*This story will be formatted as if it were a real documentary. All talking head segments will be in bold, and will mainly consist of one person (or two persons, which may be indicated by a line break).
*All current brawlers and previous brawlers (namely Pichu, Young Link, Wolf, Snake, Ice Climbers, and the Pokemon Trainer—as well as his Pokemon—will be featured. Any character that has a Mii costume in their likeness (save for Fox, Link, Samus, Captain Falcon, and anything Monster Hunter related) will also be featured, as well as any extraneous characters such as Doc Louis and King Dedede's minions.
Episode 1: Newcomers
The weather was dark and dreary. The snow rained down hard on the Smash Mansion as the ferocious winter winds blew hard against the surrounding trees.
And that's just the way Cloud Strife likes it.
The blonde, spiky-haired soldier looked up at the mansion, sword in hand, gazing at the very mystique of the establishment. Many brawlers reside in the very building, and now it was time for him to make it his abode. Cloud was told that he won't be the only newcomer to reside here - there were two more on their way here.
One of the newcomers is Corrrin, the prince of Nohr. Most of the brawlers are against inviting him, for some odd reason.
Bayonetta is the other newcomer—she's a witch who hunts after angels. Pit better be weary of her, if he knows what's good for him.
Cloud: So, yeah...I'm here at the Smash Mansion, about to meet some brawlers, and make some new friends - the latter of which may or may not happen, depending on how well I get along with everyone - but I guess I'll starting call this place home...
Cloud went to the front door of the Smash Mansion and knocked on the door several times. Mario answered the door.
"Ah, you-a finally arrived!" the plumber exclaimed. "It's-a me, Mario!" He held out his hand.
"Cloud Strife," Cloud shook Mario's hand. "It's a great pleasure to finally meet you."
"Likewise, my friend, likewise! Come on in, I'll show you around..."
Cloud entered the Smash Mansion, and was taken to the living room - a room adorned with Christmas decorations and spacious enough for the all the brawlers. A bright chandelier hung upon the ceiling, and the exquisiteness of it immediately caught Cloud's eye. Or eyes, rather, since he was looking at said chandelier with both eyes...whichever one you prefer.
"Nice digs," Cloud complimented the mansion's interior.
"I'm-a glad you-a like it!" smiled Mario. "You won't-a believe the tremendous amount of work I had-a do to make this place tidy!"
Mario: Took me-a ten hours to clean this entire place up. Mr. Game & Watch sure-a came in handy...
"I would-a like to introduce you to my love-a interest, Peach," Mario took Cloud over to Peach, who was sitting on a couch in the living room, sipping her tea.
"Hello there!" the princess of the Mushroom Kingdom greeted Cloud. "Care for a cup of tea?" She handed the soldier a cup of tea.
"Thank you," Cloud accepted the cup of tea and sipped it. Sure, it may be a little too cold, but Cloud didn't seem to care anyway. Since when did he ever care?
"I take it-a you're the new guy?" Luigi approached Cloud. He was sweating more than a marathon runner basking in the sun.
"Why yes I am. You must be Mario's little brother, Luigi."
Luigi: I just don't-a know why, but I get-a extremely nervous when I meet-a new people, especially if they have a pointy sword. That's-a probably why I wetted myself when I-a first met Lucina...that incident is-a why I have multiple pairs of overalls to this very day...
"Let me-a show you-a around, there's-a lot of great stuff happening here!" Mario guided Cloud to another part of the mansion.
Mario and Cloud entered the kitchen, where they found Palutena cooking dinner. The dinner, you might ask? Chicken, rice, some casserole, dressing, and - wait for it - Brussels sprouts. Yuck.
"Again-a with the Brussels sprouts?" Mario pouted. "We're-a not little kids!"
"I made it, so you eat it!" Palutena retorted. The goddess suddenly took notice of Cloud. "Oh, you must be Cloud Strife! I hope you have a good appetite!" Palutena pinched Cloud's cheek; to say the blonde didn't enjoy that would be a colossal understatement.
"Sure whatever," replied Cloud, sounding apathetic and indifferent. What is up with this dude...
"Yo, Cloud Strife, what up dude!" Fox approached Cloud.
"Yeah man, welcome to the big house!" said Falco, who was accompanying Fox.
"What do you two want?" grumbled Cloud.
"We're here to introduce ourselves!"
Fox: We would do a formal introduction and all, but that has become way too commonplace.
Falco: Which is why we're gonna introduce ourselves in an entirely different way!
So instead of a formal introduction, Fox decided to rap, with Falco in the background beat-boxing. Let's see how Fox's rap goes...
My name's Fox McCloud,
And this is Falco Lombardi!
When it comes to making an impact,
We're always never tardy!
Beating up brawlers,
Stomping their faces in the ground,
We're the best fighters,
Pound for pound!
We take no prisoners,
No need for mercy,
We've been topping tier lists,
No time for controversy!
If you wanna learn how to be great,
Just look up to us,
We smash through our competition
Like a speeding school bus!
"Booo!" Knuckles the Echidna booed the Star Fox pilots from a coffee table. He was playing cards with Pac-Man, Wario, and Ike.
"Knuckles, aren't you a bit too young to be playing cards?" questioned Palutena.
"What are you trying to say?"
"You're only sixteen..."
"...Age ain't nothing but a number! Has Aaliyah not taught y'all anything?!"
"Nobody here listens to that R&B garbage," said Wario.
"Better take that back bub!"
Knuckles: Why is it that me and Doc Louis are the only dudes in this mansion that listen to Aaliyah? Is it because we're black? Do I really have to make a race issue out of this thing? Is that what it's come to now?!
