A/N Hey all! This is my first foray into Star Wars fanfiction, but with all the feels from the new movie it was pretty much inevitable.
This is kind of an angsty piece which I don't generally write, but whatever. It's set a few months after Kylo Ren turned, after Luke and Han have left and Leia is alone. It's one of those pieces that refused to leave my mind until it was written so here it is.
Oh, before you read, I realize that as a ghost, Anakin probably shouldn't be able to touch anything, but for the sake of this fanfic, that little fact is going out the window.
Leia could feel it swirling around her. It had grown stronger in the past few months, but if she was honest, it had always been there, twisting in the shadows. That, she supposed, was the problem.
It's your fault.
She did what she always did, straightened her shoulders and staunchly ignored the voice whispering in her ear.
You're the cause of all this pain.
But this time, it refused to be silenced. After weeks and weeks, it seemed she had finally reached her limit. Her fingers tightened around the note that she had been too afraid to read, though why exactly, she couldn't quite remember through the haze of shadows clouding her mind.
She tried to move, to shake her head clear, but her legs weren't working and the next thing she knew, she was on the floor. She barely comprehended the hard ground against her face, as the voice tore through her soul, leaving a cold shell in its place.
None of this would've happened if it weren't for you.
She felt something on her cheek then, and vaguely recognized the salty wetness of tears. How odd. She had thought that she had used them all up by now.
It was you.
The shadows were building. She could feel herself being lost in their depths, the surface blurring and sailing farther and farther away. And finally, she let herself acknowledge the truth that she had known for weeks: the voice was right.
You're the reason why he fell.
She was too tired to fight anymore. Her eyes slid closed and she opened her mind and let the darkness rush over her, invading every crevice of her being until-
And suddenly, it was gone.
Leia felt a hand on her shoulder and realized that she could think again. She sat up slowly, muscles stiff and sore like she hadn't moved in a century. The hand helped her though, a gentle force, guiding her to a sitting position, her back leaning heavily against the wall.
She looked up at the sound of the voice, meaning to thank it for freeing her from the prison of shadows that had consumed her, but froze as she saw who it belonged to. "It's you." She was proud of the coldness in her voice.
The man winced, but made no other action.
Luke described him well, she thought randomly. He looked nothing like the man she had known, though logically, she knew that that had only been a shell. He was young, with shoulder-length brown hair and a bright face that she couldn't reconcile with her memories. Only a slight shimmer and translucence in his body gave any clue that it was merely a ghost, not a living, breathing man standing before her.
"I don't want to talk to you." She turned away, but could still feel his infuriating presence behind her.
He was quiet for a moment, but valiantly tried again. "I don't expect you to forgive me, but Leia, honey,"
Her mind burned. She whipped her head back around, all previous stiffness forgotten in her thundering rage. "You don't get to call me that!" she paused, sucking in a mouthful of air. Her anger simmered in the pit of her stomach, but the next time she spoke, she was much calmer. "I'm not your daughter. You don't get to act like my father."
He had been reaching out to touch her shoulder again, but drew his hand away. Leia was perversely glad about the hurt in his expression. "I am your father, Leia."
"Bail Organa was my father." She looked away again. "He's the one who cared for me, protected me, loved me. You're nothing."
He turned away, and if Leia had cared to look, she would've seen the anguish in his face. "I understand your feelings, Leia, but take it from someone who knows first hand the dangers anger presents; it will lead you down a dark path."
I don't care! I don't care! She wanted to shout it at him, make him understand that she did not care about the dangers of her anger because it was all she had left in the galaxy. Ben was gone. Luke was gone. Han was gone. It was just her and the anger and the darkness. She was alone.
"No, you're not alone, Leia, you're never alone." This time, he did touch her shoulder, but she shied away from his hand.
"Just go away." Don't take this away from me too.
"I know it hurts, but you have fight the darkness."
Why? She wanted to ask. What's the point? He had succumbed to it after all. Ben had succumbed to it. What was one more fall in the twisted, tragic history of the Skywalker family?
"Leia," he reached out and cupped his daughter's cheek in his hand. "Please, don't repeat my mistake."
She jerked away. "Why are you here?" she asked, the venom again in her voice.
"Because you called me," he answered simply, sinking down to his knees so his eyes were level with hers.
"What?" She couldn't mask the surprise in her voice.
He smiled sadly. "I've been watching you for years. I've wanted to come, to talk—to apologize—but you've never let me in."
As soon as he said it, she knew it was true. There were times when she had felt the brush of his presence, even if she hadn't been completely aware of it. She had felt him there, with the Force, and had always pushed him away. But not this time. If she had had the energy, she might have laughed. Who would've thought that she would ever be so alone that she would turn to Darth Vader, the man who had tortured her, stood by while her home was destroyed, just for some company?
The voice was back. She turned her head, face burying in her shoulder as the darkness once again began to swirl through her mind.
"Leia! Leia! Look at me!" He grabbed her chin and turned her head so she was facing him.
He was blurry through her heavy-lidded eyes.
