Chapter One: That Goddess is Definitely Crazy
Believe it or not, waking up to the singing of a glowing lady wasn't the weirdest thing that had happened to me.
"Welcome to my domain, honored soul!" Her smile was blinding—literally blinding, as I had to squint to avoid losing my eyesight. She was beautiful, in the way a jellyfish was beautiful: alien, elegant, and definitely dangerous.
"Welcome to my domain, honored soul!" the lady repeated, somehow making six words sound like an orchestra piece.
Being the eloquent person I am, I responded, "Uh…"
"Honored soul, only the greatest are allowed to bask upon my presence. Only those who died a heroic death—"
"I fell off a ladder."
The smile froze upon her face, and I suddenly regretted interrupting her. "What was that?"
"Lady," I repeated, "I fell off a ladder."
She tilted her head. "Did you… fall off a ladder while helping someone?" Her eyes gained a dangerous glint.
Since I had no sense of self-preservation, I told her the truth. "Nope. I was trying to hang Christmas lights on my house, and I fell. Hitting my head on the pavement is the last thing I remember."
The lady stared at me. "Is that so?"
"Yeah…" I scratched the back of my head. "I think you've got the wrong gal."
Her smile returned, doubling in intensity. "Still, the powers that be must have found you worthy to grant you my audience! For my blessing, I shall send you to a universe that you know, made from stories that you have heard, and you shall be armed with foreknowledge—"
"Wait," I interrupted again. "A universe that I know. Stories. Foreknowledge." I frowned. "Do you mean… a fictional world? You're sending me to a fictional world? Is that even possible?"
"So intelligent!" she squealed. "I see why you were chosen, honored soul! With your abilities, your reincarnation shall easily guide the course of events to create another narrative beyond what the fates have chosen."
I narrowed my eyes. "This is just an excuse to see me screw with the plot, huh?"
A moment passed. "Maybe," she admitted.
"Well, forget that! If I'm being reincarnated, I want to go back to my own universe. You know, the normal one?"
The lady scowled. "That is not your decision. I choose your destination, and I want for you to—"
"No!" I was starting to get angry. "You can't barge into my mind, soul… whatever, and start giving me demands! You're acting like it's an honor for me to be thrown into a random world. I told you, I don't want your blessings!"
She spluttered. "I am a goddess, and the blessing of goddess is not one to be taken lightly! The universe I am sending you into is one that is near to my heart, one that I have watched over carefully!"
"Oh yeah?" I said, sarcasm dripping from each word. "What's this 'blessed' universe of yours called?"
The goddess crossed her arms. "You know it as the manga Naruto."
My mouth dropped open. For several minutes, I was unable to speak. "You have gotta be kidding me. I'm stuck with a weeaboo goddess!?" I screeched.
"How dare you impugn me with such filthy language!" The goddess's eyes turned a fiery red, promising pain and torture for anyone who crossed her path. "Continue, and I shall revoke part of my blessing!"
Thankfully, I didn't care much about blessings. "You wanna see some more filthy language?" I took a deep breath. "Well, fuck y—"
The world abruptly faded into black.
Uchiha Megumi was born screaming. The third child and only daughter of clan head Okojo, her birth was greeted with much celebration. That is, until they realized that Megumi lacked the most important quality that an Uchiha could have.
I was blind.
I was an Uchiha, and I was blind.
… maybe I shouldn't have pissed off that goddess lady.
I mean, it was bad enough that I was a baby, unable to move or talk or do anything, but not being able to see, either?
Well, let's just say that I was feeling real sorry right now.
So, there I was, lying in a crib, bored out of my mind. I wasn't always conscious during my time as a baby (thank the goddess), but I was usually awake to hear the voices. There were four that I could distinguish with accuracy: Grumpy, Pretty, Sleepy, and Squeaky. They always spoke in a language I couldn't understand, which was damn annoying. I was getting better at picking out different words, though.
Right now, Pretty (who I assumed was my mother) was talking about something with Squeaky. They were mumbling about… fugu, I think. And if I remembered correctly, fugu was a type of fish. An extremely deadly one. Hopefully, they weren't trying to poison me.
I pouted as I strained to hear what the were saying. "Fu…" I gurgled, imitating Pretty's words.
The voices stopped.
"Fu…" I tried again. "Fugu. Fugugu! Fugu!"
Squeaky gasped and Pretty began to laugh. Squeaky said some words at a high speed, and I gave up in my quest to understand them. Babbling those few words had used up all my limited strength, and I quickly fell asleep.