"Excuse me, ma'am, but what time is dinner?" Cloud asked Palutena.
"I'm sorry?" Palutena's eye began to twitch. Mario, Fox, and Falco backed away as much as possible, while the dudes at the coffee table got on the offensive.
"It's just that, I'm really hungry now, and I just want to know when..."
"Did you just call me, 'ma'am'?" Palutena stopped cooking in a heartbeat.
"Uh, do I need to repeat myself?"
Mario, Fox, and Falco immediately made a run for it and bolted out of the kitchen at the speed of light.
"Don't you dare call me that again!" Palutena became enraged as she wielded her staff.
"Nice staff," Cloud smirked. "What are you going to do, hurt me with it or something?"
Cloud sat in his new room, with Isabelle nursing the black eye Palutena gave him. This room he had to share with Lloyd Irving, a fellow swordsman whom Cloud finds as an unworthy roommate. He would have preferred to reside with Link, the famed hero of Hyrule, but his roommate was Princess Zelda.
"If you need anything, just let me know," Isabelle said to Cloud before leaving the room.
"Enjoying your time here?" Lloyd asked, trying to spark a conversation with the solemn Cloud.
"Eh, I suppose," replied Cloud.
"So how did you get that black eye from Palutena? Did she give you a sucker punch, just like Little Mac does?"
Cloud just gave Lloyd an dumbfounded and inquisitive look. Palutena fighting with her fists is just as rare as any instance of snow in Florida. Cloud tried to give Lloyd a pass here.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Who could it be?
"Special delivery for Cloud Strife!" It was Toad, as his squeaky voice was heard through the door. Cloud got up and opened the door, and saw Toad holding a basket of striped apples.
"For me?" Cloud accepted the basket, and saw that there was a note on it. It was from Tifa Lockhart.
"Just came in the mail not so long ago," explained Toad.
"Are those apples?" asked Lloyd, getting all giddy for no reason. "Can I have some?"
"Shut up," Cloud retorted.
"Wow, Cloud, that wasn't nice!" scolded Toad.
"Whatever," Cloud placed the basket of apples on his dresser and exited the room. Lloyd was becoming a little too much for him...
Cloud: My time here hasn't gone as well as I hoped. Sure, I finally got to meet guys like Mario and Fox, but I got a black eye from that Palutena lady, and Lloyd has become a nuisance. Hopefully not everyone here is a pain in the butt...
Cloud was walking through the halls of the Smash Mansion when he accidentally bumped into Doc Louis, Little Mac's trainer. Little did the blonde know that he was about to get himself in a world of hurt. Unwritten Rule #7: NEVER provoke a black man. (Unless you know how to fight back.)
"What's the matter son?!" Doc Louis turned around and confronted Cloud. "You want some beef?!"
"Sure man, I'm feeling kinda hungry right now," Cloud responded. Poor Cloud doesn't seem to understand the street meaning of the word 'beef'. Apparently his ignorance is about to get him in a disastrous situation...
"Oh you're gonna get it now!" Doc put up his dukes. "Let's go!"
Before Doc could land the first punch on Cloud, Chrom came out of nowhere and restrained the boxing trainer.
"Hold me back, Chrom, hold me back!" yelled Doc.
"It's not worth it man, leave him alone!" said Chrom. "Sorry you had to witness that," he then apologized to Cloud as he dragged Doc away.
"Okay..." Cloud felt a little uneasy after that little episode. Can't say you blame him...
Mario, Pit, and Lucario were in the dining room of the mansion, playing with a jumbling tower. The goal of the game is to pull a block from a tower of blocks, without causing the tower to collapse. For some, this can be quite easy and simple - unless you're Pit. It was Pit's first turn, and he simply pulled a block, and the tower came crashing down on the table.
"Every time, man!" Pit frowned as he threw the block on the table in frustration and crossed his arms. "This game hates me!"
"Or maybe you just suck," said Lucario. The Aura Pokemon certainly shouldn't be the one to talk - he got the game, but he has yet to win.
Lucario: Pit can be such a sore loser at times...and a sore winner. When he wins, he's always bragging about his win and rubs it in people's faces. And when he loses, he throws a fit, and blames everyone for the loss. I'd rather much play against Dark Pit, and that's truly saying something.
"You-a win some, you-a lose some!" Mario tried to comfort Pit. Emphasis on "tried".
"Dudes come outside!" Jacky Bryant, the famed indy car racer, poked his head through the doorway. "I want you to check something out!"
Jacky took the three outside, and showed them his new car - a shiny red-and-back corvette.
Jacky: Just got this sweet ride from a nearby car dealership. The original price was $22,500, but I paid in rupees - 500 rupees, to be exact. The dealer didn't care much about the worth of the rupees, he was only attracted by how shiny they were. Sucks for me, since I have to repay Link...asking him for rupees was such a bad idea.
"Check out my new ride!" Jacky showed off his new vehicle, which came with a radio, several cup holders, and a built-in Wii U - not that Jacky would ever think about playing it while driving. If he does, he's insane. "So what do you think?"
"My Dolphin Dasher is much better than this sorry excuse of a vehicle," responded Mario.
"Does it come with an installed gaming system? Yep, I don't think so..."
"Oh man, that whip wet!" said Doc Louis, who appeared next to Mario.
"How is it wet...?" asked Pit.
"Man y'all know nothing about car terminology...Jacky here knows what I'm talking about! Right buddy?"
"Yeah sure..." Jacky scratched the back of his head. Not even he knew what Doc meant by a "wet" whip.
"Mario, I need to speak with you for a minute," Doc said to Mario. "It's about the new guy..."
