Moko-Chan: The best way for me to come up with random ideas for fanfics is for me to translate and read the novel carefully. ^_^ So let's step away from my usual angsty stuff and write a humour fic suitable for this series.
This is probably going to be the crackiest bizarre thing I have ever written
Takes place after Vol 12, after Urushihara was discharged from the hospital. After the incidents of the first story of Vol 0, after Emi more or less decided that she can talk to her mother without punching her in the face yeah.
One shot: Dinner Topics
The weather was getting colder and the nights longer. In Room 201 of Sasazuka Villa Rosa, there was a gathering of unusual beings around the table for-
"Uwah, hot pot! Ashiya, you're being really generous today!" The master of the house of Room 201, Maou Sadao, exclaimed as his loyal subject ,Ashiya Shiro, put a vessel filled with soup, fish and various vegetables in the middle of the table.
"Since the weather is so cold, I thought it would be more appropriate. Besides...I don't have to feed that many people today." Ashiya said as he proceeded to get rice for the people at the table - Their neighbour, Kamazuki Suzuno, Maou's "daughter", Alas=Ramus, the "daughter's" younger sister and "mother", Acies=Ara and Yusa Emi, the normal Japanese high school girl who knows their identity, Sasaki Chiho and the third resident of the household, Urushihara Hanzo.
"It was fun when there are a lot of people though." Chiho commented as she thought of how a few more people would squeeze into the tiny apartment just to have a meal together. "Yusa-san, Nord-san and Laila-san are not joining us?"
Emi gave a mildly annoyed look when she heard her mother's name being mentioned but replied anyway.
"My father and Laila decided to go somewhere else to eat because it's been a while since they had time together alone."
"Then how about Iron-kun?" Chiho added. Iron was the Geburah Sephira. Because of some circumstances, he was currently under the care of Nord Justina.
"Father left him with Amane-san. Well, it's not like Iron is going to go berserk anytime but if anything happens, Amane-san can take care of it."
"Eh...I was hoping Iron could be here too." Acies=Ara, one of the fragments of the Yesod Sephira, said unhappily. "Right, nee-chan?"
The toddler who Acies=Ara addressed as her older sister nodded.
"The less people the better. It's so annoying when everyone's cramped together. It's not as if this place is that large. And somehow, that stupid Gabriel thinks he can fit himself in here." Urushihara said as he took his chopsticks and started to reach for the ingredients in the hot pot. The next moment, his hand got smacked by Suzuno.
"Lucifer, please set a good example for the two children." Suzuno glared at him with a side glance motioning at Acies=Ara who seated next to him and Alas=Ramus who was sitting on his lap.
"And if you're not careful and get Alas=Ramus scalded by accident, the Demon King and I won't forgive you." Emi added with a slightly threatening tone.
"...She was the one who insisted on sitting here in the first place…" Urushihara grumbled, but as usual, he was ignored.
"Eh, let's eat then. Right, Maou-san?" Chiho said with a troubled smile as she felt uncomfortable due to the tense atmosphere. She turned to Maou for a response.
"Yeah, let's eat!" Maou replied cheerfully, already reaching for the food in the hot pot. Everyone at the table followed his lead.
After a few minutes…
"Oh, it's that documentary about lions." Chiho suddenly said.
"Ah, Yusa, do you want me to turn the television off? I remember you said you didn't want Alas=Ramus watching too much television." Ashiya asked the "mother".
"Just not the overstimulating cartoons. Documentary shows are fine. I let her watch them too." Emi replied.
"Big kitties!" Alas=Ramus piped up.
"They're called lions, nee-chan." Acies supplied helpfully.
"….extremely large prides, consisting of up to 30 individuals, have been observed, the average pride consists of five or six females, their cubs of both sexes, and one or two males who mate with the adult females. The number of adult males in a coalition is usually two but may increase…."
That was the content from the documentary. It was being narrated by a well-known wildlife conservationist.
"Seems like the predatory animals on Earth are really small huh…." Suzuno said as she watched the documentary with interest.
"Either that or the ones in Ente Isla are way too big." Emi said, thinking back to the time when she had to take down a lizard the size of a bus.
"I wonder what the family structure of Demons are like…" Chiho said absentmindedly as she wondered.
Suddenly, everyone else at the table was looking at Chiho, surprised at her thoughts.
