Special Note: no proofreads have happened. And a lot of the conversations will be funnier if you read them aloud in very dramatic voices.
And now I present to you, the oneshot that no one asked for:
This Damnedable Curse!
Hermione tossed another piece of wood onto the campfire grumpily. She took a sip of her beer, listening to Luna prattle on about something that would normally interest her—but she just wasn't feeling it.
She had had an awful week. She had been passed up for a promotion on Monday and her luck had plummeted after that. She had stubbed her toe on her coffee table on Tuesday and was forced to lay in her living room floor dramatically while Crookshanks fussed over her. On Wednesday she had spilled coffee down the front of her blouse in the middle of the Ministry cafeteria. It was an easy cleanup but Daphne Greengrass had quipped "Drink much?" – a ridiculously lazy joke if she ever heard one. Many people had laughed while she just sighed and walked back to her office. Thursday was an altogether crapshoot. The hot water heater in her flat had broken, soaking the carpeting. She was forced to call into work that day and wait for the repair man to show up. He never did. Her father had come by to fix it for her the following day, but she feared her carpet would not survive the tragedy. She felt exhausted.
A late-night party by the Weasley's lake had been at the very bottom of her to do list, but "Hermione, we've been planning this for weeks" and "Come on! Everyone's going to be there!" and "You bail on us all the time". She had no choice but to attend. Many of their group from school and most of the Gryffindor Quidditch team were present, with the exception of the twins, who were oddly missing. Hermione kept hoping that they would start up an impromptu game. It would be horribly dangerous, since everyone was on the verge of tipsiness, but it would be enough of a distraction for her to sneak back home, cast a few more drying charms on her carpet, and then crawl into bed for a few days.
A loud cymbal crashed behind her, signaling a very close apparition that made her almost jump out of her skin.
She whipped around to see one of the twins behind her, twisting the ends of his mustache.
Wait- What? She did a double take.
"My love," He started, his voice carrying the accent of an aristocratic lord of the land, "I see the day finds you well."
"It's night time, George." Hermione pointed one finger to the sky and raised her eyebrow at him.
"I'm Fred." He said seriously. "And there are twenty four hours in a day. Therefor, every day is still a day."
"Except the sun is down… George." She looked at him suspiciously.
"The sun is no concern of mine!" He said loudly. At this point, the crowd of friends had turned towards them, listening to George spout his ridiculousness.
"Why are you wearing a mustache?"
"Well—if you- must ask… about my mustache." He laughed loudly at his play on words. "I, Fred Weasley, have always had this mustache." He twisted it again before laughing in a way that reminded Hermione vaguely of the villains from Saturday morning cartoons that were always tying people to train tracks.
Hermione sighed. "Yeah—except you're George. Ron—he's George, right?"
Ron scrutinized him quickly. "Uhh.. I'm not quite sure."
"What are you talking about? It's so obvious." Hermione gestured towards his face.
"Shut up, you. Ron, just look at him!" Hermione glowered. "Fred doesn't even have a mustache. Why the hell would wearing a mustache make you think he's Fred?"
"Lemme tell you somethin', Mione." Ron said very seriously. "I have had about six of these." He gestured to his beer. "And uhh—If he says he's Fred, then let's just let him be Fred."
"Stop right there, imposter!"
Hermione whipped back around and stood up. Fred was on her other side, pointing at George with a no-nonsense expression.
"Hermione!" Fred grabbed her hand and helped her to her feet. "Thank Merlin I arrived in time!" He said dramatically. "This fiend had fooled you! But he's not Fred, you must believe me, Darling!"
"I never thought he was Fred—" Hermione paused. "Wait-Darling? What's going on?" She snatched her hand away from his quickly.
"Don't believe him, Hermione." Fake Fred said behind her as her head whipped back and forth between the two of them in bewilderment. Harry giggled, coughing as his butterbeer went down the wrong pipe. "It is I who is the real Fred! This man before you wishes to play on your affections. He wants to trick you and turn you against me."
"Stay behind me, love." Fred stepped in front of her and raised a fake sword towards George. "I will save you from this lying knave. I will not let him confuse your naïve mind with his lies—wait… no.. with his treacherous lies!"
