Disclaimer: BTVS and all likeness shown in this story is the property of Joss Whedon. I don't own anything.

Memories of May

By Safire

Prologue: The Reset

Ben laid on the ground broken and bloodied but not dead. Buffy stared down at him, her hammer suddenly too heavy with the coat of blood stuck to it.

"B...bbb…b...buffy please…. Gl...glory won't..." He trailed off, hacking on the words. She knew what he was going to say: Glory won't stop. Even with her plans foiled she won't stop. She would kill them all in revenge. Buffy knew she should kill Ben to stop her.

But Ben was human. Ben was nice. Ben was going to be a doctor. It would only take one swing and a sickening thunk and then Ben would be dead. Determined, her hands tightened around the troll hammer. Why couldn't he just be Glory? Glory was evil. Glory was trying to end the world. Glory was Ben. Her job was to stop people like Glory by any means possible. Killing Ben was a necessary evil that she had to perform. Any other Slayer in her position would do it without a second thought.

Then Ben smiled up at her with a sad little curl of his mouth. Her stomach seemed to sink; it was the same smile he'd used when she first met him; back when Ben had just been a nice guy wanting to help her deal with her mom's illness.

Truly, letting Ben live was a failure of massive proportion. Yet Buffy couldn't take his life. She imagined killing him. She felt the whoosh of the hammer as she drove it into Ben's head, leaving behind red drops of blood on her clothes and a crushed skull below her feet. And it made Buffy's stomach lurch.

Suddenly the hammer slid unceremoniously out of her hand, dropping beside Ben on the ground. She couldn't do it. All the killing and the death it was too much.

Somewhere behind her energy crackled to life and the wind gave an aching groan. Buffy turned to the looming tower; it moaned and swayed like an old man trying to get up off the ground. Buffy knew that if she didn't move then Dawn would die. She would not let her sister die – and she would not let the world end.

Death was her gift and she suddenly knew what the first slayer meant. She loved Dawn. She loved Dawn enough to die in her place. Buffy climbed the tower as fast as she could. Every shift of the structure threatened to throw her off but she kept climbing. By the time she got to the top two silhouettes stood against the portal's bright swirl of electricity.

The platform wobbled with every step Buffy took as she moved closer to the figures at the end. The silhouette holding the knife it was some creepy little demon man, who she didn't know, but there was no time to dwell on it; the man had a knife to Dawn and that wasn't acceptable. Buffy jerked him away from Dawn before tossing him off the platform with as much effort as it would take someone to toss a coke can out the window of a car.

"It's okay, Dawn. I'm here now," Buffy reassured her sister, pulling off the bindings around her hands.

Dawn stared at Buffy trying to memorize her face. There was only one way to close the roaring portal at the end of the platform, the key had to be destroyed. Dawn was the key. She couldn't hide from it. If she was honest she wasn't even real. Everything she liked and didn't like was a falsehood. She didn't have friends because they were made for her not by her. Her entire identity as Dawn Summers, the little Sister of the Slayer, was manufactured by some dead monks. Despite knowing all that Buffy still saw Dawn as her sister and Dawn knew her sister would do anything to protect her. Dawn swallowed a lump in her throat. Buffy would do anything including jump into the portal to save Dawn's life.

Maybe Dawn could let her. Maybe it could save the world but what if it didn't? What if Buffy jumped and died and the world still ended all because Dawn selfishly wanted to live like Ben had. Was it selfish to want to live? No, living things want to keep living. And yes, Dawn wanted to live. And Buffy jumping could save the world. But what if it didn't kept screaming in Dawn's head. And even if it did could SHE live knowing her sister died because of her? The answer was simple, no. Death was Dawn's destiny. Buffy would be sad for a while true, but she would move on. After all Buffy had real friends, had real things she liked and didn't like, and most importantly the world still needed her. What could Dawn Summers possibly do for the world except die to save it?

Tears fell down Dawn's cheeks. Would she just cease to be or would she get to go to heaven? Would she get to remember the bump on her sister's nose or the curve of her mother's smile? Dawn exhale one last shaky breath. She had to die and she was okay with that. Resigned to her fate Dawn gave Buffy one last hug, "No it's not okay. Not yet anyway. I love you." Slowly Dawn backed toward the edge of the platform.

Buffy grabbed Dawn's arms, "What are you doing?" She attempted to wipe the tears from Dawn's cloudy blue eyes like Joyce had done for her many times throughout her life. Dawn didn't understand; yet she didn't have to die. It was Buffy's job. 'She was the Slayer. She was destined to die young. In fact there was a whole prophecy about it in some musty book Giles showed her. It said I didn't die then and this moment was why.'

The portal continued to swirl and screamed just a few feet away while tearing reality apart waiting impatiently for the Summer's blood to close and seal it. She had to close the portal so Dawn could live. There wasn't much time left.

