Three Men And A Little Lady
"Harry," A hand was lightly slapping his face. "Harry, wake up."
Green eyes slowly fluttered open, the room swimming in Harry's fuzzy line of sight again. Sunlight was streaming in through the windows to his right and the house elves who had been there earlier had vanished.
"Nugh..." he mumbled, slowly becoming aware that he was leaning against someone, gradually piecing together that it was probably still Lucius, and something warm, wriggling and damp had been placed on his chest.
"Look, Harry," he heard Lucius speak softly in his ear. "Look."
Squinting down at his chest, the lenses of his glasses flecked with sweat, he blinked in astonishment. "It..." His throat constricted, tears filling his eyes, as he lifted a hand and touched the tiny creature. "Its a baby."
"Your powers of observation astound me, boy," Lucius chuckled, one of his hands slipping free from Harry's to rise, brushing the boy dark, sweat-slicked hair back from his forehead.
Struggling to sit up a little, with help from both Narcissa and Lucius, Harry carefully brought his hands up to cradle the tiny, squirming creature. He was shaking, he noticed, as he turned the baby in his arms.
"Here," Narcissa, as tearful as Harry, leaned forward and adjusted the baby in his arms, so it's head was snugly resting in the crook of his elbow. Tucking a blanket around it, she raised her eyes. "We...you have a little girl."
Harry barely even registered her words, staring down at the child.
He had never seen anything quite as incredible as this little one.
She was the most beautiful, perfect thing he had ever seen.
Touching the tiny being's rosy hand, tears broke from his eyes, as her perfect little fingers curled around one of his, squeezing with a strength that he never knew a baby could have.
Babies weren't meant to look like this one.
They were meant to have screwed up, shining red faces and be wrinkly and ugly, screaming and wailing. There weren't meant to have cherubic little faces and large, blinking green eyes just like his and the most adorable little nose Harry had ever seen.
"She's perfect," he whispered.
Narcissa slipped a bottle into his hand. "You might need to use this," she said. "With your rather...er...distinct lack in the mammary region."
"Tits," Lucius replied in his ear. "Or your lack thereof."
"But I wanted to breast feed like a normal woman!" Harry exclaimed, then paused, a puzzled expression crossing his face. "Wait a second...that didn't come out quite like I intended it to..."
"Clearly," Lucius chuckled, squeezing Harry's shoulder. "I'll let you off this time and say it's the fatigue talking. After all, you were in labour for eight hours, so I could hardly blame you for being tired."
His attention back on his...
OH MY GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWD!
"I have a bloody baby!"
"Again, such astute observation."
"I have a little girl!"
"Makes you wonder why he wasn't top of his class with wit and observation skills like this," Narcissa grinned mischievously.
Giving her a dirty look, Harry watched with fascination as the baby took the teat of the bottle in her perfect little mouth and started to suck vigourously, trickles of milk formula dribbling from the corners of her mouth. "What are we going to call her?"
"I believe you said something about Neville or Boris..."
"That was for a Guinea-pig," Harry corrected absently, taking in everything about the tiny being in his arms.
"Guinea pig?" Narcissa asked, looking a little puzzled.
Harry nodded. "We thought it was going to be a guinea-pig," he replied drowsily, his eyes fixed on the baby lying so neatly in his arms. She was so small. She barely even weighed as much as a Quaffle!
Her little face was rosy, but not too red, her tiny hands curled in fists beside her head, which was covered in a downy layer of silver-blonde hair, so pale that it was barely visible.
"You could always call her Narcissa after a female friend who happened to deliver her," Narcissa suggested with a wide smile.
"Ah, yes," Lucius replied. "But since that female friend is actually really a man, it rather detracts from the appeal of the name, knowing its a stage name for the best transvestite in the business, dear."
"Flattery all the way, eh, Luce?"
"Anything to stop you naming our daughter after you, Ciss."
"How about Lily?" Harry lifted his eyes to them.
"Lily?" Lucius seemed to measure the way the name sounded. "Lily Malfoy. Yes... I do rather like that..."
"Ahem? Why not Lily Potter?"
Lucius gave him a patient look. "Do you really want to world to think you got my wife knocked up to produce a baby with this colouring? At least this way, no one would question her origins."
"You gave her her name, the name she will grow into, though" Lucius added, seeing the disappointed look that flooded Harry's exhausted face. "I just gave her a high-quality designer-wizard label to work under."
There was a laugh from Narcissa. "Lily Malfoy, daughter of Lucius Malfoy, will be rich and everyone will know it as well. Rich, powerful, famous...no doubt good-looking judging by her daddies."
"Well, if I decided to raise her as a single parent," Harry sniffed. "She would be rich anyway. I'm not exactly a poor workhouse kid."
"I knew there was a reason I liked you, Potter," Lucius smirked at the indignant expression on Harry's face. "I assume, though, that you will be remaining with us to raise our daughter?"
"I suppose I could always force myself," he replied, with a heavy sigh. "Although... can I tell my friends? I mean, about why I had to leave school and about Lily?" He looked down at the baby. "I want them to know."
Lucius and Narcissa exchanged looks.
"Its up to you, Ciss."
Narcissa pursed her lips in thought. "I'll agree to it," she said after a great deal of thought. "As long as they meet me as Bob, instead of Narcissa, and as long as you manage to fix up a date with that nice red-haired bloke."
"Red-haired bloke?" Lucius started. "What do you mean red-haired bloke, Ciss?"
Narcissa smiled sweetly. "You love me, don't you, Lucius?"
"Like syphilis," he replied equally sweetly, although his smile was considerably less sweet. "Who is this red-haired bloke? And if you are even considering dating a Weasley, I WILL divorce you! I'll fake your signature if I have to."