My first two years passed in similarly boring ways. I'd wake up, try to learn a few more words of that language, and sleep. Before long, my dedication paid off, and I could speak simple sentences. And boy, was I putting my powers of language to use.
"Up," I demanded. Apparently, Squeaky was my brother, and his name was actually Fugaku. Yeah, the same Fugaku who was Itachi and Sasuke's dad. Which made me their future aunt, but I preferred not to think about that.
"No, Megumi-chan." My brother's voice was tinged with fondness and exasperation. "I gotta do my homework."
"Don't care. Up!" I hated this crib. And while I'd normally climb out myself, the presence of Fugaku meant that I wouldn't get away with it—unless he was the one to pick me up.
He laughed. "Fine, you brat. But no wandering off."
"No wandering," I agreed, lying without any hesitation.
Right after Fugaku set me next to him, I grabbed his book. Smiling at the texture, I began tearing the paper into little pieces. What else could I do? I was bored. And it wasn't like I knew how to read or write.
"Hey! I'm using that!" Fugaku yanked the book back. "I knew I shouldn't have let you out! Stupid!"
Oh. He sounded really angry. Alright, maybe I shouldn't have done that.. But I could always use my secret weapon to fix the situation. "Sorry…" I whimpered. My eyes widened. My lips began to wobble. Tears streamed down my cheeks, and I began to sob.
"N-No, don't cry!" I could hear the panic in his voice. "Megumi-chan, it's okay!" He shoved the book back into my hands. "You can play with the book!"
I beamed at him and began to rub my hands over the pages again. Honestly, Fugaku was my favorite person in this world. My father seemed to disapprove of me, my mother babied me too much, and my oldest brother never visited. Hell, I only knew he existed because Fugaku never shut up about him. Idai, the clan heir, was apparently the greatest prodigy since Madara himself. He was the pride and joy of the Uchiha clan.
(From what information I gleaned from the occasional visitor, I was actually the disgrace of the clan. You know, since I couldn't see. A blind Uchiha was worth as much as a wet matchbook. And I was perfectly fine with that.)
Finally, I put the book down, deciding to give my brother a break. I pressed my hands against his face and gave him an even bigger grin. "I love you, Fugaku-nii!"
I felt his smile against my hands. "I love you too, Megumi-chan."
At five years old, I could run around and make a nuisance out of myself. Even better, I could open doors and run outside. Something which I did very, very often. Sure, it terrified my mother, irritated my father, and gave Fugaku early heart attacks, but I didn't care. I had freedom, and I was going to use it.
I'd just given my babysitter the slip (which was pretty sad, considering I was non-ninja, five, and blind), and I was ready to make a break for it. Just as I dashed outside the house, I ran into a brick wall. Wait, no. On second feel, the brick wall was actually a pair of legs.
"Merumi-chan," said a low, hesitant voice. It was Sleepy—I mean, Idai, the boy wonder.
I stepped back. "It's Megumi."
The soft sound of fingers scratching reached my ear. "Ah…" Idai murmured sheepishly. "Megumi-chan."
"Megumi!" Ah, the sweet sound of screeching babysitters. "You little devil! Forget any blessing! You're a curse upon this clan!"
(Did I mention that my name meant blessing? Yeah, this universe had a real screwy sense of humor. Or, at least, that weeaboo goddess had a real screwed-up sense of humor.)
I made a run for it. I barely managed to step past the doorway before I felt my feet lift off the ground. I yelped and squirmed, trying to escape from the hand that held me.
"Not so fast, little sister. It sounds like someone was calling you."
"Yeah, I know," I grumbled. "I'm blind, not deaf."
An uncomfortable silence followed my statement. Which had been my intention, so… victory!
"Er, well…" he trailed off. "You're a smart kid."
"Is that news to you? You'd have known that earlier, had you actually talked to me. Are you sure we're siblings? Fugaku-nii plays with me, teaches me, and at least talks to me! You? You forgot my name."
Oh yeah, I was milking the guilt trip for all it was worth. I rarely saw Idai, anyway. I was going to screw with him when I could. Besides, he was still holding me by my armpits. I did not like dangling in the air while he carried me to my room.
"Um." He exhaled softly and coughed. "You see—I mean, you know, that is… I'm a shinobi. That's an important job, so I'm rarely home."
"Do you even know when my birthday is?"
His footsteps stopped. Silence. I felt him set me down on my soft bed.
