This is for nemo, who needed a funny piece. Which I hope this is… seriously.
Bond 007 : Dr. NoWay
A long hallway of glass doors stretched out into the distance. Each had black lettering on the front, giving at least some diversity to what was an otherwise dull hallway. Somewhere in the first third are the casting offices of Rurouni Kenshin, the lettering a bit faded but rather legible. Not quite as creative as the Gundam Wing across the hall, which had sparkling lights and gold embossed title.
But they're not who we're interested in (or at least not for this fic).
The entire cast of the Rurouni Kenshin sits scattered around, having conversations in small groups or attacking the buffet in the back. Kenshin is reading through Variety, a red marker in his hand. Kaoru talks excitedly into her cell phone. Megumi and Misao have gotten into an argument over a fashion magazine. Sano is attacking the food. Yahiko and Yutaro are sparring in a corner. The Juppongatana are playing Risk, though Shishio is beating them all easily.
A shadow falls over the door and everyone stops what they were doing to watch. The shadow pauses for a moment and then turns to the Gundam Wing door, slipping something underneath it.
"Not again!" Misao cries unhappily as she sinks back into the seat. "They're always getting new jobs!"
Megumi flips some hair over their shoulder. "That's because they're a bunch of pretty boys."
"Jealous?" Kaoru smiles as she puts the phone away. Megumi just glares at her. "Ne, Kenshin did you find anything we can do yet?"
Kenshin doesn't say anything but continues to read the Variety. Kaoru raises an eyebrow and peeks over his shoulder to see if there are any red marks on the paper, signaling a possible new job.
Instead all she sees is a copy of this month's Laundry-Lover's magazine.
"KENSHIN NO BAKA!" she cries pulling it out and hitting him over the head with it.
"Not again!" Misao yells. "Your supposed to be looking for work for us!"
"Gomen nasai, Misao-dono. Sessha was just taking a break." The entire group looks at him skeptically.
"Look," Megumi says standing up. "Our series has been over for a while now. The only chance we have at a job is to attract some fan writers. So we need to have fresh ideas, try to think of things that are never done."
"How about a fic where you're not a bitch?" Misao smiles.
Megumi frowns. "That's about as possible as one where you actually know when to shut up."
"Maa maa," Kenshin says, breaking up the fight. "You know there have been lots of pieces where Megumi is a very nice person."
"Thank you Ken-san."
"Now, about an original idea," Kenshin continues.
"WAIT A MINUTE!" Misao says, realizing she has not yet received an apology.
"I have an idea," Shishio says standing up. "How about a fic where I actually win for once?"
The Kenshin-gumi laugh and continue their thinking. Shishio frowns and turns back to his game, surprised to find that half of his territories have been stolen from him when he turned away.
"I could try being sober," Hiko says, looking down at his sake jug.
"And I could quit smoking," Saitou responds, "but we both know how likely either of those things are."
"What about a Biblical play?" Magdaria pips up.
"Or maybe a musical?" Shura adds. "The Pirates of Penzance?"
The room soon breaks out into loud chatter as people being tossing ideas around. They hardly notice that a shadow has stopped in front of their door. Instead of turning towards the Gundam Wing boys, a manila envelope is slipped under the Kenshin cast's door.
It takes fifteen minutes before anyone notices and then it is a free-for-all to see who gets it first. Kenshin's speed helps him out but with his shisho there, he is clearly outmatched. Kaoru tries to snatch it from Hiko's hand but he straightens himself up and holds it out of her reach.
"Everyone calm down!" he bellows and the room falls silent. He turns it over and proceeds to open it.
"Make me a good guy, make me a good guy," Shishio is chanting in the background. Yumi looks at him. "What? I have a softer side."
She rolls her eyes. "Soft is the word."
Hiko's eyes scan the sheet and he nods a bit. "It's a spy fic," he says. The group gets a bit excited. "Based on the James Bond movie series."
"I'll go get my tuxedo ready," Kenshin smiles.