"Please, you have to fight it!" He was frantic. Somewhere through the haze she recognized the panic of a parent who's child was in danger. She smiled at that.
"Please," he pleaded desperately with her. "Your mother would never forgive me if I lost you like she lost me!"
The mention of her mother—that beautiful presence that she remembered so well despite only experiencing it for a moment—was enough to pull Leia out of her haze.
The relief in her father's face as her eyes cleared was palpable. His hand brushed her cheek lovingly.
She reached for her anger, to yell at him, shout at him, hurt him, but found that the thoughts of her mother had banished it from her being. Unbidden, memories of the smiling, kind boy she had raised rushed through her mind. She sagged against the wall. The only thing left to her was grief.
Ben, Ben, Ben, her mind mirrored her father, as it cried out desperately for her son. She again felt the cold tracks of tears spreading down her face and suddenly she was sobbing, long, gasping, heart-wrenching sobs that were so loud that some part of her was surprised that no one was coming running into her quarters to see what was wrong.
Her father was there, his arms wrapped around her, and his hands stroking her hair gently.
She continued to sob as he muttered comforting words in her ear. "Why?" She managed to ask through the tears. "Why, why, why, why?
"I don't know, sweetheart," he whispered, and her heart broke all over again at the term her husband used to use.
"Why did he turn? What did I do wrong?" She had quieted down, so she was just sniffling into his shoulder. "Was I such a horrible mother?"
"No, of course not. It wasn't your fault."
She pulled away then, so she could look at him. Look at the man who was her father. "Why did you do it?"
He looked taken aback, his arms slipped back down to his sides, and he looked away. "I was confused. And I was scared and I was angry," he paused, seeming to consider adding more, but thought better of it.
"And you thought you weren't loved." Leia finished. It wasn't a question. Luke had said that Obi-Wan Kenobi had told him as much in one of his long conversations with the old master after Ben had fallen.
"I loved him. Gods, I loved him so much it hurt." She looked at her father then, begging him to tell her the answers. "Why couldn't he see it? I thought it was obvious."
His arms wrapped around her again. "Leia," he muttered into her hair. "It wasn't your fault anymore than it was Obi-Wan's that I turned."
But that wasn't true. Surely he had to see it. "It's in my blood," she said. "In our blood."
He had no response but to hold her tighter. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm so sorry."
He rubbed circles in her back, and she closed her eyes, allowing herself to be surrounded by the comfort, if only for a moment. "Han left," she said after a few minutes.
Her father looked down at her, but she refused to meet his eyes.
"It's in here." She held up the note.
Her father took it from her, turning it over in his hands. He looked at the unbroken seal questioningly.
She smiled, but there was a deep sadness to it. "We've been married for almost two decades. I don't need to open it to know what it says." She sighed. "I'm surprised he stayed this long."
He hugged her yet again, and she was surprised at how soothing his embrace was.
"I never liked that man," he said.
Leia looked at him incredulously, and saw a slight smile on his face.
"From the first moment I met him, he rubbed me the wrong way."
And unbelievably, through the tears that were still falling, she let out a short laugh. "You made that abundantly clear."
"He's not good enough for you."
"He's too good for me," Leia responded darkly.
His expression turned serious once more. "I'm so sorry," he said again.
"I know," she whispered.
"I love you."
"It's going to be alright."
His words caused her to look up at him once more.
"You saved me. You and Luke. You'll save him too. You'll bring him back."
Her father shifted before her, and she found herself terrified that he would disappear. "Wait!" she cried and looked away under his surprised gaze, biting her bottom lip harshly. "Please, don't leave. Just- just hold me." The echo of the words that she had spoken so long ago on a forest moon, back before she had a son to lose. Back before her brother left on some spiritual quest. Back when she still had the man she loved. Back when her father was alive. How empty it sounded now, how sad.
But her father complied, and they sat like that for the rest of night, his arms locked tightly around her, rocking her gently back and forth, as he whispered stories of a slave boy from a land with two suns who met a beautiful Queen and fell deeply in love, and for the first time in months, Leia allowed herself to feel the glimmer of hope.
A/N and because I felt I had too after so much pain, I ended it on a happy note (although probably a falsely happy one when considering the movies), but I had to.
I know that there were some issues here that weren't really addressed, like the fact that Ben turned because he was obsessed with his grandfather, but whatever, I really just wanted to focus on Leia and Anakin.
I just felt so bad for Leia in the movie because not only did she lose her son, but she lost her brother and husband who both kind of dropped their shit and left her to deal with everything. And also possibly her daughter if you think (like I do) that Rey is her kid, or at the very least her niece. I guess I wanted someone to be there for her. Ughh too many feels.
Also, just a note, I really haven't put in too much background research (though I guess it hardly matters since much of the EU scrapped) so I don't know the timeline or if there is really a time line yet. For the sake of this fanfic, I assumed Kylo Ren probably turned in his teenage years (although again this could quite possibly not be true).
Anyway, I hoped you enjoyed, and please leave a review if you want to! Thanks so much!