I wake with a start, bracing myself for the bite of the brown leather belt on my behind.
I rub my face as I continue to pant when I realize it was just a dream. Or was it a nightmare? I can't believe I actually agreed to do that, but at least now I know I can't be want he needs and he can't be what I want. I knew I should of told him I only agree to do the sexual stuff and not the punishing, controlling stuff, although, I guess he wouldn't of agreed to that so I would of been stuck in my life, one cat shy of becoming the crazy cat lady.
I ease myself up gently to sit, careful of my sore behind, and climb out of bed to get a drink of water.
As I drink my water, I lean against the kitchen counter and think about BDSM.
The sex is hot, really hot. He may not of wanted to eliminate punishments but perhaps there are some who would. I know I'm too 'innocent' to go to an actual BDSM club to ask questions so I decided to search online.
I walk to Kate's room and grab her laptop, taking it back to my room so I can look up more about BDSM.
I lay on my stomach so I wont have to sit on my behind, since it's still hurting, and power up the laptop.
I search BDSM chat-rooms so I can ask my questions without actually talking to a Dominant or a Submissive, too afraid they would either intimidate me or convince me into doing something I didn't want to do.
I click on a link that leads me to a fetish chat room. It's not what I'm looking for so I close the window and open another. This one seems more tame and sophisticated, if BDSM can be labeled as such, so I think I'll use this one.
I have to enter a pen-name and log in to chat. After I take some time thinking of a pen-name, I chose BlushingRose, because I blush a lot and my middle name is Rose. I wouldn't want to use my real name for this.
When I'm logged in, I read the forum that is going on and it all seems pretty tame with nothing too inexplicable happening. I have the option to private message the users but I don't want to click someone at random so I write a message for the board and hope someone will respond.
BlushingRose: New to BDSM. Curious. I have some questions, can anyone help?
I get a few responses.
DarkMaster: I'd be more than happy to help train you.
Slave4U: I'm new as well, but I can help as best as I can. What would you like to know?
Mistress50: There is a FAQ at the top with Q & A. Most questions can be answered there.
I'm about to respond to Slave4U when a chime alerts me that I have a private message so I click on the icon and a small private box pops up with a message.
FiftyShades: I'm available to assist you.
I message this person back.
BlushingRose: Does BDSM have to involve pain/punishment?
FiftyShades: It's a part of the lifestyle. Goes with the territory. The intensity will be discussed and decided on before you begin a scene and Submissives are given safewords to use. As you get more comfortable with everything you can increase intensity to allow you to test your limits and tolerance for pain, however, it's mainly about pleasure. Pain can be very pleasurable.
I roll my eyes as I type.
Pain can be very pleasurable my ass, literally. My behind is still in pain and there's nothing pleasurable about it.
BlushingRose: So I can choose no punishments as like, my hard limit?
FiftyShades: You can chose to add punishments as your hard limit, yes. You can choose anything as a hard limit, though not many Doms/Subs choose punishment in general as a hard limit. It's usually more specific, for example, no caning. I'm assuming you're a Submissive since you don't want punishments. May I ask if you are?
BlushingRose: I guess I would qualify as a Submissive. I'm not really in the lifestyle but I guess if I were, I'd be a Submissive.
I definitely couldn't be a dominant that's for sure.
FiftyShades: Have you done a scene before or are you looking to enter the lifestyle?
BlushingRose: I've done some BDSM as a Submissive, though I'm not very submissive, and my experience was very limited.
FiftyShades: Have you been punished?
BlushingRose: Yes. I didn't like it.
FiftyShades: You're not meant to like it, it's a punishment. Did you safe word?
FiftyShades: So it wasn't that bad? Most pain is in your head.
BlushingRose: Actually, I forgot to safe word.
FiftyShades: You forgot? Did you say anything to let him/her know to stop?
BlushingRose: No. I didn't say anything until he finished.
FiftyShades: How is your Dom going to trust you to notify him/her when you've reached your limit?
BlushingRose: Well, I've left him so that wont be an issue.
BlushingRose: For beating me. I can't do that again so I left.
FiftyShades: If you can't handle pain, how did you become involved with BDSM, if I may ask?
BlushingRose: He pursued me and convinced me to try it.
FiftyShades: I see.