Following his brief episode with Doc Louis, Cloud continued his stroll across the Smash Mansion. He came across a room, where Bowser was sitting on a couch with Shulk, trying to "culture" the wielder of Monado Arts. Today's lesson involved basketball; the Koopa King was showing Shulk a dated basketball game between the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Houston Rockets on a wide-screen television.
"So that bearded guy is James Harden," Bowser pointed at the TV. "He's the best defender in the NBA!"
"James Harden is the best defender in the NBA..." Shulk wrote this down on a notepad. "Got it!"
"The guy guarding him is LeBron James. He's the most underrated player in the game!"
"LeBron James is the most underrated player..." Shulk wrote this false bit of information down. "Why is he so underrated?"
"He's underrated due to the fact that he plays in a crapsack city like Cleveland. It's shunned by the media and the general public, making it hard for athletes and celebrities living there to garner any attention or notoriety."
"Didn't you say the other day that Cleveland was the greatest city to live in?"
"...You must have gotten Cleveland mixed up with Detroit."
Shulk: I feel greatly honored to learn so many new things from Bowser. He taught me so many ideas and folkways I had never heard of! Who knew it was acceptable to set up your Christmas tree as early as the 4th of July?
"Ah, Cloud Strife!" Bowser took notice of the swordsman, who stood by the doorway. "Care to join us?"
"I have more important things to do than listen to your dumb fibs," replied Cloud.
"King Bowser is not fibbing!" Shulk defended Bowser. Pity the fool... "He speaks the truth, and nothing but the truth!"
"You tell him Shulk!"
Cloud sighed and left. Before he could get any further, he was stopped by Toad.
"Mario would like to speak with you," he said to Cloud.
Cloud sat in Mario's room, as an angry Mario paced back and forth in his doctor attire. Is Cloud about to receive punishment? Also why is Mario dressed up as a doctor? He's not trying to be a behavioral psychologist, is he?
"It appears that-a you've been-a causing harm in this household," said Dr. Mario. Isabelle, Cloud's temporary assistant, sat on Dr. Mario's bed, listening attentively.
"Am not," attested Cloud. "I have done nothing wrong."
"So explain your little 'beef' with Doc Louis," said Isabelle.
"Pfft, that was nothing. Dude was just overreacting."
"I don't care-a if he was-a overreacting or not; I don't need-a you to go all Brock-a Lesnar up in here and threaten everyone!" Dr. Mario said sternly.
"Who was I threatening?"
"Let me-a speak!"
Cloud sighed and sat back in his chair. If he could ditch this place, he would in a heartbeat.
"Just-a remember that you can't-a take this opportunity for granted," Dr. Mario continued.
"You're fortunate to live here, unlike some other people," stated Isabelle.
"Like Shovel Knight?" asked Cloud. Shovel Knight was a very popular choice for Smash, but his dreams of being able to brawl among guys such as Mario and Link were completely dashed.
"Yes, like-a Shovel Knight. Sent-a him one too many invitations..."
"Dinner is ready!" Palutena announced as she poked her head through the door. "Also, Corrin and Bayonetta are on their way!"
"Alrighty then. We will-a be there shortly. Make-a sure they're available seats-a for the newcomers!"
Palutena nodded as she went away.
"I want-a you to be on your best-a conduct," Dr. Mario warned Cloud. "Ya hear?"
Dr. Mario: I really want-a Cloud to enjoy living here-a at the Smash Mansion to his fullest. I can't afford-a another nuisance. At least-a he won't be like Ryu - he literally KO'd every single-a person in the mansion! Snake had it worst-a though...at times-a he can't remember his own name! But Robin does-a the same thing all the time, so it's-a all good...
Cloud sat at the dinner table with all the other brawlers. He sat next to Captain Falcon, and Mega Man X.
"Sooo...you come here often?" Captain Falcon asked Cloud, trying to spark a conversation. He was talking with food in his mouth, which is quite unpleasant for anyone (unless you're Wario).
"This is my first time here..." Cloud pointed out.
"Oh I see...well are you available tonight?"
"Available?! I'm a dude!"
Captain Falcon looked at Cloud with utter shock.
"Such ignorance," Cloud sighed.
"Now you know how I feel..." murmured Marth, who was eavesdropping on the conversation.
Captain Falcon: Why didn't anyone tell me that Cloud was a boy name?!
"Ignore that guy, he's always trying to flirt with the ladies," X told Cloud. "He thought that guy was a woman!" X then pointed at Dunban, who was talking to Shulk.
"IT WAS THE HAIR, I TELL YOU!" yelled Captain Falcon.
Cloud got up from his seat and went to go get seconds, if there was any. Wario and King Dedede probably gobbled up all the food. When Cloud got to the table were all the food was present, he unexpectedly bumped into Link. Both were humbled to finally be in each other's presence.
"Uh, Cloud Strife," Cloud held out his hand. "Pleasure to meet you.
"Name's Link," the Hylian warrior shook Cloud's hand. "It's been a long time coming since we finally meet each other."
"Tell me about it..."
"Move aside, laddies!" King Dedede shoved Cloud and Link aside. "My stomach requires more grub!"
"King Dedede, didn't you already have seconds?" Palutena asked the king.
"...You must have gotten me confused with Wario. It's okay, I know we're both fatties and all, but still..."
"Back away from the table. NOW."
King Dedede did as he was told...before inching towards one of his Waddle Dees.
"Fix me another plate," he whispered to the Waddle Dee, who immediately followed the king's order.
"Attention everyone!" Ike called out, garnering the attention of everyone. "Today is a special day; in addition to Cloud Strife, we have two newcomers living here in the Smash Mansion!" Mario was supposed to announce this, but he had to take care of some business. He would have had Luigi do the honors, but he would be too nervous.
