Ever wonder what kind of fan fiction a paranoid author that is bent on NOT having clichés in his/her story would produce?
Well, just read on!
"Of Strange Occurrences and the Like"
Ah, it was a strange weather indeed.
Surely, the sun was high in the air. That was nothing out of the ordinary for this town, or any town for that matter. Then again, it was never ordinary in Tomoeda. Oblivious to all the magical hubbub present in their small neighborhood, the people go about their business thinking of logical reasons as to why all the cakes suddenly became too sweet or why elementary school marathon participants almost drowned in a bizarre flood of cherry blossoms.
It was never ordinary in Tomoeda.
Even so, nobody could've prepared these meager souls for what awaited them one peculiar morning, when all the birds took off for a day without singing, eager to peck the eyes off unsuspecting victims in New Jersey.
The sunshine was piercing that morning. In fact, it burned the skin of any person unfortunate enough to go out of the shade that particular day, no matter how calloused s/he might be. Not only that. It was also raining.
A never-ending rain.
Tomoyo waited in her silver second-hand corvette, tapping the tinted glass of her car window. It was all I could do, she thought.
Meanwhile, Sakura had just finished her cereal. Odd, she contemplated as she scratched her head, Usually Papa would cook our breakfast but now... She lethargically glanced at their stained sofa, where a drunk Fujitaka lay prostrated and unmoving.
Sakura could still hear the stifled snores of her wasted father as she went out the doorway. "Lazy bum", she muttered, slamming the door shut.
After cautiously getting into the car, Sakura took off the special sun-protected jacket Tomoyo had made for her. Honestly, she had no idea how it ended up in her closet, but she was glad to have it with her or else she would have to visit her perverted dermatologist for the next five months. She wouldn't want that now, would she?
Sakura turned to her bosom buddy, her most intimate friend: the girl sitting beside her. Careful not to be heard by Tomoyo's new gay driver, she whispered. "Tomoyo-chan... do you think a Clow Card did this?"
Tomoyo shrugged. "Be the card and you will cry."
"Huh?" Sakura tilted her head backward in confusion.
Tomoyo shrugged again.
Moving on to another scene, the readers find themselves warped to the very place our two characters are going to. A place of education where acne is in, rival gangsters compete desperately in academics, and freaks of nature reign virtually everywhere:
Situated in the middle of the hallway, we could see dozens of fan girls clustered around the school's heartthrob.
A pair of feet watched this disgusting scene, each toe itching with abhorrence. [Either that or it was just his recurrent athlete's foot acting up again.]
Syaoran smirked and spat at the fuss those idiots are making over that #censored#. Sure, that #censored# had everything practically the whole male population ever wanted: unruly black hair with green highlights; a face overrun by acne; an uneven set of grimy yellow teeth; bony proportions; and most of all, bad breath girls could literally die for. He will never be any of those things. Syaoran exhaled noisily.
He continued walking and unceremoniously passed by the heedless crowd, minding his own business, when a squeaky voice called him.
"Li-oser! Come over here!"
Syaoran rolled his eyes irritably. "What do you want Mr. Popularity, your royal lowness?"
"Oh, nothing really. Just wanted to check up on you." the mousy lad clucked his tongue, making a couple of fan girls faint with exhilaration. "And of course, laugh in your smooth and unattractive face!" He guffawed, the stench of his pungent breath quickly diffusing in the air.
Syaoran cringed. His hands immediately flew up to cover his sensitive nose. He coughed and managed to say, "Fine, whatever." He took a step back and briskly walked away, avoiding the immobile bodies of unconscious girls scattered on the ground.
THE HALLOWEEN DANCE IS DRAWING NEAR!
BE IN YOUR MOST RAVISHING ATTIRE AND THE DANCE COMMITTEE WILL SEE YOU THERE!
Sakura stared dreamily at the bold letters fully clad with little jack-o-lanterns and fake blood, the announcement sprayed generously on the school wall.
