Hello all. Okay I know I shouldn't, but this has been going round in my head for ages and has stopped me from trying to write my other stories so I had to write it down. I promise I will try to get some of my others finished over these holidays, cos even I think that having eight stories on the go at once is a little too much.
Anyway I hope you like this latest idea of mine, it's based on the Louden Swain Song 'Honey Bee'.
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural, nor any louden Swain lyrics.
'You woke up,
Even with the nightlight on,
You're seeing shadows in the break of dawn,
You called out,
Deep inside a dream of my own,
It was a nightmare,
I was all alone.'
Honey Bee - Louden Swain
The beeping of the machines was the only sound heard in the clinical white room, not that Dean was paying any attention, unless they changed their steady sound, then he would be screaming for someone to come. That had happened three times now, and every time he was pushed aside, made to stand by the door as he watched with mounting horror as the doctors shocked his husband's heart to start it once more. It was at those times he prayed.
He had never been one for god, but Cas was. Cas went to church every week, helped out at the homeless shelter and was generally as selfless as an angel. He was the selfish bastard who just wanted to spend all his time with the man he loved. And yet somehow it was Cas who had got the brain tumour. The one that most doctors said they couldn't operate on. Hell they had told them that they had only a year left together before Cas died, and he had accepted. Cas had said 'oh well it is god will, we will make the most of our time together', and that was it. But not Dean, no he was not having that. He was not going to let Cas go peacefully into the night. He had decided to fight with everything he had. As such he had searched and searched until he found a surgeon who was willing to operate. Oh they told them both of the risks, but Dean couldn't see Cas' god letting him die if he tried to fight. He didn't believe Cas could die, but now he wasn't so sure. Maybe in his quest to make sure they had longer together he had rid them both of their last few months in each other's arms. Oh god he hoped not.
Cas had laid in this same bed for the last seven days, not a twitch or movement to show he was still in there. For all Dean knew his soul was already in heaven and he would never see him again. But he couldn't think like that. No he would not believe that god would take his Cas from the world. He would wake and they would be fine. He knew the doctors had removed all the tumour, so that wasn't an issue anymore, but when he asked why Cas wasn't waking all they would say was that the body sometimes needed time to heal and he would wake when he was ready. Dean just wished he was ready now, I mean Cas was never one for sleeping late, so surely he should be awake. But no, instead it was Dean who had spent the last week living off of little to no sleep refusing to move from Cas' bedside and only being pulled away when Cas' brother Gabriel was there and he could go and have a shower and grab some food, but he was never gone for long. He hated the idea that Cas would wake without him. They hadn't spent a night apart in the whole five years of their relationship. He didn't want Cas to think that he started now.
And so he sat there and waited for the time when Cas would wake, open those beautiful blue eyes and smile at him with his sweet lopsided grin, tell him he was adorable for worrying but that he should have known he would never leave him in that deep gravelly voice of his.
And so Dean waited for any sign that his life wasn't over.
Day eight into Castiel Winchester-Novak's comma and the doctors were starting to get concerned. Dean didn't understand why they couldn't have been concerned on day one, he had lived through eight eternities already, but at least they were doing things now. They sent Cas for a head scan, when it returned they frowned over it and mumbled something about certain parts of Cas' brain not functioning as they should, but when Dean asked for clarification all they could say was that they would see when he woke, and Dean could see in their eyes that by that they meant if instead of when. And so he went back to waiting, though he was starting to find it hard to keep his belief that Cas would come back to him alive, it seemed to be turning into a hope, a wish, a dream instead of unshakeable knowledge.
By day twelve Dean was ready to climb the walls. The doctors would say that at least Cas was stable now, the machines rhythm hadn't changed in days. Not that that helped Dean much, his husband may be stable but he was still unconscious. He had started to talk to him, whispering all and any words that came into his head, bargaining out loud with whoever was listening to bring Cas back to him. Promising Cas the world and more if he returned. Begging god to save the man he loved. Anything to get him back to him.
But it wasn't until day fifteen that Dean's prayers were answered, in a way he had never considered they might be. It was enough to break him into a thousand little pieces.
Dean was sitting beside the bed running his hand through Cas' hair messing it up just like it used to be when they first met 5 years ago. Suddenly he caught movement out of the corner of his eye and he quickly moved to bring the finger he had seen twitch into his line of vision. He didn't call for the doctors, this wasn't the first time he had thought Cas was waking up only to discover it was his mind playing tricks omen him. So he stood there and waited to see if it happened again, and when he saw that it did a smile broke out on his face and he turned quickly so he could place himself in position to look into his husbands deep blue eyes as soon as he woke. Standing there he saw Cas' eyes move behind the eyelids, and then flutter as if they were trying to open. And finally, after what seemed like an age to Dean, they blinked and he saw the blue eyes he had fallen in love with so long ago looking up at him with confusion.