Hermione rubbed her temples tiredly. "Oh my god, can you guys just—" She glanced around looking for a hole in the crowd she could escape through, but between the Weasley children and all the rest of their collective friends—it was pretty crowded.
"Yeah-" George said. "It was supposed to be treacherous lies, Fred.—I mean—" He cleared his throat as everyone started laughing, "I AM THE REAL FRED, DAMNIT!"
"Never fear, my dear!" Fred smiled roguishly over his shoulder at her. "I know exactly what is happening. This man is my evil clone from… a different dimension. He wishes to replace me in this world. If he could convince you, then he could convince anyone—you know, because of your undying love for me."
"This is ridiculous." Hermione sighed. "Can I not be involved in this?" She whined.
"You gotta." Fred pouted.
"Yeah—we planned it out. The whole script will be messed up if you don't!" George pleaded.
"Shhhh—" Fred said quickly. "You villainous foe!" He raised his sword again. "Trying to steal Hermione's sweet pure, naïve heart. You alien from an alternate Earth!"
"I thought you said he was a clone." Hermione tilted her head.
"They have clones on other Earths, Hermione. That's not just an our-Earth thing." George explained calmly.
"But how could he be an alien if he was from an alternate Earth? He would still be an earthling."
"Shush, woman." Fred called out over his shoulder.
"I'm just saying. It doesn't make any sens-"
"Engarde!" Fred jumped forward, and George raised his sword to block. "I will banish you back to the dark dimension you escaped from!"
Their swords met in the thunk of wood instead of the clash of steel. They jumped up on logs, and barreled into Ron a few accidental (intentional) times. They parried and thrust their swords in expert symmetry. The crowd was ooing and aahing at all of the right moments. The twins were seeping up the attention—feeding off of it to perform with more and more upbeat heroics.
Hermione tried to slink back into the background now that the focus was finally off of her. If she could just get out of here before—
"Not so fast!" George twisted his mustache and laughed in his maniacal cartoonish way. He held the fake sword to her throat.
"Oh for the love of—" George covered her mouth with his other hand quickly.
"Do not harm her, Space-ninja!" Fred cried out dramatically. "It is I that you wish to hurt."
Hermione pulled George's hand away. "Space ninja?!" She said loudly. "What the hell is a sp—" She was quickly muffled again.
"They have space ninjas on the other earth, Hermione." George explained calmly.
"Yeah. In the other dimension," Fred added before continuing, "You only want to hurt me, Space-ninja Fred. You leave her out of this. She's is a poor sweet innocent – very, very frail little woman. Just a most womanly, smallish little thing, really."
Hermione glared at him.
"Too much?" Fred tilted his head at her.
She nodded tensely.
"She doesn't deserve your tyranny, space-clone! No matter how not-frail she is!" He continued gallantly.
He dropped his sword on the ground and sunk to his knees. "Take me instead. Let her go and I will give you no fight."
George spun her out of his arms. Harry caught her around the middle as she steadied herself and snatched Ron's beer away from him (because my god, he had had six already.) She turned it up as she watched the scene play on.
"Ah-ha-ha" George cackled. "I have you now, Fred!" He raised his wooden sword high above his head. "I shall defeat you and in the end- I will be the last highlander!"
"How have you even heard of that show!" Hermione yelled.
The twins continued in spite of her protests.
"There can be only one, Fred!" He brought his sword down. At the last moment, Fred pulled a smaller wooden dagger out of his boot and thrust it upwards.
George fell to the ground, with the dagger between his torso and right arm. He wheezed loudly. "You have struck me!"
"I banish you, Fake-Fred!" Fred stood clutching his side. "I banish you back to hell!"
"Oh no!" George said loudly. "I am banished!" He disappeared with a pop.
Fred staggered forward and attempted to collapse into Hermione's arms. She quickly took a step back, causing him to fall to the ground.
The crowd laughed.
"Hey!" Fred hissed up at her. "You were supposed to catch me, Hermione!"
"Supposed to? Who says I was supposed to?" Hermione glared at him.
"The script says!" He whispered.
"Oh my god."
"Just—fine. Nevermind." He jumped back up to his feet and collapsed into her arms more slowly this time. "My love,"
"Fred- please stop this." She whispered.
"I am poisoned, my love. That fiend. He poisoned me." He wept fake tears against her shoulder.
