Summary: She gripped the handle of the door, readying herself for anything. To fight, to kill, to flee, to die. But, when she opened the door she saw a man soaked wet, wearing the face she would never forget in her life. (and the one she hadn't seen in three years)
Dēservīre(Latin): serve well- root of deserve (di-zurv'): v. to have earned or to be given something because of the way you have behaved or the qualities you have
Touka opened her eyes to a grey sunless sky on a Sunday morning. She sat up and looked outside through the window beside her bed. The grey clouds hanging firmly above her head, not showing any sign of crawling away anytime soon.
It'll rain today, Touka sighed. This was a good thing and a bad thing for her. The rain would urge passersby to visit Re, seeking protections from the rain in comfy chairs and a warm cup of delicious coffee. But, there would be less passersby compared to other more cheerful Sundays. People would want to stay at home instead of going out on cloudy days. So, how business would run today was hard to tell. However, one thing was certain, she would still run her business.
Touka got up to take a short warm shower without bothering to make her bed. She put on a white blouse under her blue sweater, a matching blue skirt, and proceeded to apply a small amount of make-up. She took a few steps back to see her appearance more clearly in the mirror and after awhile nodded in satisfaction. She wasn't used to care so much about her appearance but this was a part of her job now, to look pleasant in front of her customers. Her human customers at least, which made up approximately 80% of the number of total customers. Besides, with Yomo and Shitty Nishiki as her coworkers, the job of pleasing her customers rested sorely on her shoulders. Think of it as a customer service.
Touka went out to the kitchen to make coffee for herself. She turned the TV on while sitting at the small round dinner table in the kitchen and sipping her coffee slowly. The weather forecast delivered the bad news she already knew, heavy rain was likely to befall Tokyo. She changed the channel to a news program telling her that a corrupt politician was sentenced to 5 years of prison, a shooting occurred in France, and then a ghoul attack in the 23th ward. Touka took a sharp breath and shut off the TV. It's been years since she could bear watching any news about ghouls on TV. She usually relied on Yomo to tell her any important news which was more than enough. She wouldn't need to hear any unnecessary news, just the ones endangering their safety and the safety of other ghouls in the 20th ward. These, Yomo would not likely fail to inform her.
Touka took her unfinished coffee into the sink and poured out the rest of the liquid. When she finished rinsing the cup, she braced herself against the sink and took a deep breath. There was an ache in her chest.
"Stupid ghouls," she muttered slowly, "Stupid CCG. Stupid people. Stupid world," and then her mind whispered in a long longing sigh, stupid Kaneki.
Touka hit her forehead lightly with her fist,"Stop it," she mumbled to herself and looked at the digital clock in the kitchen table. The number stopped at 7.32 a.m. She had planned to go later in the day because it was Yomo's turn to open the coffee shop, but she needed to get out of her apartment fast. To let herself be surrounded by millions of stimulus from the outside world to keep him out of her mind. So, she took her purse and an umbrella, put on her coat and heels and stepped out from her front door into the cold, windy, unforgiving morning.
Her day went uneventful. Surprisingly, the rain was light, steady, and intermittent instead of the heavy rain the weather forecast predicted. A steady numbers of customers kept jingling the bell above the front door of her cafe. They kept her busy and him away from her mind. She forced herself to smile and be polite and always-always- gave the coffees her best effort. Sometimes, she drew a cat or rabbit on the customers' drinks. Nothing but the best for the customers was what was written in almost every books about selling and that's what she did. She took her job seriously. It gave her a sense of normalcy, something to anchor her mind and keep the insanity at bay. Sometimes, when she let herself melted into the routines of Re, she even felt a spark of hope in her soul. Something that she tarnished right away because ghouls wasn't supposed to hope.
She was the last one in the shop since it was an unvoiced agreement that she would close the shop today. Yomo was going to search for food and scout for information. Shitty Nishiki was going on a date with Kimi, rain or no rain. She checked the locks twice before opening her umbrella and started to make her way back to her apartment. The rain kept falling in a steady, light streams. The lights from the streetlamps was reflected in the puddles and refracted by the water. Making the lights a funny shade of yellow. Hundreds and thousands of people passed her, holding a variety of colored umbrellas. She thought, seen from above, Tokyo must had been very beautiful right now.
