Sephesis rantfic. Just a spur-of-the-moment thing.
As if the ship doesn't have enough angst xD
Hope you somehow enjoy, even if it's short.
Not Because, But Because...
"Successfully deceive me with a lie and I'll hang around longer tonight."
It's a beginning that's just beyond…bad. the kind that would incite a "what even" eyebrow cock from Gen if he's the one at the receiving end.
Seph really wishes he could say in some appropriate, unobtrusive manner – it's the simple yet meaningful brilliance of it not being "I won't leave tonight" that gets to him…of course, he doesn't say it. Not because it went unspoken, but because as ironically chill as they are with each other, it's still eggshells they're walking on. sure, they're cushioned with soft sand.
but they're still eggshells.
Deep-golden sand, smooth as baby skin, goes with Gen's striking sapphire eyes. not necessarily because it quenches but because it, by definition, pierces.
Seph's been able to use the word sand, rip its cool baptism…and sure, it's not related to hourglasses nor dunes nor deserts as dared.
Sand is Gen's unbelievably-pure laughter, golden and priceless as when its particles peacefully plummet. An underrated relative of shimmering glitter- captivating when it flows and even when settled and listless on the flat plane of mutual muteness, mutual
"I'm fine with just enjoying your presence," still precious.
It's been a long time since Seph has realized that indulging mental debates of "does it really matter whether he returns whatever I give, if my hope of him looking at me with feelings and not just mere words really worth it" is just pointless. not because the answer is unconsoling and tragic, but because Gen has given him far more things to be grateful for rather than to pine for further.
1."I will leave – "
Now that was the true lie, in all interpretations and definitions of that one sentence.
Sand takes the reins of the spectrums' extremes – it is beautiful and it is beauty-less at the same time – and that is you. that is how you are beautiful without the glitters and ethereal colors, not that we find either appealing.
The aggravation in Gen's eyes, a backlash nearly bombarded from his tight lips: "we cannot lie to each other because we've been stuck in the same pits". Seph as usual expresses his agreement with the simplest nod – curt and parallel.
Blue in Gen is represented with Red in Seph and vice-versa.
You are the most beautiful when you let yourself be ugly. When you let your walls down.
Genesis scoffs, not in the derisive way but to voice his understanding. "I never found honesty an ugliness. It's a necessity."
"And so is my beauty," he adds more light-heartedly. His eyes do not laud himself: he's silently teaching Seph to love oneself more. and Gen doesn't even know.
"Prove to me that you don't love me and I will go," Gen says whenever Seph sputters "I hate you" on difficult days. Gen laughs. the lie is too superficial and revealing of Seph's "heart" and instead of confusing him, the openness warms Gen's in return.
But Seph can't do that.
It's just beyond mission impossible.
Seph almost storms off, irritated and not wanting to admit how Gen's ego and cunning captivates him.
Seph be damned.
(They will always be there with each other. They're perfectly satisfied with it not being "for" and instead "with".)
2.) "I don't love you," Sephiroth tries flat.
No worry spilled. not a single mote of hurt or offense skips annoyingly to spoil the atmosphere.
The last thing Seph remembers is Gen's lips kissing him as gently as possible.
and even if it's just a thought that runs through both their heads – if a fuck could've ensued, it would've been as brutal as how gentle that kiss was.
It doesn't happen, of course.
"Lie more," Genesis murmurs one night, "I need some laughs right now."
They laugh over Broadway jokes and unflattering shots of musical actors.
"Lies are grieved, not laughed about," Seph wants to say, but they're too busy laughing anyway. The fun fluidly flows to a deep discussion about love-hate relationships. Gen smirks all the way, and the wider they get, the harder Seph's brows furrow.
"It's just more facets to a love." Not your love for me, Seph notes and sighs gratefully. "It's just you getting all mixed up. It's a rhythm you're not quite graceful with yet. Your heart and brain and body for fuck's sake cannot come to an agreement."
"And who cares?" Gen looks straight ahead but his eyes are questioning the sky.
That night, Seph has the last word: "We do not play with either love or hate. Unexpectedly, we're at the middlegrounds. Not because we're fucking cowards but because we're not stupid to repeat our mistakes."
Gen looks impressed, "Sephiroth, you speak my mind yet again."
"Chill with me," Seph continues. "This is how we go, you know….as you've dictated and as I've followed: I won't offer regenerative hugs. Kisses are really just out of the question. I will never say I love you. But as much as those words are serious offenses in our little world, I will be here. You'll get the truth. Sincerity. I will say what you need to hear. What you'll get in exchange for this possible misery and unsweetness is the satisfaction that you're not the drawing slate's product. You're not the experiment. It's not that you're the untried territory I was too cowardly to try. You won't be the failure."
"This coolness proves that you're the one I plan to make the victory and not the heartbreak."
Well, minimal heartbreak.
"And that is how much I love you," it spills from their eyes that have exceeded maximum "blood-shots and tears" capacity far too many and often a time.
Maybe that would almost be enough to put the fractured heartbeats back to the river of blood that supplies faith and not sarcastic, tortuous oxygen.