BlushingRose: Thanks for your help, I'm not sure if BDSM is for me.
I shut the laptop and push it aside as I get out of bed and go to the bathroom.
In the bathroom, I lower my pajama bottoms and look at my red, sore behind in the mirror.
Would he of stopped if I used a safe word? Would I have stayed even after he stopped now that I know what he likes? Are there Dominants that would only give me kinky sex or would I have to find a ... vanilla boyfriend and convince him to be kinky and dominating in the bedroom?
I guess I did ask for it, and not in the 'I asked for it' type of way that I didn't actually do anything, I literally asked for it, telling him to show me the worst. I wanted to see if I could handle the pain side of BDSM since the sex side was so good.
I grab some cream and rub it on my behind to sooth the pain then go back to my room.
I'm tired and when I look at the clock I see it's well after midnight. I need to get some sleep because I need to get a car tomorrow. I was too sore to look for one today and since I started working today I just used Kate's car. I can use Kate's car while she's gone, but I'll need transportation to and from work when Kate returns home and I'd prefer not to ride the bus.
Thinking of this reminds me of the check he gave me for Wanda.
Before I climb into bed, I grab my bag and pull out the envelope that has the check he gave me inside.
I shake my head at the ridiculous amount and put it back in the envelope.
I'm not sure if that's accurate, but I need a new car since he sold mine, saying it was an unsafe deathtrap, so I'll have to use it.
I climb back into my bed and go to sleep.
After work I went to a used car lot but haven't found a car yet. I'm going to need help, because the used car salesmen see young, unknowledgeable female and pounce like a cat would a mouse. I did deposit the check into my bank account this morning and finished my second day at SIP. My boss is a little creepy, bossy, and grouchy. He's so demanding, such a tyrant, and stands much too close but I notice he does that with everyone.
I'm home now, eating my dinner with the television on in, though I'm not watching or listening I just have it on for background noise because it's too quiet here without Kate. She's still in Barbados with her parents and Ethan for another few days.
The door buzzer startles me. We've just moved to Seattle so I'm not sure who it could be.
I set my food down and walk to our entry system.
"Delivery for Ms. Steele." A bored voice comes through the intercom.
"I didn't order anything."
"I have a package here for you, ma'am."
I huff. "I'll be right there."
I'm not allowing anyone access to the building when I know I didn't order anything. I can only assume Kate would order something, but they said the delivery was for me and Kate has been gone for awhile.
I put on a sweater, wrapping it around my body and slip on some flip-flops, then go down to the front door of the apartment building.
When I open the main door there is a delivery boy, noisily chewing bubble gum, holding a long gold cardboard box that has a red bow attached to it.
"Sign here, please." He thrusts a clipboard in front of me, so I sign my name on the line and accept the huge box which is surprisingly light and close the door.
Once I'm back inside my apartment, I sit on the sofa, crossing my legs under myself and open the package. The moment I open the box I know who sender is when I see the 2 dozen long-stemmed, white roses and a card. I pick up the card, turning it around to read the finely cursive writing.
Congratulations on your first day at work.
I hope it went well.
I stare at the card confused, wondering why he sent this to me. He said if I left, there was no going back. And my first day was yesterday.
I stand to throw the roses in the trash, but as I hold them, hovering above the wastebasket, I can't bring myself to throw the beautiful roses away. So instead I hunt for a vase, add water and arrange them, sitting the bouquet on the small breakfast bar in the kitchen.
After I clean up and shower, I change into my pajamas and get into bed. My foot hits something hard so I move the blankets and see Kate's laptop. I forgot I left it on my bed after I used it last night.
I grab the laptop and open it, squinting from the bright light it makes in my dark room. When my eyes finally adjust I see it's still on the BDSM site that I was on last night. Thank goodness Kate isn't home to have seen this, what was I thinking? Well, in my defense was tired last night.
I'm about to close the windows and go to sleep when I see FiftyShades has sent me a message from last night after I sent my final message.
FiftyShades: If you have anymore questions, I'd be happy to answer them for you if you're interested in exploring the lifestyle.
BlushingRose: Thank you for your help last night.
I'm about to close the windows so I can go to sleep but the private message chime goes off.
FiftyShades: You're welcome. Do you have anymore questions?
BlushingRose: No. I don't think it's for me.