Then her sharpened sensed felt it, a pair of eyes moved as she moved. Following her, observing her. Her heart pounding so hard, she could feel and hear it. Like a lump of meat pounding below her ears. She forced herself to ignore the instinct to run and slowed her pace instead. Who could it be?
Touka clenched her umbrella tighter, her mind racing to decide the right action. There were only two possibilities, a ghoul or a CCG investigator. But, she had been sure she was under the radar. It had been years since she acted out, since she did something that could attract any danger. She was so sure that she was safe. Yomo could sniff any danger miles and miles away, he would know if something was happening, if a danger lurked in the shadows she passed everyday. But, Yomo didn't say anything. He didn't look or act differently.
Could her sense be wrong? No. She's not wrong. She could feel the eyes so strongly. She could feel something else too in the gaze. Something that said it wasn't the gaze of a predator. But, that she could be wrong. She didn't like the sound of underestimating things. Especially, when so much was at stake. She looked for any signs of hastened footsteps coming toward her, but she heard nothing as such. She kept her eyes in front of her, trying to see any odd movements. Although, she didn't hope much, she knew whoever the person was, he was walking and blending in the crowd behind her.
What should I do? Touka asked herself almost in panic. Take a deep breath. She did. Try to calm down. She did what she could on that. Her heart was still racing like crazy. Go back to the apartment. Act like there's nothing wrong. Touka ordered herself, don't make odd or sudden movements. She kept her right hand on the umbrella and her left in the pocket of her coat like before although her hand was itching to take her phone out of her purse and call Yomo. But, she worried that it would alarm her spy. Besides, what could Yomo do anyway? The man was miles away from her. No matter how fast he was, he wouldn't be able to come here on time.
Maybe someone was just ordered to spy on her to determine she should be eliminated or not. The chance were higher if the spy was a CCG investigator. It didn't make sense though, she was not under their radar. Unless someone had ratted her out. But, if there's one thing she could count on her fellow ghouls, it was their hate toward CCG investigators. Nobody who knew she was a ghoul would rat her out to the CCG. It's not like the CCG were in the business to interrogate their victims. The ghouls would be killed first before they could say a word.
Then, if it was a ghoul, why did they follow her? Why didn't they confront her directly? No ghoul would follow her unless they wanted to corner her in a dark, empty alleys. Which was a likely thing. But, her mind argued, you have no ill business with any ghouls. If they wanted to fight though… better now than later.
Touka made a turn to an empty alley. This was a shortcut to her apartment which she only used twice before because she was in a hurry. The alley was between two high walls where empty private lands laid on the other sides. Nobody would hear the screams and sounds of the fight, if there was one. It's dark and quiet. The only sounds heard was rats trying to get some food in the trash bins or other kind of trash littered along the alleys. Because of the trash and the smell it produced, people tend to avoid walk even near it. The place was perfect for a fight.
She kept her eyes in front of her, forcing her legs moved in one slow step after another. Sharpening her senses, she was ready to fight. She wait for the right moment. But, instead of a kagune or quinque, the wind blew into her. And then nothing. She didn't feel the eyes again. It was gone. But, she didn't dare to lower her guard or fastened her pace until five minutes later she arrived in the building of her apartment. As she walked into the building she passed a couple she knew living above her apartment. A woman walked in front of her in tired steps, clearly wanting to fall into her bed as soon as possible.
She had human neighbors here, it would halt any CCG investigators. After all, shouldn't human lives be their priority? She snorted into the cold air. There were a lot of CCG investigators too crazily obsessed with ghouls they would kill anything in their way. But, at least, she was counting on the protocols and laws and the assumption that not all CCG investigators would break them.
She closed her umbrella and climbed the stairs to the third floor where her apartment stood. As soon as she closed the door, she slumped on the floor. She put her hand to her chest and tried to calm her heartbeat. It worked after a minute or two and she started to stand up. She put her wet umbrella in the metal bin in front of her and took off her heels. She threw out her purse and coat to her couch and went to the kitchen to make coffee, to comfort herself. But, as her hand touched the coffee maker, someone had ring the bell on the door.