"Eh? Eh? I mean um...you know...I'm just curious. Urhm, demons are really different from humans right, so I'm just wondering if the family structure was different as well and everything." The Japanese high schooler quickly explained herself, looking embarrassed by the sudden attention.
Ahhhh...because Ashiya-san told me about what it was like before Maou-san became King that I got so curious…. Chiho wished she had a hole she could bury herself into.
"It's not all that interesting to hear about you know…" Maou said, laughing it off.
"But you don't mind me asking right?" Chiho asked.
"Not at all."
"I have to admit I'm curious as well." Suzuno said. She probably shared the same thoughts as Chiho. "There's hardly, if not none at all, any records on how demons lived."
Emi nodded when Suzuno said that, perhaps she too, was also interested.
"It's not as if demons have records on how humans lived." Urushihara commented.
"Wah...are you talking about complicated stuff again?" Acies=Ara interrupted.
"Please brush up on your Japanese, Acies." Maou said with a sigh.
"So I'll start asking then. Ashiya-san, how old are you actually?" Chiho raised her hand slightly as though she was asking a question in the classroom.
"Huh? I thought you were going to direct the questions at Demon King-sama. If you mean my actual age, it's one thousand five hundred approximately." Ashiya threw a glance at Maou before answering Chiho's question.
"One thou...thousand five hundred!" Chiho exclaimed. Suzuno and Emi looked extremely shocked as well. For humans like them where living to one hundred was already considered rare and a miracle beyond words, living more than one thousand years was incomprehensible.
"There's nothing shocking about that, demons do live pretty long, assuming they don't get killed." Maou said, understanding their shock.
"Then, Maou-san, how old are YOU?"
"Huh me? Well, I'm considered quite a young demon. In fact, Camio still calls me a brat. Hahaha. I just crossed the three hundred mark."
"Thr...three hundred. That's amazing." Chiho stared blankly at Maou.
"How long do demons live anyway?" Emi asked.
"Um...well since demons kill each other all the time…"
He actually said that so casually.
That's what the three human girls thought at that moment.
Maou folded his arms across his chest and started pondering.
"Well, if we assume Camio is the longest living demon so far, I guess we can live up to a few thousand years? I totally lost track of that old man's age."
"That...little chicken...is actually that old." Emi said in awe.
"Papa, are you talking about little chirp-chirp?" Alas=Ramus curiously asked when she heard Camio's name.
"Want to play with little chirp-chirp again!" Alas=Ramus exclaimed, waving her arms in delight. Urushihara immediately pushed her arms down gently so she would not hit him or anything on the table by accident.
"I don't think that old bird would like it. Though it would be highly amusing. Anyway, Sasaki, what's your point about asking about demon's ages?" Urushihara asked, thinking that the line of questioning was completely off topic from Chiho's original curiosity about the demons' family structure.
"Eh, I admit I digressed. So what I want to ask is...um...how should I put it? Ashiya-san, you're considered an adult in demon terms right?"
"Well, of course I'm an adult even in demon terms." Ashiya answered, tilting his head slightly at the strange question.
"Ashiya's the clan leader for his group. There's no way they'll put a child in that position." Maou said. Then he started shoving some rice in his mouth.
"So...Ashiya-san, do you have a wife?"
The killer question was asked. Suzuno, Emi and Urushihara stopped eating and stared at Chiho. Ashiya froze visibly. Meanwhile, Acies was slapping Maou's back because he choked.
"Have some tea, Maou!" Acies grabbed Maou's cup of tea from the table and passed it to him. Maou coughed a few times and drank the tea to wash the rice down.
"Thanks. Chi-chan...Hahaha, there's no way Ashiya would have…"As Maou was answering Chiho's question in Ashiya's place, he turned to look at the general he known for almost two hundred years for affirmation so that they could close this topic once and for all. However Ashiya showed no sign or attempt to deny what Chiho had asked.
"Alsiel isn't saying anything. Don't tell me…" Emi started saying, her eyes widening at the implication of the silence from the Eastern Demon General. After what seemed like a minute of back and forth glances, Ashiya finally spoke.
"Well, I'm not sure if 'wife' would be the most appropriate term."
"So it's a yes?! Alsiel really has a wife?!" Suzuno put down her chopsticks and her hand was on the table as though she was ready to stand up any time.