FiftyShades: Is it because of the punishments? Or is there more?
BlushingRose: The punishments and the controlling my life.
FiftyShades: So you enjoyed the rough, kinky sex?
"Oh my gosh." I whisper and blush as I read his or her message.
FiftyShades: No need to be shy.
BlushingRose: Yes, I enjoyed that.
FiftyShades: May I ask what you've done?
BlushingRose: That's a little too personal.
FiftyShades: Okay. How have you been punished?
BlushingRose: He hit me with a belt.
FiftyShades: Is that the only time he's struck you?
BlushingRose: Well, no.
FiftyShades: So the other times were tolerable.
I think about the flogger and squirm when I remember him using it on me then the incredible orgasm I received after, but then I remember when he spanked me when I rolled my eyes. I didn't like it, it hurt and I didn't like the way it made me feel. I'd rather not do that again, but I will admit I became aroused and he proved to me how wet I was when he put his fingers inside of me then fucked me from behind.
Was that punishment tolerable?
BlushingRose: I guess so, yes.
FiftyShades: The belt, was that your first punishment?
BlushingRose: No. Why are you asking?
FiftyShades: I'm just trying to help. You said you were intrigued with the lifestyle.
BlushingRose: I also said the lifestyle isn't for me.
FiftyShades: How do you know that?
BlushingRose: Because I don't want to be beat before I have sex.
FiftyShades: Which is why I asked what you have done. You said you're curious and experienced scenes before the belting. Did you enjoy yourself?
FiftyShades: So it may have to do with your pain tolerance level and your ex-Dom pushing you over your limit. Perhaps, if you learn what your limits are, regarding pain, you will enjoy the lifestyle.
BlushingRose: How am I to do that?
FiftyShades: Where are you located?
BlushingRose: Are you serious?
BlushingRose: No offense, but I'm not comfortable telling someone over the internet, in a BDSM chat room no less, where I'm located.
FiftyShades: Fair point well made.
BlushingRose: Besides, you don't even know me. You don't know if I'm male or female, anything about me. I could be a serial killer. You really shouldn't try to meet people this way, you could get hurt.
FiftyShades: I've never met anyone online before, I have Subs hand-picked for me and my specific tastes, but another point well made. What I meant by that was, there could be BDSM clubs near you that you can visit and try a scene with your new found limits to see if the lifestyle is for you.
BlushingRose: Oh. Sorry. I thought... well, you know. *shrugs shoulders apologetically*
FiftyShades: Understandable. If you were mine, I would reward you for being so cautious with your safety.
Fifty would reward me?
I feel my insides clenching deliciously with pleasure at the thought of being rewarded. I choose to ignore the suggestive message as I reply.
BlushingRose: I wouldn't feel comfortable going to a club and surely any Dominant wouldn't want a Submissive with a low tolerance for pain. Besides, I would feel used if I did that. I'm not a one-night stand type of girl.
I lost my virginity not too long ago, but I don't mention that.
FiftyShades: Is there any chance you can reconcile with your previous Dom? Perhaps he will go easier on you now that he knows your tolerance for pain is low, and you will safeword when you need to, to let him know when you've reached your limit.
BlushingRose: I don't think so. He said if I left there was no going back to him.
I look towards the kitchen, even though there is a wall blocking my view.
BlushingRose: Although, he did send me roses today to congratulate me on my new job.
He takes a bit longer to respond than usual.
FiftyShades: Congratulations on your new job.
FiftyShades: What is it that you do?
BlushingRose: I'm in publishing. You?
I yawn and look at my alarm clock.
BlushingRose: Speaking of work, we've been talking for hours. It's late and I should be sleeping.
FiftyShades: I've enjoyed chatting with you, Rose. I don't sleep well so if you find yourself up, message me and we can talk.
BlushingRose: Surprisingly, I've enjoyed chatting with you, Fifty.
FiftyShades: Should I be offended?
BlushingRose: No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that.
FiftyShades: Sleep well, Rose.
I can tell I'm speaking with a Dominant when he dismisses me.
I look outside and see the rain falling, it comforts me when I sleep.
BlushingRose: You too, Fifty. It's raining here, I like to sleep when it storms so hopefully I will sleep well.
FiftyShades: It's raining where I am as well.
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