Touka swore her heart stopped. She froze as fear gripped her body. She could make a run from here, jumping from third floor window was not impossible for her. But, she didn't know who that was. Friend or enemy. The person rang her doorbell after all. Who would do that if they wanted to kill her? They might not come here to harm her. Yet.
Touka, she ordered herself, move. Act normal. Open the door.
Touka forced herself to turn around and walk toward her door. Her heart was pounding but miraculously she could keep her breath steady. She gripped the handle of the door, readying herself for anything. To fight, to kill, to flee, to die. But, when she opened the door she saw a man soaked wet, wearing the face she would never forget in her life. If her heart was racing before, it almost came to a stop as she saw his face again. That face attracted her like magnet. Her legs felt like noodles and she tightened her hands on the door handle. The aches she felt earlier this morning was amplified tenfold. What in the hell name is he doing here?
The first syllable of his name almost escaped her lips in a whisper. His true name. But, she halted herself and thought in a bittersweet tone, he was not him anymore. He was a CCG investigator now. Far away from her, didn't remember her, but happier than he had ever been before. Still, he's an investigator. The word pounded in her head and she felt the dreaded worry slowly coming to reality.
No. A voice in her head said firmly. He wouldn't hurt her, no matter who he had become. She had faith in him. So, she composed her lips into a smile and started to talk. Hoping her voice wasn't shaking as her hands on the door handle and her quivering heart did.
"Sasaki sensei, right?" she inquired politely but the man in front of her didn't respond. Still she continued, "I remember you coming to Re….." she creased her forehead into a frown, "I am sorry. But, why are you here, sensei?"
The man didn't answer her right away. She noticed something different on him. He was wearing black. Black shirt and black tie and black pants. She remembered he used to wear a striped white and black pants and a white tie. His hair had also changed… before, it was white on the tip and black on the root…. now it was all black. Like Kaneki. Her eyes widened as the realization started to dawn on her. Her violets orbs gazed into his grey ones. They didn't hold the same cheery optimistic gaze Sasaki Haise had. His eyes looked at her with pain, emptiness, and… longing. The same gaze she saw years ago in the eyes of the same man that was now in front of her. But, in a different time, felt almost a different era, and maybe they were different men, on the inside at least. The machine in her mind clicked at the same time he whispered her name.
She didn't know what to think. Her mind screamed he's back!….he's back! Her brain went into overdrive processing that information. She knew she had frozen in place, not even blinking or drawing breath. Shocked with this turn of event.
"May I… come in…" his voice floated to her eardrums. This added stimulus slowing the machine in her brain, ceasing the voice in her mind into a whisper. In turn, she felt something started to boil inside of her, anger. A misplaced anger coming from the fact that he had left her, abandoned her. She knew this feeling was inappropriate and if she learned anything in the past three years, it was that she would never let her anger taking control of her ever again.
Be rational, be patience. Her superego1 commanded. Be strong. So, she pushed her anger back into the depth of her sea of emotions causing another completely different form of feeling bubbled into the surface. Longing. She missed him, greatly, endlessly.
"Is it safe?" she croaked. His being here made her feel like her energy was sucked out of her.
"It's safe," he nodded his confirmation.
Touka felt the strength came back to her legs and she opened the door wider then took a few steps back. Kaneki took a step and entered her apartment.
"Stay," a voice unlike hers said. Shit, Touka scorned herself. She didn't supposed to say that. She lowered her eyes, feeling a blush started to color her cheeks. She added hastily, "You're soaked. You're going to make a mess of my floor. I'll get you a towel,"
Touka turned around and walked to her room as fast as she can to get a clean towel without actually running. There was a fear inside of her that he would turn his back and leave without another word. That this was the last time that she would see him. That this was his goodbye to her. But, she had to do something, move or walk away from him for awhile. Her pride didn't let her stood there, stared at him with a clear longing in her eyes. Trying so hard not to run toward him and pull him in a tight embrace because those were the only things that she extremely wanted to do.