"Hehehe...Suzuno-san, you're strangely excited about this." Chiho commented with a forced laugh.
"Ashiya…You never invited me to your wedding." Maou looked dispirited. The general he thought he knew the best was hiding such a large secret from him.
"There's no wedding! Basically, how it's like for my clan is how it's like for the lions!" Ashiya answered in exasperation and he pointed at the television. Conveniently, the documentary was showing a footage of two young looking male lions lazing around with about six or seven female companions around them. The accompanying narration was-
"...highly social animals. Lion prides are harems of related females and their cubs. The males will mate with the females at non-specific periods…."
"Harem…" Urushihara muttered the key word.
"What's a harem? Is it a car?" Acies=Ara asked innocently.
"Nevermind Acies, you don't have to know." Urushihara replied immediately.
That's when Chiho smacked the table with her hand and stood up, her face red.
"Is that what it is? Ashiya-san has….has a ha..ha...harem?!" Chiho was stuttering in pure shock and surprise.
The Ashiya that she knew, the Ashiya who would cook delicious food every day, clean the house and do laundry and be frustrated over the cost of groceries like a housewife was actually a chauvinistic and frightening armored demon who would sit on his stony throne while being served by multiple numbers of females of his clan, each of them vying for his attention…
"Sasaki-san, I have no idea what impression you have of a harem but whatever it is, I think you're totally off the mark." Ashiya commented when it looked as though Chiho had steam was coming out of her ears.
"Alsiel, my impression of you as the ultimate herbivore has totally changed." Emi said.
"Please don't use your human standards to judge the lives of demons. Listen, there's no romance in the propagation of the next generation. The duty of the females in our clan is just to raise the young, that's all. I don't treat my offspring as my children. They are merely members of the Iron Scorpion clan who exist to further the glory of the clan."
"Wah, it sounds really harsh when you put it that way." Maou said.
"Because that's how it is." Ashiya said bluntly.
"Eh...why do you call Ashiya a herbivore? He obviously eats meat…" Acies=Ara asked another irrelevant question.
"I like meat!" And Alas=Ramu made an irrelevant comment.
"Then…"Chiho wanted to ask another question however the inquisitor beat her to it first.
"Eggs or live birth?"
Ashiya glared at Suzuno, his eyes narrowing. But Suzuno stared right back, undeterred at all. Knowing at Suzuno would not back down until she got her answer, Ashiya sighed, put his hand to his face and mumbled in a barely audible tone.
"Eh? Is that so? Since you guys are so spiny, I thought it would be eggs for sure." Maou said. The Iron Scorpions have prided themselves of having the highest defence among all the demon clans courtesy of the rock hard black armour that covered them.
"Demon King-sama...don't you start as well. The spines of the young are very soft. They only harden after a month or so." Even though Ashiya warned Maou, he still dutifully explained and corrected Maou's misconception.
"Oh…" Maou nodded in amazement at the new piece of knowledge he learnt.
"By the way, Camio's Pahalo clan members lay eggs."
"Demon King-sama, why are you continuing this conversation?!" Now it's Ashiya's turn to hit the table. However, his protests went ignored.
"I guess it's expected. He did become a bird after all." Emi said.
"And for the Pahalo clan, they mate for life. But I never met Camio's wife before." Maou continued saying.
"Then, Maou-san, how about your family?"
"They're pretty similar the Pahalo clan. There's no harem or anything." Maou said while giving Ashiya a mocking smile. Ashiya tried his best to ignore it.
"But I'm the only surviving member so I don't really know much about them."
"Maou, you just singlehandedly made the atmosphere take a turn for the worse." Urushihara said as the expressions of the three human girls and the two fragments of Yesod change from one of curiosity to one of sadness.
"Ah...ah hahaha. Don't mind much about that. It was a really long time ago. Eh...let's just change the channel, shall we?" Maou scratched the back of his head and then reached for the remote. Maou switched the channel to one of a quiz show. And just in time as well, for the documentary program was about to reach a scene where Urushihara might have to cover Alas=Ramus's eyes.
The topic about the life cycle of demons was then dropped and the bizarre group continued their dinner while answering questions from the quiz show.
Moko-chan: Ok done...crackish….kinda crackish.
pika318: Could be just me, but I was laughing way too much while reading this. Occasional humour is really appreciated. Please let us know what you guys think!