"Oh, Idai-sama!" gushed the babysitter. "I knew you could—"
The door to my room closed before she finished her sentence. Immediately after, I started laughing. At times like these, I really wished I could see. Man, the looks on their faces must have been priceless.
Since I'd been stuck inside this house since my second birth, I knew every hallway and room like the back of my hand. So I had no problem sneaking into my brother's room and hiding under his bed. After a few minutes, I heard his footsteps. Once he approached the bed, I burst out.
"Fugu-nii!" I screamed, deliberately using the cutesy version that he hated.
He yelped in response, and I felt something fly past my cheeks. "Don't do that, Megumi!" he shouted. I tilted my head and reached behind me. Pinned to the bed was something smooth, metal, and (ouch!) sharp.
Pulling at it, I asked innocently, "What's this?"
Fugaku sighed. With a rustle of cloth, he knelt by me. "It's a kunai. Don't scare me like that, okay?" His voice was shaking. He tried to take the kunai from me, but I just gripped it tighter.
Oh. Oops. My brother attempted to murder me? Well, in his defence, I did kinda deserve it. "Okay!" I chirped, giving him a hug. He stiffened before relaxing. Seriously, the Uchiha clan didn't do physical contact. I tried to compensate for their deficiency, but it was hard to make up for a lifetime of no-hugs. "Where are you going?" I asked.
"Idai-nii and I both have the day off, so I was going to meet him outside the clan compound." His excitement was palpable. Idai, being the clan heir, was being groomed for a position of authority. Hence his missions with the genin team. Fugaku, the second son, was apprenticed under the Military Police Force. He was (obviously) expected to lead the Military Force while Idai lead the clan. Hence, their schedules rarely aligned.
"Great! Can I come?" Hell yes, I wanted to leave the clan compound.
"W-Well," he stuttered. Fugaku's hand pressed against mine as he grabbed the kunai. This time, I let him take it. "Oh, alright."
Success! "Yes!" I screeched. "Adventure time!"
Fugaku sighed beside me. "Why do I feel like I'm going to regret this…"
The main part of Konoha was full of sounds and smells and textures that I'd never felt before. Frankly, it was overwhelming, and I loved it. Fugaku clutched my hand like a lifeline as I tried to run off in different directions.
"What's that? And that? What's that smell?" I rattled off a series of questions, taking full advantage of my status as a precocious six-year old.
"Calm down, Megumi!" snapped Fugaku. "We're almost there!"
I huffed. "Fine." I gave him my best impression of a Uchiha glare. Since I still didn't have working eyes, I wasn't sure how an Uchiha glare looked like… but, considering that Fugaku gave a disturbed shudder, I think I was successful.
"Ah, Idai-nii-san!" This time, it was Fugaku's turn to pull me along. "It's good to…" he trailed off.
"Idai, is this your little brother?" said an upbeat, unfamiliar voice. "Nice to meet you! I'm Nawaki, your brother's teammate! He talks about you a lot, you know? Oh, and who is this? What a cute little kid!"
"Calm down, Senju," drawled someone else. The voice was low but unmistakably feminine. "You'll give both of them heart attacks."
"Hey, hey, Idai! Are you going to introduce us or not!" said Nawaki again. I blinked. Wait, that Nawaki? Like, Tsunade's little brother?
A sigh. "Alright," said Idai. "Fugaku, these are my stupid teammates. The brown-headed brat is Senju Nawaki, the grandson of the esteemed first Hokage. The girl is Sarutobi Shorai, our current esteemed Hokage's daughter."
"You're stupid!" shouted Nawaki. "And why do you always introduce me like that? I'm Senju Nawaki, the future Hokage! I'm going to be even better than my granddad and uncle! Even better than the Third, too!" There was an awkward pause. "Uh, no offense, Shorai."
Shorai grumbled to herself. "Whatever. You're both idiots."
"Since my brother was too rude to introduce me," I interrupted before they could continue bickering, "I'll introduce myself. Hi, everyone! I'm Uchiha Megumi, Idai and Fugaku's little sister. It's nice to meet you!"
There was a stunned silence.
"Eh?" said Nawaki faintly. "You have a little sister, Idai? Since when? You've never mentioned her before."
"You're the blind one, right?" Shorai's question was more curious than mean-spirited. If anything, she sounded like she was testing me.
Fugaku, who had been in a state of shock this entire time, finally reacted. "Wait a minute," he growled, coming to my defense.
