Sometimes people do bad things for the right reasons. Sometimes, people have to get a little hurt for things to get better. Sometimes you have to put yourself first. And that's what Craig was doing. Yes, he would probably look like the bad guy to everyone, but at least this time he was actually doing something that warranted the response. Besides, Tweek owed him for the fallout of their last big public fight, in fourth grade. Craig hadn't done anything wrong, but everyone thought that he had cheated on Tweek with some kid named Michael, and glared at him for the rest of the week. Because of this, he couldn't get any chicks. It was totally fair to stop Tweek from getting chicks too. Wasn't it? Plus, Tweek would forgive him, eventually.
At least he hoped he would…
Still, Craig had weighed all of his options, and taken into account every possible resulting scenario, and still decided to do this. Okay, maybe he hadn't thought of everything, but he didn't have time. Red was moving in fast, and Tweek had been avoiding him. Something had to be done, before everything fell apart.
Now, Tweek had seemed to stop avoiding him, he had been texting and calling like crazy these last few days, but Craig feared the worst. That Tweek was trying to get a hold of him to stop their arrangement, so he could date Red, and live a blissful heteronormative life, where he wouldn't be hounded by his parents, or have his relationship status be a celebrity for the town to comment on. But Craig didn't want that. Yes, the town annoyed him to bits, and his finger had grown sore from all the times he had to flash it at people staring, but he liked Tweek. And he didn't want to share him.
Cartman woke up to the smell of pancakes that his mother had placed by his bed. He took the plate, and then retreated with it back under the covers. He nibbled on it while he feared what school had in store for him today. Why the fuck did he have to do that?! He shouldn't have drunk at that party. He should have just made himself puke so that Kenny would have let him go home without question. Kenny, that asshole.
Now everyone would know, that Eric Cartman had a hard on for a Jew. Because Kyle couldn't be trusted to keep his mouth shut. He was Jewish, and always ruining things for Cartman. Okay, so maybe that was rarely true. But he definitely would have told Stan, and then Stan would have told Wendy because even if Jews can keep their mouths shut sometimes, vegans certainly can't. And if Wendy knew, then everyone else did too. Because Wendy was a bitch.
Maybe he just shouldn't go to school today. He'd tell his mom that her pancakes gave him diarrhea, and she would let him stay home. It had to have been a fluke that Kyle kissed back. Maybe he was just a slut when he was drunk. No doubt the Jew would lead everyone to believe that Cartman forced himself on him. Well if he did, Cartman would just say that it was Kyle who forced him, and Kenny was an accomplice who forced him to get drunk. Kenny couldn't say his blackmail was based on Cartman liking Kyle, because that would be insinuating that since Cartman allegedly had feelings for Kyle and that Kenny knew that ahead of time. Eric would just make it seem like Kyle and Kenny to take advantage of him. Yeah, that work.
Cartman rolled out of bed, his pancakes finished. He could do this. If he survived showing himself giving an accidental blowjob to Butters, he could survive this. If not there would be lawsuits. He'd sue everyone for slander and defamation of character. The money would make him feel better, and soften the blow. Cartman considered calling up Cupid Me, as a quick rebound option, but then he remembered how clingy that dude was and thought better of it.
Kyle was at school much earlier than normal. Sometimes he liked to get to school early to get some last minute studying in before a test, or to research some Canadian info when his brother was acting hormonal. He had googled "Can Canadian boys get periods?" once at home, and Ike had been looking over his shoulder. Long story short, Ike was even pissier after that. Today, Kyle was at school to do research on someone else's hormones; his own.
Friday had been so messed up, dude. None of his memories from that night made any sense. Nor did the tightening of his pants when he tried to remember that night. Had he really kissed Cartman? Had Cartman actually been a decent human being?! Had Kyle actually regretted, for the briefest of moments, that their interaction had ended after just kissing?
"Gyaaah!" Kyle shaked his head. He was glad there was no one in school to see this internal struggle. Especially Stan, he really didn't have it in him to begin to explain what was going on between himself and Cartman to his best friend. The friend, who knew just as well as Kyle should, what a disgusting and vile person Cartman was.
