"Excellent," Minato muttered, eyes scanning the enemy in front of him. So not only had Madara returned, but he'd also revived the Ten-Tails. This wouldn't be easy.
"Mom told me everything, you know," Naruto said in an ominously low tone.
Minato paled, immediately turning around. "She what?"
"She said that giving me this stupid name was all your idea."
Minato's face twisted with outrage. "She what?!"
From high atop the Ten-Tails, Madara looked over to Obito. "What's going on down there?"
Obito slapped a palm to his face. "Nothing. Just that Minato-sensei's terrible sense for naming things has finally caught up to him."
There was an explosion, and Minato was engulfed in a dome of consuming wind. When it finally dissipated, half his body had been obliterated. It was recovering fast, but the damage was still horrific. After his mouth had reformed, Minato tried to speak. "Naruto, can we talk about this?"
His answer was another rasenshuriken.
"If you don't like your name, then why don't you just change it?! All you have to do is file the paperwork! Change your stupid name and leave our porn alone!"
Naruto paused in shock, and Sasuke seized the opportunity to have his Susanō slap his former teammate across the sky.
There was a sudden flash of light, and then Naruto was soaring back with the power of a meteor, punching the Susanō over and over again. "Not on your life, bastard! If I changed my name, that would mean that porn won!"
Sasuke barely resisted the urge to scream. There were just no way to reason with the blond prude. He had to win this fight. If he didn't, the world would be deprived of porn for generations to come.
Sasuke was an understandably sore loser.
To spite Naruto, he had become the leader of a secret rebellion of sorts in Konoha.
Not a real rebellion, mind you. A rebellion to spit on one simple rule: namely, the ban on porn. Runners would distribute contraband novels, and every month in secret underground meetings the oppressed citizens of Konoha had perverted book clubs. Kakashi, in a show of selfless sacrifice, would keep watch so that his fellow Konoha citizens could enjoy their porn without fear of reprisal.
Naruto never found out about any of this because Iruka was secretly a member, so he'd always treat him to Ichiraku's every time there was a meeting.
One day they would put an end to this oppressive regime.
One day, porn would make a glorious return.
~o0O0o~ A collaboration one-shot with EndoplasmicPanda ~o0O0o~