She sighed. "You're poisoned now? I thought he stabbed you with a sword."
"The sword was poisoned, Hermione. It was dipped… in poison." He stood up on his feet. "There is no cure."
"Well, that's just horrible, Fred." She sighed and patted him on the shoulder awkwardly.
"Except there is a cure."
"You just said there wasn't-"
"It is simply so impossible that I did not think of it before." He met her eyes carefully. Katie, Angelina, Ginny and Luna all leaned forward closer as the scene took a more dramatic turn. "I am undeserving of it—perhaps it would be better to let this poison drag me down to Hell than to even ask."
Hermione took a large sip of her beverage before asking wryly. "What's the cure, Fred?"
"True love's kiss." He said sadly. "Only the kiss of someone who truly loves me will heal this poison. But—where will I ever find my true love?"
"Awwwwwwww," All of the girls gushed.
From amid the crowd, George piped up in suddenly, "Oh no—," He said unconvincingly. "I have just arrived at this party. Oh, whatever has happened to my dear sweet brother." George fell to knees on the ground and reached up towards the Heavens. "Why! Oh why—"
"LIKE I SAID-" Fred cut his eyes at his twin before facing her again with the perfect expression of a man facing death, "True love's kiss, sweet pea. That's the only thing that will save me from this damnedable curse."
"I thought you were poisoned?" Hermione says dryly.
"THIS POISONOUS CURSE."
Hermione took a step back and looked around the captivated audience, "Will someone kiss this Neanderthal already so they will settle down? Katie maybe?"
Katie shrugged and stepped forward before Fred began to protest loudly.
"No, damnit that's not what I said. Not Katie—sorry,Kates. Yeah. Sit back down. TRUE LOVES KISS, Hermione."
"Ugh" Hermione groaned and tried to walk past him up to The Burrow.
"Wait wait wait!" Fred called out to her. "You're just going to leave me here to die?" He clutched his heart. "My darling! I saved you from that horrible imposter that was certainly not George in a disguise."
She clutched her fists at her side and slowly turned back to him. "This is a really fun show that you're putting on, Fred—" She started, trying to remain calm.
"It's not a show. I am on the verge of dying. See?" He groaned loudly, fell to the ground, and thrashed around before smiling up at her.
"Right. But I'm not really in the mood to be involved in this. I've just had one hell of a week and I just want to get really, really drunk and go home and—"
"Party pooper!" Harry said teasingly from the audience.
Hermione glared at him.
"You should trust me, Hermione. I wouldn't lie about being poisoned by my evil pirate-self from another dimension."
"He's a pirate now?"
"Well he had a sword, didn't he?" Fred waved his arms around as if the conclusion were obvious.
"Oh my god, fine." She conceded, quickly draining the rest of her beer. Then she cracked her knuckles and readjusted her shirt so that it laid more primly. She smoothed out her hair and started to turn towards Fred, who scampered to his feet quickly.
"Just kiss him already!" Ron yelled out. "Stop stalling!"
"Will you just stay out of it!" She snapped at him before turning back to Fred. "Like —a stage kiss right?"
"No, woman. I'm dying!" Fred pointed at his fake wound. "It simply must be a kiss of true love! Like – Like a real one." Fred insisted. "You have to, ya know—" He puckered. "You gotta do that."
She started to lean towards him with her lips poised to give him a chaste peck on the lips.
"What? You're going to keep your eyes open? You can't kiss me with your eyes open, Hermione." He dropped his voice into a ridiculously loud stage whisper. "You gotta sell it." He said, covering his mouth with one hand in such a way that it was cupped towards the audience instead of away from them. "Like declare your love maybe—and definitely shut your eyes. You can't kiss someone with your eyes wide open—It's weird. Is that how you kiss normally?" He scrutinized her as she rolled her eyes and pursed her lips. "Because this is life or death, or have you forgotten?" He added.
"So help me, Fred – If you don't shut up-"
"That's not a declaration of love."
"I'll hurt you, I swear. I'll hurt you in a way that no kiss in the world will cure." She seethed at him, turning red as the crowd laughed. "Just-"
"I'm sure you could, honey, but if you don't do this kiss right, I'm dust anyways." He said solemnly, his eyes flickering with mirth.
