All Along the Watchtower: Part 1 of 30

"Good cold evening, dear" Hippolyta said, greeting Two-Face as the reformed criminal overlooked the night sky in the lounge, having finished monitor duty

"Same to you, my love" Two-Face replied pleasantly, his scarred face glowing bright in the moonlit sky as Hippolyta pulled her husband in close and kissed him passionately.

"So… did you do any good cases, Mr. Bigshot Attorney?" Hippolyta purred, as she and Harvey were in the bedroom, unclothed and watching reruns of Orange is the new Black

"Eh, not much. A few lawsuits, some child support here and there, oh and my personal favorite… assault and battery" Harvey answered, taking a sip of his Chianti wine before kissing Hippolyta's neck

Meanwhile, in the room of Dinah and Helena Prince…

"Dinah? Dinah, wake up" Helena Prince whispered, shaking her younger sister Dinah's shoulder as she slept in her bed

"Hmm?" Dinah murmured sleepily.

"I can't sleep" Helena explained

"You woke me up from a dream of making out with Emma Roberts to tell me you can't sleep when it's 2 in the morning?" Dinah asked sarcastically

"I know, I know, it's a stupid excuse" Helena chuckled

"Ok, ok, you moocher, you can cuddle with me. But no hogging the covers" Dinah said, scooting over

"Oh thanks so much little sis. I really appreciate it" Helena said, getting under the covers

"Yeah, yeah. Now shush up, I'm trying to sleep" Dinah yawned, closing her eyes

"Ok, ok. Goodnight" Helena whispered, kissing Dinah's cheek as she laid down on her pillow

In the office of Roman Sionis and his partner Linda Park-West…

"Well, that's it. All the mortgages are paid, bills are paid, loans are made, and all tonight's work is done" Black Mask said, exhaling in relief as Linda massaged his shoulders

"I know how stressful it is being the accountant/financier of the Justice League and all, but think of the possibilities. You're running for Senator of Gotham. If you win, you'll win the votes for equal rights of the LGBT parties" Linda said, a hopeful look in Roman's eyes

"Thank you for the confidence, Linda. I wish you the best in your pregnancy and I will continue to support you and Wally in your marriage together" Roman responded, kissing Linda's hand

"Um, Roman?" Silver St. Cloud said, entering the room.

"Hey kiddo, come on in. Linda and I were just talking" Roman said, Silver entering the office and kissing her adoptive father on the cheek

"Did you and Vesper have fun at Mykonos?" Roman asked as Silver straightened his tie

"Mm-hmm. Vesper proposed to me" Silver added, Roman hugging Silver happily

"That's wonderful, congratulations Silver" Linda cheered, hugging Silver

"Thanks, Aunt Linda" Silver said before yawning

"Ok, Vesper and I are going to bed. 'Night, Daddy" Silver said, kissing Roman's cheek

"See you in the morning, kiddo" Roman said softly, Silver smiling as she walked out the room

At the office of Victor Zsasz and Tommy Elliot, Attorneys at Law…

"Oh, the boredom, the godawful boredom" Zsasz moaned tiredly as he and Hush worked tiredly in their office

"Patience, Victor, patience. The night is almost over. A few more bits of paperwork then we can watch the football game later" Hush responded

"mmm. Have you bought tickets for the UFC fight?" Zsasz asked

"Oh yeah. That Holly Holm sure is something" Hush chuckled just as Nora Fries entered

"Evening, boys" Nora said coyly

"Hello Nora. How's the doc holding up?" Hush asked, looking up from his paperwork

"Oh, he's doing better. The doctor said a few more weeks of chemotherapy and hopefully he'll find a cure" Nora replied

"Well, he's in our thoughts and prayers, just to let you know. Anything me and my partner can do for you tonight?" Hush asked politely

"Um, I need some insurance claims settled by Sunday. Not much, a mere $3 per tax" Nora said, handing Hush a slip

"Not a problem dear, we'll have it done by morning" Zsasz said quickly, going to work

"Oh thank you boys. I really appreciate this" Nora said, exiting

"Real nice lady" Hush said

"Yup. Takes after boss lady" Zsasz commented

"What's that supposed to mean?" Hush asked questioningly

"Oh. Um… nothing" Zsasz said

"… huh. Whoop. Work's done. UFC time" Hush said, whipping out a 12-pack of Miller Lite

