A/N: You can probably tell where I got this idea from, or rather, where I was when I got this idea.

This series will be mildly set in the SI Archives verse that I discontinued due to wanting to rewrite and publish as original fiction for money. Obviously, once I get the first few original series/wars out, I'd have to do some negotiating regarding references despite huge enough changes that it would count as original. Let's just say that it will be as far from the originals as Spaceballs from Star Wars… I doubt I will even have any aliens beyond the "Old Machines" trope when I go original, and of course "The Four Horsemen War" is so far off of ME canon that, well…

So you can see this as MILD (very mild) crossover with a series that hasn't even had the chance to happen yet.


Shot 1: Them Turian Assholes…

"Testing, testing… are we live?" Garrus Vakarian asked, waiting until Shepard, who was behind the camera set, gave him a thumb-up.

"There has been a common misconception among the younger generations born after the Reaper War. This arises from older Turians reminiscing about the good old days when my race would file our talons to be sharper instead of blunting them. The more nostalgic among them may remind those of you who are students of human history of the Americans prior to them launching the last Human World War, sounding like they have infinite arrogance. I would like to remind them that the 'good old days' of legend have been gone for many thousands of years, and that almost since methods to reliably file our talons down without breaking them were invented have Turians filed down our talons, for gentle handling of delicate materials, and for one other, very mundane reason."

Garrus reached under the desk he was giving the short lecture from, and pulled out a roll of "antique" toilet paper made on Palaven before the Reaper War. It looked very similar to the product used by Human, Asari, and every other race which used toilet paper (every remaining race in the galaxy, the Vorcha having been wiped out in the Reaper War, though the Volus were a bit debatable in this respect).

"We got tired of poking ourselves in the ass, and/or breaking the toilet paper and getting crap all over our hands. The solar radiation on Palaven is strong enough to make us evolve metallic scaling in our skin, but since common Turian posture throughout our evolution does not include bending over and spreading our rear ends to catch some sun… Shepard what are you doing muting the microphone like that?"

"You mean trying to mute it, I think someone's sabotaging the system, because the mute button isn't working… Liara this isn't funny, we could get sued for being inappropriate for our show's rating!" Shepard grumbled at his Asari wife/bond-mate/whatever one's term of choice in one's native culture was. She smirked in response, and he rolled his eyes at this, but let it go.

"Well, while those two are having a little spat off-camera, my point is that, as Turian viewers know but will NOT attest to—we're more likely to punch you if you ask one of my race randomly on the street—we had little need for radiation shielding between our buttocks. Therefore, to reduce the amount of bacteria clinging to and growing on our skin, evolution pressured us to not have metallic scales around there. THAT is the main reason Turians have left scratch marks on stones since long before the rise of the first Turian civilizations. Some of the marks are consistent with sharpening, likely for the attacking hand, while the others are blunting, because ever since we learnt to wipe our asses with LEAVES we learnt to not poke ourselves… Of course, it helped with handling other delicate materials too, such as gutting prey animals without cutting any undesirable bits open, or handling berries and other delicate plant materials. Hopefully, this video has helped clear up many of the cultural misunderstandings about Turians and our talons being traditionally blunted instead of sharpened as some grumble about. The good old days did not exist, and were much worse than today. That is all." The recording light on the camera switched off. "I don't want to hear it, Shepard."

Shepard on the other hand was grinning broadly. "Damned Turian assholes…"

"Sometimes you make me wish I had sharpened the talons on one hand instead of blunting both… why the hell is the microphone still on?"

Liara suddenly remembered she had the microphone control thanks to her hacking it earlier "…Oops"

That particular episode of "Cultural Understanding Videos from the SIS Long Night of Solace" finally ended there.


A/N: However, I should note that I was only in the bathroom, not on the toilet, when I thought of this. And yes, the only noticeable crossover (as the Turians would still refer to it as the Reaper War instead of The Four Horsemen War) is the name of the ship. And no, it is nowhere near Covenant Super Carrier size/power.

REVIEWS WOULD BE APPRECIATED.