Author's Note: I own nothing. Well, I own some things like socks, a drunken dog, and cheap laborers but nothing in these stories but that's not important right now. Things aren't going to punch themselves!
"So uh… any idea what could do that?"
"Maybe Atlas was testing a new weapon?"
"Maybe they missed?"
Detective Vorpal frowned. "Atlas never misses. You know that."
"Then what in Remnant make the Forever Fall less tree and more crater?" Detective Welder asked. "It makes no sense to me. No one ever recorded has a semblance this powerful, and even if they did, someone would have seen them."
Detective Vorpal scratched his chin and thought to himself as he surveyed the carnage left before him. "What if this isn't from Remnant?" he said, starring up at the the sky where it seemed as the clouds had a hole punched through them. "What if it came from somewhere else."
"You been watching too much many Vacuo science fiction Vorpal," Welder dismissed his partner. "Aliens aren't real."
Vorpal scowled at the giant opening in the sky, and the shattered remains of where the Forever Fall once used to be. Before either of them could continue theorizing about what, or even who could have done the damage, coughing was heard deep within the dust and smoke that covered the impact's origin point.
Vorpal and Welder drew their pistols as coughing was replaced by slow, dragging footsteps that kicked rock and scrapped against scattered leaves. A looming shadow began to take shape, blocked the rays of the sun from reaching Welder and Vorpal. Soon, the shadow began to emerge from the smoke as it encroached upon the two detectives.
Even shrouded in ash, the figure was obviously massive, with each arm the size of Welder's torso, and taller than five Ursa stacked on top of each other. As the limbs came out of the air the hid it so well, Vorpal could see the large metallic claws that emanated heat even from where he was standing. Then came its disgust head, attached to the longest neck that he had ever seen, with six mandibles and rows and rows of teeth within that had grey goo dripping out the side. Finally, they saw it torso. What was left of it at least.
Where the chest used to be, now was a large gaping hole that was blown clean through. The massive monstrosity gurgled its last gasps as it collapsed before both detectives, causing them to leap back. Cough out more grey goop, it began whimpering to itself on the ground, slowly fading away from the world around it.
Approaching the beast carefully, Vorpal leaned down to hear what the creature was saying. Welder stood behind him with his gun shaking in his hands and sweat coming down his brow.
"What?" started Welder quivering, "what is it saying?"
Vorpal's face was completely expressionless. He blinked to himself and slowly turned to his partner again.
"It said: 'one punch'." Vorpal gave another glance to the creature, now still and bereft of life. "One punch."
"Hey Vorpal," Welder asked.
"You think that things an alien? You think it all this to the Forever Fall?"
Vorpal shook his head. "Something else killed it. That's pretty clear."
"Oh hey, there he is," came a voice from right beside them.
Both detectives jumped back, drawing their guns at the man before them. He stood there, unremarkable as he ever was with his gleaming bald head, yellow spandex, red gloves, boots, and cape doing no favors to his stature. They starred at the utterly normal man before them as he looked at the corpse of the monster disapprovingly.
"I thought the Mars Beast was going to put up more of a fight," he sighed. "Oh well. Might as well get back home before the special sale ends."
"Wait, you can't go anywhere!" Vorpal ordered as he struggled to process what the man just said. "Are…are you the one who did this to that…thing?"
The Bald one nodded.
"You a hunter of some sort?" Welder questioned.
"What's a hunter?" the Caped Baldy inquired.
Vorpal frowned at him. "Please don't jest right now. We are trying to figure out what just happened."
Caped Baldy continued to stare at him blankly and repeated his question. "What's a hunter."
Vorpal and Welder exchanged worried glances. "Are you serious?" Welder asked. "I mean; he must be joking right?"
The Baldy frowned at them. "The special sale is ending today. So if you could just report this to the Hero Association, I would appreciate it."
"Wait!" Vorpal said, halting the turning baldy. "If you aren't a hunter, then…what are you."
"Oh. I'm Saitama," said Baldy without any hint of pride. "B-class hero for hobby."