"Who are you again?" asked Snake, who is still suffering from the side effects of getting knocked out by Ryu. The fact that's he's also dealing with accelerated age didn't help either...
"I'm Ike, and I fight for my friends!"
"Yeah, your nonexistent friends," remarked Fox.
"And how are things going between you and Krystal?"
Fox shut his mouth real quick.
Fox: Contrary to popular belief, Krystal and I are still going strong! Sure we haven't texted each other in a while...but you don't have to constantly text your girl to prove your love to her! Look at Knuckles, he's in mad love with Rogue the Bat, but you don't see him texting her on a consistent basis! Then again, his giant hands prevent him from using a cellular device...
"Anyway, before I was rudely interrupted..." Ike continued. "I would like to introduce to you all, the prince of Nohr...Corrin!"
Corrin appeared before the brawlers, garnering a heavy amount of applause.
"Greetings, everyone," he greeted. "It is with great gratitude that I..."
"Gimme all your money!" Wario pointed at Corrin. The fatso had found out that Corrin hails from a royal family, which means he is quite wealthy.
"Chill out, Wario, it's the dude's first time here!" Sonic intervened. "Besides, don't you have enough money already!"
"No! I need more! More, I tell you!"
Wario: How did Donald Trump make it in the business world today? By accumulating as much money as possible, that's how! Money makes the world go around, baby!"
"Hopefully I will make new friends here, and build relationships with my fellow Fire Emblem allies," said Corrin. "That is all."
Corrin took an empty seat next to Mario's seat, as there was more applause.
"Our next newcomer is an Umbra Witch, whose main hobby involves hunting after angels!"
"Angels?!" Pit panicked. He quickly exchanged his laurel crown for Link's green hat; Link, who sat next to Pit, did not notice this swap at all.
"Everyone please welcome...Bayonetta!"
The Umbra Witch appeared as she walked seductively towards the dinner table. Most of the men were whistling at the very sight of Bayonetta; Link happened to be one of those men.
"Cut that out!" Zelda slapped Link silly.
"Ouch!" Link winced. He rubbed the place where Zelda slapped him. "Sorry Zelda..."
"Also, why are you wearing Pit's crown?"
"Wait, what?" Link looked up and saw the laurel crown on his head. About time he noticed...
"My fellow brawlers, it is with much delight that I join you all here at this very mansion," Bayonetta said. "As some of you might know, I specialize in hunting angels..."
"Looking for angels?!" Pit interrupted. "Here's one right here!" He grabbed Link and showed him to Bayonetta.
"Silly boy, angels don't have pointy ears..."
Pit: Of all the people, it just had to be Bayonetta...why couldn't they get Shovel Knight, all he does is dig stuff! He and the Duck Hunt dog would be perfect friends!
"Eating those refried beans for lunch today was a horrid idea..." Mario remarked as he returned from the bathroom. Poor bathroom...
"The newcomers have arrived!" Peach told the plumber.
"Already?" Mario saw Corrin and Bayonetta. But his eyes were fixated on Bayonetta - her heels resting on the dinner table - who gave the plumber a seductive smile. "Hubba hubba..."
"Ahem..." Peach cleared her throat.
"Oh, my bad," Mario regained his composure.
Corrin moved in with Robin, while Bayonetta moved in with Snake. The master of espionage was against having the Umbra Witch as a roommate.
"Snake and Bayonetta would make for a great couple!" said Yoshi, who watched Bayonetta in her room from afar along with Roy. "Don't ya think so Roy?"
"In your dreams buddy," replied Roy.
"Sure Snake might be growing old and all, but that shouldn't dismiss him from finding love!"
"Hold this L..." Roy walked away from Yoshi, not wanting to be involved with his foolishness.
"Anything can happen, you know!"
"Pervert," Cloud mumbled as he walked past Yoshi and headed towards the gaming room. Knuckles had asked of Cloud to do something for him - something that Cloud might regret doing later. Knuckles believed that if Cloud did this act, he would legitimize himself in the eyes of his fellow brawlers.
Once he arrived at the gaming room, Cloud saw K.K. Slider in the center on a pedestal, playing his guitar. Quite rare, considering K.K. usually performs on Saturdays. Jigglypuff was next to K.K. singing. Surprisingly no one has fallen asleep...yet.
"Could you...stop playing for a sec?" Cloud asked K.K. kindly. "Got something I have to do for everyone here..."
"Sure thing, dog," K.K. stopped playing his guitar, and Jigglypuff stopped singing. "You got the floor, now do your thing!"
Everyone in the room paid Cloud their undivided attention. Cloud gulped, and did the unthinkable...he dabbed! All the people in the gaming room (save for the ladies) went ballistic.
"HE HIT THE DAB!" Falco was going bonkers. "HE HIT THE DAB!"
"Don't know what's all the hubbub is about..." Lucina remarked, as she went back to reading her magazine. However, the noise level was too much for her to handle, so she left the room.
Knuckles: The best thing about the dab is whoever performs it. Black guy does the dab, nobody cares. White guy does the dab, suddenly it's the greatest thing since sliced bread!
"Groovy!" K.K. Slider saluted Cloud, commending him for performing such a simplistic dance maneuver.
"I suppose," Cloud replied as he sat on a nearby couch. He was unsure as to how a dance like the dab was meant to "legitimize" himself and make him look cool.
"Awesome dab!" Little Mac, whom Cloud sat next to, commended the blonde. "I wish I could pull off such a dance move, but I always punch myself in the face for some odd reason..."
"So do you follow professional sports? What's your favorite football team?"
"I'm not really into sports...there's no sports from where I come from."