"Right behind you. I'll go get the pretzels and nachos" Zsasz added, rushing into the kitchen

"And no overdoing it on the tabasco sauce" Hush hollered

"Same to you with the Miller Lite, brother!" Zsasz hollered back

The next morning, at the breakfast table…

"Whew! It's cold as Chile in here!" Vigilante shivered, pouring himself a cup of coffee

"Silly Greg, we don't have chili for breakfast. That's for dinner and lunch" Dinah interjected

"Um, sis, remember what we do when grown-ups are talking?" Helena asked

"Eat breakfast and mind our own business" Dinah answered

"That's my girl" Helena smiled, patting Dinah on the head as Dinah ate her pop-tarts

"Morning everyone" Hippolyta asked cheerfully, entering the room

"Morning Mommy" Dinah said sweetly

"Good morning angel" Hippolyta cooed, kissing Dinah's and Helena's foreheads

"Here's the daily paper, Ma. Had to fight off Krypto to get it" Robin said, limping in with dog marks on his face

"Oh, Timmy, you poor dear. Why don't you have Hush clean you up, ok?" Hippolyta asked sweetly

"Uh… ok. By the way, steer clear of Bruce. He's in one of his moods again" Robin added

"Oh dear" Hippolyta said fearfully, everyone keeping silent as the curmudgeonly crusader walked past them

"Ok, he's gone" Hippolyta said, exhaling in relief

"Phew! Uncle Bruce can be really mean and scary sometimes" Dinah said, Hippolyta hugging her close

"Oh sweetheart, it's ok. Bruce may be a grouchy, brooding man but he loves you and all of us so very much" Hippolyta said lovingly, kissing the top of Dinah's head

"Heh. Sure wish I could see him acting all cheerful and friendly like Dinah" Nightwing said sarcastically

"You rang?" Neron asked, having appeared in the room in a vapor of green smoke

"Get out, Neron! You're supposed to be in the containment room!" Linda shouted, coming at him with a knife

"Fine, fine! Sheesh" Neron grumbled, disappearing in a huff

"I gotta be careful not to say such things like that when he's around" Nightwing said finally

"Yeah, tell me about it. He keeps sending me these chain letters" Amy commented, taking a bite of her muffin

"Oh, not to worry. I had Garfield burn them down" Hippolyta answered

"Beast Boy?" Dinah asked

"No, honey, the other Garfield" Hippolyta answered

"…. Uh-oh" Hippolyta gulped, realizing the error she made

"Way to go. You hired the flamebrain to do the chores. Excellent work" Hawkgirl snarked sarcastically


"… whoa" Nightwing said in amazement

"I never thought she'd have a volume control" Linda added

"…Now do you understand why normality went out the window the day we moved in here?" Black Mask asked Vesper

"Yup. I understand completely. We live in an insane asylum of superhuman crazies, gays, drunks, nerds, virgins, shapeshifters, pyromaniacs, nymphomaniacs, Amazon queens, ice queens, Kryptonian numbskulls, bimbo reporters, disgruntled millionaires, horny teenage daughters, wild animals… it's like a freakin mixed up zoo, for crying out loud" Vesper cried

"Yup. Once you enter this home, you're part of the madness and you'll never be rid of it" Hippolyta said

"So this is basically Arkham Asylum 2.0. No guards, no prison cells, no mercy" Hawkgirl chimed in

"Oh and my personal favorite: once you check in, you can never, ever, ever checkout" Hush finished, handing Nora her payment

"Thanks Tommy" Nora said, getting up to iron her hair

"So… what's on the agenda, boss?" Nightwing asked, finally finishing his breakfast

"Uh… Nothing as always" Hippolyta answered

"Well… sounds good to me" Hush responded


"Oy, what a long-ass movie!" Hush complained, rubbing his sore back as Linda carried her twins upstairs to their room for bed

"Hey. How'd the movie go?" Hippolyta asked, having tucked Dinah into bed for the night

"Way too long and way too expensive" Zsasz yawned tiredly

"Oh my! Why don't you two go get a shower and cool off for a while? I'll go make some coffee" Hippolyta offered

"Thanks but no. Vic and I are gonna hit the hay. We gotta take Tim and Damian to that horse race tomorrow" Hush moaned