Out of nowhere a metallic figure slammed into the ground right next to them. His chrome limbs and metallic eyes were colored with orange lines of energy that were visibly spread across his entire body, save for the ripped shirt, jeans, and boots that covered his augmentations.
"Master, I have scouted the area," the cyborg said without giving the two detectives a single glance, "it seems that we are no longer in Z-City. I think when you punched the portal that the Martians were coming from, it triggered an explosive chain reaction: we are now on an entirely different world."
Saitama gasped as he collapsed to his knees, unable to take the blow of the news. Terror flooded his veins as he pressed his gloved fist gently into the earth, causing a 4.5 magnitude earthquake in Vacuo.
"Genos…are you telling me that we are no longer in City-Z?"
"I'm going to miss the special sale!"
General James Ironwood was not having a good day. It began when he woke up being flung into his ceiling from a shockwave that destroyed the Forever Fall. Then, not two minutes afterward, he gets a call from the first responders babbling something about an alien invasion, but also a bald man, a cyborg, and something about a special sale.
When he finally opened his scroll and selected the news function, he got his first glance at the problems he would face later that day. With multiple media outlets in Vale theorizing that blaming the destruction of the Forever Fall on some Atlas military exercise gone wrong, Ironwood found himself sending out multiple calls to public relations to have them ward off the negative press until he could put together what was going on.
All that was six hours ago. Now he was starring at his problems and they were starring right back.
"Can we leave now?" Saitama asked. "I would really like to go find a toilet right now. Its urgent."
"No," Ironwood answered for the fifth time in five minutes. "You cannot be allowed to leave until I have properly understood your roles in all this."
Saitama leaned back on the chair to stretch out his back as Genos continued to glare at Ironwood without any change in his serious expression. "We were fighting Martians that were invading City-Z through a portal. I punched them. The portal was going to send more Martians so I punched it. And then I was here."
Ironwood immediately called bullshit on this. "You think this is a joke? The Forever Fall is completely obliterated, we find some kind of…massive beast dead along you two near the site, and the best you can give me is an insane story on punching things?"
It was at this point Genos decided to interject, placing some much needed communication in the conversation. "General Ironwood, we mean no disrespect, but despite how ridiculous this seems to you my master is indeed telling the truth."
Ironwoods eyes narowed. He hadn't told them his name. "How did you—"
"I scanned your 'scroll' device, and obtained basic knowledge from the device," Genos said simply. "You are General James Ironwood of the Atlas military. You are in Vale, at Beacon to participate in Vytal Festival Tournament. Unofficially, you are here to deal with a threat that might require an entire Atlas fleet. Am I correct?"
Ironwood shook off his surprise and reevaluated the situation. They must have had prior knowledge; his scroll was triple encrypted. Even the best hackers in Mistral couldn't pierce the foundations that secured his information. He didn't know what kind of game that these two before him were playing, but he was rapidly getting fed up with it.
"Alright. No more lies. No more games. Who are you two and wh—wait! Sit down where are you…" Ironwood couldn't quite finish his sentence as Saitama walked through the five-inch-thick, dust-enforced metal alloy wall with absurd ease. Ironwood's ability to speak, much like the structure of the wall, bent and peeled away at what he had just seen.
"I need to go pee," Saitama declared without look back. "Where is the nearest toilet?"
Genos stood up without acknowledging Ironwood further to assist his master in the urinary endeavor that was now their priority. Saitama proceeded to walk through every single wall in sight, reinforced or not. Guards rushed into the room mere moments after they heard the outer walls tearing, but they were too late, the two were long gone. Instead, they found their General motionless with a baffled look in his eyes.
After a few more moments spent contemplating the impossibility that just transpired, Ironwood decided that decisive action needed to be taken. "Ozpin," Ironwood said holding his scroll. "We might have a problem."
"Go team RWBY!" cheered Ruby, jubilant after her teams win over FNKI. RWBY's victory was expressed by their leader with every other word that came out of her mouth, since their departure from the stadium, all the way right outside the gates. Most would understand her youthful enthusiasm.
Weiss didn't. Weiss only knew if that she heard one more "yay" or "we rock" or even "Weiss rules" she was going to seal Ruby's mouth shut with her glyphs.