"I'm a Cleveland Browns fan," said Luigi, who sat in the couch opposite of Little Mac and Cloud. "Don't know-a why I root for such a crappy team..."
"No need to worry, my green friend!" Shulk, who sat next to Luigi, patted him on the back. "The Browns should be blessed to play in Cleveland, the greatest city of all time! Or was it Detroit?"
Luigi: Boswer has told Shulk so many fibs, it's-a not even funny. Pretty soon the poor guy's gonna think it's-a commonplace to go out in the public naked...
"Bowser is really taking advantage of that guy..." Little Mac shook his head. "Anyway Cloud, have you considered following a certain sports team? Like a basketball team or something?"
"I don't think I have the time," replied Cloud. Either that, or he's too apathetic or indifferent to care at all.
"If you-a were to follow basketball, you should-a be a fan of my Los Angeles Clippers!" suggested Luigi. "But the Clippers never get-a past the second round, so you shouldn't bother..."
"Or you could be a fan of the Philadelphia 76ers!" Shulk suggested. "They're the hottest team in the NBA right now!"
Luigi and Little Mac laughed hysterically at Shulk's confound statement.
"Don't laugh at greatness, learn to appreciate it!" frowned Shulk. Bowser has really messed this dude up...
Little Mac: What sports teams am I a fan of, you might ask? Let's see...I'm a fan of the New England Patriots, Golden State Warriors, Kansas City Royals, Chicago Blackhawks, the Ohio State Buckeyes football team, and the Duke Blue Devils basketball team! Yup, I'm a pretty loyal guy...
"Hey son, you're sitting in my spot!" Doc Louis confronted Cloud. "Don't make me start another beef!"
"I'll go sit somewhere else," Cloud got up from his seat and sat one of the chairs in front of K.K. Slider.
"Ready to hear some killer tunes, you all?" K.K. asked the sparse crowd.
"Yeah let's do this!" exclaimed Donkey Kong, who was getting all pumped for no reason.
"Chill out man," Diddy Kong calmed his uncle down.
"That's no way to talk to your uncle!"
"Mellow out, my monkey dudes!" K.K. said to the Kongs. "My performance is about to start..."
K.K. began performing Rocking Around the Christmas Tree by Brenda Lee, a song Jigglypuff is unable to sing..though she still sang.
"Aw yeah, this song goes hard!" said Knuckles, who entered the gaming room. He saw Cloud, and sat next to him. "Did you do it?"
"Yes I did," replied Cloud. "Though all the guys in here were overreacting..."
"Eh, that was expected."
Cloud: Apparently Knuckles is trying to be my friend. He already has Sonic and Tails...why does he need another companion?
Mario, Wolf, and Meta Knight (why's he here?) were in the fitness center of the Smash Mansion, taking fitness lessons from yours truly, the Wii Fit Trainer.
"Stretch out those glutes!" the Wii Fit Trainer stretched out her leg on a mat, and her three students did the same.
"The pain!" Wolf bellowed.
"I can't-a take this no more!" Mario got out of stretching position and laid on his back. "My body can-a handle so much!"
"Weakling," scoffed Meta Knight.
"YOU DON'T-A HAVE ANY LIMBS, WHY ARE YOU HERE?!"
"...Because I want to? Didn't know limbs were a requirement..."
"Sayonara losers!" Mario got up and left. "I'm taking my talents to the Pokemon training center!"
Standing at the doorway of the fitness center was Peach. She was about to say something to Mario, but the plumber angrily breezed by without noticing his lover.
At the Pokemon training center, the Pokemon Trainer (we'll call him Red from now on) was in a Pokemon battle with Samus Aran - out of her power suit - who participated in this battle against her will. The Pokemon Trainer's Squirtle was going up against's Samus's Metapod. (Knowing Metapod, it is destined to lose in this match.) Mario, Dark Pit, Sonic, Akira Yuki, Kirby,, King K. Rool, Charizard, and Ivysaur served as spectators.
"Use bubblebeam!" Red commanded, and Squirtle unleashed the attack on Metapod.
"Metapod, Harden!" commanded Samus. Metapod did as it was told, negating the impact of the bubbles as it hit. Since Metapod has a very, very basic move set, Samus would have to resort to Harden for the entire match...
"OOOOH SNAP, IT USED HARDEN!" exclaimed Sonic, interrupting the match. "LET'S GOOOOOO!"
"Shut up, Sonic, Harden is one of the most basic moves in Pokemon history!" retorted Dark Pit. "It's pointless!"
"Someone's salty..." Akira crossed his arms.
"Why are you using Metapod in the first place?" Rool asked Samus. "Metapod is trash! Even more so than Magikarp!"
Red: King K. Rool is such an idiotic fool. Magikarp is no better than Metapod; they both overuse lousy moves that do absolutely nothing!
"Don't you mean Magikrap?" suggested Sonic.
"Yeah, Magikrap has a better ring to it!" agreed Dark Pit.
Kirby, during this whole ordeal, did a whole lot of smiling and happy sounds in an attempt to garner attention. Needless to say, it didn't work.
"Um, Red, I-a have a question..." Mario raised his hand. "Why haven't you-a evolved your Squirtle yet?"
"Evolving is dumb and pointless!" answered the Pokemon Trainer. "It is best to keep your Pokemon just the way they are!"
"I agree with Mario," said Akira. "Evolving your Pokemon will vastly improve their base stats!"
"Base stats is a myth promoted by moronic Pokemon scientists to entice gullible trainers everywhere to evolve their Pokemon!"
"Moronic Pokemon scientists like Professor Oak?" Rool raised in eyebrow.