When she came back to the front of her apartment, he was still standing there. As straight and firm as an iron rod. She hid her sigh of relieve and handed him the towel. Their hands brushed for a moment too long and she wanted to hold his hand. Feeling his skin again. But, a sting in her heart and eyes made her pulled her arm back like she touched electric current.
"Thank you…" Kaneki said.
She warped her hands around herself, "I am going to get you some clothes. I still have Ayato's clothes somewhere. Get in. You can wait in the living room but don't sit on the couch," she led him into her living room and left to get some clothes for him. All Ayato's clothes are still lays haphazardly inside his bedroom closet nobody touched for years. She certainly never did. She came to this room occasionally to clean all the dust covering the tables, floor, and bed. But she never touched his closet.
She opened the closet and she didn't like the feeling the furniture evoked inside of her. Not actually the furniture itself, but what's inside of it. All Ayato's belongings he left behind, she threw in this closet in anger. Not just his clothes, but also his video games, tapes, books, bags and shoes. She just threw them and she thought she had broken the video games because she heard a crack sounded from the closet when she threw it inside.
Ignoring all the other stuffs, she focused herself to find Ayato's biggest clothes. He was just 14 years old when he left. His clothes wouldn't fit Kaneki. But, her brother liked to wear clothes too big for him. Said that it was his style, but she knew better. He just liked being inside those clothes, feeling the warm enveloping his body, comforting him.
Finally, after searching few minutes too long she found a white pants and an oversized blue sweater she thought would fit Kaneki. These were at least better than her own clothes as the image of Kaneki wearing her clothes made her snorted a laugh. She took the clothes into her living room where Kaneki already had his shirt off. She paused before he could see her and stared at his naked upper body. The toned abdominal muscle and broad chest definitely not how she remembered his body years ago. She felt heat ignited inside her and her face warmed when she realized that she was aroused by the sight of a shirtless Kaneki.
Shit, Touka, she berated herself, what the hell are you thinking? It's not the fucking time for this. Never this.
The anger toward her feelings translated itself into the anger toward the man in front of her. "What the hell are you doing?" Touka scolded Kaneki, already burying any evidence of blush into the thick tense air.
Kaneki turned to face her, looking at her eyes with emptiness in his. "I am changing my clothes," Kaneki answered flatly as if the answer was obvious, "you said you'll bring some clothes for me,"
"I didn't say you can change your clothes now," she knew she felt annoyed at him so irrationally, but sometimes she couldn't help it when it wasn't going to put her or anyone else in danger. Then, a nostalgic feeling resurfaced from memories of many years ago. How many times had she scolded him before? How many times did he get on her nerves? Everytime and always, at first. Then, the feelings had evolved into something else differently before she could stop it.
"Don't get naked in other people's houses without their permissions," she threw her brother's clothes at him. Kaneki caught them with his arms. His eyes moved from the clothes to her eyes and he let out a small almost imperceptible smile which flustered her. She could feel a blush started to make its way again to her cheek. The force made her lowered her head, again.
Not again, Touka. Get out of here.
"I am gonna…make you a cup of coffee," she glanced at him once more but he was in the middle of putting on her brother's sweater, his face hidden by the fabric of the clothes. She turned around and walked to the kitchen for a badly needed coffee.
She had just poured the coffee into the second cup when she heard footsteps in her kitchen.
"Don't walk around at other people's houses without the owners' permissions," she scolded him again without looking back at him as she finished pouring the coffee into the cup. When she did turn around the sight greeting her was almost so comical and she would laugh if the air around her wasn't too thick and tense. Her brother white pants just reached Kaneki's lower shin, it's not too tight on him though. A fate that was not shared by the sweater, everybody could see that the sweater was a few size smaller for him. Too short an inch or two of his abdominal skin was shown for all the world to see. Too tight it looks like he was suffocating. Too tight she could see every newly gained muscle of his upper body. But, Touka didn't say anything.
"I lock your door," Kaneki broke the silence between them.
"Oh, thank you" she looked away from his eyes and took the two cups onto the small round dining table in the kitchen and took a seat. "Sit down," she ordered Kaneki and motioned at the chair across from her. Kaneki did as he was told and took the cup in front of him. He sipped it slowly at first, and then again and again until he finished it in two minutes.
