The Fear of Paperwork

Loki had only ever wanted to be Thor's equal. He didn't want the throne of Asgard- and he certainly didn't want the paperwork that came with it. If Thor wanted to be King and do paperwork, that was his problem. Loki would be much happier being Thor's advisor. He was quite frankly surprised ANYONE would want a job with that much paperwork. So no, Loki never wanted to be King.

When Odin started talking about abdicating in favor of Thor, though, Loki nearly panicked- until he hit on an idea that would convince Thor instead of Odin.

So one night when Thor came back from partying with his friends, Loki asked, "Thor, do you really want to be King?"

"Of course I do, Brother," Thor said. "Why do you ask?"

"Because I have seen how much paperwork Odin has to do; do you really want to be stuck with that?" Loki asked. "I asked Mother; she says Odin spends at least five to seven hours a day doing paperwork that pertains to the realms. You would have to do the same when you become King. And I happen to know that you cannot sit still for more than half an hour, much less five to seven hours."

Thor was looking horrified. "If I become King, I will have to do paperwork?" he asked.

"It is a large part of the job, yes," Loki said. "You have to read over every paper, sign off until your hand feels like it is going to fall off…. Quite honestly, I don't know why ANYONE would want to be King. I certainly don't. And you will be unable to delegate most of it to another person, as your specific signature is required on over half the paperwork I have seen Odin do. Have you seen his office recently?"

"No…." Thor said, now looking nervous.

"There are at least three four-foot tall stacks of paperwork in there," Loki said. "Being King is not fun and games, Thor; it's paperwork and dealing with idiots. Remember that ambassador who keeps flirting with Mother? You would have to be polite and civil to him, instead of helping me put poisonous snakes in his bed."

"Loki, how can I get out of this!?" Thor wailed. "I do not want to do paperwork for the rest of my life!"

"You could inform Father that you do not feel you are ready to become King- or you could tell him flat-out that you know he is attempting to dump his paperwork on you, and you have figured out his plan."

"But you were the one who figured out his evil scheme," Thor said.

"I will let you take the credit this time," Loki said. "Besides, since when does he listen to me?"

"You have a point," Thor said. "I will tell him I know of his evil scheme at once!"

"Wait until after dinner; he is currently in a meeting with that rather idiotic ambassador from Alfheim," Loki said. "Shall we ask Mother if he has made any moves on her this time?"

"I will do so, you go collect something to put in his bed just in case," Thor said, and went off to find Frigga. Loki went out to the lake outside the palace, and collected some toads, then put the lot of them in a box and went back inside.

Asking a passing servant about Thor's whereabouts, he was directed to Frigga's rooms, and found Thor coming out. "Brother, that ambassador actually tried to GROPE Mother!" Thor said grimly.

"Come with me," Loki said. Thor followed him off, and after they were far enough away, Loki said, "I have ten toads ready and waiting to be unleashed. Shall I give them fangs?"

"That sounds perfect," Thor said. "I will be the look-out."

"Thank you," Loki said, and cast a spell on the toads, giving them fangs, before making himself and Thor invisible. The two of them snuck off to the ambassador's room, and let the toads out on his bed.

Thor and Loki promptly got the hell out of there afterwards, and hightailed it to Thor's room, then started laughing. "Brother, that was wonderful," Thor said happily.

"I love avenging Mother's honor," Loki snickered. "Next time we should capture some lizards."

"Or perhaps a baby dragon?" Thor suggested.

"Bad idea; the mother would try to crush the palace, and you and I would probably be sent to the dungeons like that time we accidentally let a bilgesnipe loose," Loki said. "Lizards are far safer- and some are poisonous."

"Are the toads poisonous?" Thor asked.

"Not this time, but those fangs will definitely hurt when they chomp the ambassador," Loki said.

"What's his name again?" Thor asked.

"I never bothered to learn it, but his nickname is 'The Perverted Menace'," Loki said.

Thor laughed. When he stopped, he said, "We should probably get ready for dinner."

"Indeed, and I need to wash my hands," Loki said.

"Why?" Thor asked.

"I was catching toads, why do you think?" Loki asked, already heading for the bathroom.

Dinner was, as was common when there was an ambassador visiting, loud and boisterous. Afterwards, Thor suggested that Loki should come with him to talk with Odin, to which Loki agreed.

As it turned out, they got summoned anyways. When they entered Odin's office, he sighed and asked, "Boys, why did you two put fanged toads in Ambassador Tryve's bed? And I KNOW it was you, so I would appreciate the truth."

"He tried to grope Mother, and we were avenging her honor?" Thor offered.

"Besides, as Mother is Queen, she is technically not supposed to give that pervert a good kick between the legs, so we had to find an alternate means of avenging," Loki said.

Odin rubbed his temples and asked, "Thor, is this behavior befitting of a King?"

"No…. but I have discovered your real reason behind making me King!" Thor said. "You are plotting to dump all this paperwork on me while you are free to do as you wish!" He motioned to the reams of paperwork, and said, "I do not want to be King if it involves seven hours of paperwork each day. Your evil plot has failed, Father."

Odin looked at them oddly and then asked, "Loki, WHAT have you been telling your brother?"

"What Mother told me when I asked why you spend all your free time in here instead of with her," Loki said. "Mother claims you do five to seven hours of paperwork a day, and I thought it fair to warn Thor before he becomes King. Besides, you and I both know he'd burn important documents in annoyance, Father. Thor hates reading."

"I believe I will need to have your mother reeducate Thor before I make him King," Odin said wearily.

"Can you not simply make Loki King?" Thor asked.

"What makes you think I WANT to be King?" Loki demanded.

"No, I cannot make Loki King, as he is not my Heir, and I already performed the ritual to make you my Heir, Thor," Odin said. "Please go inform your mother that I would like to speak with her- and quit harassing Ambassador Tryve! I will deal with him."

"You have to admit it was amusing, though," Loki said.

"No I do not," Odin said. "Go find your mother."

Loki and Thor left to find Frigga, cackling together.

And that's how Thor didn't become King after all.

I couldn't resist. I hope you enjoyed, and please review.