"Oak's excluded, for he believes I'm the best Pokemon trainer in the world! Better that than cocky turd he calls his grandson Blue!"
"Debatable," chuckled Dark Pit.
"I'll prove it to you!" Red pulled out his PokeNav and called Professor Oak.
"How did you get that device when it's not even from your native homeland?" asked Samus.
"Shut your trap lady!"
Soon Professor Oak answered the call.
"Hello, who is this?" asked Oak.
"Hey, it's me," replied Red. "Who's the best Pokemon trainer in the world right now?"
"That would be my grandson, Blue."
Red was devastated, and he dropped the PokeNav on the floor. He knelt down and sobbed, his Pokemon comforting him.
Samus: The Pokemon Trainer found out that he's not as great as he makes himself out to be...Serves him right.
Red: *inconsolably sobs*
"I've had enough of this!" Mario got up and left the Pokemon training center...only to be greeted by Peach.
"We need to talk," she said sternly to Mario.
Mario met with Peach in the library of the mansion, as if the mansion actually needed a library in the first place. Also present in the library was Gilgamesh, better known as Gil, who was reading Christmas stories from a Christmas book to some of the young brawlers, like Lucas, Ness, Young Link, Toon Link, Villager, Bowser Jr., the Koopalings, Tails...and Heihachi Mishima?
"Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house..." Gil began. "Not a creature was stirring, not even a...Pikachu! Get it? Because Pikachu's a mouse Pokemon and...anyone got it?"
"Nah, it sucked," remarked Ness.
Gil: What's so wrong with incorporating Pokemon into my storytelling?! The Pokemon Trainer incorporates Pokemon into his conversations whenever he's trying to flirt with the ladies, so why can't I do the same with storytelling?! Huh?!
Lucas: Takamaru is a much better storyteller than Gil is. And he speaks in Engrish!
Ness: Though he is getting some English-speaking lessons from Ike, which kinda stinks if you think about it.
"Pikachū to mausu o kōkan suru osoroshī kangaedesu!" Heihachi offered his take. "Anata wa osoroshī sutōrīterādesu!"
"What Heihachi is trying to say is, you ruined the story by trying to incorporate Pikachu in it," explained Tails. "He also feels that...Heihachi, why are you even here in the first place?"
"Tabun watashi wa koko ni itainode! Anata wa mukashi natsukashī kurisumasu no hanashi ni mimiwokatamukeru ni wa amarini mo furui n janai ndesu. Subete no nenrei-sō no hitobito ga gimon-shi sa reru koto naku, kurisumasu no hanashi o kiite tanoshimubekidesu!"
"Not even going to try and translate that..."
Heihachi Mishima: Eigo nomi teitaku no fubunritsu-hō no hitotsu de hanashite imasu ka? Nani ga Nihon no subete no jikan ni hanasu to sō machigatte imasu ka?
"Over here!" Peach tried to gain the attention of Mario, who was enthralled by Gil's sub-par story-telling abilities.
"Yes?" Mario faced Peach. "What do you want me for?"
"Bayonetta...do you have the hots for her?"
Mario just gave Peach a weird look before bursting out in laughter.
"Where did-a you get that-a from?" he chuckled.
"Don't know, I'm just...suspicious, that's all."
"I don't-a have the hots-a for Bayonetta; she's-a way out of my league anyway!"
"Am I out of your league as well?"
"Absolutely not! You're-a my first, my last, my everything! You're-a my sugary covered fluff...point-a of the matter is, you'll-a always be my girlfriend, through and through!"
"Ever since Bayonetta arrived here, I was worried you might dump me for her. It was one of my biggest concerns."
"I would-a never do such a thing! Just-a because Bayonetta has more appeal doesn't mean-a I would want to fall in love with her!"
"What are you trying to say?"
"What I'm-a trying to say is, no matter how beautiful, ugly, fat, stupid, or apathetic you are, I will-a always love you, regardless of whatever obstacles (like-a Bowser) come between us!"
"Awwww..." Peach placed her hand on Mario's hand. "That's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me! I'll try and remember that from now on!"
Peach gave Mario a kiss on the cheek and left the library.
Mario: Peach gets-a all sorts of nervous whenever a female newcomer comes-a here. I remember this-a one time when Palutena came here, and Peach had-a Snake spy on her during her first-a weeks at the mansion. Poor Snake got a broken leg-a when he got caught, and we believed that his accelerating age-a would nurse the injury, but we were all-a wrong...We mainly believed in the accelerating age-a thing due to the fact we didn't have-a any insurance at the time.
Viridi came rushing in the library.
"Mario, we have an emergency!" she sounded very urgent. "It's Cloud!"
"Again?!" Mario groaned.
Viridi took Mario to the hallways. The two hid behind a giant flower pot, which took up too much space. Whoever thought it was a good idea to place a giant flower pot in the middle of the hallway in a mansion with large number of people living in it should probably be ashamed of themselves.
"See?" the goddess of nature pointed at Cloud and Knuckles. "Knuckles is trying to get Cloud to be like him!"
Mario squinted his eyes and saw that there was something in Cloud's and Knuckles's hands. The two were holding...to-go plates?! Who on earth carries to-go plates inside a mansion?!
"Viridi, just because-a Cloud has a to-go plate doesn't mean-a Knuckles is making him act-a like a black person," scolded Mario. "Stop-a stereotyping."
Viridi: Knuckles has been too buddy-buddy with Cloud lately. I should hire Snake to spy on the two. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. After all, we have insurance right now, meaning that Snake ending up with a broken leg would totally be worth it this time around...
"Halt!" Corrin appeared and stopped Cloud and Knuckles in their tracks. "You two have suspicious items in your hands!"