"It's alright Cas, I'm here. Everything's gonna be alright now." Dean whispered in a gentle tone as he smiled with such joy in his eyes at the man looking up at him. He guessed if he had just woken up from a two week sleep he would be slightly confused too.
"Where am I?" Castiel asked forcing the words through his dry throat as he looked up at the green eyed man who had the nicest of smiles.
"The hospital, don't you remember, angel?" Dean asked smiling even more at finally hearing Cas' voice once more. Even crackly and dry it was still his deep gravelly tone.
"Excuse me?" Castiel asked very confused about why this man was calling him angel. Just because he was named after one did not mean that this stranger had a right to address him as such. It was highly inappropriate, and if this man worked for the hospital, then Castiel would make sure he mentioned it to them.
"What?" Dean asked confusion and worry entering his facial expressions now as he looked a Cas' wary face. What was going on here, where was the smiling, nerdy love of his life?
"Who are you?" Castiel asked hoping that that would clarify this weird and confusing situation. He had no idea what was going on or why he was here, but maybe this man would have some answers, once he knew who he was of course. For all Castiel knew he could be some sort of psycho, New York was filled with them his mother had told him, and he remembered he had just recently moved to New York, so maybe this was one of them?
"I'm Dean, you husband." Dean replied his heart breaking at having to say those words. He didn't want to believe that Cas couldn't remember him. It couldn't be possible that he had forgotten them.
"No, no. I'm not married. No way. I can't… please leave me alone." Castiel stated clearly trying to sit up and when he found that he didn't have the strength to do that he tried to push the man away, but it seemed that didn't work either, instead the crazy guy leaned in closer trying to touch his face and his hair as he spoke causing Castiel to cringe away from any sort of physical contact with this man.
"No Cas. It's me, its Dean. Your love, please…" Dean begged hoping that if he could just touch Cas then it would all come back to him, but all he seemed to do was scare Cas, make him pull away from him. No he couldn't… Dean couldn't survive this after every that had happened, no god no.
"I asked you to go. I don't know you. HELP, HELP, SOMEONE HELP ME." Castiel ended up shouting when the man wouldn't stop trying to touch him. He just wanted him to leave him alone and he was trapped and he couldn't get away from him and he didn't like it. He was afraid and alone and he had the most horrible thoughts of what this Dean could do to him right now running through his head, all said in his mother's loving, if slightly controlling tone. He should have listened to her and stayed at home, not followed his brother to the city. She was right, he wasn't ready for this horror.
"What's going on? Mr Winchester-Novak, you're awake." Came a female voice that made Castiel sigh in relief as the woman pulled the crazy man away from him. Though it was strange that he was called Winchester-Novak, he hoped he was no relation. It was then he realised that she wasn't talking to man who had been touching him, but to him. He wasn't Winchester-Novak. He was just Novak, Castiel Novak.
"No its Novak, just Novak. Get him away from me, I don't know him." Castiel said to her to make sure she knew that whatever she had thought was the truth was a lie. This man had obviously tried his delusion of marriage on the staff while he was unconscious and they had believed him. Where was his brother? He could understand his mother not being here, New York was far from home, but where was Gabriel? They lived together, surely he knew he was in hospital.
"You don't remember Dean?" The nurse asked in a controlled tone, though Dean could see the widening of her eyes at this news. This wasn't good that he was sure of.
"No. please, where's my brother, did he put you up to this? I want to see Gabriel, now." Castiel stated starting to get upset now. Why were they all pretending he should know this man? What was going on? Why was he here? He just wanted to see someone he knew, someone he recognized, he wanted his family.
"Of course Mr Novak, we will call him right away. Just one question, what year is it?" Asked the doctor who had walked through the door at some point, Castiel wasn't sure when.
"2009." He said clearly as if that was the most stupid question he had ever heard. And in the back ground, by the door, he heard the voice of that Dean man whisper.
"Oh god, no."
But he didn't understand what his problem was, unless he was worried about how his evil trick had been discovered, pretending to be his husband, what was the point?
With the realisation that Cas thought it was the year before they had even met Dean found himself being unceremoniously pushed out of the room. He found himself standing with his back against the wall finding it hard to pull in breaths as slid down so he was sitting on the floor. Cas didn't know who he was. They had said that he might have some memory loss, but for him to completely forget him? It was too much for Dean. All the hours of worry and lack of sleep suddenly overwhelmed him and Dean pulled his knees up to his chest and lowered his head as he let the tears stream down his cheeks. Cos while Cas may well be alive, he had still lost him. Lost what they had. Lost the kind, sweet, slightly clueless and naïve man he had fallen in love with. The man who had helped him come out to his family. The man he had planned on spending his life with. He was gone forever, and Dean had no idea how to deal with that.