She sighed loudly and scrunched her nose up angrily.
She met his gaze again, her eyebrow quirked as her voice began sweetly. "Oh no! My love! You saved me, Fred! You saved me from that… pirate?"
"Space-pirate." Fred corrected.
"Right. Space-pirate, from another dimension that used a sword dipped in poison."
"Well that just sounds like a preposterous story," George insisted from the crowd. "This is very far-fetched.
"Yes, completely absurd. Try to keep it realistic, Hermione." Fred quipped. "You read, don't you?"
Hermione cut her eyes at him before continuing. "It is unlikely, but it's what happened! And you saved me, Fred—"
"After that horrible fiend had you completely fooled." Fred nodded.
"Yes, I had just no idea." She smiled at him.
"It was the mustache!" George cried out.
"Yes." Hermione sighed dramatically. "That damned mustache had me completely fooled- BUT, you saved me from him, and now you are dying!" She placed her hands against his chest and threw her hair over her shoulder theatrically.
"More like this, love." Fred readjusted her arms up around his neck and placed his large hands on her waist.
Hermione smiled wryly at him before continuing, "And now- with a love that transcends galaxies! A love that echoes through the fabric of time and reality! A love that means everything and captures my entire soul in a gleeful, uhh—a gleeful…" She trailed off, "No no, how about—A love that defies logic, but is undeniable in the best of ways—"
"Kinda laying it on thick there, Hermione." Lee Jordan snorted.
"Shut up!" Hermione growled. "You made me lose my train of thought." She met Fred's eyes hesitantly, "Am I doing it right?"
"Yeah, yeah—you're doing brilliant. Keep going." He breathed out at her. He smiled at her, his fingertips clutching tighter on her waist, dragging the fabric up slightly.
"Where was I- Oh right! A love that means everything to me." She took another step towards him, pressing his body flush against his own. He swallowed nervously. "Now, you've been poisoned for me, Fred. I worry though, what if my kiss isn't enough to save you?"
"I thought it was a curse..." Ginny said, looking confused.
"A damnedable curse!" George bellowed.
"Yeah, why would a kiss cure poison?" Ron tilted his head.
"Hush!" Fred glared at them. "You're all ruining it!" He met her eyes once more. "Go on then, love."
"Actually, I think it's your turn now." Hermione said. "What if my kiss isn't enough to save you?" She repeated, clutching his shoulders.
"It will be," He whispered. "Your love is the truest in the 'verse. And if it wasn't enough—I would rather die than let my lips graze against another's. At least with a kiss from you, I will surely die happy."
She snorted, suddenly overcome with the ridiculousness of the night. Her head was swimming with all of the alcohol. As she spouted endearments at him and played along—she started to feel less worried about the kiss and more excited about putting on a good show.
"I'm dying, Hermione." Fred reminded her, watching her eyes sparkle. "Bring me back to life." He glanced at her lips.
"A real kiss?" She asked again, hesitantly.
"A kiss that could save an unworthy man." He smiled kindly at her as he held her close to him.
Her eyes fluttered closed as she crashed her lips into his own. Her fingers ran through his messy hair. She slanted her mouth across his own again and again as he clutched her to him tightly. She eased her tongue past his lips and lightly dragged it across his own. He shuddered. Their friends were catcalling and cheering, but she barely heard the others because Fred had whimpered deliciously and slid his hand down to her rear. A thrill shot through her. She beckoned against his teeth with her tongue wickedly. She was smiling when she pulled away, only to have Fred pull her back to him again for a few short, sweet echoes against her mouth. He hummed when he finally eased away from her.
"Alive again?" She said breathlessly.
"Uh huh." He nodded, looking dazed.
"I thought you might be." She smirked up at him. Hermione stepped away and skipped over to the drink station to grab another beer before joining Luna and Ginny at the campfire.
"And now! Let the fireworks begin!" George called out before clapping his hands together with flourish. The sky exploded into streams of lights that popped and danced across the heavens.
George came to stand beside him. "Did it work?"
"No." Fred sighed dreamily.
"Thought for sure that would get her out of your system." George looked confused. "You had your taste of her—should be over her, right?"
"I fear it's made it worse." Fred said seriously, watching as the light cast hues that danced across her features.
Word Count – 3290.