"To-go plates are suspicious items?" questioned Cloud.
"Only if you haven't returned from anywhere! Let's see what's inside!"
Corrin swiped Knuckles's and Cloud's to-go plates with his sword and the plates fell on the floor with the contents spilling out.
"Awabi sushi?" Corrin analyzed said contents. Awabi is a rare Japanese fish, and it is quite expensive...
"C'mon man, we had to pay Takamaru fifty freaking rupees for this sushi!" frowned Knuckles. "Getting those rupees was hard work too!"
"WHO KEEPS STEALING MY RUPEES?!" Link's voice echoed throughout the mansion.
"Wasn't me!" shouted Jacky. "...at least not this time!"
"I've had enough of this foolishness," Cloud walked away.
"Yo, Cloud, where you going man?" Knuckles chased after the swordsman.
"Mamma mia, this is not-a good..." Mario shook his head.
The Flying Man was busy doing the laundry when suddenly...
"Hide me, man!" Pit appeared and hid in the clothing hamper full of clothes. Good thing they weren't clean yet...
"What seems to be the problem, dear boy?" the Flying Man asked as he took Pit out of the hamper.
"Bayonetta's after me, she's hunting me down!"
Pit: Bayonetta is coming after me, but not Dark Pit for some reason. She must be attracted to me...Is she a cougar or something?!
"Do not fear lad, for I am...the Flying Man!" the mythical bird struck a pose. "I am your courage!"
"Can you be my bodyguard?" asked Pit.
"Indeed I shall! Normally I only regulate such behavior in Magicant, but I will make an exception here! Together we shall teach Bayonetta a lesson—a lesson that she will never, ever forget!"
Cloud sat by himself in the living room, not wanting to talk to anyone. Snake entered the living room and saw that Cloud was down on himself.
"Life is hard, ain't it?" grinned Snake.
"You can say that again..." murmured Cloud.
"Look kid, I feel your pain." Snake took a seat next to Cloud. The blonde wanted to move away, but that would be considered rude. "First time here for me didn't necessarily go so well; Pit was being childish, Fox was being arrogant, and Yoshi was being Yoshi. Just too much for me to handle! But I managed to maneuver through it all, and all those behaviors became norms for me, norms I have to deal with on a daily basis."
"How long did it take you?"
"Roughly a few weeks. Though in your case, it might take you a longer time to get adjusted, considering there's more people living here. Perhaps there's a way to welcome yourself more to the mansion's inhabitants and make the process more easy..."
"Nice try, old man, but I'm not interested."
"It doesn't have anything to do with 'dancing'."
Cloud became interested.
A more confident Pit went to go confront Bayonetta, with the Flying Man backing him up.
Pit: Bayonetta is going to meet her match once the Flying Man and I take care of her!
Flying Man: We shall give the witch a beating she will never forget! For you, Pit, I am your courage!
Pit: Say that dumb phrase one more time...
Pit and the Flying Man found Bayonetta lying flirtatiously on a wide windowsill.
"About time you showed up," she said, as she fiddled around with her guns. "Any last words before I permanently dispose of you?"
"I am your courage!" the Flying Man blurted out.
"Not now!" Pit nudged the mythical bird.
"How cute, you have that flying bird as your bodyguard," smirked Bayonetta. "You're quite the desperate one..."
"Enough talk, let's do this!" Pit got out his bow and he fired arrows at Bayonetta. The Umbra Witch did a Matrix lean to avoid the arrows and they sailed through the window, breaking it into shards. Mr. Game & Watch, the housekeeper, is about to have a word with Pit...if he knew how to speak.
"Try again, angel boy," taunted Bayonetta.
"Now's my turn!" the Flying Man flew towards Bayonetta...
...only for the Umbra Witch to summon Madama Butterfly, who punched the Flying Man and sent him out of the window and to his death. A grave appeared somewhere up in Magicant. With Pit all by himself, there was only one thing he can do...
"Eeeieeeeeeeieeee!" he screamed like a little girl as he ran away. Bayonetta chased after him, hot on his heels.
Falco was in Rosalina's room, showing Rosalina, Luma, and Zelda a video of Cloud doing the dab earlier.
"You see that man?" Falco again was getting all hyped for no reason. "You see that man?!"
"I don't get it, all he did was sneeze..." Rosalina was confused, and so was Zelda.
"He did not sneeze, he DABBED!"
"What has become of dancing..." Zelda sighed.
"Have you three seen Cloud anywhere?" Knuckles poked his head through the door.
"I believe he's outside hanging up the Christmas decorations," replied Rosalina.
"And he didn't invite me...what a guy."
Cloud was present at the front of the Smash Mansion, helping Snake, Olimar, Alfe, the Ice Climbers, the Inklings, Ashley, Proto Man, all the Mega Man incarnations, and Pac-Man hang up Christmas decorations. Ganondorf and Robin showed up, lifting a ginormous Christmas tree with Geno guiding them. The Duck Hunt dog dug up the perfect spot for the tree and R.O.B grabbed it with all his might and placed it down in said spot.
"This tree could really use some snow," Popo inspected the Christmas tree and Nana sprayed some snow all over the tree.
"It also needs some Christmas lights," said Mega Man, and the other three incarnations—X, Zero, and .EXE—fired Christmas lights out of their Mega Busters to decorate the tree.
"A few ornaments are also missing," Ashley said as she hung ornaments all over the tree. She even hung Majora's Mask on the tree just for good measure.
"Guys, I think we're missing something..." Proto Man looked up at the top of the tree and saw one missing element.
"The star!" Pac-Man panicked. "There's no star! Why didn't you three get the star?!"