"You don't like the Weasleys?"
Lucius scowled at them both. "Ever since Arthur Weasley put chewing gum in my hair when we were at nursery together," he replied, glowering as Narcissa and Harry both started laughing. "It wasn't funny! They had to shave my head!"
"Of course it wasn't funny, Lucius, dear," Narcissa giggled. "I was there. It really wasn't funny at all..." Leaning closer to Harry, she whispered in a low voice. "It was bloody hilarious!"
Despite the sulky look on his face, Lucius couldn't hide the happy glint in his eyes as Harry and Narcissa laughed together, both of them cooing over the baby tucked between them.
It was possibly the oddest scene he could imagine, he mused.
Here he was, tucked comfortably behind Harry Potter on a four-poster-bed, the half-dressed teenager cradling their baby and his own cross-dressing wife, curled up beside Harry as if they had been a three-part family all the time.
And yet, he wouldn't change it for the world.
"You can't be serious!"
With Lily resting against his shoulder as he rubbed her back, Harry gave Hermione an exasperated look. "I didn't say it just to make Ron faint from shock, you know," he said, bringing Lily back down into his arms.
"You mean to say that you were pregnant? With a baby? It's impossible!"
Harry rolled his eyes ceilingwards. "Hermione, I'm holding the bloody baby now, aren't I?"
"Its impossible!" she repeated stubbornly. "A man can't get pregnant."
Hermione looked up at the smiling face of Bob, who was standing behind Harry's chair, his hands spread on the back. "I don't know who you are, sir, but I...I just can't believe it's possible."
"Believe it, sweets," Bob answered. "And you do know who I am."
"Go on, sweetie," Bob prompted Harry, grinning widely. "I love to see the look on their faces when someone tells them."
"Tells them...what, exactly?"
"Hermione, Ron," Harry waited until Ron - who had just fainted four times in rapid succession - got off the floor and was sitting beside the brown-haired witch again. "I'd like you to meet Bob, also known as Narcissa Malfoy, Draco's mother."
"G-noo..." Ron gulped, then fainted again.
"You...you mean you're a woman in drag?"
"No, cupcake," Bob replied cheerfully. "One hundred percent male arse here with a tendency to look good in dresses."
Hermione went a funny shade of grey-green and looked like she was about to join Ron on the floor in a very confused heap of gloop. "You mean you...you really had a baby, Harry?"
"And defeated Voldemort with her help."
"How?" Hermione's voice had shrunk to a tiny squeak.
"Let me tell her!" Lucius interrupted eagerly from the window-sill. Harry, grinning at the memory, nodded. "Voldemort told Harry that he looked fat and Harry bitch-slapped him to death!"
Hermione's eyes went round. "Oh...my...god..."
"I think that's everything, isn't it?"
Harry nodded. "We've covered Voldemort's defeat by bitch-slap, the fact that I've had a baby and they are going to be the God parents, how I had a baby, what we plan to do, convinced them that you aren't going to kill me..."
"I don't believe it..." Ron mumbled, picking himself off the floor again. "My first God-child...with Harry and Malfoy Senior as parents...I don't think my day could get any weirder than this..."
"OH!" Bob squealed. "Oh, Harry! Ask him! You have to ask him!"
"Ask me...what?" Ron inquired, nervously licking his lips at the hyperactive tone in Bob's voice.
"Ron, Bob fancies your brother. They met at the Wonky Wand, but Bob was too shy to ask for a date..." Ron was on the floor again, in a dead faint. "Maybe," Harry mused aloud. "He didn't know Bill was gay..."
"Or he didn't know I was a man," Bob added helpfully.
Harry grinned. "That too."
"Well, it went better than I expected," Harry admitted.
After Ron had been dragged out of unconsciousness for the tenth time and had been obliviated for his own sake, he and Hermione had departed, leaving the little family to settle down.
In the living room, Lucius was sitting, reading the Daily Prophet on the couch in front of the massive fireplace, with Harry semi-snuggled against his side, their baby asleep in Harry's arms.
Narcissa, meanwhile, was sitting on a pillow on the floor in front of the couch, playing solitaire and specifically ignoring any of the moves that her husband and Harry were suggesting.
"I never imagined your friend would be so shocked by the concept," Lucius said.
"Well, both of them. They did always appear so...receptive to magic."
Harry nodded, stroking Lily's hair. "I suppose they never had to deal with anything quite like this before, though."
Both of them looked down at the baby and smiled.
However, the nostalgia of the moment was shattered went the front door was flung open and they heard a very familiar voice shouting.
Lucius closed his eyes with a groan. "And we forgot to mention to them not to tell Draco about any of it, didn't we?"
Behind them, the door of the living room was opened and Draco stormed in, looking rather...mussed and shaken.
"Father!" he exclaimed, clearly unable to see Harry or his mother over the high back of the couch. "Weasley has been spreading the most disgusting lies about..." His words trailed off as he rounded the couch and saw Harry, lazing there, smirking, a small and very Malfoy baby curled against his chest, asleep. "F-father...? Mother?"
Narcissa placed her last card down, then looked up at her son.
"Draco, darling, we have something we need to tell you..."
And - in Australia - thousands of people were woken in the middle of the night by an anguished screech of "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
And back in Britain, they all lived happily ever after, except annoying-brat Draco, who having broken his father's heart, THEN finding out the truth was put in a mental asylum for several years and was constantly heard gibbering to himself about his mother for some absurd reason.
After his release, he rejoined his family and THEN, they all lived happily ever after, especially Lily, who had four very handsome and dashing fathers by the time she was five, as Bob and Bill settled down together.
Thus concludes the tale of Harry Potter and the Daughter of Malfoy.