"It's hot you know," Touka finally said after two minutes of silence and observing him without even touching her own cup.
"I am immune to the heat," Kaneki told her, he didn't look at her but instead caressing the edge of the cup with his forefinger, " I miss your coffee,", he added.
She should feel flattered. But, honestly what he said was nothing to her but a bitter feeling of anger. But, she could take a hold of herself, taking over the anger and push it down. "You're the one following me earlier," she stated. She didn't asked, she knew it was him.
He nodded. Still caressing his cup. Still refusing to look at her. This made her anger resurfaced. After what he did, after he left and forget about her, how dare he treat her like this? She didn't deserve this. But, she quelled her emotions, knowing that anger would not help the situation right now.
"Why?" her voice was sterner, firmer, her anger infused the tone without her even aware of it.
"I wanted to make sure you're safe," he answered, still refusing to look at her.
Touka took a deep breath. Be Calm. Be calm. "Well, I am safe now. So, what are you doing here?"
He didn't give her an answer.
Touka felt her anger raised a notch no matter how much of an effort she gave to suppress it. She looked at Kaneki for a long minute and decided to change tactic, "You regain your memory, I see," she told him, mimicking his movements and caressing her full cup of coffee the way he did, "How?" she asked. She noticed Kaneki's finger stopped. His eyes focused on her fingers instead. For a reason, this almost made her lost control over her anger. She stopped the motion of her fingers and instead fisted them around her cup of coffee. "Whose side are you on?" she asked through gritted teeth. She felt the warmth of the coffee seeped to her fingers.
He still didn't give her an answer.
"Damn it, Kaneki!" she snapped and slapped the table, hard. The cups gave a clang as they were overturned and the coffee from her cup spilled onto the table. But, none of them noticed.
"FUCK YOU!" she gave into her anger and let it took control of her, "IF YOU DIDN'T EVEN GOING TO LOOK AT ME, ACKNOWLEDGE, DEIGN YOURSELF TO TALK TO ME. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HERE?" she paused as she tried to take control of herself again but Kaneki still wasn't looking at her. The fingers of his right hand curling in a tight fist. She had enough.
"Get out of here," this, she let out in a whisper as if she was too tired, too hopeless to have any energy to say the words in a decent tone. But, she kept her posture. Standing straight as her pride didn't let her to sit down, although her left hand held the table tightly as if she needed it to support herself.
Touka looked at the tiles of her floor as she heard Kaneki stood up and walked. But to her surprise, he didn't walked away instead his footsteps sounded like they were going toward her. She looked up in confusion, her lips opened in the middle of asking, what are you doing? But, Kaneki's lips crushed against hers and silenced the rest of her words.
The first thing that registered to her mind was the softness of his lips. Then how warm it was. She liked it. Her eyes widen as she realized that they were kissing. She let him kissed her. No, this is not happening, she thought and started to push him away but he wrapped his arms around her waist. Pulling her closer to him, filling her senses with the feel of his skin and the scent of his body. The logical part of her mind melted as she herself melted against the warmth and hardness of him. Her hands no longer fighting, instead she put them on his broad chest. Her right palm feeling the racing of his heart. She choked a whimper as those heartbeats vaporized her anger and soothed the incredible aches of longing in her chest. She closed her eyes and parted her lips and felt his tongue started a battle of instinctive and primal dance against her own. He pulled away first and she almost leaned over to take back his lips. But, she stopped before she could do it.
He's panting. They're both did. They needed the pause to breath. They were still so close. His hands on her waist and her hands on his chest. She's looking into his grey eyes and then wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down for another kiss. He let out a guttural groan as once more their tongue danced. His hands wrapped around her back, pulling her impossibly close against him. He lifted her and she wrapped her legs around his back, still kissing him. An invisible fogs moved around them as passion and love and longing dulled their minds and made them forget about everything except the feeling of each other.
Touka didn't realized that he had moved until she felt the sheet at her back when he laid her down on her bed so very gently. Her bed. Her brain didn't even think to ask how he knew the location of her room. How long had he been watching her? Instead, her brain was too busy processing the feeling of his soft hair on her left hand and his body on her right and how she wanted to feel his skin and not the fabric of her brother's sweater.