But kissing him had felt so good! And after that brief moment, they had both run home, so there was no time to process what all that was about. Kyle had inferred two of the hardest to believe theories ever after that. The first, was that Cartman, the boy who had often suggested their group of friends kill Kyle, liked him. The second, was that this weird feeling that Kyle had thought was a warning about Cartman, was actually a yearning for Cartman.
"Ugh!" Kyle could feel the vomit coming up. The idea was just so wrong. The whole situation was fucked up. And worse was this fear—this little anxiety that Kyle was trying very hard to ignore—that Cartman only acted that way towards him because he was drunk, and that it wasn't real at all. Kyle had been a little intoxicated, but Cartman had seemed like an entirely different person, so it could have all been because of the alcohol, and none of it real. And Kyle wished that he didn't feel this way. If Cartman were here, he'd bust a gut laughing at him, and then dance around the whole school, telling everyone how Kyle was stupid enough to fall for him. At least Cartman won't tell anyone about Friday night. Cartman was too proud to admit something like that, and probably more embarrassed than Kyle was that it had happened.
"A-are you okay?"
Kyle flipped around, to see Tweek Tweak, hesitantly standing behind him. "Not really."
"Oh Jesus! Do you have what Craig has?! Is it contagious?" Good old Tweek. Kyle could distract himself from his own issues and focus on Tweek's.
"No Tweek. I'm not sick, I wouldn't be at school if I were."
"Why are you here so early?" Tweek asked.
"I was going to the library…" Kyle just then remembered that he had come to research homosexuality before anyone else got there. Guess that no longer an option. "Why are you here?"
"I-uh…" Tweek looked down. He seemed to be twitching more than usual. "Well, Red is supposed to be working this morning, and—It's too much pressure!" That's right. Tweek had rejected Red on Friday night too. Man, what was going on that night? Kenny almost died, Tweek was confessed to, and Cartman was nice. Cartman. Kyle flushed.
"I…'m sure that its fine, Tweek." Kyle said. "She'll probably quit soon anyway. But if you keep avoiding her like this, the situation will never be resolved." Right. And what happened last night between him and Cartman wouldn't be resolved until they talked about it. He just had to suck it up, and face him. Kyle was good at that. He could take a hit. He had taken over everyone in the town's debt for them, so that the economy could go on after the financial crises. He could do this much.
Kenny drove Butters to school. Things were going very well on the Butters front. Soon they would be doing more than just walking together, like holding hands and butt stuff. When they arrived at the school, Kenny rushed out of the car to open the passenger seat for Butters. He was nothing if not a gentleman.
"Thanks Kenny, but I can get my own door." Butters said, grabbing his backpack, and then shutting the door behind him.
"Yeah, but I wanted to it for you." Kenny wrapped his arm around Butters and leaned on him, forcing Butters to support his weight.
"Kenny, what are you doing?" Butters asked concerned.
"I used too much energy opening the door for you."
"Stop being silly. Get up."
Kenny went limp, forcing Butters to drop a bit before he could catch himself with the new weight. "Carry me."
"Kenny if you were too weak to open an extra door, you shouldn't have come to school today, much less driven me." Ugh. Sometimes Butters' lack of doubt took the fun out of playing with him. Kenny wrapped his other arm around Butters and pecked him on the lips.
Butters dropped them both to the ground. "W-what was that for?!"
Kenny sprung up, and offered his hand out to Butters. "Look, your kiss has cured me!" Butters rejected the offer for his hand.
"You told me you'd knock that off, Ken." Butters said as he pushed himself up.
"It was a necessary, evil." Kenny shrugged.
"So kissing me is an evil?" Kenny was a little surprised at this quip. He stared at Butters a moment, trying to figure out if he was actually flirting back.
"The furthest thing from it." Kenny finally said. Butters was already five feet ahead of him.
"Hurry up Kenny, or you're going to be late."
When they reached the main hallway, Kenny saw Cartman hiding behind his locker, while glaring/peeking at Kyle who was talking to Tweek.