"Behead the prince?" Tomoyo gave her chum a playful pat on the behind.
"Ho~ly #censored#!" Sakura jumped in surprise, startled by her pal's odd way of consoling her. She slowly lifted her head, Indian music ringing in her ears. "I don't know what's wrong with you, Tomoyo-chan, but I think you meant to say 'what's the matter?' Am I right?"
Tomoyo nodded. "It was all I could do!" she grinned.
Sakura breathed deeply and said without stopping, "I bet you're wondering if I was depressed because I have no date for the dance, well, since I am one of the most unpopular and good-looking girls here in school, I have no chance of getting a date whatsoever and I 'm really, really sad about that. It's been eight years since I last dated and the last and only time I had a date was when my Papa fixed me up with a drunken old man. Man, that was the worst day of my life, and what's worse, I have a crush on the school heartthrob and he doesn't even know I exist! My life is so depressing!" She burst into theatrical tears.
She whacked the black man beside her playing a nose flute. "And if you don't stop playing that #censored# thing, you're #censored# gonna get it mister!"
Rubbing his head, the black man gave her a wide grin and scurried away.
Sakura glared at the poor man as he tripped over the body of a pale girl that lay motionless on the floor. Within a couple of blinks, her face transformed immediately into fan-girl mode, her only thoughts being, Ooh! Fresh tracks of the school heartthrob!
Twisting her head towards Tomoyo, she let out a silly laugh. "Any-hoo, that's not the reason why I was staring at the announcement for so long. I was admiring the committee's artistic design for the notice. Isn't it pretty?" She grinned widely at the girl whom she had known ever since she couldn't even remember because of the nasty bump she had when Touya purposely dropped her on the head when she was still four.
"Be the card and you will cry." Tomoyo said, smiling.
Sakura's eyes became large plates as realization dawned on her. "You're right, Tomoyo-chan! I should follow the core of my being that pumps oxygenated blood all over my body with the help of arteries, veins, etc.!"
"Behead the prince!" came the jolly response. "It was all I could do!"
Sakura immediately ran off, following the trail of lifeless bodies with the renewed hope of finding the little thing most people dream of having...
...a quick and painless death.
/ Fast forward to the day of the dance itself /
After a few days of insanity that this author would not care to elaborate on, it was finally the day of the much-awaited dance.
Ah, yes... the Halloween dance: the event wherein every girls' (or boys'/gays'/lesbians') dream to be able to dance with the school heartthrob whom she (or he) had secretly loved practically every nanosecond of her (or his) #censored# life becomes a reality after countless years of waiting. The school heartthrob, who remains unnamed, that will never reciprocate her (or his) wayward feelings because they are only friends, nothing more. A fanciful fairytale wherein her (or his) childhood friend, who had forgotten all about her (or him) because of his (or her) gained popularity, finally notices her (or him) and then they would live happily... forevermore.
But alas, that would never happen. [At least, not in this fanfic.]
Never!, Sakura repeated in her mind. She heaved a gloomy sigh.
"Be the card and you will cry." Tomoyo whispered softly, patting her pal on the arm. She was wearing her custom-made Barney costume.
"Keep on saying that and I will cry." Sakura replied through gritted teeth. She was wearing who the #censored# cares about what they are wearing anyway.
"Behead the prince?" Tomoyo took a step back, hurt.
Sakura took herself by surprise. "I'm sorry, Tomoyo-chan!" She placed a hand on each of her chum's ears. "You didn't hear that." she said curtly.
"It's just that what's-his-name didn't show up." Sakura confided.
Tomoyo nodded and urged her to continue.
"I wanted to dance with him tonight just like every other girl in this room. But he didn't even..."
Sakura was in the middle of her heartfelt confession when out of the blue, a muffled voice interrupted her: "Attention! Attention! We are not sorry to interrupt this #censored# school dance, but as of 8:00 p.m. today, we are pleased to inform you that what's-his-name had died in a freak accident."
"Either that or his bad breath finally got to him." the voice added.