"Yes, yes I know we won. Everyone at school does too. The students, the trees, the janitors, even the statues are well aware of our wondrous exploits." Weiss grumbled. "Now can we please get hurry back to the dorm. I need to get changed out this…mess I'm wearing right now."
"Aw come on Weiss," Yang teased. "What's wrong with a bit of cheer after a win? Besides, you look great in charcoal black, it really brings out your anger when you clench your teeth."
"Oh ha ha. Don't forget that its because of me that you didn't get blindsided."
Yang barked out a laugh and threw her arm around the frowning heiress, Blake, and her sister, drawing them in close for a team hug. It would have been a really nice moment if the bald guy didn't burst through their dorm wall.
The wall of the dorm exploded outwards as Saitama strolled through the material like it was paper. Shaking in his boots, Saitama fought the growing need to pee, but knew that it was losing battle. He would need to find a toilet strong enough to withstand him before all was lost.
"Master, my scans show that the toilet within this dorm would have been insufficient." Genos said. "Your stream would have pierced through the porcelain like it was never there, and would have continued onwards through whatever would be in its way. There would have been casualties, and the right side of the build would likely be split in twain."
"Yes Genos I get it," Saitama responded annoyed at his misfortune. "Just keep looking. We have to find one." He turned to look at team RWBY still stuck between hugging each other and starring at him.
"Did that bald guy just walk through our dorm's wall?" Weiss asked.
Blake's frowned. "So it would seem."
Noticing the members of RWBY before Genos decided to cease his scans and instead acquire a guide for his master's plight. "Greetings, I am S-Class hero Genos. This is my master Saitama. We must to find a toilet strong enough for master, otherwise I fear your entire school's foundation is at stake. I would appreciate it if any of you could point us to a toilet that could withstand ocean floor pressures."
Yang starred on at the twosome "…What?"
"Maybe that's too much to ask for. Perhaps, something that can survive a missile at least."
By this point Saitama had grown desperate enough to wander through another dorm, peeling past the walls of JNPR to come face to shocked faces with little care left in his body. Genos quickly followed him inside to deliver the same plea to team JNPR before Saitama walked through another wall.
Jaune Arc slowly stumbled out of the hole left in his wall and look at an almost identical one in RWBY's dorm. "So…I think we might be having one of those weird days," he said. Ruby nodded as screams of startled students echoed down the hallway.
"YOU'RE A ROBOT?" Nora bellowed from inside the dorm. "HEY GUYS. WE NEED TO HELP THESE TWO!" Ren's sighs quickly followed.
"But Ren, I always wanted to help a robot accomplish their dreams! AND THEN WE COULD BECOME FRIENDS AND WE COULD HAVE ALL SORTS OF ROBOTY ADVENTURES! AND NOW I CAN!"
"I'm actually more of a cyborg…" Genos explained.
Wasting not one moment further, Nora bounded off after the increasingly agitated Saitama in hopes of gaining a new robot buddy. Genos continued his emotionlessness as he strode down after Nora and his master to accomplish a mighty goal.
"We should follow them," Jaune said. "We should follow them and make sure that we tell Headmaster Goodwitch that we did everything we could to save Beacon from them when we inevitably fail."
Pyrrha nodded hopelessly. "I'll go grab my shield."
"…we will be making a slight alteration to the plan," Cinder spoke with a slight smile.
"What does that mean?" asked Mercury.
The very existence of P.E.N.N.Y has shifted the playing field in further in Cinder's favor. Soon, she would be able to turn every bit of power that Ironwood possessed, every advantage that the kingdoms had, and use it against them. Victory was ever closer.
And no one going to stop her from taking it.
"It means that this will be even easier than we thoug-"
Her wall exploded inwards.
Baldness was the first thing that came into her eyes as her wall gave way to a terribly dressed man. Saitama stood before the room's occupants with a pained face and clenched thighs. A few moments of awkward silence coupled with unblinking stares were exchanged between Hero and plotters.
"How strong is your toilet?" Saitama finally blurted out breaking the quiet.