"That's me!" I beamed brightly. "I'm blinder than a bat! You could stick a lantern in front of my face, and I wouldn't feel a thing! Besides the heat, of course. And the sound of the fire, but that's not the point." I bowed to them. "It's an honor to meet future Hokage Senju-sama and coolest kunoichi Shorai-sama!"
There was another silence.
"Idai," sniffled Nawaki. "You have the greatest little sister in the whole world!" To my surprise, he enveloped me in a giant hug.
"Are you sure she's an Uchiha?" Shorai said suspiciously.
"Megumi-chan." Idai sounded utterly horrified. "Please, never call Nawaki that."
Fugaku made a sound that was between a whine and growl.
I cackled to myself. Oh, this is fun. "Is it time for lunch, now?" My words were innocent and cheerful; in other words, everything an Uchiha wasn't.
"Yeah, let's go eat!" Nawaki picked me up and placed me on his shoulders. I gripped his hair tightly and cheered.
"You're the best, Nawaki-nii! Can I call you that?"
"Of course, little Uchiha!" There was so much happiness in those four words that I almost fell off. "I've never been a big brother before. This is great!"
"Ramen," Shorai announced. "We're going to eat ramen."
Fugaku snapped back to reality. "Put her down, Senju!" he screeched. "That's my little sister you're stealing away!"
"Why am I even here?" Idai's words were said in a casual, deadpan tone. It was the voice of someone watching the world burn around them. "Why are the gods punishing me?"
I gave a satisfied smirk. Trust me, wonderboy. You know nothing about the gods' punishments.
That night, dinner was… awkward, to say the least. Fugaku and Idai were still reeling from the team lunch, and my lovely dad was in a terrible mood. My mom was trying to make things better, but she wasn't exactly succeeding.
I, of course, was doing my best to make things worse.
"I hear that you have been successful in training, Idai." The rumbling voice of my father was terse.
"Yes, father. My team has been chosen to proctor the chuunin exams."
"Good. You must continue to excel. You cannot show any weakness to the Senju or Sarutobi on your team." Chopsticks clinked against the silverware. "Has Mitokado-dono been teaching you well?"
"Yes, father. He is an excellent teacher."
"Very well." Oddly enough, my father sounded unsatisfied.
"Is he really a great teacher?" I piped up. "Senju-nii-sama was complaining about how he compared you to the Hokage's team and Utatane-sama's team."
Chopsticks clattered against the plate—someone must have dropped them.
"Senju-nii-sama?" said my dad, expressing more emotion in those two words than I'd ever heard from him before.
"Er…" Idai gave a cough. "Megumi met my teammate, Nawaki, and she was quite taken with him."
My mother gasped. "You took Megumi outside of the compound?"
"I was the one—" started Fugaku.
"Yes, I did." Idai's words were smooth and calm; there was no hint that he was lying. "I thought she might want to see the rest of the village." He hesitated. "I mean, experience the village."
"Megumi is blind, Idai!" my mother scolded. "You seem to be forgetting that she is helpless!"
"And incapable of contributing to the clan as anything but a mother," rumbled good old dad. "As clan heir, you must spend your time on more worthwhile pursuits."
"I don't know." I cheerfully ate a clump of rice. "I think I'm pretty worthwhile." Everyone, as usual, ignored me.
"Okojo!" Mom sounded completely affronted.
"It is the truth. She should better become acquainted with it."
"Megumi is not useless," murmured Fugaku. Thanks, bro! My other brother was still silent, sadly. But he stood up for Fugaku, so I'd let it go.
I listened as the Uchiha main branch dissolved into the Uchiha equivalent of bickering. And all because of me. I loved this family. Really.
"Teach me how to use chakra," I demanded.
"Uh, no." Fugaku continued his ritual blade-sharpening.
"Teach me! Please!"
The rasping of metal against stone stopped. "Why?"
"Cause I want to know," I moaned. "Please? Can you unlock my chakra?"
"But you're blind," he said, honestly confused. "Why?"
"Cause it's cool, obviously. And can blind people not use chakra?"
The rhythmic sharpening continued. "I mean, they can…"
"So teach me. Pretty, pretty please? I won't hide your shuriken for a month if you teach me!" Hey, boredom does weird things to your mind.
His sharpening became slower, and I knew I'd got him. "And you can't hide my kunai, either."
His weapons clattered against the table as he set them down. Then, he sat down next to me. "Alright. Unlocking chakra is really simple. All I have to do is push my chakra into your coils, and that should awaken your senses. It might hurt a little bit, but that's all."
"Let's do it!"
