Disclaimer: I don't own Flatland, although I am borrowing it from Edwin Abbott. Speaking of borrowing, could someone loan me something to get this jar open? Please?

You Can't Open the Mayonnaise: A. Square

The Mayonnaise jar thundered on through space and time. It had fallen through what, depending which way you held it up to the light, was either magic or a hole in space-time. And now it was about to hit the bottom of the third dimension.

* * *

A. Square shuffled through the prison gates, and looked around at the outside world for the first time in months.

After the death of Great Circle Semaphore II, a new leader had come forward. He was young, and decided to revise the law books for the first time in half a century; resulting in the release of a good deal of the city's prisoners going free. A. Square was among them. The world suddenly looked bright and cheery. It was a shame his brother hadn't shared the same luck.

* * *

A few hours later, after being welcomed home by family and friends, A. decided to make himself a sandwich. What better way to celebrate freedom than escape the prison food? He opened the pantry, took out the components, and set to work on a turkeygon sandwich. He took the bread, put the meat against it, and reached for the mayonnaise. He took it and tried to get the top off. And then pried to get the top off. And then cried to get the top off.

"What's the matter?"

He dropped the mayonnaise as a point and then the agonizing expansion to circle he recognized as the arrival of the Sphere smashed through the counterside near the refrigerator.

"I liked my Formica!"

"Sorry. I'm glad to see you're out of prison, though. Also, did you know that you are right next to a three-dimensional object?"

"I am?" Albert looked at the mayonnaise. "This? I can't get it open."

"That's because it's a screw cap. They only work in three or more dimensions. Let me see."

The Sphere examined the jar. It had hit Flatland flat, so it would appear just like theirs. It was glass, and on it was written, in raised letters, ACME, as opposed to having a paper wrapper. There was quite a bit of soot around the cap, and running through the 'C' was a slash that had not actually broken through. The Sphere pondered the possibilities. Then it sank through Flatland.

"What are you doing?" asked A. as the circle the Sphere appeared as shrank and vanished.

"I'm going underneath you. I'll explain what that means later, GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN!"

He ran into the living room as he heard the swish of Sphere rush through the kitchen. Then there was a pause, and the Sphere was back. It sounded embarrassed.

"Oops. I think I hit it too hard."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, there is a certain resistance when anything passes through Flatland. So I planned to use that to hold the jar in place when I rammed it. It was supposed to break."


"I hit it too hard, and it is now headed up into the third dimension far too fast to catch."

There was silence, then:

"You mean, after eight months in prison, I STILL can't get my sandwich?"

"Erm, yeah."

And Albert ran screaming out the door.

* * * The Mayonnaise has not yet BEGUN to fight. R&R.