She could feel his hands unbuttoning her blouse and she took it upon herself to take off his sweater and then finished unbuttoning her blouse and took it off. She was wearing a plain white bra but strangely she didn't feel embarrassed at all. Kaneki's eyes focused on her newly exposed skin, his lids were heavy with lust. Impatiently, she pulled him down above her and kissed his now swollen lips.
After a few minutes of kissing, Kaneki's lips moved to suck on her jaw and then her neck. Touka let out the moan at the sensation. As if encouraged by the sound, Kaneki moved his right hand to squeeze Touka's breast through her bra. His left hand caressing the side of her stomach. She shivered at the touch and moaned his name.
"Take it off," Kaneki spoke for the first time. His voice no longer flat, but heavy and deep. Carrying impatience in its commanding tone. She should feel something, after all his silence was what angered her before. He spoke now but to tell her to take off her bra in the middle of a lust fueled kisses and caresses. This action should have snapped her back to the ways of reasons. But, it didn't. What those words actually did was to make her wanted to feel his hands and lips on her breasts even more. She was screwed. He messed her up.
She unclasped her bra and threw it to the floor. Kaneki made a noise (almost sounded like a growl) on the back of his throat at the sight of her breasts and her pink nipples. Pathetically, that made her feel good. He kissed her once and squeezed both of her bare breasts gently. He pulled away and gazed intensely into her violet orbs. "Touka …" he whispered almost in awe. "I-I…" he seemed at lost, looking for words that either wouldn't come to his mind or couldn't say out loud.
She knew what he wanted to say though. She understood what his eyes were trying to communicate. She put a finger on his lips, stopping his unvoiced words, "I know. And I'm not going anywhere. I'm here for you to come back to,"
His eyes glazed and he buried his face to her shoulder. She could feel him choked a sob and she kissed his hair. At that moment, she almost said it. The words already on the tip of her tongue. But, she didn't give them a voice. Something told her that this wasn't the right moment. She had to wait. That didn't make her stop thinking it though. The words bouncing in her head. I love you.
"You're so beautiful,"
He was back kissing her throat again. He lowered his lips, kissing her cleavage, and kept kissing her southward until he was sucking on her nipples. She moaned and arched her back. Hands on his head, ruffling his hair, keeping him on her chest.
Kaneki gave both her nipples equal attention as he sucked and licked them gently. She answered his ministrations by pulling down his hips and made their hips flushed against each other. Both of them let out a hiss of pleasure at the contact as the heat between her legs and the hardness inside his pants demanded to be relieved. He held up her chin with his left hand, forcing her to look straight at him. Their gaze were heavy with lust. He kissed her again and grinded his hips against her. They let out a moan into each other's mouth.
She felt Kaneki's hands travelled down to her knees and then caressing her thighs. Her body shivered under him. His hands found her panties and he pulled it down to her thighs as she arched her body to ease his effort. But, it would still be easier if he could just sit up for awhile, but he seemed reluctant and so was she. She didn't want to lose the feel of his body. So, she turned their bodies sideways. In respond, Kaneki took her into his arms but didn't complain. In this position it was easier to take off her panties.
"Take it off," she whispered into his mouth before kissing him again, mirroring his earlier words. He did so without any more difficulties and threw the underwear to the growing pile of clothes on the floor as the lovers kept reveling in their passion.
His hand soon found her wet core and she pulled away from his lips to take a sharp breath at the sensation. He maintained her gaze as his hand parted her nether lips and inserted his finger. She parted her lips and felt a sting at first at the unfamiliar feeling of an object other than her own fingers inside her. Her breath went faster and faster as he slowly pulled his finger and then thrust it again inside her. He did it several times more and throughout they gaze into the deep of each other's eyes. Touka's right hand went to his face and touched his cheek.
"I want you," she panted, "I need you. Now" her voice commanding him.
He pulled out his finger and sat up and took off his pants. She almost growled at the lack of skin touching between them. But, his erect cock sprang up and shut her up.