"Alright dears, sleep tight" Hippolyta crooned, Hush and Zsasz taking the elevator to their room

Meanwhile, in the Monitor Womb…

"And done. All finance mortgages paid for the night" Huntress exhaled, sighing in relief as she looked around. Jennifer-Lynn Prince, nicknamed Jade, was sleeping on her desk, snoring. Oliver Queen, better known to all as Green Arrow was watching SportsCenter in the recreational room with Wildcat and Shining Hawk

"Hey. Coming to bed, sweetie?" Batwoman asked sweetly, massaging her wife's shoulders

"Ok baby, I'm coming. Ok Ollie, I'm taking off for the night. Think you and Jade can hold the fort?" Huntress asked tiredly

"Sure thing" Oliver said, keeping his eyes glued on the TV. Batwoman and Huntress rolled their eyes as they beamed themselves into their bedroom via transporter

"Unh… no, no, I won't do the chicken dance! You can't make me!" Jade babbled, waking up

"What the hell were you babbling about this time? The talking trees from Lord of the Rings again?" Oliver snarked

"No, numbnuts, I was talking about the flying squirrel and the big dumb moose" Jade remarked

"Ask a stupid question…" Oliver moaned, rubbing the bridge of his nose

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Ok, I'm going to bed. Kyle won't stop texting me to come up" Jade moaned, cleaning up her workstation

"Should I take over for you, hon?" Artemis asked sweetly, having clocked in for her monitor night shift

"Artemis, it would be my genuine pleasure" Jade replied confidently

"Ok, see you in the morning, give Kyle a kiss for me" Artemis replied, Jade winking at her slyly as she walked off

"So… how's it hanging, Artemis?" Oliver asked lewdly as Artemis logged in and began her work

"Eh, the usual. Pumping my boobs with milk, sparring, taming bulls, etc" Artemis responded, yawning

"Yo, Artemis! Here's a pillow for ya in case you nod off" Supergirl called, tossing the sleepy Amazon a pillow in mid-air

"Thanks Kara. Where are you going so late at night?" Artemis asked curiously

"To the sorority den. There's a full 12-hour marathon of the L Word on and I don't wanna miss a thing" Supergirl answered

"I didn't even know we even had a sorority den" Oliver said aloud

"It's in the lounge room across from the café" Supergirl explained

"Ah, gotcha" Green Arrow nodded

"Ok, later" Supergirl called, flying away

"…well, you never know whether people are a-comin' or a-goin', that's for sure" Artemis yawned in boredom

"Mm-hmm, ain't that the truth" Oliver commented

"Oh crap, hide! Code Bat is in effect! Code Bat IS IN EFFECT" Oliver shouted

Both Oliver and Artemis remained perfectly still as the crotchety vigilante walked past them irately

"…Phew, thank goodness that's over" Artemis exhaled in relief, wiping her brow

"HEY! WHO ATE ALL MY CHEETOS PUFFS?! TIMMMMMMMMMMMM!" Spoiler hollered in the hall

"OhcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapCRAP!" Robin gibbered, running for his life



"Yeah! We gonna make you squeal like a pig, boy! Squeal like a pig!" J'onn slurred drunkenly


"What the hell is happening here?" Oliver asked

"Chaos, Oliver, just plain sheer chaos" Artemis responded


"Ok, what the *CENSORED*?!" Artemis shouted


"Mad Max" Oliver said to a very flabbergasted Artemis

"Ah" Artemis said, understanding

Meanwhile, in Vicki's and Lois' room…

"Lois! Lois, wake up!" Vicki hissed, shaking her twin sister's shoulder

"mmm… how 'bout you start calling me Chief around here" Lois mumbled in her sleep

"C'mon Lois, wake up!" Vicki pleaded, Lois grunting as she woke up

"What now, Vicki? Cant you see I was sleeping?!" Lois snapped irately

"I can't sleep" Vicki said

"Oh don't start with me! Helena did that before! This isn't becoming a running gag" Lois said snarkily


"Oh, ok, fine. But no drooling this time" Lois exhaled, Vicki plopping into bed and snoring

"Hmph. Sure are a lot of crazies in the Watchtower tonight" Lois muttered, laying down

In the kitchen…

"Hey, Robin! Catch!" Vixen hollered, tossing a sharp Frisbee at Robin's direction