Fugaku pressed his warm, calloused palms against mine. "Focus on the new sensation." His hand began to heat up.
Suddenly, I felt a weird… itchiness in my own hands. The sensation grew in intensity, and then, it seemed like a million fire ants were piting the insides of my body. I whimpered. "Ow, ow, ow!" I said hoarsely, doing my best not to scream.
"Megumi? Are you alright?"
I shuddered and scratched at my palms. Thankfully, the pain was beginning to fade. "Yeah. I think so. I'm… I'm going to my room." I staggered to my feet and ran out of the room, my fingers barely brushing against the wall for guidance.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah!" I called out, increasing my speed. I just managed to make into my room. "I'm alright!"
I was not alright.
I screamed into my pillow, cursing that psycho goddess with everything I had, using both languages I knew. Who knew that chakra hurt so much? And not only was it painful, it was distracting. Now, you may have thought that sensing chakra was like feeling heat, or maybe it looked like little flickers of light. It might be like that for some people, but not for me.
I perceived chakra as sound. A little humming, constantly stuck in the back of your head. Like tinnitus, but a million times worse. Because there were millions of humming noises in the back of my head. Each person had their own sound, and it was driving me insane.
Taking a deep breath, I clutched my pillow and cursed some more. I could get through this. I always did. Death, reincarnation, blindness…. and chakra was nothing compared to them.
Chakra, I'm gonna beat your ass.
While the ass of chakra was not completely beat, I did get better at ignoring it. After a week, I had figured out how to turn off my chakra ears. When it wasn't drowning out everything else, it was pretty useful. I could figure out approximately where people were with greater accuracy. Unfortunately, during my chakra-discovery phase, I may have tipped off my parents that something was wrong.
Thankfully, my somewhat weird behavior was quickly forgotten. Why? Because the mother-trucking Hokage was paying us a visit.
"Now, Megumi-chan," reminded my mother for a millionth time, "you must be polite."
"I get it, mom! I promise I'll behave."
Beside me, Fugaku coughed, muttering something that sounded like, "Yeah, right. That's not gonna happen."
I stomped on his foot. Jerk.
Before he could retaliate, the doors opened, and in walked my father and the Hokage. Holy shit. And I thought my dad had a lot of chakra. That was nothing compared to the sheer loudness of the Third Hokage. Like, damn! His five-toned chakra drowned out everyone else's. Five-tones. Five. The most I'd heard was three.
I must've been gaping like an idiot, because my mother pressed sharply on my back, forcing me into a bow.
"It is an honor, Hokage-sama," greeted my mother formally. "Welcome to our humble abode."
"The honor is mine, Azumi-dono. And these must be your lovely children." His voice was pleasant, in a gravely sort of way. "You are Shorai's teammate, Idai-kun, I believe."
"Yes, Hokage-sama." My oldest brother's voice was formal and polite. "Sarutobi-san and I work well together."
The Sandaime laughed softly. "I'm sure you do." His chakra grew louder as he approached. "And you are Fugaku-kun? I've heard much about your talent. I'm sure you do your village and clan proud."
Fugaku's chakra and voice certainly sounded proud. "Thank you, Hokage-sama."
Then, the full force of his chakra turned to me. I gulped, managing to turn down my chakra sense in time. Seriously, it was overwhelming!
"You must be Megumi-chan. Shorai has mentioned you before." His voice became very amused. "You are a lovely young lady."
"Thanks, Hokage-sama!" I said brightly. "I sure traumatized your daughter, huh? I don't think she'll go near that ramen stand again! Hey, can I call you Hokage-jii-sama?"
My brother made a choking sound, and I'm pretty sure the rest of my family were having mental breakdowns.
"Jii-sama," spluttered Sarutobi. "I'm not that old!"
"Oh, that's a shame. You sure sound old." I gave a pensive frown. "Well, can I call you Hokage-oji-sama instead?
"Uncle? I don't see why not." He reached down to pat my head, but I surprised him with a hug.
"Hooray! New uncle!" I shouted.
To my surprise, he picked me up and reciprocated the hug. "My, you're a lively young lady as well."
"Yup," I said into his ear. "I do my best to act as un-Uchiha as possible."
The Hokage started shaking. It took me a moment to realize that he was trying very hard to suppress his laughter.
I liked him, I decided. This is going to be the start of a very awesome friendship.
AN: So. Unlike every other fanfic I've posted, this story is both humorous and in first person. In other words, it's a completely different style than what I'm used to. I'd love to hear what you think. Thanks for reading.