Aw, Nuts!

by WSJ

WSJ: *sighs deeply* Well... I am very, very depressed right now, so, in the traditional way of all depressed angst-writers, two negatives make a possitive and I shall attempt a humor fic.

Elyssa: So why are you so depressed?

WSJ: *tear rolls down her cheek* I feel like a failure! I went to a writer's contest today, and I got ranked miserably! I don't know why I even bother... I'm too stubborn to give up writing, it's all I know! But what if, after years and years of work, nothing ever comes of it? Am I really just fooling myself into thinking I'm some great writer?

Alex: *slightly horrified* Don't talk like that! The judges are just idiots!

WSJ: *sniffles* I guess so...

Elyssa: So why don't you tell us what this fic is about?

WSJ: *smiles weakly* Well, my best friend and I were getting a little silly during English class Friday, since we were done taking finals and more then a little hyper. I don't remember which one of us came up with this, but I agreed to write it so... *shrugs* Here I am.

Disclaimer: Guess. I dare you. :p

Notes: This isn't a true Ryou-angst fic. It's more of a parody on every Ryou-angst story ever done, including my own. ^_~ My best friend and I seriously need to get a life...

Summery: Over the course of his beatings on Ryou, Bakura has used every dirty trick in the book at least twice. Except one. Now, he accidentally/on purpose hits Ryou in the worst place possible... *cackles*

/..../ hikari to yami

//....// yami to hikari


Ryou was late.


He'd had to stay after school in detention for falling asleep in class, so now he was sprinting home, trying to reach it before his yami's set curfew, which had passed away into nothingness twenty minutes ago. Still, he could hope, right?

Apparently not. As soon as Ryou opened the door, he came nose to nose with a very, very angry ex-tomb robber. "Well, little hikari," he hissed, kicking the door closed behind Ryou. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"I-I- I'm sorry B-Bakura!"

"Oh come on now, you can do better then that," Bakura said, backing Ryou up against the wall with his very presence. The white-haired boy trembled like a leaf, and Bakura's smirk widened. Grabbing Ryou by the collar he hauled the smaller teen toward the stairs. He climbed them, making sure to knock Ryou's head against the wall at least twice.

They reached Ryou's room, and Bakura threw the shaking boy into the center of the room, standing over him with a triumphant smirk on his face. "Beg little Ryou!" he sneered. "I want to hear you beg."

"P-please Bakura, d-don't h-hurt me!"

"Please who?" Bakura asked, grabbing a handful of Ryou's long white hair and yanking hard, causing tears to come to his aibou's eyes.


"Very good, you've said the magic word. I'll let you keep you filthy life. But not without a few bruises." He threw Ryou back to the ground and delivered a sharp kick to the boy's side, causing him to gasp in pain. He was just about to launch another, when a door slammed downstairs.

Vaguely the voice of Ryou's father drifted up to them. "Ryou, I'm home!"

Growling at the interruption to his fun, Bakura turned and launched one more kick at the boy on the floor, giving it a lot of extra driving force. Unfortunately, Ryou had just rolled over and was in the process of scrambling on hands and knees to safety.

Bakura's kick landed in the worst possible spot for poor Ryou. The universal Weak Point of all men. Ryou's eyes bulged, and so did Bakura's, both for different reasons. Bakura didn't know whether to fall over in a fit of laughter or wince sympatheticly. All Ryou could do was imitate an opera star. In the soprano range.



The next day at school, Yugi was the first to notice something was wrong. "Hey Ryou, you've been really quiet all day. Are you all right?" Yugi had also noticed that Ryou had been sitting as little as possible, choosing instead to stand, his feet slightly spread apart. Usually Yugi wouldn't have cared how Ryou stood, except that he knew the white-haired boy usually stood ram-rod strait with his feet together, like a soldier at attention.

Ryou nodded and said in a squeaky voice, "Hai Yugi, I'm fine."

"Are ya' sure man?" Jou asked from Ryou's other side. "Ya' sound like you've been suckin' helium or somethin'."

"I'm fine," Ryou muttered in a voice that made Mickey Mouse sound like a baritone. He shifted in his seat, which the teacher had made him sit in, and then winced at the pain it brought.

Needless to say, Bakura thought all of this was hillarious, and was laughing hysterically inside his soulroom. The spirit's dignity was thrown to the wind where no one could see him, and he was on the floor of his soulroom, pounding his fists on the stone floor and kicking his feet into the air, tears of mirth running down his face.

/Shut up!/ Ryou yelled internally at him, while his face colored slightly.

//Hahaha! Even your mental voice sounds like Anzu on steroids!!!// Bakura hooted. //By Ra! Why didn't I think of kicking you there sooner?!//

The color on Ryou's cheeks darkened, half from embarrassment and half from anger. /Don't make me come up there!/

//What're you going to do, squeak at me?//

That was the last straw. Dispite the fact that he was in the middle of class, Ryou closed his eyes and willed himself into his soulroom. He stomped over to the door and flung it open, mincing his steps slightly. He then stormed (gently) across the hall and threw open the door to Bakura's soulroom, something he'd never dared do before.

Bakura was still on the floor, and when he looked up and saw Ryou silhoetted in the doorway, his legs spread wide, he burst into another fit of giggles, rolling over onto his back and pulling his knees up to his chest.

Unfortunatly for him, he failed to see the folly in this until Ryou planted a kick firmly between his legs.



Yami-Yuugi jerked upright from the nap he'd been taking in his soulroom while Yugi was in school. He could have sworn he heard a scream. Sleepily he opened the door to his soulroom and stuck his head out into the hall. Nothing. Well, nothing he could see.

Yami had a vague theory that either end of the corridor that his and Yugi's soulrooms split off of was actually connected to the soulrooms of he other Millenium Items. Yami had actually explored this idea once, and had come within sight of Malik and Ishtar's soulrooms before making a hasty retreat.

But the scream had come from the opposite direction, which meant the Bakuras. But it had been really high-pitched...

Yami chuckled to himself and went back into his soulroom. "You go Ryou,"



WSJ: *smiles sheepishly* Reviews please...

God bless minna-san!