He was going to pick on Cartman, but then he heard Tweek gasp, and saw the relief wash over the spaz's face. He turned and saw Craig—who was alive and well—walking toward Tweek.
Craig marched past the students of South Park High. His target clear. He could see Red talking to Bebe and Wendy in the background. Good. He wanted her to see this. He wanted everyone to see this.
Tweek was talking to Kyle by Kyle's locker. Craig pushed Kyle aside and slammed Tweek into the locker. He ignored Kyle's protest and the heads it caused to turn toward him, and grabbed Tweek by the collar. He smashed his mouth against Tweeks'. Tweek tried to push him away, but Craig just shoved his tongue down his throat. Tweek sputtered, but Craig pushed him back against the locker and held him there.
Their kiss—really more of a forced makeout—lasted about a minute, until Craig finally released a gasping Tweek. There. Craig had finally laid claim to what was his. Now everyone knew who Tweek belonged to. Now Red could get it into her thick skull that she needed to back off and that Tweek was his and only his and was-crying. Tweek was crying.
Tweek backed away from Craig, half enraged and half miserable. Craig took a step toward him, and Tweek shrugged away before he could touch him. Tweek looked around at all the shocked faces of their classmates who had just watched this all transpire. "Please don't tell my parents!" He sobbed, and then ran for the school door.
Kenny saw two things happening in slow motion. Craig beginning to run after Tweek, and Red turning to attack Craig. He rushed to block Craig from making a huge mistake. Craig needed to give Tweek some time to calm down and himself some time to get to his senses. What the fuck had he been thinking? Outing them both without permission.
"Get out of my way, Kenny." Craig said. Kenny caught Red's arm just as she was about to claw Craig.
"Give him some space, Craig." Kenny said, not budging.
"You bastard!" Red Screamed. "Why would you do that to him?" Maybe Tweek even liked Craig, and never liked her. Maybe Red was still sore about being rejected, but that didn't mean anyone was allowed to make Tweek cry. Tweek didn't deserve that. And if it was true that Tweek and Craig were an item, that didn't mean that Craig got to do that to him, never mind in front of her to spite her. Especially since he had already won. Is this how the victor treated the spoils? The spoils. Exactly, he was treating Tweek like an object. She kicked, and managed to get a hit to Craig's kneecaps, before Kenny pulled her away.
Craig buckled slightly in pain, but recovered, and made to get around Kenny again. "I said get out of my way." Craig was showing some actual emotion-i.e. fury- for once, which if Red were being honest, scared her a bit. But she was too riled up to be frightened. "You fucker! You think I'm going to let you hurt him anymore, you creep?!" She clawed Kenny's arm with her free hand and he released her, She then jumped Craig, knocking them both to the ground. She got in as many punches as she could before Kenny once again pulled her off him, this time by the armpits.
"Let go of me Kenny!" She screamed. Craig sat up. He put his hand behind his head and when he brought it to his face to look at it, she could see that it was covered in blood. She didn't care, all she could see was red anyway.
Kenny's arm throbbed. Red must really Like Tweek. Holding her as she struggled and shook against him was no easy feat.
Craig, the crazy bastard, tried once again to get around Kenny. Red started swinging as he came close. Kenny barely had time to curve her out of the way before she could cause more damage. Still he couldn't let Craig go after Tweek, so he quickly released Red and caught her again in one arm, freeing his other hand to grab Craig's wrist. Craig was probably concussed and therefore couldn't put up as much of a fight. Still, "Let me go, Kenny!" Both Red and Craig shouted. He saw a teacher approaching them and realized that the bell must have rung ages ago, because they, and Cartman for some reason, were the only ones left in the hallway.
"Red. Let it go." He ordered. Red looked at him incredulously.
"As if! This motherfucker is getting the beating that's coming to him." Craig didn't seem to care about what was going on with Red.
"You owe me!" He practically cried, bringing up the favor he had gotten from her in exchange for a seat change. Red hesitated, remembering that she did indeed owe Kenny a favor. Kenny wasn't someone you wanted to double-cross. Though it seemed like years ago that she had even promised to do something for him, she relented.