Cinder thought she misheard the question. "I—excuse me?"
"Your toilet," Saitama repeated. "Can it survive a bomb?"
Cinder Fall didn't quite know how to respond to that. She had three options at that moment: one was to attempt to answer that stupid question that just came out of his mouth, the second was to kill him on the spot in case he heard or saw anything, and the third would be ending her operation prematurely and running.
With a few tense beats of her heart, Cinder steeled herself and made a choice. Option one could easily shift into option two should things be revealed as problematic.
"No," Cinder said to the disappointment of Saitama. "No our toilet can't survive a bomb."
"Well," Saitama said despondently clenching his legs even harder now. "Thanks for helping. Know anywhere that has a toilet like that?"
Saitama turned to leave through the hole he made, with each step showing the depths of his desperation growing, and with each increasing the strain on Cinder's nerves.
"Wait!" Cinder called out stoping Saitama in his steps. "You didn't hear anything did you? About what I was saying."
He shook his head and walked off.
"What in Oum's name was that!" asked Emerald as Cinder began furiously deleting material on her scroll.
For most people getting reports from your friend that a certain caped bald man and what seemed to be his cybernetic companion were found in the remains of the Forever Fall, and recently walked through dust reinforced steel of Atlas's detention room would sound like a joke.
When your friend is a general with a perpetual stick stuck up his ass though, things are usually seen in a different light.
"James," Ozpin spoke calmly. "I need you to slow down. What do they look like? What do they want?"
"They look like a caped bald guy and a man with robot parts Ozpin! Nothing should have been able to walk through our walls like that! But he did!"
"James, relax. What did he want?"
Ozpin raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me."
"He left to find a toilet. We managed to track his movements across the campus. He's rampaging through the dorms, causing damage everywhere. Students are saying that he's wandering the campus seeking a toilet 'strong enough to still be peeable after a railgun'."
It took Ozpin a few moments to process Ironwood's words, words that just didn't quite make sense. Shaking off the stupidity of the situation, Ozpin got back on the task on hand.
"Where is he now?"
A large crash answered Ozpin as the building around him shook violently. Glynda burst in through the door scroll in hand and frown on face. "Headmaster, I'm getting multiple complaints from students about a bald man destroying their dorms and asking if their toilets can survive a bludgeoning from a power gauntlet. Is there some sort prank going that I have not been informed of?"
The Headmaster's lips did some bending acrobatics in opposite directions as he contemplated how to articulate the truthfulness of the situation to Glynda. "Well, Glynda…these claims, as also described to me by Ironwood…might be true."
Glynda's frown went from threat level "grumpy" to "someone must die". "You mean to tell me…that a bald man has actually broken into our campus…and is currently running through our building infrastructure to find a toilet?"
Ozpin nodded and took a drink of coffee to sustain his tranquility.
Years of twitching made Glynda's upper face muscles, especially around her left eye, absolutely tight and swollen. Whenever Ozpin caught a glimpse of the 'six pack' on the side of her head tightening, he usually understood it was time to set in and defuse the situation.
However, in this case, the calm thing to do was as murky and uncertain as Saitama was bald. "He also has a cyborg following him," Ozpin added to Glynda's confusion.
"A cyborg? What? Why?"
Ozpin shrugged and tapped the emergency protocols on his scroll. Whatever was going on, they were going to need to deal with it.
When Ruby found her uncle looking at the man shaped hole in the cafeteria walls, he looked three magnitudes drunker than his usually inebriated state. "Oh, hi kids," he slurred happily. "What's up."
"We trying to find this bald guy that's destroying the campus," Ruby said. "You see anyone like that."
Crow's face went dead and looked down at his flask and then back at his niece starring at him expectantly along with her team.
"He was definitely here! We are wasting time asking your druncle!" Weiss hissed under her breath while pointing furiously at the Saitama sized hole in the wall.
"So you could actually see the baldest guy walking around here too huh?" Crow said scratching the back of his head. "Well, he might have walked through that wall over there. Might have asked me about a toilet too. Can't quite remember."
"You didn't try to stop him?" Blake inquired to Crow's growing displeasure.