All the girls in the room let out a simultaneous gasp. A lone whoop of joy could be heard among the sobs and sniffles of devastation.
Sakura's eyes filled up with salty water. Without even a single word of caveat, she swiftly whirled around and dashed off.
She ran away from everything.
Everything that had only caused her grief and emotional torture.
She ran on to the place of solace wherein she could find comfort in this cruel and unforgiving planet - the bathroom.
Tomoyo watched the withdrawing form of her bosom buddy helplessly, unable to move from her spot. Much as she wanted to go follow Sakura to Clow-doesn't-know-where, she just couldn't. Her feet were planted firmly on the ground. I mean, really. She was glued to the floor. Literally.
"It was all I could do." she sighed gravely.
Tomoyo blinked, wondering what the familiar sound was. She searched the crowd for a familiar face. Well, there were a lot of familiar faces but she couldn't tie a knot to this mystery. What is that sound? Where did it come from? Why were her feet cold and wet? Will there ever be world peace?
"Tomoyo-san! Down here!"
Tomoyo looked down at her feet, which were now covered with a mixture of tar, slime, grime, rugby and a bit of PVA glue. No wonder she couldn't move!
She squinted her eyes and looked more closely. She saw familiar round glasses in the center of the odd substance. Her eyes grew large in amazement. Why, of course! It was Eriol! At least, she thought it was... (It could be Harry Potter, for all she knew.)
"Be the card and you will cry." she said.
"Would you care to repeat that?" requested the slimy mess with glasses.
She blushed. "Behead the prince? It was all I could do."
Eriol laughed (at least, she thought it was Eriol). "That was a new one! Tomoyo-san, thanks a bunch! I needed a good laugh. I was getting rather stiff here." Eriol smiled kindly at her (at least, she thought it did.)
Tomoyo smiled back. "Be the card and you will cry?"
"Well, you see... I wanted to go as Grimer. You know, a Pokemon. My magic could easily do that but... as you can see..." He chuckled. "I messed up real good, didn't I?"
"Behead the prince!"
Eriol laughed some more until bubbles emerged from his formless body. "Tomoyo-san, you slay me!"
"It was all I could do." she smiled.
They laughed good-heartedly... together... at last.
Sakura stared at the whirlpool inside the toilet bowl, lost in her own thoughts.
"What are you doing?"
Without even looking up, Sakura answered. "Feeling sorry for myself." She flushed the toilet again.
"Yeah?" the voice paused. "Hey... Do I know you from somewhere?"
Sakura raised her head and saw a vampire standing next to her. He was now staring at the toilet as well. She frowned. She knew this young man.
She closed her eyes as she tried to recall. "Li-kun?" she said, unsure.
"Yeah." he replied. "... Sakura, right?"
Sakura smiled. "Yes."
Silence fell upon them as they continued staring at the counterclockwise flow of the whirlpool inside the toilet bowl. Maybe life was like that sometimes. You go around in circles, trying to find your way, but you'll end up with the same thing in the end. There is only one destination with a million pathways to choose from.
You just have to decide which path to take.
They already did.
And that's that.
x x x
x x x
This parody was not based on any particular story found in fan fiction dot net or any other web site slash web page.
Disclaimer: All the named characters found in this fan fiction belong to their respective owners. I do not own them in any way. CCS belongs to Clamp, not me, as you all know. :-}
Special thanks to the ff.
L-chan For her fan fiction "The CCS 'Fanfic Cliches' Fanfic", which got me interested in parodizing clichés and stuff. Thanks a lot! :-}
Mysfaer For her fan fiction "A Completely Senseless and Stupid CCS Fanfic" Chapter 16, which inspired me to write my own CCS parody. Also, thank you so much for pre-reading my fanfic, Mysfaer-chan! ;-}
WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY For helping me come up with the idea of limiting Tomoyo's lines to only three phrases: "It was all I could do"; "Be the card and you will cry"; and "Behead the prince." :-} Love the show! ^_^