"Fine," She spat. Kenny released her. "But if he pulls this shit again, he's dead."
"I'll help you dig his grave." Kenny said, watching her stalk away. "And you!" He released his grip on Craig, and Craig stumbled back into the lockers. "Go to the nurse's office. You're a mess."
"I have to find Tweek!" Kenny could see that Craig was really distressed, and hopefully guilty.
Kenny held Craig's neck still so that he wouldn't do anymore damage to himself, and began to march him to the nurse's office. "Let go…" Craig said, groaning.
"No. You're going to go to the nurse's office and not talk to Tweek until tomorrow-if he comes to school, that's your favor to me. Kenny managed to get Craig to the nurse's office without much more of a fight.
Cartman watched his video of the second half of Tweek and Craig's makeout session with glee. It was going to be okay to be gay in South Park again.
He was sitting outside on one of the benches by the cafeteria. He didn't really want to eat lunch with the guys today, knowing a certain redhead would most likely be there. It had been hard enough keeping his eyes from wondering over to Kyle during the classes they shared.
Besides now that Craig and Tweek were a thing again, Cartman felt a lot better about the whole thing. They could probably come out as a couple now…except… Did he want that? I mean obviously he did, but if he asked Kyle out when he was sober and Kyle said no that would be sooo lame. Cartman was a sexy beefcake, but he couldn't help the idiocy of others. And that sneaky little Jew was always trying to undermine him. Cartman wouldn't be surprised if Kyle had gone along with him the othernight, only to crush his heart in front of everyone and embarrass him.
So Eric had some thinking to do. He hit play on his video again. At least if he got rejected, he could claim Kyle was a homophobic tease. And the town would be on his side in this, because when Craig and Tweek were dating, gayness just made you cooler.
"What is that?" Eric flipped around to find Kyle staring down at Eric's phone screen, horrified.
Fuuuuck. The Jew had sniffed him out. Eric wasn't ready for this yet. He made to hide the phone in his backpack, but Kyle snatched it from his hand.
"You recorded them? You heard Tweek, he really doesn't want this getting out."
"Well Tweek doesn't know what he's talking about. Once this goes viral, everyone will be kissing his ass and giving him money again. That sounds pretty sweet to me."
"Viral? What do you gain by embarrassing Tweek like this?"
Cartman sighed, Kyle wasn't getting it. "Kyle you do realize you kissed me on Friday, right?"
Kyle turned almost as red as his hair. "W-what the hell does that have to with anything?" At least he wasn't denying it.
"The town only likes gay people if Craig and Tweek are together."
"That makes no fucking sense."
"Nothing in this town makes sense, Kyle." Cartman shook his head. Maybe Kyle just didn't want to date him, and that's why he didn't want the video getting out. So he'd have an excuse to reject him.
"No, what I mean is…. The town is fine with gay people regardless of whether Craig and Tweek are gay.
"Oh yeah? Remember how Mr. Garrison was fired when the school found out he was gay?"
"That was so long ago! We're way past the first few seasons." Kyle seemed to be trying to delete the video but Eric had locked his iphone when he first tried to put it in his backpack.
"Dammit Cartman, I swear I'm going to throw this against the blacktop if you don't tell me your passcode."
"That's a total invasion of privacy KEwl!" Eric had one too many candid shots of Kyle in his gallery. Kyle made like he was really going to throw the phone. "Fine go ahead. I can just get my mom to buy me a new one. And then I'll have the video again, cause I've already backed my data up to the server!"
"…Dammit." Kyle handed Cartman back his phone. "Come on Cartman you know you can't share that video."
"You just don't get it Kyle. I'm doing this for the both of us. We both kissed a dude the other night. And if that gets out, without this video backing us up, the whole town will think that we are totally and irredeemably lame."
Cartman wasn't budging. Kyle knew he was going to regret the words that were about to come out of his mouth, but Tweek was too unstable to deal with this, and Kyle was nothing if not a good friend. "What do if I have to do?"
"What?" Eric blinked in surprise.
"What do I have to do to get you to delete that video?" Kyle had taken hits for the team before. He would survive…probably. Oh fuck what had he done.