"Baka deshi. You're not cast for the lead in this one."
"What?" Kenshin says, trying to read the script.
"You're to play the part of 'O', master inventor and supplier of gadgets."
"'O'?" Kenshin asked. "I thought it was Q! Why O?" Hiko sighs and hits him over the head with the script. "Ororororo…"
"This is so exciting!" Kaoru says. "I've always loved James Bond movies. So what Bond girl do I get to play?"
Hiko snort. "Kamiya Kaoru, you are cast in the role of Moneypenny Kaoru, Bond's comely assistant, the one woman he isn't interested in."
"Fits to a tee," Megumi says. "Then I guess I'll have to play…"
"M," Hiko says. "The head of MI6 and Bond's boss."
Megumi pauses for a moment and then nods happily. "The brains of the operation, I like that role."
Kaoru snorts. "Yeah, who is played in the real world by Judi Dench."
Megumi pauses, remembering the graying and wrinkled English woman. "WHAT?"
"The rest of you are Bond girls," Hiko says waving the crowd.
"All of us?" Yumi asks.
"Well, yeah. And you'll have to have repeat roles. We'll need a lot of woman. Of course, my baka deshi could play one in addition to…"
"Shisho!" Kenshin cries indignantly.
"Even the flat-chested weasel?" Yumi asks.
"That's IT!" Misao cries. "I do not talk too much, I am not flat-chested and I don't want to hear anymore insults or I'll get Aoshi-sama to beat you all up! Right, Aoshi-sama?"
Aoshi sits impassively, not showing a bit of emotion as the scene plays out.
"Aoshi-sama?" Misao starts to whine as she walks over to him. "Aoshi-sama?" she asks again looking down into his eyes. Her face falls into an angry frown and she pushes Aoshi off the chair, where he clatters to the ground, still in seated position.
Megumi looks over Misao's shoulder with a knowing look. "Left to mediate and put the plastic double in his place again?"
"I swear I got all of them last time," Misao growls. "Where is he keeping them?!"
"Well, when your boyfriend gets back," Hiko says, "tell him he's a secret agent for the Americans. Saitou, you're playing a German double agent and I'll be playing a Colombian… drug… lord?"
Saitou lets out a puff of smoke. "In other words, I will be living in the land of alcohol and you will be living in the land of things you can smoke. Well, I have a wonderful feeling about this author."
"Shishio," Hiko continues, "you will be playing the main villain."
"I HAVE RANGE PEOPLE!" He cries before turning back to the board. All his territory is now lost. "STOP STEALING MY PIECES!!"
Seta smiles and shrugs innocently.
"The rest of the Juppongatana will play thugs as well as anyone who we can't find a place for."
"Wait a minute," Kaoru cries. "Who's going to play Bond?"
"Yeah, you've covered all the major hot guys," Megumi says.
Misao nods frantically "Right! Bond has to be sexy, sophisticated, able to swoon woman with just a look, good at gambling, hold his alcohol, have good aim with a gun. Who's left that could play him?"
A huge belch sounds through the room. The girls look towards the buffet table.
"That was a pretty good one," Tsunan says, trying to hold back his laughter.
"Wait, wait, let me try again," Sano smiles before letting loose another one. Several glasses on the table shatter and the two men erupt into laughter.
"Oh, you have got to be kidding me…" Kaoru says.
* * *
Ba ba… bum.
Ba ba… bum.
Ba ba ba ba ba.
A low circle arcs across the screen. It finally catches a well-dressed man walking across. It follows him, like a sniper scope about to catch its victim. But the man turns suddenly and sees it.
And a second later he runs up and smashes it with his fist. The screen fractures as the glass breaks and the screen goes black.
"GOD DAMNIT SANO! I SAID FIRE THE GUN AT THE CAMERA!! Stop punching them out!! Do you know how expensive these are?!?"
"Sorry!" Sano calls out.
"You know… I'm beginning to think this might not be my smartest idea. I don't know… what do you guys think?" the authoress says as she turns towards the readers.