Dawn sobbed, and looked up at Buffy, "It's not all bad Buff. There's seeing mom again. I really miss her, you know." The Tower shook violently knocking Buffy off her feet. Quickly Buffy scrambled upright only to see Dawn rushing forward. Buffy chased after her. The Platform shook and rocked forward as Dawn leapt into the portal. Buffy leapt after her trying to pull Dawn back onto the platform, but it was too late. Dawn transformed into light and then began to fade. Buffy washed in horror as Dawn's essence faded in front of her before finally exploding into a bright green light that enveloped the whole town. Buffy shot back onto the platform as she moaned a soulful cry of NOOOOO.

It was over and the soulful cry turned into a quiet sigh of exhaustion. Existence seemed to stop. The wind stopped blowing, the tower stopped moving and groaning in submission. Not a creature around seemed to be able to breathe. The world around Buffy was utterly still except for those below the tower. Willow and Xander ran towards Giles standing beside Ben's body on the ground while Tara and Anya followed after their partners. Something needed to be done but everyone was at a loss of what to do next. 'Was this the end of the world?' had been the only thought going through their shaken minds. Certainly the green flash of light and sudden feel of nothingness felt like an end to something but that something still felt vague, unfinished really. Though the world did seem frozen in time this was hardly the worse possible scenario for the ending of the planet. But the look of fear and bewilderment in their eyes gave rise to a silent understanding that only the seven of them were trapped inside this frozen pre-dawn world and it was terrifying to say the least.

So much so that no one even noticed that Buffy was still standing on top of the tower staring at the spot where only moment before Dawn had been. No one... except for Spike. He didn't care about the end of the world. He never did really. Instead Spike was clambering back up the tower; rushing with a silent determination to reach Buffy. It was as if she were about to jump after Dawn. 'Maybe she would,' Spike thought. Dawn was dead, Joyce was dead, and the world was over, Buffy had nothing left. 'She may jump,' and Spike couldn't let that happen. He had failed the woman he loved enough for tonight. Now he needed to protect her and Spike was pushing everything to the side for a little bit. 'Oh God Little Bit is gone,' Spike swallowed back the thought climbing closer to Buffy.

Yet he couldn't get the thought out of his head, Dawn was dead. In fact Spike had led Dawn to her death weeks ago and he didn't even know it. It was almost funny; the big bad vampire killed a girl he was trying to help her. It was just like every plan he had since coming to Sunnydale. 'I'm going to save my sire and reclaim her love. Sorry Charlie you're not demon enough for her! Okay fine, I'm going to get the Gem of Amara and kill the Slayer! Not gonna happen, no, no, no, you're going to get a chip in your head, that will defang you. Bugger it I'll get the chip out and kill the Slayer! Nope, no way you're going to fall in love with her instead. Trying to help a little girl bring her mother back to life should'a just killed her myself.' He would laugh, but that thick lump in his throat threaten to turn any laughter into a heart aching sob.

Spike stood behind Buffy needing to say something but words seemed to be meaningless. She was standing there looking at the spot where the portal had been. Was she frozen too? But her heart was still beating and breath still echoed from her body so she couldn't be frozen. 'Maybe she was can atonic again.' He sputtered, "God Buffy, I'm sorry." He gently touched the back of her shoulder.

The brush of Spike's cool hand on Buffy's back brought her back into reality. She whirled around to face him with a sense of failure resting tight on her chest. Her mother was dead, her sister was dead, and the world was over; there was nothing left for her. She crumbled into Spike's arms not because she wanted him in any meaningful way but because he was there. 'Mom liked him; Dawn liked him, so maybe he wasn't so bad. And he's here.' He was the only solid thing around her at the moment and she needed that. She cried into his shoulder staining his soft black shirt with salt.

Now it was Spike's turn to be frozen. Buffy was hugging him and he didn't know what to do. He had massively failed her and she was holding on to him for dear life. He was absolutely flummoxed by the situation. He had expected to be thrown back off the tower or dusted for daring to speak to her but instead she threw herself into his arms. Nearly knocking him off his feet; with nothing else to do, he gave into her warm embrace and wrapped his strong arms around her. Unable or unwilling to stop himself, he nuzzled the top of her head inhaling her scent that reminded him little too much of Dawn. He couldn't stop them anymore. Buffy was in his arms and he hated the reason why. Finally gets to hold the girl of his dreams and it was because the one girl in the entire world that saw any good in him was dead. Gradually tears started to fall from his eyes.

Buffy pulled looked up at the sudden moisture on the top of her head. Spike was crying. In that moment his blue eyes looked just like Dawns and it was a kick in the stomach. She couldn't hate him anymore because he had Dawn's eyes. And how had Buffy never noticed that before; but there they were, sparkling blue filled with tears, staring down at her looking as lost as Dawn's had at the end. And just like Dawn she brushed them away.

Only Spike grabbed her hand holding it pressing a kiss into it. "Buffy..." he lamented. He was about to say something else but as suddenly as the world froze it started to speed backwards. As if someone had hit rewind on everyone's life. Buffy and Spike looked at each other one last time before they were ripped apart and spun through their lives now in reverse. If at any moment of time they were in the same room they tried to speak to one another but the effort was nauseating. They sped and sped; further and further apart until Buffy stood in hallway of her house and Spike was standing alone in his crypt with the telly on. Both felt utterly alone.

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