Touka's eyes widen as she stared at his manhood for the first time. She could see vein pulsing with blood. It was quite big and long she thought although she didn't have any reference to compare it with since it was her first time ever looking at a man's erect penis. Other penises she saw were on the pages of her biology textbook. Her thoughts were stopped short by the burning need between her legs. She took off her skirt, exposing her naked body to Kaneki. For the first time since this started, she felt almost embarrassed. Almost. But, Kaneki pushed her down on the bed. He was on top of her, between her parted legs. She could feel his manhood touching her thigh. She felt the hardness and the heat of him. He took his cock in his hand and put it at the entrance of her nether lips. Touka circled her hands around his neck and pulled him down for a kiss.
"Go on," she said against his lips.
Kaneki buried his head on her neck as he pushed slowly inside her. He let out a groan at the sensation of her heat enveloping him. Touka buried her face on his shoulder, pulling him against her. She winced when she felt the sting, signifying the loss of her would-not-be-missed virginity. He kept pushing slowly, steadily, until he's fully sheathed inside her and he let out a breath. She could feel the heat of his short breaths on her neck and hear the moan of her name in a worshipful tone,"Touka-chan…"
She pulled him closer to her and kissed his neck. "Move…" she whispered back and he did. He pulled out slowly at first and then push back at the same speed. He did it again two more times and she could feel the stings dulling and pleasure starting to replace it. The slow pace wasn't enough for her anymore. "Faster…" she moaned, "Harder…"
He pulled out almost completely and then pushed hard. She gasped his name at the feeling,"Kaneki," He pulled his head from her neck and looked at her eyes. His lips parted and he panted in pleasure. He pulled out almost completely again before pushing back hard. They let out a moan at the same time. He kissed her then and she opened her lips and kissed him back. Kaneki started to move faster. Soon he was pounding into her. For awhile the only sounds that could be heard in the room were the thumps of flesh on flesh and the moans that escaped their lips.
She could feel something rising in her."Kaneki," she gasped loudly as one particular thrust touched a very very pleasurable nerve inside her. He pulled out and thrust again hitting that particular spot once more and she exploded, screaming his name. She felt her body went into spasms in a pleasure she never experienced before even in the moments of orgasm after she pleasured herself. This one was different, more intense. Her inside squeezed him and he let out a groan as she felt his body shake with the effort of his orgasm. She could feel him twitching inside of her and then warmth spread in her lower belly.
He was panting into her shoulder as she panted into his. They laid just like that with sweaty tangled limbs until their bodies cooled down and their breaths slowed into a steady mechanical inhales and exhales. She didn't mind the weight as he slumped into her. She liked that he was so close. But, he pulled out of her, leaving her empty and missing him already although he was right there, laying on the bed beside her.
She felt her energy left her, leaving her exhausted but content. She couldn't move. She didn't want to move. In this moment of relaxation, she felt her mind restarted, turning on the gears of the machine inside her head. The realization of her action, of what she let him did, came to her in flashes. She shouldn't let him. She knew she deserved better than someone who left her again and again. She deserved someone who would stay for her. But, the world had fated her heart to love him, not anyone else. And she knew when morning came, maybe even before, he would leave.
She felt the stings in her eyes and turned her body sideways, facing away from him. She hated herself for it, showing him her weakness in the question that she wanted to ask. But, she needed to. "When will you leave again?" her voice almost a whisper.
It was met with silence. Nothing but heavy breathing from the man beside her.
Then she felt his arms pulling her into his chest. She felt his lips on the back of her neck. His hands holding hers. But she didn't need this. She needed him to stay. But, he wouldn't and she wouldn't force him for anything. He's too broken to stay for anyone. He's too broken to find happiness anywhere. She just wanted him to be happy, nothing more. He wouldn't be, no longer could.
But, he could find small happiness in short times.
"I will come back," he answered. She could feel his warm breaths and the feeling of his hands squeezing hers. She accepted as the best thing she could get, so she closed her eyes, the sound of his breaths lulling her into a deep dreamless sleep.
She was asleep but he couldn't. He could only watch her as she was sleeping the world away.
When she woke up in the morning, she was not surprised that the side of her bed was cold and empty.
He'll come back to her. She had faith in him.
Superego: hope everybody already know this one, referring to the voice in your head telling you what you should or shouldn't do.