"Why get a star when we always have Luma?" questioned Geno. Pac-Man gave the Star Road warrior a blank stare.
"Luma's miniature size won't complement a tree of this size..."
Robin: Honestly, we would have gotten a star, but it was too expensive, especially considering how huge the tree is.
Ganondorf: It was way out of our budget! We didn't have any time to rob Link of his rupees either!
"Um, Pac-Man, I think we have a bigger situation..." said the female Inkling, sounding nervous.
"The lights won't come on!" exclaimed the male Inkling, who was trying to plug the lights in with nothing happening.
"You gotta be kidding me..." Pac-Man facepalmed.
"Is it time to alert the others?" Olimar asked Pac-Man.
"Right at the perfect time too..." Pac-Man was too distressed to listen to Olimar.
"I'll take that as a yes," said Alfe. The two captains headed inside the mansion, the Pikmin trailing along.
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!" bellowed Ryu, who made his way through the mansion in a Santa Claus outfit handing out Christmas cards. "Here's your card, good sir!" He gave a Christmas card to Mr. Game & Watch, who jumped up and down after he received it. Must really be in the holiday spirit...
Ryu: It is great to go around and spread Christmas cheer! Especially to my fellow brawlers!
"Got any idea why he's doing this?" Marth asked Greninja, who coolly leaned against a wall. Greninja simply shrugged, either because A) he doesn't know either, or B) he knows he doesn't speak human language, so he shrugged to offer his opinion without saying anything.
"The Christmas tree is here! The Christmas tree is here!" Olimar and Alfe announced as they ran though the halls of the mansion.
"Time already?" asked Takamaru, who was going about selling his sushi. "Let us go!"
Outside, Pac-Man was trying many different methods to turn the Christmas lights on.
First he had Pichu run on a conveyor belt to generate electricity. Didn't work.
Then he made Samus put on her Power Suit and tried to transfer the energy from her suit to the Christmas lights. Didn't work either.
"We're done for!" Pac-Man was on the verge of a mental breakdown.
"Hey, Cloud, I think I know of a great solution to turn the Christmas lights on," Snake whispered to Cloud. "Ever heard of the Pokemon by the name of Pikachu?"
"Who hasn't?" replied Cloud.
"There's a Pokemon sanctuary somewhere inside the mansion. Go retrieve that Pikachu and get back here as soon as you can!"
Cloud nodded and went inside the mansion. A few moments later, Olimar and Alfe returned with all the inhabitants.
"What are you two doing?!" Pac-Man scolded the two captains. "We're not even ready yet!"
"Well why didn't you say so?" retorted Olimar. Pac-Man's eyes began to twitch.
Megaman Zero: You know what Pac-Man needs for Christmas? A massaging chair, to ease all his troubles away. Dude gets stressed so easily...
"Out of my way, out of my way!" Pit exited out the mansion and through the crowd of brawlers, with Bayonetta chasing him. The Umbra Witch had the angel cornered near the Christmas tree.
"Your time is up, angel boy!" Bayonetta pointed her guns at Pit.
"Don't be afraid Pit, for I am your courage!"
Everyone looked up and saw a Flying Man flying towards the mansion with a giant star in hand. He threw the star at Bayonetta, who leaped out of way. The star was now heading straight towards for Peach, who could only look in fear.
"I'll-a save you Peach!" Mario came to save the day, leaping in front of Peach, and gave the star a Super Jump Punch. The star sailed upwards into the sky and it conveniently landed atop the Christmas tree. Zelda, noticing that the star was crooked, transformed into Sheik, and made her way up the tree to fix the star before returning back to the ground and reverting back to Zelda.
"You saved me..." Peach said to Mario.
"People do a lot of crazy and-a heroic things when they're in love," was all Mario could say. Peach gave Mario a big hug.
"Awwww..." the brawlers all awed in unison.
"Should have kissed him," said Fox.
"Save that for your girlfriend!" Dunban told him.
"SHUT UP MAN! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW MY GIRLFRIEND!"
Cloud ran out of the mansion with Pikachu in hand.
"Now, Pikachu, use Thunderbolt on the Christmas lights!" he commanded, using the little Pokemon knowledge he had.
"Pika...CHHHUUUUU!" Pikachu unleashed his signature attack on the Christmas lights, turning them on. The brawlers marveled at the very sight.
"The lights, the colors...they're so beautiful!" said Mewtwo.
"It's like a Christmas miracle!" exclaimed the Black Knight.
"You did it Cloud, you-a saved Christmas!" Mario said to Cloud. The blonde smiled, and looked over to Snake, who gave a thumbs up.
"Yo, Cloud, I wanna give you this." Knuckles approached Cloud, handing him a present. "I was gonna give it someone else, but I thought you might deserve it more..."
Cloud unwrapped the present and opened the box. A Chocobo flew out!
"A pet Chocobo?" Cloud was taken by surprise. "For me?"
"Not really that much of a pet. That Chocobo is also something that you've been desiring for around here...a friend."
Cloud was taken aback at what Knuckles just said.
"Sorry for getting you involved in those shenanigans earlier," apologized Knuckles.
"No man, it's all good," replied Cloud. "Can't fault you for trying to be my friend."
"This-a calls for a song!" said Mario. "Everyone, in a circle! Bayonetta, drop your guns this instant!"
"Whatever pleases you..." Bayonetta dropped her guns on the ground and she got into a circle with all the other brawlers. The Flying Man landed and joined in the circle as well.
The brawlers all circled around the Christmas tree as they all (or some, rather) sang O Christmas Tree. The bond displayed by the fighters was a strong sign that life at the Smash Mansion for the long run would be all well and good.
Happy Holidays, everyone!