They spill on neither's receptive eyes. A story of one million self-wars and one million moments of disbelief coalesced in a split-second of unbelievable opia..or an eternity of unbelievable opia…
Maybe it just wasn't the right time…yet.
3.) "We'll get tired of each other, eventually…"
And there is Gen, commanding thunder to put tonight's brilliant full moon to shame. showing Seph that they'll take pleasure in conversing with nuclear fireworks. enjoy the unreal view, Genesis disproving that it is so.
Because Gen is unreality in flesh and there he goes again, the dimples on his cheeks showing as he laughs, saying that it is not so. It's one of those countless moments when Seph finds the mantras of "thank you for existing"s losing out to the "I love you" ones.
Gen's quiet smile fills the silence - unable to shake tectonic force off itself. and unspokenly there goes, "Seph, you can keep the jewels."
"Seph, you don't have to thank me. You don't have to grapple for a testification."
4.) "And we don't have to love each other."
(It is a big, fat lie. Not because love meant different things for them and nothing could ever match enough. but because they simply don't notice that they're already doing it and quite unconditionally and silently in the sense of considering every single little thing about each other…)
We can just stay like this.
Perfection is standing there is front of us, in the nest of what's effortless.
There is enhancement, of course - paying close attention and holding every single fragile piece with all the care in the world did pay off: livelier hellos recursive maybe to the previous night's half-awful conversation closure. careful touches an improved loop making way to an even more careful, well-meaning emotional prodding, all until Seph can finally propose a jar of maybe Sun Dust to brighten up Gen's days...
even if they both knew Genesis throws darkness back to hell. he surprisingly doesn't whack it away but instead smiles demurely.
"I believe you'll make it out of this just as I have," does he have any idea that this single expression filling his eyes is breaking Seph all over, and in addition cuffing all the renewed fragments together again? to unbelievably stronger pieces than it even started with?
Genesis challenges further lies from Seph as he settles down for the day. As relaxed as he is, Seph struggles for even another attempt. It's not even a challenge anymore, it's closer to an insult, like on days when Gen sounds like he's intentionally pissing Seph off but he pretends to be the innocent bastard.
"Should I help you? What do you hate about me? Grapple for something physical. Mannerisms of mine that you hate, maybe."
Sometimes he just needs a cactus up his ass. That's what he really needs.
The elder man sipping hot chocolate, Seph looks deep, deep deep deep into Genesis' body. mannerisms. tries to find something to hate. Fails marvelously.
"Why are you asking this? Do you find me so pitiful that you'd help me yourself unlove you?"
The one million vocalizations and truths he can't release – maybe that's something I really hate. He knows that Genesis knows that he loves him. And that's something I hate even more. Genesis' voice is already probing him in his head – "Sephiroth, do you mean that you hate that I know you love me but I tiptoe away from my part of this conversation?"
Gen doesn't need the "take care"s when he ventures for some wild adventure or goes clubbing depressed or drunk or both because before they both know it, he's back at their apartment kissing one million things into Sephiroth's lips. nevermind if they're blank or as powerful as they come.
And when Gen knocks him away the next moment and spits out with such unintended repulsion (Seph knows quite well that Gen is repulsed at himself and not at him), "You're just not the one, Seph," it's still okay.
By now, Genesis is quiet and listening.
"So do you want a lie, Genesis? You'll get it," Sephiroth spits the words out.
5.) "You don't have to love me"
Sephiroth could care less if Gen falls for the lie or is lured by the tears. Correction – he knows that Gen knows he is lying. After all, Genesis knows him far too well.
You don't have to love me (but maybe it's because Seph is finally mature enough to act on the need and not the toxic wants – same went for Genesis), not because I can love you alone
You don't have to love me because it's enough that you are here. I have already won a long time ago.
The one million vocalizations and truths he can't bring to the physical world they hang out in – now that's something he really hates. And even so, it's all so fucking obvious – Genesis already knows.
It's not that Gen finds Seph's feelings repulsive or out of place or unwanted.
It's because he already knows.
And in all honesty, nothing needs to be said.
Surprisingly, it's Genesis who says, "Damn, Seph…I'm sorry".
6.) "It's all right. You're totally irrelevant to my life."
Germane's the proper word.
Germane: Genesis, basically. Genesis and all that is germane.
Germane for Genesis even if they both know it's not that they're too scared to admit what they mean to each other – it's that it's really not that kind of relationship -
how do you call it – "stars aligned, not meant for each other"? Perhaps.
Their guts persist that even if they're just really omitting truths rather than lying…what they call their hearts themselves (the vagary is that Gen is the actual romantic between the both of them) say matter-of-factly that neither are playing games.
Germane, because neither want to take the risk and is hence the fitting, appropriate, relevant kind of friendship.
Sophist, because neither want to admit that just because they're not putting stakes doesn't mean a huge inconspicuous majority of their souls will no longer be concomitant should all "this" break or burn. Genesis, who indirectly snuck dust-pints of his being into every possible nook and cranny of Seph's world..
Genesis, who redefined everything without upsetting a hair or an ant…
Seph would be truly zonked when he finds the courage to refocus his eyes again, to admit that Gen has got the prettiest meteors gently raining down the lonely craters of his world. No drastic makeover, no overnight mental surgery….just slowly, gently, graciously…