"Kids, to be entirely honest, I thought I was having drunken visions," he said as he took another gulp from his flask. "I had a bit more than I usually did, and when you suddenly see a bald man walk through a wall like nothing followed by a machine and a chatterbox, you understand that you're drunker than normal and deal with it accordingly."
Weiss threw up her hands in frustration and stomped off after the trail of destruction grumbling about how silly this all was and how she hasn't even managed to get changed yet. Ruby gave her uncle a quick goodbye as the rest of the team went after her, leaving one very confused Crow in their wake.
"Crow we nee—oh, well I see you're already informed about the situation," Glynda said with a blank faced Ozpin and shocked Ironwood by her side. "I assume you know what is about happen."
Crow thought to himself for a moment. "Your going to enlist me in baldy hunting?"
Her nod told him everything he didn't want to hear.
"Bladder strength at four percent," Genos announced with a tone of severity. "Master, even with your might, it seems that five minutes is all you might have left."
Saitama ignored him in his prancing. Saitama knew that as a hero, he would have to make some hard choices sometimes, but those typically came to down to mortal sacrifices and fighting impossible threats. What kind of hero was faced with an immovable threat in their own bladder! It was times like these that Saitama remember why his training began to cause so much damage to the world around him.
He also remembered where he usually went to do his business back at home: his rooftop.
The sky is a gift to the world, and at times only Saitama could fully appreciate the open air for what it was. The freedom that it allowed for his leaps, the space for cities to grow, the stars for eyes to witness in all their majesty.
Also, nothing in the way for Saitama to accidentally mutilate with his yellow liquid liberation beyond a few birds.
"Genos, stand back," spoke Saitama with a shadow over his eyes. "I know what I must do."
Genos's tightened his mechanical fists as he realized what was about to happen and nodded to his master.
"So what are we doing?" Nora bound up behind them, unaware of the sheer mayhem that was about to occur. "What's going on?"
A metallic palm halted her as Genos began moving back away from Saitama as a terrible ominous unzipping was heard. "Master knows what he must do. The option is sound, but for the sake of safety, we should stand back."
"Ohhh! Is he going to release his semblance? Is that what he's doing?"
It was at this very moment that the rest of the school managed to finally catch up to the bald one that has been causing so much havoc. Professors, students, and annoyed squirrels on campus all gathered to bear witness to the first great act that Saitama would deliver in Remnant.
Glynda held out her riding crop but wasn't sure with how to proceed with the defensive position the cyborg was taking, and how close Nora was to him. Not three meters away was Saitama hips aimed at the sky, unmoving…unspeaking.
"What's going on?" Ruby asked after a few moments of tense silence. "Is he doing anything—"
A blast of sheer force washed over every person present and even further into Vale. Students and teachers alike were knocked back a few steps as the small shockwave pushed against them. Barely able to open her eyes, Ruby looked up into the sky as what seemed to be a beam of pure brightness, in the shades of the sun, punched through the clouds. The air above them separated for the second time that day, clouds shifted away from each other and opened a path to the pure black of the beyond: outer space was pierced.
Such miraculous moment went from wonder to pure horror as the beam shot towards Remnant's shattered moon. Multiple cries of terror found form in sound and voice as student saw the fate about to transpire upon their moon.
When it hit, there wasn't much of a reaction at first, just a small spot on the moon seemingly getting pricked by a needle. Then, the prick grew, eating away more and more of the moon was eaten up by the blast. Up to another quarter of what remained of the already shattered moon was engulfed in the mightiest golden shower the galaxy has ever seen.
More fragments cracked away from the moon, already split to the very core by the second great impact of its existence, joining the bits that were there before. However, a few stray pieces shot off from the point of origin, towards a land of stronger gravity: Remnant.
Awe and disbelief were almost audible in the silence that drowned all of Beacon.
A single individual walked up next to Ozpin as the pieces of the moon came down ever closer towards the surface of Remnant. "If that's his semblance," Crow said as Saitama frowned at the damage he just caused, "then I'm going to need another drink."
The Fist of Remnant:
CH 1. Beacon's Strongest Toilet!