"AAAAAAAAAAA! GET AWAY FROM ME!" Robin shrieked, running far from the disc

"Huh. That's odd, I could've sworn it was a Frisbee… not a…." Vixen started before


"ooh… pretty birdies… tweet, tweet… chirp, chirp" Vixen babbled dazedly, collapsing to the ground, snoring

"Ha! That outta teach her!" Robin boasted


"and that's all folks!" Robin quickly shouted, dashing away as the angry Dark Knight chased after him

"Hey! There's a manhole up ahead!" Dinah hollered, Batman ignoring her

"Don't be silly. If there was a manhole I know it'd be right HEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRREEEEE!" Batman hollered as he fell in the manhole, Dinah watching him plummet


"You ok down there?" Dinah asked

"You ok down there?" it echoed

"Ooh! Hello! How are you?" Dinah shouted

"Fine, thanks for asking!" the echo replied back

"GGGGGGRRRRRAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!" Batman growled, lunging at Dinah, Dinah quickly countered the attack by smacking Batman with a frying pan to the head


"Mother? I'm sorry I swam in your fettuccini mozzarella…" Batman babbled, falling to the floor

"Hello Dinah, how's it YAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Deathstroke screamed, his butt caught in a bear trap

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Hippolyta and Dinah laughed hysterically

"YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY? I'M GONNA COME OVER THERE AND…" Deathstroke threatened, slipping on a banana peel


"Oh thanks a lot, Slade, you squished my banana!" Nightwing exhaled in disgust

"Hey, hey, I got another idea…" Hippolyta giggled, whispering into Dinah's ear

"OOH!" Dinah exclaimed, whispering back into her mother's ear as Deathstroke tried to listen

"Hello Slade. Did you order a piano per chance?" Dinah asked, Hippolyta snickering behind her

"No, why?" Deathstroke foolishly asked as Dinah sped away

"LOOK OUT BELOW!" Hawkgirl hollered, snipping the piano cords away, making it fall towards Slade

"Oh… that piano" Deathstroke groaned, everyone covering their ears and bracing for impact


"So… know any good piano songs to play Slade? What's that? You have Prince Albert in a can? Well you better let the poor guy out!" Dinah joked, her and the others giggling insanely


"Lex Luthor speaking" Lex said, answering the phone

"Is your refrigerator running?" a disguised voice asked

"What?" Lex asked in shock

"WELL YOU BETTER CATCH IT BEFORE IT RUNS AWAY!" Dinah yelled, cackling maniacally

"Grrrr… those meddling Leaguers!" Lex snarled, opening the door to his office to get smacked in the face with a pie

"Hehehehehe… you… have…no…idea…how…long I wanted to do that" Mercy snickered, as Lex glared at her

"What do you have to say for yourself?!" Lex snarled as Mercy then spraypainted Kick Me on his back

"Well? I'm waiting for an AAAAAANNNNNSWWWWWWEEEERRRRRR!" Lex yelled, as Hope dropkicked him into the DC Elseworlds

"That was some clever work, sister" Hope grinned as she and Mercy burst out laughing

In Apokolips…

"Hey Granny? Knock-knock" Desaad asked annoyingly

"Grrrr… who's there?" the elderly tyrant hissed

"Pie" Desaad answered

"Pie who?" Granny Goodness replied before getting a pie in the face

"PIE IN THE FACE" Desaad shouted, him and the Female Furies laughing in amusement

"hey Granny, I got somethin' for your 100th birthday" Darkseid said, snickering

"I am not 100 years old and… WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" Granny shouted in outrage

"You've been officially committed to the New Genesis Seniors Home. Enjoy your stay" Darkseid giggled

"What… WHY I OUGHTA…" Granny hollered, about to knock Darkseid silly as a cane pulled her away

"Bon voyage, Granny! Be sure to clean your dentures and do some memory jogs!" Bernadeth called

"Put 'er there" Amazing Grace offered, her hand stretched toward Bernadeth

"GAAAAAGGGGGGHHAAAAAAA!" Bernadeth shrieked, getting electrocuted

"The joy buzzer. Gets 'em every time!" Amazing Grace chortled, slapping her knee

"Hey… that is… pretty funny" Bernadeth admitted, snickering

And that's a wrap! Stay tuned for more slapstick shenanigans in Chapter 2