Eric was silent for a long time. Filling Kyle with more and more dread.
"….. Well we could talk out the details at my house..." Oh shit. Kyle should have seen this coming. But oddly he wasn't feeling as much despair as he thought he might be. In fact, he was sort of anxious to see where this was heading. He had wanted to talk to Eric about the other night. And maybe Cartman just wanted him to forget what happened. Or maybe they'd end up kissing again. Kyle wasn't pleased that he was sort of wishing the latter were true.
Plus, if it were too much Kyle would just back out. World peace wasn't at stake here this time like it was when Cartman made him be his fart slave. He cared about Tweek, but Tweek would probably survive this getting out.
"Fine." Kyle said, to Cartman's obvious surprise. "I'll meet you at your house after basketball practice."
Butters was in a good mood when he walked through his front door. He felt that he and Kenny had gotten really close over the last few days, and he was enjoying the time they were spending together as best friends.
That good mood was instantly squashed when he saw his parents waiting for him in the hallway.
"Butters, tell me why I'm amped right now?" Stephen Stotch asked him.
Well he certainly didn't seem calm to him. "W-what?"
Stephen held up an old bottle of Butters' Adderall. They still had some from back when all the kids were getting diagnosed as having ADHD.
"I told you to alphabetize the pills in the medicine cabinet Butters!"
"I-I did!" Oh hamburgers, not this again. Butters had double checked to make sure everything was in the correct order.
"With Z-starting first, so that we could distinguish it from the kitchen."
"I-I did do that!" Butters cried. He had been very careful to start at Z and end at A.
"But you didn't do it in Japanese style."
"W-what?" Butters was completely at a loss.
"We told you to organize the cabinet like the Japanese do Butters! From Right to Left! We're trying to have a more cultured household!"
"But that's just the same as the kitche-"
"No arguing mister!" Stephen roared. "I reached in to get some Viagra, so that your mother and I could could make love, and what do I find instead of an erection? A restless need to vacuum. Do you want your mother to go insane again? Do you want me to only be able to get it up for strangers in a male bathhouse?!"
"Then go upstairs and think about what you've done mister! Because you are grounded!"
Butters walked upstairs, tears in his eyes. When he reached his room he quietly shut his door, let out a sob, and ran to his bed. He buried his head in his pillow, and let the tears flow. He was old enough to live on his own, he knew. But no matter how hard he tried he was always being grounded, and therefore couldn't devote himself to a job to save up enough to move out.
Why couldn't his parents just read the darn labels?! Why was he the only one in town who got punished over every little thing. Even Kenny was able to stand up to his parents. Butters didn't know how long he would be grounded for, but he doubted he'd be able to go out with Kenny any time soon. Butters usually tried to think positively, but at times like these, hope just seemed so far away.
And in the midst of unfairness and despair, only one thing could thrive in this imperfect world. Chaos.
I'm baaaaaack! Okay okay. I am very sorry for taking so long to update. This last year went by unbelievably fast for me. Maybe because 2016 sucked so much? I don't know.
So the scene that inspired me to write this story, was that of Craig shoving Tweek against a locker and making out with him. That's it. I got all this from that, lol. I was actually inspired by a Butters x Kenny fic, that I can't remember the name of. In it Kenny is thinking of hooking up with Craig because he misses Butters, but then he sees that Craig and Tweek making out against a locker, (I really liked the scene) and realizes that they are back together in their on again off again relationship. Kenny ends up going after Butters, whose parents have been trying to keep them separated, anyway. If you know what story I'm talking about, please PM me, so I can let everyone know in the next chapter (I'm pretty sure it's rated M if that helps).
I'm really excited about the next chapter, and so hopefully it won't take over a year for it to come out. Look if it doesn't come out in the next month, you can spam me with complaints. You guys really do encourage me to keep going. Especially positive feedback. Everytime you guys commented I would want to work on this chapter. I guess it just took so long because I kept losing my motivation. But it's back for now!
Sorry that this end note is so long. Thank you very much for reading and putting up with my terrible grammar.
Happy New Year!